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[joey66]

Why do OW/OM get so very upset when they find their MM/MW has an OOW/OOM? I read a comment to this effect in another thread earlier today. I think it's a fairly common sentiment. And I know it to be true from my own experience.

 

I posted once before about MW flirting with another man. The guy she flirted with is someone I know and like. He's smart and nice and friendly and just an all around good guy. Yet, for a moment I wanted very much to do harm to his person. And I am the furthest thing from a violent person. It was a jealousy unlike anything I have ever felt before. I do not have the words to describe the intensity.

 

The thing is, she did it intentionally to make me insane (it worked, too) and I KNEW it. I knew she wasn't interested in him and I still went into a rage. I cannot imagine how I would've felt if I thought she really meant it.

 

So why does it not bother me that she goes home to her H? She does a lot more than flirt with him and I can live with it. But the thought of her flirting (or god forbid more than that) with another man makes me furious.

[bentnotbroken]

Why do OW/OM get so very upset when they find their MM/MW has an OOW/OOM? I read a comment to this effect in another thread earlier today. I think it's a fairly common sentiment. And I know it to be true from my own experience.

 

I posted once before about MW flirting with another man. The guy she flirted with is someone I know and like. He's smart and nice and friendly and just an all around good guy. Yet, for a moment I wanted very much to do harm to his person. And I am the furthest thing from a violent person. It was a jealousy unlike anything I have ever felt before. I do not have the words to describe the intensity.

 

The thing is, she did it intentionally to make me insane (it worked, too) and I KNEW it. I knew she wasn't interested in him and I still went into a rage. I cannot imagine how I would've felt if I thought she really meant it.

 

So why does it not bother me that she goes home to her H? She does a lot more than flirt with him and I can live with it. But the thought of her flirting (or god forbid more than that) with another man makes me furious.

 

 

Then you have some issues you really should deal with.

[Just a stone's throw]

Joey, this is one of the things that finally put things into perspective for me with exMM. I knew I had to let it go as the scenario of FWB, both married and knowing that he had other women "friends" that he corresponded with electronically, I had made myself nuts thinking that I wasn't the only one.

 

We had skated around the conversation many times. He knew I had no one else. I made that very clear. I don't think that he did but he was very sly about not totally committing to that fact and I think it was a mind game on his part. I hated it.

 

I had a poster on another thread point it out to me that he may have decided to call it quits with me and go NC because I wasn't able to be there for him like he needed (out of town too much) and he needed to find someone more available. That reality really sent a shock through my system.

 

I am glad I finally had that perspective because it was the start of me getting over him as I didn't want to be anyone's OOW.

 

I still hate to think about that being the reason for him ending it but if it is, I no longer feel I need to know or really need to care about it.

 

I am moving into a much healthier place.

 

Jealousy sucks though.

[bananalaffytaffy]

Then you have some issues you really should deal with.

I agree.

 

Joey, to answer your question, it bugs you because you'd like to think you are sooooo special to her and you are soooo in loooove and you are soooo much better than her husband. The fact that she may want oom proves that you mean less to her than her husband does.

[LostMe]

Oh I hear you Joey. Used to drive me stark raving bonkers to think he might be giving another woman the attention he used to give me after it ended. Now, not so much. I think what happened with us is enough to put him off doing anything similar for a while...but you never know.

 

I kind of forced myself not to ever think about his W. We never discussed our partners. I had no right to be jealous, she's his W, I can't compete with that. But I wanted to be his only OW. Irrational huh. Affairs certainly bring out the worst in people.

[joey66]

Then you have some issues you really should deal with.

 

You'll get no argument from me on that score. That's why I'm here in the first place. But it doesn't really answer the question.

 

Do any of you feel the kind of jealousy I'm talking about? Or am I even more effed-up than most?

 

JAST - I'm happy for you that you are moving on. Wish I could. Could I get directions to that healthier place?

[jwi71]

I am glad I finally had that perspective because it was the start of me getting over him as I didn't want to be anyone's OOW.

 

Nope.

 

Don't be an OW either.

 

Be the one and only.

[Just a stone's throw]

Nope.

 

Don't be an OW either.

 

Be the one and only.

 

 

JW, that's exactly what I'm doing. Not sure who has it in their tagline but they said "I have a MM, he's my husband".

 

I still have expeiences though that I can share about what I did feel through all of this and that it can get better. That is why I continue to post. Hope no one minds as I still feel I need to process what I went and am going through.

[bentnotbroken]

You'll get no argument from me on that score. That's why I'm here in the first place. But it doesn't really answer the question.

 

Do any of you feel the kind of jealousy I'm talking about? Or am I even more effed-up than most?

 

JAST - I'm happy for you that you are moving on. Wish I could. Could I get directions to that healthier place?

 

 

But how can outside sources answer the questions that arose from your internal justifications? Did you use external justifications to become involved or did you use your "feelings"(internal)? If you used your feelings, won't you need to use those same feelings to justify your jealousy?

[Just a stone's throw]

You'll get no argument from me on that score. That's why I'm here in the first place. But it doesn't really answer the question.

 

Do any of you feel the kind of jealousy I'm talking about? Or am I even more effed-up than most?

 

JAST - I'm happy for you that you are moving on. Wish I could. Could I get directions to that healthier place?

 

Joey, wish I had a pat answer. I don't. I think it had a lot to do with a closure email with exMM where he didn't deny that I was only a piece of a$$ to him. I don't necessarily believe it but he didn't deny it, TWICE so that to me sort of got me to the place I needed to be to say PISS on YOU. I'm no one's POA. I have a husband that would do anything for me and loves me to no end. Why would I need you to validate me?

 

Once I figured out it was about my ego, I was able to part myself from feeling the need to stay in contact with him.

 

Trust me, I still think about him every day. EVERY DAY!! That is still not healthy but I can tell you that when I do think about him I can quickly change my thoughts around to go "why do I need to know that?" What do I care what he's doing right now? What would it change?

 

It does get better with time if you choose to allow yourself to get better.

 

Joey, I've been following your posts and threads. I see you trying to make some sense out of what you are experiencing with exMW.

 

Keep posting and trying to figure it all out. We'll keep trying to help you with our experiences. You'll know when you've just had enough and when you're ready to have the focus turn back to your W and M and we'll all be there for you then too.

 

No magic answers though. No magic pills. Just a mind set.

 

You have your own timeline. No one can set that for you.

[White Flower]

Why do OW/OM get so very upset when they find their MM/MW has an OOW/OOM? I read a comment to this effect in another thread earlier today. I think it's a fairly common sentiment. And I know it to be true from my own experience.

 

I posted once before about MW flirting with another man. The guy she flirted with is someone I know and like. He's smart and nice and friendly and just an all around good guy. Yet, for a moment I wanted very much to do harm to his person. And I am the furthest thing from a violent person. It was a jealousy unlike anything I have ever felt before. I do not have the words to describe the intensity.

 

The thing is, she did it intentionally to make me insane (it worked, too) and I KNEW it. I knew she wasn't interested in him and I still went into a rage. I cannot imagine how I would've felt if I thought she really meant it.

 

So why does it not bother me that she goes home to her H? She does a lot more than flirt with him and I can live with it. But the thought of her flirting (or god forbid more than that) with another man makes me furious.

Because Joey, that is what you signed up for. It's okay for her to be with her H, you knew that when this got started. But it's not okay with anyone else.

 

That is what I told MM when I discovered he was serial. He said countless times that he'd never cheated before or that he'd 'never done this before' and I don't care how many people tell you once a cheater always a cheater we all know and have seen many people on these boards in a first time A so it is quite believable. And we didn't sign up for that s*** so THAT is what ticks us off about being OOW.

 

The question is, what are you going to do about it? Step up to the plate, or let her make a future with another man? Not that she will, but I'm sure her tactic was to stir up up a bit. Did it work?

[iTrap]

Why do OW/OM get so very upset when they find their MM/MW has an OOW/OOM? I read a comment to this effect in another thread earlier today. I think it's a fairly common sentiment. And I know it to be true from my own experience.

 

I posted once before about MW flirting with another man. The guy she flirted with is someone I know and like. He's smart and nice and friendly and just an all around good guy. Yet, for a moment I wanted very much to do harm to his person. And I am the furthest thing from a violent person. It was a jealousy unlike anything I have ever felt before. I do not have the words to describe the intensity.

 

The thing is, she did it intentionally to make me insane (it worked, too) and I KNEW it. I knew she wasn't interested in him and I still went into a rage. I cannot imagine how I would've felt if I thought she really meant it.

 

So why does it not bother me that she goes home to her H? She does a lot more than flirt with him and I can live with it. But the thought of her flirting (or god forbid more than that) with another man makes me furious.

 

Oh gosh joey, i thought i was the only one!

I am sick with jealousy.

He does do it on purpose sometimes too, i hate that.

He was always a cheater but claims that with me it's different..i believe him. The weird part is that although i believe him, i get insanely jealous to the point that right now i think im driving him away because of it.

 

Anyways,speaking from my own expirience too, we get jealous cause our M loved ones have already cheated on their spouse, not a random person, but they have already cheated on the person they went all the way to making a family with...

As WhiteFlower pointed out in her post, we signed up for a Married lover. We also signed up for a cheating lover. When i get jealous of him, im thinking "well it was always easy for him to cheat, so why not with anoter and another and another?"

 

Sometimes i even side up with his wife and make thoughts of telling the girl im jealous of "hey, you know he's married right? what do you think you're doing??"

 

Another big reason we get jealous, is cause we have no control on our partner..they already "belong" to someone, and we are officially not that person.

Im saying that when i get jealous of another girl , i cant do anything about it cause we may end up fighting in front of people and that would expose us.

Sometimes he flirts on purpose with other women in front of our friends so they will think "hey, he's not having an A with iTrap, he is like that with all of the women"... i used to be ok with that until i was confused like our friends were...and then the jealousy got worse.

 

Well got to go now,i hope you wont turn out like me, be carefull with the jealousy thing, it seriously can kill you.

 

Take care!

Edited May 3, 2010 by iTrap

[Spark1111]

I"m sorry, but I do not think it is such a huge leap and I have posted about it.

 

You believe the sob story that they are in a miserable unloving marriage with a really shallow or inattentive partner. So it becomes easy to believe you will be their one true love, the one who rescues them from their miserable marriage.

 

Unfortunately, for a MP, crossing that boundary to engage with you, does not necessarily end with you.

 

It can me additional flirty texts with others, looking up old boyfriends and girlfriends on social web sites, testing the "what's out there" waters.

 

In an effort to promote some harmony between OW/OM and BS, I asked OW/OM, "What if you discover the pain of another OW/OM? What if you found out that your MP is trawling the waters with someone new out side your relationship? This person you believed told you the truth"

 

They were horrified and claimed they would immediately kick him or her to the curb.

 

That's what BSs usually do upon DDAY. Ask some of them. It is much more common than you would like to believe.

 

And if you can envision that feeling of betrayal for five seconds, than you may have a better idea how a BS feels upon the discovery of YOU.

[Got it]

Joey, my MM was the same way. He was/is fine with any time I spend with me (now) exhusband but definitely sees green with other men.

 

I guess he never saw my husband as a threat

[MizzBlue72]

Joey - I'm sorry for the craziness. I wish I could tell you how to get through it - I can't. I can tell you how I dealt with it. But I was the OW. Here is what I did.

Yes - he told me he was the only one, and I truly believed him - still do.

 

I lived my life - and went out. Spent a lot of time with friends, met new people. I got active. It really helped me not thinking of him all the time and what he was doing. I also made myself less available to his phone calls, emails, etc. It didn't mean that I didn't like receiving the communication. I just took longer to respond because I stopped obsessing. I had to do this - it was driving me insane. I tried dating another guy. It didn't help - at all. Just made things work.

 

So, get out more and try to refocus. I know this is not great advice - but it helped me move through it.

 

Good luck.

[secretlady76]

You'll get no argument from me on that score. That's why I'm here in the first place. But it doesn't really answer the question.

 

Do any of you feel the kind of jealousy I'm talking about? Or am I even more effed-up than most?

 

JAST - I'm happy for you that you are moving on. Wish I could. Could I get directions to that healthier place?

 

Guess what? I know what you're talking about (no change there then!). I have no problem with the wife she's pre-A, she came first...I wasn't around when he met her, so in a way, she doesn't count.....

 

However, there have been times when MM has been talking to some other woman or a woman has said something to me about him that has made me go 'Er, how do you know that?' and it has turned me into some mental case, not that anyone would know as I keep it to myself, but that was the moment when I decided I was getting paranoid and jealous and nuts!!!!

 

Then I start looking at the women he's been tallking about and convincing myself that they are better looking, more intelligent, more funny than me. Of course in reality they're not () but you can convince yourself anything.....!!!

 

All I would say though is that these feelings are only a taster of what the BS would feel if they find out.....sobering thought egh?!

Edited May 3, 2010 by secretlady76

[joey66]

Thanks to all who have responded. I appreciate all of it, even the critical stuff.

 

WF - Yes she wanted to stir things up. We had been NC (we still saw each other on a regular basis, but I had been ignoring her) for nearly a month. What I think is, she missed the attention. And yes, it worked. Later that day I sent her yet another email. I told her that I think she enjoys my suffering. She didn't deny it.

 

JAST - Thanks for the kind words. I, too, think about her everyday. But, I'm down to maybe 80% of the time. It used to be 99.99% of the time. That's progress, right? The part of your post that affected me the most was when you referred to her as exMW. You're right of course, but seeing it written that way really got to me.

 

SL - More intelligent and more friendly than you? No way!!!!

 

I want to make clear that I am not a serial cheater. Until I met MW I had never pursued another woman during my marriage. Of course I had met women that I found attractive, but never anyone who affected me the way MW does. I don't even know why she affects me the way she does. I just know that, when she walks into the room I have trouble breathing. She knows how I feel, and I really do think she enjoys watching me suffer.

 

I know several of her friends. Maybe I should return the favor and flirt with some of them when she's around. Would that be petty?

[secretlady76]

I know several of her friends. Maybe I should return the favor and flirt with some of them when she's around. Would that be petty?

 

That would be petty especially as you told her you didn't like her doing it to you and you can't breathe when she's around anyway so you wouldn't be able to flirt even if you wanted to!!

 

Did you and her have a 'This has to stop' conversation? Was there ever an ending to the EMR?

[Just a stone's throw]

Joey, it's petty but I have to think of the poor girls you're flirting with. Think about those mind games. It's not fair to them. EX MM was a huge flirt and even with a close friend of mine and I really had to get it into perspective. She didn't know there was anything between us and I just had to remember that he has issues, a need to be admired by others. A need to ogle women. WHATEVER. Don't do it on my time.

 

Keep walking away and ignoring it. It's the best thing you can do. Remember it's her problem, not yours. Start loving yourself, Joey. You're a good guy. You deserve to love yourself.

[joey66]

Did you and her have a 'This has to stop' conversation? Was there ever an ending to the EMR?

 

Never had that conversation. And I have asked her many times if she wants me leave her alone now. I've practically begged her to tell me to eff-off, or to tell me she wants to continue to pursue the R. She will do neither. I think that either (a) she is (was) on the fence, or (b) she's just using me for her amusement.

 

(a) is certainly possible. Like me, I don't think she's ever had an R outside of her M. I think maybe the idea of it is very hard to come to grips with. She can be hot and cold. Sometimes when we talk(ed) it was like I was her bff. She shared details of her life. Other times she can be cold and distant.

 

OTOH, maybe she's just a cold, hard b*tch who gets off on watching me squirm. Hard to say.

[joey66]

Joey' date=' it's petty but I have to think of the poor girls you're flirting with. Think about those mind games. It's not fair to them. [/quote']

 

Yes, I know. I wouldn't really do it. Couldn't really do it. Just blowing off steam.

 

Those women are friends of mine, too. I wouldn't want to use them that way.

 

ETA: Plus, I'm not a flirt by nature. They would know immediately that something was up, and so would everyone else in earshot.

[Just a stone's throw]

Never had that conversation. And I have asked her many times if she wants me leave her alone now. I've practically begged her to tell me to eff-off, or to tell me she wants to continue to pursue the R. She will do neither. I think that either (a) she is (was) on the fence, or (b) she's just using me for her amusement.

 

(a) is certainly possible. Like me, I don't think she's ever had an R outside of her M. I think maybe the idea of it is very hard to come to grips with. She can be hot and cold. Sometimes when we talk(ed) it was like I was her bff. She shared details of her life. Other times she can be cold and distant.

 

OTOH, maybe she's just a cold, hard b*tch who gets off on watching me squirm. Hard to say.

 

Joey, I too tried to get exMM to say he wanted me to stop pursuing him and he would never say it. He kept toying with me too. As it turned out he was just keeping his options open, no more, no less. Finally, it came down to him not wanting to take the risk any longer for little benefit and he called it off once and for all. (That or he found someone else to toy with and I became unimportant to keep around). Pathetic but I let myself be used and that pisses me off. I'm not normally like that. Very confident (overly some would say).

[donnamaybe]

I agree.

 

Joey, to answer your question, it bugs you because you'd like to think you are sooooo special to her and you are soooo in loooove and you are soooo much better than her husband. The fact that she may want oom proves that you mean less to her than her husband does.

 

You might have something here. Someone who is involved in an A most likely DOES think they are better than the BS in the eyes of their AP, otherwise why would they risk their M to be with them?

 

Good call.

[Got it]

You might have something here. Someone who is involved in an A most likely DOES think they are better than the BS in the eyes of their AP, otherwise why would they risk their M to be with them?

 

Good call.

 

Some might, definitely not true of all. I did not think I was better or worst than his wife. It wasn't a competition between us. Many will risk for the marriage for a multitude of reasons, reasons personal them, and very rarely based on an external source.

 

The risk it because at that moment it is not prioritize as something that significantly important.

[secretlady76]

Never had that conversation. And I have asked her many times if she wants me leave her alone now. I've practically begged her to tell me to eff-off, or to tell me she wants to continue to pursue the R. She will do neither. I think that either (a) she is (was) on the fence, or (b) she's just using me for her amusement.

 

(a) is certainly possible. Like me, I don't think she's ever had an R outside of her M. I think maybe the idea of it is very hard to come to grips with. She can be hot and cold. Sometimes when we talk(ed) it was like I was her bff. She shared details of her life. Other times she can be cold and distant.

 

OTOH, maybe she's just a cold, hard b*tch who gets off on watching me squirm. Hard to say.

 

Only last week I was in the same situation as you. Didn't know what the hell was going on with a guy who was blowing hot and cold. We tried to have the 'This has to stop' conversation about a month ago and all that did was make it all more complicated because he chose that meeting to kiss me. After that we tried NC and failed. I wasn't sure where I stood so last week I made a decision and that was that I was going to make the decision, I was going to take control. So I sent him a text saying that from now on we should ignore eachother because basically it was doing my head in. I'm not sure if I sent this to get a reaction or what but I didn't get a reply, although I know he got it because he ignored me the next day. By the following day I wasn't sure this was such a good idea so I sent him an email (despite him telling me not to send any more emails) stating that I was a bit peed off because I didn't know where I stod and also that I had told him to bugger off because I didn't think he had the balls to do it himself (got no reply to that email either). In the end he spoke to me in person the following day to say that it couldn't carry on and he gave me the reasons why, which I won't go into on here (but roughly it was about the home situation and suspicions etc) but I totally understood and accepted his reason, so really I could start moving on then. Ok I have to see him most days and the conversation is ok, we still get on and I find it difficult but once he gave me a reason for it not continuing with the EA I felt that there was closure and in a way I think that is what you need, you need closure of some type and maybe you need to prompt it, as difficult as it may be, because it doesn't sound like she's going to do it herself!