How do you deal with waiting?

[joey66]

Michelle I don't think any of us are cut out for this. I am sorry you are in pain. I truly understand where you are at. The pain will eventually lessen. Do not be surprised if he contacts you. Not sure if you want to keep contact with him or LC, but I found NC to be the best thing for me.

 

I'd bet money that he'll be contacting you again. It may take a little time, but he will. I know you are not thinking clearly at this moment, but you need to be prepared for the time when he tries to make contact. Think about how you want to react to that.

 

I hope you feel better soon. (((michelle2010))

[White Flower]

I'd bet money that he'll be contacting you again. It may take a little time, but he will. I know you are not thinking clearly at this moment, but you need to be prepared for the time when he tries to make contact. Think about how you want to react to that.

 

I hope you feel better soon. (((michelle2010))

I'll bet he will too. I'm sure there is nothing better than having an OW who actually cares about you. Just be careful Michelle, because his caring may not match yours.

 

(((Michelle)))

[jj33]

Michelle you did such a good thing. As much as it hurts, you have freed yourself. It will take time, its a break up of a love affair like any other (even if he was claiming NSA) and you need to grieve it.

 

For you it represents more because he was so very important to you. And it will take time. But you will feel better in time.

 

Take good care

[jthorne]

I would fully expect contact from him at the 2 day, 2 week and 2 month mark.

Be prepared.

[jwi71]

I'm not sure you ended this to end it.

More likely you ended it to "play him" into coming back.

 

Just my sense of things. Sorry, too many changes and inconsistencies and..."nonsense".

 

Smelling kinda fishy here because you sure change your tune quick.

[michelle2010]

The last few posts have been really helpful. I really appreciate it. And I doubt that there will be any contact, but we'll see. I've never ever told him not to contact me again. He knows I mean it.

 

Thank God he's not doing it right now. I feel so weak, that I would probably WALK to wherever he is just to see him right now.

 

What really hurts is thinking that I was caught up in a hit and run... It's hard for me to believe that he spent over a year pursuing me, just to get some and then be done with it. And now I'm wondering if it was really that good, and of course it was. But if that were the case, wouldn't he be back?? What did I do wrong?? We were always stunned by how sexually compatible we were even when we were just talking about it. And when it happened, it WAS explosive. And now he does this...

 

And I have these thoughts racing through my head... If he was only after sex, he would keep the sex part going, unless it was awful, and it wasn't. Why else would a man turn down free sex? Did he just lose interest? So it's either that, or he's feeling guilty, or he knows I'm involved and is trying to spare my feelings (this is the least likely of them all. I highly doubt he would put my well-being ahead of his own. I know it makes him sound bad, but it's true.).

 

And I understand that nobody is really cut out to have an affair, but some people can truly handle it, like him. I can't. I'm not used to being the second woman, it feels so weird. But I was willing to put myself in that place for him.

 

As counterproductive as it may sound, right now, while I'm grieving, I'm still looking for answers (which is going to drive me crazy, I know) and hanging on to the hope that it's not really over. What if he found out that he has feelings too?? I know that's so naive. I will try my best to erase that thought from my head.

 

Worst of all, my husband stayed home from work today. I cried all day and he kept asking what was wrong, could he help, was it his fault. And all I could say was that I felt overwhelmed. It broke my heart to hear those questions. But I couldn't help myself.

 

I feel better now (Malibu and Coke helps!), but I know I'll be thinking of him for a very long time...

 

Thank you all so very much.

 

EDIT: It's not an inconsistency, even though he may see it that way too. It's just sheer exhaustion, emotionally. I'm in over my head. I can't handle not having him around, and it would only have gotten worse. Quick and painless (!) was my thought process. Why drag it out and keep hurting myself every day he didn't call...

[jthorne]

Oh, I guarantee he'll be back. Maybe in two days to tell you he's been busy, please don't be mad. And then at two weeks because he's gotten over his guilt and is horny, and in two months to see if you're over your temper tantrum and ready to be the OW again.

 

You got off the rollercoaster. It's up to you to stay off of it.

Most of us have been there, done that. Keep posting and keep reading posts.

And kiss your baby! (And maybe your hubby too.)

[LucreziaBorgia]

Why else would a man turn down free sex? Did he just lose interest?

 

When the sex starts coming at a cost like it is now (emotional complication) he will back off. It isn't that he isn't interested, just that 'free' isn't so free anymore if you catch my drift.

 

I have no doubt that he has some feelings for you - but you must understand this one thing: those feelings are tied directly to the sex and will exist during the time you are together sexually. When you are not together and not having sex, he has those feelings/sex compartmentalized away and doesn't think about them until he starts missing it.

 

Now, that said - he is likely to go longer times between now that he knows about the emotional complications. He might miss the sex, but he doesn't miss it enough to deal with the price that it is becoming to come with. He doesn't want to be responsible for your happiness. He just wants to have NSA sex.

 

This is the very thing that I would dread in affairs: when a perfectly good NSA arrangement was derailed by unwelcome emotional entanglement and obligation. I would do these things because they were an escape, something fun to do. As soon as the fun ended, so did the affair.

 

Does he have feelings for you? Is it emotional as well as physical? Yes, but only within that tight bubble. He may be keeping that bubble tight in proportion to how he needs to be in order to deal with things at home and stay married.

 

You have to remember the bubble. If you can't stay within the requested NSA guidelines he set out in the beginning, you may want to consider ending this now.

Edited May 4, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia

[michelle2010]

LB... one thing I don't understand... whose feelings is he protecting?? Mine?? His own??

 

I don't see how my feelings could ever harm him if he doesn't see them as a threat. And if my feelings could affect him to the point of making him have feelings for me, then that would be understandable... But how likely is that, really?

 

So why is it so threatening to him that I have feelings. It's not like I plan to tell him to leave his wife, and I made that very clear by stating that my husband and child always come first (ie, I would never leave them).

 

Is he worried that his own feelings might grow and burst the bubble? (I know you're not a psychic, but just in general, I'm trying to understand the thought process.)

[LucreziaBorgia]

I don't see how my feelings could ever harm him if he doesn't see them as a threat. And if my feelings could affect him to the point of making him have feelings for me, then that would be understandable... But how likely is that, really?

 

So why is it so threatening to him that I have feelings.

 

Is he worried that his own feelings might grow and burst the bubble? (I know you're not a psychic, but just in general, I'm trying to understand the thought process.)

 

It is hard to put into words without sounding really terrible, but it isn't a matter of him feeling threatened or afraid of your feelings or his. He probably just doesn't want to deal with the obligational nature of feelings like that. When that sort of thing sneaks into an NSA arrangement, it stops being fun and starts being stressful. You are always aware that the other person has an amount of feeling that isn't reciprocated, and you have to watch what you say, how you say it and you have to walk a fine line at all times to be sure that they don't 'take things the wrong way'. That sort of thing sucks the life and fun out the whole deal if it was set up to be an NSA sort of thing.

 

Its like going to a fancy restaurant every once in a while - you like to go in and eat, but that doesn't mean you want to bring home leftovers or have a waiter follow you home. He wants to keep it contained and be able to go and enjoy it when its convenient. He does not want the maître d calling and asking when he is going to come dine again.

 

He isn't afraid of anything except things getting so complicated that he can't enjoy the affair anymore. My guess, anyway.

[White Flower]

LB... one thing I don't understand... whose feelings is he protecting?? Mine?? His own??

 

I don't see how my feelings could ever harm him if he doesn't see them as a threat. And if my feelings could affect him to the point of making him have feelings for me, then that would be understandable... But how likely is that, really?

 

So why is it so threatening to him that I have feelings. It's not like I plan to tell him to leave his wife, and I made that very clear by stating that my husband and child always come first (ie, I would never leave them).

 

Is he worried that his own feelings might grow and burst the bubble? (I know you're not a psychic, but just in general, I'm trying to understand the thought process.)

He doesn't want the work of holding you, putting your fears to rest, and calming you down. He doesn't want to talk things out. All that is too much work. He just wants to laugh, get his groove on, and have a good time. He doesn't want the emotional baggage that comes with it.

 

He could change, some MM do. But at his age I don't think so. Sorry.

[joey66]

When the sex starts coming at a cost like it is now (emotional complication) he will back off. It isn't that he isn't interested, just that 'free' isn't so free anymore if you catch my drift.

 

I have no doubt that he has some feelings for you - but you must understand this one thing: those feelings are tied directly to the sex and will exist during the time you are together sexually. When you are not together and not having sex, he has those feelings/sex compartmentalized away and doesn't think about them until he starts missing it.

 

Now, that said - he is likely to go longer times between now that he knows about the emotional complications. He might miss the sex, but he doesn't miss it enough to deal with the price that it is becoming to come with. He doesn't want to be responsible for your happiness. He just wants to have NSA sex.

 

This is the very thing that I would dread in affairs: when a perfectly good NSA arrangement was derailed by unwelcome emotional entanglement and obligation. I would do these things because they were an escape, something fun to do. As soon as the fun ended, so did the affair.

 

Does he have feelings for you? Is it emotional as well as physical? Yes, but only within that tight bubble. He may be keeping that bubble tight in proportion to how he needs to be in order to deal with things at home and stay married.

 

You have to remember the bubble. If you can't stay within the requested NSA guidelines he set out in the beginning, you may want to consider ending this now.

 

I going to take a different point of view. I (respectfully) disagree with the whole NSA bubble theory. I think that, if he pursued this relationship for an entire year before there was any sex, then he has genuine feelings for you. It's hard for me to imagine spending that much time chasing after an NSA FWB situation.

 

He may have convinced himself that's all it was. Then it became physical and you two were, by your own admission, sexually compatible. I think he got scared alright, but not necessarily because he was worried that you were falling in love. Possibly, because he was. I.e., because his feelings are not just tied to sex and are not within that tight bubble LB talks about.

[Just a stone's throw]

Well, Joey I know that every situation is different but from what LB has written in every single post it is like a quote from my R with exMM. It is word-for-word and it makes a whole heck of a lot of sense now to me and I see why I was not the right one for the gig.

 

ExMM did pursue me for some time in a friendship turned EA turned PA, it was the the nature of the pursuit. I think he wanted to see if I (and he) would really go for it. As it turned out, I didn't say no. He wanted the "dance" not necessarily the "end game".

 

You're right in that it doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings for Michelle2010, he could rightly have them but he doesn't want to deal with them in that way. He doesn't want to have to think about them and if she has them too, and they're apparent each time they hook up, then he will have to deal with it and it then gets complicated.

 

That is the pulling back part.

[michelle2010]

Well, it's been 1 year, 7 months, to be exact. And that's only counting from the time I told him about my feelings. We worked together for a year before that, before I had a child and stopped working. In those days, we were so close. I remember him telling me about fights with his wife (which was weird, because I had an entry-level job, he is older and in a senior position) and comparing me to her, at one point he even said that I set the standards for every woman he knew, in terms of "everything"... How could I NOT fall for him?? But nothing happened between us then. He was so great to me during my pregnancy, it was my first and he had all the experience... we'd talk for an hour and people in the office would walk by and go "The two of you are STILL talking?!". We just had such a connection.

 

Then the sex part came, after I told him about my feelings. And he has mellowed out a lot every time we get together. For instance, at first he was very keen on saying that it was only sex, just like me - he would do hurtful things and never apologize. Now, apologies are plentiful... He compliments me a lot more than he used to at first, our conversations were about a lot more than sex. Our relationship just changed and got deeper over time, with a VERY clear change in his behavior towards me.

 

But, every time things "ended" it was because he'd stop contacting me. We'd set a date to finally have sex, he'd stop writing me. It happened twice, that we got to that stage. Two other times, he contacted me and I responded very coldly, so nothing came from that. Until I actually saw him late last year,and then seeing each other in person was too much... we were back on. A few weeks go by, another "appt" to meet up - and he stops writing me as soon as we make it... I didn't get it.

 

I asked him, once he came back, why he wouldn't let it happen between us. He didn't answer my question directly. He said "Michelle, every time, I promise that it was never because I didn't want it to happen... I did." The only explanation I can come up with is that he felt guilty, or he wanted me to think he did.

 

So, of course I'd like to believe Joey's theory... And given what things were like the last time we were together, I am more inclined to think that he got scared, but I'm sure LB's theory has something to do with it too. It's probably a combo... a very complicated one. The bottom line is that he doesn't want to deal with feelings - and he made that clear last time, although not in those terms. He pointed out the limitations our relationship would always have and seemed sad about it. I saw that on his face. He was not dealing well with the NSA part alone. I know it sounds like wishful thinking, but he had brought that up in his head already, which surprised me. It hadn't even occurred to me that it wouldn't be NSA... apparently, it had occurred to him.

 

And I feel better today. I feel more comfortable with the fact that it's over. Posting really helps so much, and you guys are so insightful!! Now all I have to do is start my day, hold my baby and hope for better days.

Edited May 4, 2010 by michelle2010

[jthorne]

The more I read this, the more it sounds like Edith's husband. It's eerie. I guess if your MM gets confronted or served with divorce papers on Friday, we'll know for sure. The only thing different is the sex, which she can't confirm anyway. Nevertheless...

 

I do imagine he has feelings for you, but those feelings are within the affair bubble. It's a fantasy. The chase is fun, it's an ego boost. It's so fun in fact, that it will not stop unless someone stops it. Yes, there will be those times when reality creeps in and he'll be feeling guilty, or be afraid of getting caught. But the ego pull is too strong, and as soon as the guilt is over, he'll be back.

 

He goes away when reality creeps in. When the selfish desire to have his needs met overtakes him, he returns. This flippy floppy emotional rollercoaster is what you sign up for if you choose to stay. He may have feelings for you, but if your A is discovered, I wouldn't put it past him to throw you under the bus to save his marriage.

 

What a guy. He has two women in a tailspin. You wondering what the heck is going on with him and his flip-flopping, and her at home, probably wondering why his behavior towards her has changed and has she done something wrong.

 

Don't delude yourself that he won't contact you. You know better than that. You got off this hellish ride once, it's up to you to stay off.

Edited May 4, 2010 by jthorne

[SavannahSmiles]

I'd bet money that he'll be contacting you again. It may take a little time, but he will. I know you are not thinking clearly at this moment, but you need to be prepared for the time when he tries to make contact. Think about how you want to react to that.

 

I hope you feel better soon. (((michelle2010))

 

 

You need to be prepared. You need the mindset that he will not contact you anymore. If he does, go back and read this thread. Decide if it is worth going through another emotional roller coaster. Is one high worth a thousand lows?

[michelle2010]

Well, I guess we'll see if he will contact me or not... I'll be back to tell you guys if he does. And I wish I could believe that he feels guilty. Even though that would only make my feelings grow.

 

As it stands now, I see him as a serial cheater (and to explain that, I'd have to explain how we got together in the first place, which is a very long story... but it involves him coming on to another woman). It might be my own tendency to separate people into all good or all evil (and I also know this is wrong), but I have a really hard time seeing him feeling any kind of guilt about what we did. It wasn't his first time.

 

If guilt is involved at all, I do believe it's only if he wants me to think he's feeling guilty, so he can distance himself without stirring resentment - that way, he can return whenever he wants. We had a conversation once, where I brought up feeling bad about what we were doing. I asked "But don't you feel bad about it? I do." and he said "Of course I do...". (Not very convincing!) Then I thought we were getting too intimate and cut it off by saying that we didn't have to talk about that and should turn the conversation towards more pleasant things. He agreed.

 

I know I need to prepare myself for the possibility that he will come back. I can't predict how I'm going to feel, but I know that I'll be missing him. As J. said, I need to stay off the rollercoaster... But I always forget the pain he puts me through. Maybe not this time.

[MorningCoffee]

I need to stay off the rollercoaster... But I always forget the pain he puts me through. Maybe not this time.

I know what you mean. I finally had to go total NC, and mean it. To help me stay committed to NC, I went back and listed the actions or words of my MW which at the time had made me feel bad or sad or whatever, and found the two that stood out as causing the most pain and being the most "WTF?" kinds of things. The ones that pop into your weary head in the middle of the night and the pain returns, fresh as if it were yesterday, really hard to let go of.

 

Then I imagined the impact of one of the really huge obstacles that I would face in my future only if we were together.

 

So these three things (2 from our past together, 1 from a future together) I use to remind myself about the rollercoaster, why I want to stay off it, and the drama and pain that would continue, perhaps worse, in the future, but which I am not to going to experience because I am NC.

 

I share this because it was not easy for me to regain my balance, and this method really has helped. Maybe it or something similar'll help you, too.

[jthorne]

There are different levels of guilt. The level I was speaking of is the low level that is more like, "I'm not sorry I did it, but I'm powerfully sorry I got caught."

 

I'm sorry, but I doubt his guilt is because of you. His "guilt" is because he is risking his lifestyle if he gets caught. Like I said, once that fades away a bit he'll be back. But he'll also break contact the second this "guilt" comes back. And contacting you again the second it fades. Doesn't sound like a fun ride being jerked around.

[michelle2010]

Oh, OK... I think I get it now... I was thinking more along the lines of guilt because of his wife, you know, what he's doing to her. I don't have any illusions that he cares about my feelings. If he did, he wouldn't just disappear. Even though I told him he hurt my feelings last time and he was so apologetic and wanting to make it up to me (of course!).

 

But he has gone 4 months without contacting me before, that's the longest we've gone. Then at 2 month intervals, just like you said! Wow, I hadn't thought of that. It's always at the 2 month mark.

 

But it's different this time. We actually had sex. If he's scared/guilty, it's at an all-time high and it will probably take him longer to digest it. IF he comes back at all. Things are different now. I actually told him not to contact me, I had never done that before. I can see him honoring my request indefinitely. Right now, that thought hurts. But this too shall pass!

 

Morning Coffee - That sounds really helpful! I hadn't thought about adding something about the future, even though I can definitely come up with past things he's done that have hurt me. The worst one being not replying to my email when he decides to disappear. Other than that, he has been the kindest, most wonderful man I've had. (Not that that says a lot...)

Edited May 4, 2010 by michelle2010

[Heather1]

Wow....I miss a weekend & all hell breaks loose!! (kidding)

 

Michelle, you're just getting started & if this is what you want you need to tone down the drama. xOM & I have gone NC quite a few times, but not really based on the fact that he didn't contact me after sex. I mean, I did freak out at that first & was a little WTF? to him. Then I realized men just do that, this is not a normal relationship. He's going to call you back, he for sure has feelings for you. Here's what I wish I did the first time we had NC & he contacted me was not rush back in & give in right away. Guys are thrill of the chase, in the two forms of Joey & LB (LB sounds like more of a player, Joey probably more like most of our OM's). Don't let him set the rules. If you want to stay M, make that clear. Don't sign up for the cold NSA's, no love, no gifts, user version I got offered (& accepted btw). I was good, until I felt used & couldn't really deal w/ his drama anymore. It's funny, I'm the one who compartmentalizes, he doesn't. To minimize heartbreak, you have to think like a guy. Is it worth it? I don't know. I signed up for everything but totally cold NSA, I mean, we were friends for over a year as well so that wasn't a go for me. We had WAY more fun as friends!! The sex messed everything up. I miss both. So when he gets ahold of you, don't sign the "cold" contract & don't freak out. You actually have more power in this than you think if you can keep your cool.

 

As for your M, I'm in the same situation. Every relationship's different, so take what's offered here & leave the rest. Only you & your H know your R, only you & OM know that R. There are patterns though & the one thing all of us have for sure in common is the friggin rollercoaster!!!!

 

So yeah, take the time to think about how you want this to play out instead of letting your body decide.

 

BTW....2 months, xOM sent me an email today. I feel?? In control & indifferent.

[joey66]

Hmmm ....

 

Please forgive the t/j, but I simply cannot help myself.

 

Guys are thrill of the chase, in the two forms of Joey & LB (LB sounds like more of a player, Joey probably more like most of our OM's).

 

What exactly does that mean " ... like most of our OM's .."? And is it good or bad? Should I say thank you?

 

I still think michelle's MM has feelings for her beyond sex.

[Just a stone's throw]

Joey, I can only speak for myself but I thank you for posting here even though you are one of the few MOM. What I read of Heather's post is that she sees you in the position of a rejected MOW and your posts are so similar. But we so rarely see your side of it and that leaves us to just "suppose" and "generalize" and even "imagine" the motives/feelings of the OM. So your views are not only uniquely perspective but refreshing.

 

Not that we're USING you!!! But we are learning from you..... Truly, I am learning from you and I thank you. But in return, I want to help you if I can in any very small insignificant way. I don't want you to hurt.

 

JAST

[Heather1]

I mean a person w/ empathy & cares for the OW, it was a total compliment:)

[LucreziaBorgia]

 

I still think michelle's MM has feelings for her beyond sex.

 

I think so too, but only within very tight parameters. He sounds like a textbook compartmentalizing serial cheater. I was one as well. It is not unheard of for people like that to have genuine feelings - they just are in the same compartment as sex, and don't extend beyond the compartment so to speak. They can do what they do, close up that compartment, go home and open up the 'home' compartment. They don't consider the idea of leaving the marriage, and will generally only end the affair when it stops being convenient or tries to spill out of its given compartment.

 

They aren't heartless, they are just very compartmentalized and appear heartless when their heart is in another container.