sarabear86 Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 I had been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half...we have had some problems because he refuses to put anything above his work/studies. We have had one minor break up because of his studies, which quickly resolved itself and he found himself coming back to me and missing me. The major one was last summer when I was going abroad for half the summer and he was going to be working in a different state. He told me he's terrible at long distance communication (which he is with his friends who have moved away) and barely even speaks to them when they are gone. However he ended up putting a lot more effort than either of us expected into keeping in contact with me those 4 months we were apart. We both knew it would be a bad idea to get together in the fall again since he'd just be graduating and leaving eventually but we couldnt' help it and were together again happily for the next 8 months. We are both, coincidentally, are planning on attending the same graduate school. However i'm going a year after him. A couple of days ago he broke up with me saying that i'm extremely important to him and he cares about me a lot but he just "knows" he can't do long distance. That following his feelings isn't what's right, following what's "logical" is. He doesn't believe in following what he feels, maybe because this is his first and longest really important relationship (he usually doesn't date that often or gets interested in girls because of school). He kept saying that I mean a lot to him but no matter what he can not do a long distance relationship, and even though it would only be 9 months before I join him again he thinks 9 months of long distance would make our love fizzle away and make me just complain about lack of contact and he doesnt' want to do that to us. He says that neither of us should lose hope and that if we really do still love each other at that time that we might be able to re-ignite what's there. But he also doesn't know if that can happen or if we'll change too much in 9 months. I tried as hard as i can to change his mind and convince him it could work but he's just too stubborn. I'm devastated...as i understand his situation but I always follow my feelings and think he is, in a way, giving up on us. Do you believe in fate? Could there be some kind of "ellipsis," as he called it, for a year with our relationship if we're meant to be? I just don't see any positive side to someone who loves you leaving you because of his "logic." especially when our relationship has rarely had problems besides his work getting in the way.
Fouts Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 People don't change much in 9 months, so unless he either a) wants to get rid of you or b) find someone else, I think you have a good chance of picking up where you left off, down the road.
Author sarabear86 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 (edited) Fouts- thanks for your input. a lot of people (i'd say the majority) are saying that fate doesn't exist...and true loves don't exist. i wonder what happened to people to stop believing/having any kind of hope. i think that i used to change a lot over the years but the last 3 years i've noticed that i've settled down into who i really am. i was also wondering what people thought about feelings about ex's. how long do you think feelings last if a relationship ran smoothly and ended for no internal problems? i know the times my feelings have gone away was because clear mistreatment or personality clashes...the 1 other man besides my recent ex my feelings never changed for because things ran smoothly between us while we dated (though i know he's not the one for me because i never felt that connection). but my recent ex and i have an amazing connection...i guess one can only hope (to a healthy degree). Edited May 3, 2010 by sarabear86
Ilovecake Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 (edited) First of all I do not believe in fate. I think everyone makes their own destiny. It's really hard to say whether you guys will be back together or not but speaking strictly from experience I'm going to say the scale is definitely tipping more towards this being a permanent breakup. I don't want to be a naysayer and come off as bitter but my feelings have always been that if you truly, deeply care about someone you have a very hard time being separated and usually do everything in your power to be with that person. When he's telling you that he's doing this so that you don't get mad because he won't contact you enough when you're separated sounds like complete BS to me. If he cared about talking to you he would stay in contact. We tend to make these excuses for our partners, ‘that’s just how he is’ but in reality that’s how they chose to be. Now I do not know you or your ex but after 39 years on this planet you start seeing a pattern to things. I care about you so much I have to let you go is one of the oldest stories in the book. I’ve seen this scenario a few times and I’m thinking he’s trying to breakup with you and look like the hero that’s actually making this gigantic sacrifice for you, when in reality it’s just a way of avoiding confrontation. I guess all you can do is wait and see. Good luck to you, I hope it turns out for the best. Edited May 3, 2010 by Ilovecake
TaraMaiden Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 The big thing is, that a relationship takes effort, and it takes commitment. It takes work and dedication by both parties equally, or else one person ends up doing more than the other, and the blance gets tipped, and eventually, you get resentment and communication, and respect fly out of the window. The bottom line is - and I'm sorry to be so cut and thrust about it - but I read that what he's saying to you is - "You're not my priority right now, and I'm not prepared to really put my shoulder to the cart and push all I can to keep this alive, because we're worth it. So I'd like you to consider yourself on a backburner, and when the time is right, we can pick up again and try to make another go of it." The big problem is this. When he's done studying, he's going to find something else which will take his focus, and he will concentrate on doing the best he can with that, in order to get good money, buy a house, have a nice car, and keep him - oh yes, and you of course - in the manner to which he would like to become accustomed. In short - there will always be something really really important to him, which will override your importance to him. What you have to ask yourself is this: "Am I happy to settle for 50% of something, rather than 100% of nothing?" Is he worth the wait?
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