Dragonfly668 Posted May 2, 2010 Share Posted May 2, 2010 I've been in a 12 year relationship, a very controlling one. I wasn't allowed to have my own friends without him trying to intervene and make them his friends... I tried to encourage him to have his friends and let me have mine. He tried to be every single aspect of my life, up until about 4 months ago when he told me he wanted a divorce. We still live in the same house, nothing has been filed.. and there is no chance of reconcilliation (his words).. he's supposed to be getting it ready to sell, but he's been dragging his feet. We do not interact or talk, he has told me he is done with me and has been for 2 years Now my "friends", people I've known longer than we have been together, still continue to call him, hang out, do dinners etc, even when they know I have a problem with it, even when I have tried telling them how I feel and what the past has been like for me. I'm in the process of trying to move forward, but I don't even feel like I have anyone I can really talk to about all of this because everytime I turn around he's doing something with one of my 'best' girlfriends.. I'm to the point of considering whether to continue the relationship with my 'friends' or eat more pain and just walk away... some days I think the pain of not having them would be less than the pain and emotional turmoil I've been dealing with over the past 4 months Am I just being oversensitive? I go out of town and log on facebook to see pictures plastered of them out and drinking and having a good time when he should have been working on the house, THEY know how ticked I am about being in this limbo, but they don't even seem to be trying to encourage him to do the right thing and get it fixed or fix it so he and I can both move forward... I'm at a crossroad and feel like I don't know what to do Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted May 2, 2010 Share Posted May 2, 2010 Likely that "best" girlfriend is part of the reason why he is done with you. Friends don't drop you for the spouse they only know because you were married to them. Get out of there and find better people to call friend. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 2, 2010 Share Posted May 2, 2010 The people are not your friends; they are merely acquaintances. They are not going to change their behavior because it "ticks you off." You say that you have been going out of town and that is good, but maybe it is time to block these people so that you are not subjected to those things that hurt you. And what is stopping YOU from filing? Go out and start making new friends; friends that are YOURS. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted May 2, 2010 Share Posted May 2, 2010 I have a few friends who still talk with my ex wife and go to visit her. That is their business and I do not make them take sides. It would probably be a good idea for you to do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted May 3, 2010 Share Posted May 3, 2010 Dragonfly, I'm sorry that your marriage has ended and your old 'support network' isn't supportive anymore. It's difficult, after one has allowed oneself to be so controlled for so long, to realize, "Hey! I am once again free to make my own decisions and choices." But that is exactly what you are...free! You don't have to play victim to him anymore, and you don't have to just leave yourself at the mercy-pity of your former friends, either. But, it's difficult to rebuild the esteem, respect and confidence that you used to have. You might find it very useful to have some professional help with that. Going out of town is great; checking FaceBook pages that drag you down is not. Draw your own boundaries and protect your own heart. That's always been your own responsibility, anyway, so it's more a case of just becoming more aware of doing it. I agree with CarrieT, to just go ahead and start the divorce proceedings yourself. It can happen even though you're both still living in the "former matrimonial home." At least, consult with a few lawyers and hire the one with whom you're most comfortable. And, why not say to him, "I realize that you're busy, so I think it will be best to hire a handyman to get the house ready for sale because I want to start building the rest of my happy and successful life as soon as possible"? I know it's tough, though, to break yourself free of that victim mindset that's been stuck in place so long and, instead, to start acting assertively and in your own best interests. But you can, yes? You can and you are going to empower your Self, with or without professional help. Hugs, and best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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