LisaUk Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Hi all, Well, they don't all come back as people post here frequently. What gets me is there are some that do, some that have cheated and get taken back, yet those of us who always tried to make our exes happy we get left and stay left. Life is not great right now, my mum is being her usual emotionally abusive, vindictive bullying self. She always has to do this right before my finals, everytime! She did it during my highschool exams, undergrad and now again during my postgrad. It's like she doesn't want me to succed. All I keep thinking about is how happy I was before all of this and how unhappy I am now. I know I can't go back, it doesn't exsist anymore after what he did, but I still want it, I feel like I will never be happy again.
trippi1432 Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Hey there, I know it's easier said than done, but slam the door on your mom for right now. I had a grandmother who was like this, always made me feel stupid since elementary school. Shut her out and shut her up....this is about you now, your future. She's jealous because you have accomplished more than she ever will in her lifetime. One day, she will see the strong woman you are and realize that she contributed to that because she is your mother, but don't let her take the credit....that is yours. As for being happy before and unhappy now....you don't have time to think about that now....get the finals done....concentrate!! You can do it!!!
TaraMaiden Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 I'm sorry you are still so beset by all this Lisa, that even now, so far down the road, your distress, sadness and deep-hole despair are palpable. You're a young bright, intelligent woman, applying yourself to legal exams (happening in a matter of days, no doubt.... ) with one of the most lucrative professions at your fingertips, and yet, and yet.... I'm very sad for this.
Author LisaUk Posted May 2, 2010 Author Posted May 2, 2010 I'm sorry you are still so beset by all this Lisa, that even now, so far down the road, your distress, sadness and deep-hole despair are palpable. You're a young bright, intelligent woman, applying yourself to legal exams (happening in a matter of days, no doubt.... ) with one of the most lucrative professions at your fingertips, and yet, and yet.... I'm very sad for this. Hi Tara, Don't get me wrong I am grateful for the opportunities that I do have yet I still don't feel the happiness I once knew. I guess I just loved him too much. I am better than I was but I just don't think I will ever get over this, I keep waiting for indifference, I don't think about him all the time anymore or go over and over it all in my mind, yet I still cannot get past it when will it end?
Crusoe Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 It takes time Lisa, for some of us a long time. I spent about 18 months where you currently are and another 3 1/2 years until I reached a point where I could say I was over it. Indifference I never really found, but life does get better, much much better. There will be setbacks, there will be times you think you are over it but then realise you are not, but you will find happiness again. Until then it is a waiting game. Time, faith and patience, trust them and keep moving forward, it's all you can do.
worldgirl Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 All I keep thinking about is how happy I was before all of this and how unhappy I am now. I know I can't go back, it doesn't exsist anymore after what he did, but I still want it, I feel like I will never be happy again. Sorry Lisa, I posted in the other thread asking how you were when it was right under my nose already! I often feel as you have described above, and I have a feeling (it's only been five months for me) that Crusoe is right about time. I don't know how you managed to go to law school (and deal with your abusive mother) during all this. I hope you can get to a situation where you don't have to live with her. I am only just out of the extreme shock/trauma stage, and it sounds like you have made progress not thinking about him all the time. Hang on, so will I, and I somehow know there is a better time for both of us - and it won't take years, either!
You Go Girl Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Yeah...I know. Those days aren't ever coming back. I can't, and won't, drive past my old house. I so loved that place. But what I wouldn't give to be in my mid-30's and the chance to do it all over again from that age.......! Maybe comparing years of our lives, and memories, are like comparing ourselves to others. We have to keep them separate and appreciate them for what they are or were--else we become vain or bitter. And since none of us are ever going to get younger--we all have to avoid becoming bitter. Think of it all as character building. You might have been 20 once, but you traded youth for wisdom. I can see that hot lawyer right now that you are going to take one look at and not even be able to speak coherently in court with him in the room........
lisal0u Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Hi Lisa, I would do anything to make it all be better for you right now! I think once you have qualified and have a new career to look forward to you will find that happiness! I think it will be your turning point as you will be able to totally take control of your life again! You will maybe be able to move out into your own place and eventually buy your own home! If you ever need to get away you are more than welcome to come and stay with me! You will be happy again Lisa xxx
Author LisaUk Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 Thanks for all the replies and support. Lisa thanks for the offer really nice of you. I just don't know what is wrong with me? I should have moved past all this by now surely? Why am I mourning the loss of someone who never even existed? He wasn't real, our relationship wasn't real it was all based on his lies, I have no memories that I can treasure of the last 18 years b/c he ripped them from me with his gaslighting. I don't know what to believe anymore. Maybe he was CP, so maybe his gaslighting was his cover and all the love we shared was real or maybe he wasn't and the gasligting was the truth instead. I don't know and he isn't going to tell me b/c I am never going to see or hear from him again. I wanted to grow old with him. But he didn't exisit so why can't I just let it go? I don't enjoy this pain and I keep busy I am moving forward with my life and yet still he haunts me, why will he not let me be? Or rather, why can't I let him go? I'm never going to get over this am I? It's going to haunt me the rest of my life - I don't want it to, I want it to stop I just don't know how to make it stop? Why is it considered by some people to be normal to just walk out on someone after 18 years? To plan and book a wedding, not mention even any unhappiness, no signs, no red flags and then just get up one morning and pack a bag? How can anyone think that is OK? Maybe I am the crazy one? Perhaps it is me who is wrong, maybe it is normal and acceptable and I am the one with the distorted sense of reality? Maybe that's why he isn't bothered, why he doesn't care, just carries on with his life cutting me from it, erased, never existed.
aiina Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Hello Lisa, I am sorry you have been through all this. First of all: you are great. Yes, this thing with your ex is not nice, yet I would rather be in your shoes than his. I'd rather have lived a long relationship where I was putting the best of me, than spending so much time not knowing what I wanted. It is not easy now for you to see it, but this is YOUR time to learn to be yourself. When was the last time you were all to yourself? when you were 15 years old? well, say Hello to this new Lisa. Ask yourself what is it that you like, what is your passion, and go for it. Sounds easier said than done, true. Thats is how we learn. What your ex thinks about the relationship does not matter. It doesn't. Is he nowadays the person you loved? Would you fall in love with who he is now? About your mum, mothers don't say things to make you bad most of the times. Some mothers are so scared that their daughters could fail, that sometimes they prefer them not to do a thing. It's like 'if you don't get involve with anyone, you won't be rejected, ever'. I am a mum myself, I know how much it scares me just the idea of anything happening to my daughter, and I fight with my thoughts daily telling me: things WILL happen to her, either I like them or not, because that is how we learn in life. So, a little 'how to deal with mum' trick? do not confront her. If she's bullying you, don't listen what she's saying. Instead be calm, put the kettle on, make two teas, invite her to sit down, and with a smile as her how she's feeling, or talk about the weather. Sometimes the best way to change other's attitudes towards us, is to change our view from the matters. One last thing, start going out. A woman that has been unavailable to the rest of the men for so long is very mysterious! and what will help you most is to interact with other men, let them tell you nice things. It doesn't mean you have to date them, but open up to the world. And as they say, 'smile, you never know who's watching you' You are great, really. and YES, you will be happy, you are on your way to that right now, just keep going
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