How do you deal with waiting?

[LucreziaBorgia]

So how do I play this?? Just wait for him to contact me?

 

And when he does, should I play hard to get and take a couple of days to respond?

 

I think I've made it pretty clear to him how I feel and may have scared him. My only hope is that my lack of contact will show that I'm not that into it (which I am, but I really don't want to scare him away).

 

 

Yes, wait for him to contact you. Do not be angry when you hear from him - just say "Its good to hear from you" - just like you would any platonic female friend who might contact you. No overexcitement, just pleasant friendliness.

 

No, there is no need to play 'hard to get' or anything like that. He won't interpret it as that. Since he knows how you feel, he may assume that you are just being difficult.

 

You probably did scare him, but he'll be back when he feels comfortable again. Just be yourself, do not discuss your relationship or where it is going, do not ask about his marriage, do not ask his whereabouts or why he hasn't called, etc. He said up front that this was NSA so you can't expect that 'dating' rules are going to work. If you want him in your life, this is the way it will have to be for as long as he wants to keep it NSA. Be happy to see him, keep it focused on sex/pleasure (not cuddling/comfort), and simply mirror him. If you match his pace and keep it, you have a better chance at keeping him around.

 

Unfortunately, that means you will be miserable. This sort of arrangement is meant to work 100% for him. As soon as it dips below a certain percentage of it 'working for him' ie: you become too emotionally involved, he will withdraw again.

 

It won't be easy. You will be sad a lot. You will begin to feel used, if you don't already. You will be frustrated. You may begin to resent your H because you are with someone for the rest of your life who isn't MM. You may feel angry with MM because he only wants part, and not all. All of these feelings are normal and understandable. Being in a situation like this is not easy when one partner becomes emotionally attached.

 

You have to make sacrifices in situations like this, and since MM is clear that he wants NSA only - the sacrifice will have to be your own feelings.

[Just a stone's throw]

Yes, wait for him to contact you. Do not be angry when you hear from him - just say "Its good to hear from you" - just like you would any platonic female friend who might contact you. No overexcitement, just pleasant friendliness.

 

No, there is no need to play 'hard to get' or anything like that. He won't interpret it as that. Since he knows how you feel, he may assume that you are just being difficult.

 

You probably did scare him, but he'll be back when he feels comfortable again. Just be yourself, do not discuss your relationship or where it is going, do not ask about his marriage, do not ask his whereabouts or why he hasn't called, etc. He said up front that this was NSA so you can't expect that 'dating' rules are going to work. If you want him in your life, this is the way it will have to be for as long as he wants to keep it NSA. Be happy to see him, keep it focused on sex/pleasure (not cuddling/comfort), and simply mirror him. If you match his pace and keep it, you have a better chance at keeping him around.

 

Unfortunately, that means you will be miserable. This sort of arrangement is meant to work 100% for him. As soon as it dips below a certain percentage of it 'working for him' ie: you become too emotionally involved, he will withdraw again.

 

It won't be easy. You will be sad a lot. You will begin to feel used, if you don't already. You will be frustrated. You may begin to resent your H because you are with someone for the rest of your life who isn't MM. You may feel angry with MM because he only wants part, and not all. All of these feelings are normal and understandable. Being in a situation like this is not easy when one partner becomes emotionally attached.

 

You have to make sacrifices in situations like this, and since MM is clear that he wants NSA only - the sacrifice will have to be your own feelings.

 

Yep, did all that, did it so that I could keep it all going and as it turned out, we are finished because he just couldn't do it anymore and he needed to move on. Boxed up his feelings and put them on a shelf and he moved on. I was left holding the bag (my box) confused as heck.

 

LB, you write as if you were watching our whole thing transpire but I know that it's just a very predictable situation.... I know that now after being miserable for most of the last few months with some glimmers of very intense happy times.

 

Listen to LB. She knows of what she writes....

[White Flower]

I've been in an emotional affair with a MM for over a year. I'm married as well. Just recently, it became physical, and even though he has contacted me to say how much he can't wait to see me, we haven't met in over a week. He told me he was really busy at work... don't know if I believe him.

 

But, we both agreed that this would be NSA, so I'm trying to stay away from "attaching". But it's still so hard to be away from him. Every day, looking at my inbox and hoping he's written. The bad part is that he has replied to my emails very promptly, but not initiated them. I'm trying to come to terms with this, I know it's a bad sign.

 

My question is... in a LTA, there will invariably be times when you can't meet. How do you deal with it? I get anxious and I'm dying to see him again.

Michelle2010, I wouldn't have even kissed him until we had a strong line of communication. There were plenty of calls, emails, and IMs before we even got to that stage. You sound strings attached already and like most women you want to be practical about this but most women commint to love before sex. We just lie to ourselves, don't we? So, be careful.

 

I tried for so long to be practical and to tell you the truth I was happiest in practical form. But as a woman, I just want to love! So, with love comes pain. Prepare yourself hon.

[LostMe]

Yeah, sorry hun, sounds like you might already be losing him, it's a slippery slope from here. After a year-long EA he could well be more attached than he's comfortable with and knowing you are too means it's certainly not the NSA you both signed up for. Leave him alone and he'll be back when the guilt subsides but the cycle will just keep repeating itself and each time you're left waiting for him it'll hurt more.

 

I feel for you...the passion, desire and intoxication of an A can be so completely overwhelming and like nothing you've ever felt before. But in the end you realise you can't live your life in a fantasy world and there are people in real life that need you.

[Passion4Life]

Lucrezia - That was a brilliant post. Exactly what I've been wondering about.

 

So how do I play this?? Just wait for him to contact me? And when he does, should I play hard to get and take a couple of days to respond? I think I've made it pretty clear to him how I feel and may have scared him. My only hope is that my lack of contact will show that I'm not that into it (which I am, but I really don't want to scare him away).

 

On my side, it's not NSA sex anymore, emotionally speaking. But that's all it can ever really be because of our circumstances. I just want him in my life, that's all.

 

Our last contact was on Thursday and he had just told me how he really couldn't wait to see me. That's how we left it. I'm NOT going to contact him again.

 

As you have already decided to pursue this affair , only advice will be that in case , in future you have child from your lover never let your husband know about it .

[jwi71]

So how do I play this??

 

You don't. HE is calling the shots. You're only option is to sit by the phone and wait. Maybe he'll call. Maybe not. You can't compel him to call - especially after not telling him you will wait forever for him.

 

You're walking a very bad path for yourself...you're setting yourself up for a titanic fall.

 

Seriously, back off. You are 100% focused on him and its not reciprocated.

 

Just wait for him to contact me?

Yes.

 

And when he does, should I play hard to get and take a couple of days to respond?

Why? I'm not sure HE would be the one suffering....

 

I think I've made it pretty clear to him how I feel and may have scared him. My only hope is that my lack of contact will show that I'm not that into it (which I am, but I really don't want to scare him away).

I agree 100% with this observation. You turned on the "I love you's" and he went "Whoa, I'm looking for some tail on the side...not Mrs. Fatal Attraction".

 

Of course, it could also be after you told him you would any treatment from him and still be there...he's taking full advantage of it.

On my side, it's not NSA sex anymore, emotionally speaking. But that's all it can ever really be because of our circumstances. I just want him in my life, that's all.

That's not true. You're not thinking outside the box. You can both file for D and move in TOGETHER.

 

Our last contact was on Thursday and he had just told me how he really couldn't wait to see me. That's how we left it. I'm NOT going to contact him again.

Why not? You are contradicting yourself in your posts:

 

1) Its an EA that went PA...but NSA...huh?

2) You'll be there for him no matter what...then won't return his calls when he does.

3) You'll do anything to keep him in your life...but won't reply...

4) You'll wait "forever" then panic when he doesn't call in a few days.

 

You are no where cut out to be the OW. Too needy. I'm not saying that as an attack...just telling you I think you need more contact than an A allows. And that's all kind of bad for you.

 

So is the "A fog" you are mired in.

 

You really, really need to back off. What about some IC for you?

 

And, have you TALKED to a divorce lawyer? If not, then you have NO idea what you can get financially from your H...child support for sure...maybe even spousal support...

 

Don't live your life this way. Its all kinds of bad.

 

In one ear and out the other I suspect....

[joey66]

Lucrezia - That was a brilliant post. Exactly what I've been wondering about.

 

So how do I play this?? Just wait for him to contact me? And when he does, should I play hard to get and take a couple of days to respond? I think I've made it pretty clear to him how I feel and may have scared him. My only hope is that my lack of contact will show that I'm not that into it (which I am, but I really don't want to scare him away).

 

On my side, it's not NSA sex anymore, emotionally speaking. But that's all it can ever really be because of our circumstances. I just want him in my life, that's all.

 

Our last contact was on Thursday and he had just told me how he really couldn't wait to see me. That's how we left it. I'm NOT going to contact him again.

 

michelle2010 - I so relate to what you are saying. And I think that the other posters are correct, too, if a little harsh. You do make some contradictions. You do need to back off. You are 100% focused on him and it's not reciprocated.

 

I also don't think you can show him that you're not that into it. You are that into it.

 

It's not that the advice goes in one ear and out the other. I suspect that (like me) you hear the advice and recognize it to be sound. But you can't just snap your fingers and not be in love with someone, no matter how sensible that would be. At least I can't.

 

Please keep posting. I'm pulling for you.

[michelle2010]

Wow... so much to comment on. And I am pretty convinced that I'm not cut out for this. Funny thing is, MM told me exactly that, as soon as we started talking. He said I was too "nervous". But how can I not be?? I was 19 when I met my husband, he was my 1st real boyfriend, 21 when I married - I was a virgin. I have never cheated on him and this guy was the first one I had feelings for, (it's been THREE years) other than my husband. Now, things finally happen (after 1.5 years EA, but on and off) and he's not that into it?? WTF?? That's how I feel.

 

I do get all the advice (LB, again... wow. What an amazing post. I will follow your advice to the letter.). I am too weak and needy to deal with this. I am WAY too much of a chicken to tell him that I want more - he doesn't even want this. My only consolation are the clues I got from him last time, in person, and in quite a few phone calls, showing that he was a little overwhelmed by everything we were doing. And the sex was pretty amazing (it really was, for him, too, there's no way he could have faked it,t hat I'm sure of). And he said a couple of things that day that were quite telling... It was just a different vibe after we had sex.

 

But for over a year, every time things ended, it was because he stopped contacting me. I should have seen that he wasn't that into it back then. But then, he always came back and plunged me into confusion. There haven't been emotional conversations between us - I always stopped them. Except for last time, right after the sex... He was asking me all kinds of questions about my kid, my husband, etc., if I wanted to have more kids... there was so much there. I really thought things were going to be kicked into high gear. And then this happens. I am heartbroken after reading all these posts. I would rather believe that he was just using me for over a year, got the sex that he wanted, and now he's gone. That would make things easier. But I felt more. He felt more.

Edited May 2, 2010 by michelle2010

[BB07]

Waiting sucks......and if you are already in the bargaining stages with yourself, you are in for a whole lot more of it. From your original post it seems as if this is someone that you really don't know that well, so hopefully it will be easier for you to back away. I recognize some of how I used to be in your post and it hurts to read it. I would NEVER go back to that dark place again. You've been given some really good advice here, hopefully you'll back off before you get in any deeper.

[michelle2010]

And BTW, divorce?? It hasn't even crossed my mind. This is EXTREMELY hypocritical, but I could never trust this man. I have a faithful husband. I need it to remain that way. I would never trust MM as a mate. What happens between us could never be sustained in real life... I know what that makes me, but I'm being honest. Our families would remain intact, if anything happened between us. (Because, now I doubt that there's anything there...)

 

I still wish there was some way to regain the upper hand. The only thing I can do is wait for time to pass and tell myself that it might show him I am a lot more sensible than I've shown myself to be. If I can be as cool as he is, we might have a future. I just miss him so much, it hurts.

 

Did I mention that it was only the first time we had sex, after 1.5 years?? That might make a difference. And he was so keen on how often it would happen from then on, that's why I was dumbfounded and asking him what was going on... He seemed so sure of it when we were together.

 

I am trying to think straight right now. And trying so hard not to feel my heart sink every time I open that Inbox and his name doesn't pop up...

[califnan]

I think the best thing for you at this point is to be honest with your MM and let him know that you need to renegotiate your terms. You can still be NSA but he needs to know that it's not for lack of being in love with him. I'm not sure that's actually NSA when you think about it but if you both agree to the terms then perhaps you can continue on that basis.

 

 

 

JAST

 

--------------------

 

Or if you cannot tell him how you feel, why be in the relationship.

 

As it is - he may be reassessing, or feeling guilty .. But this is a good time for you to reassess as well, Michelle. Affairs of this type seem to all be based on the perfectness of the individual - as part of your life..

 

But it is like putting your hand in the fire, Michelle.. I would not be doing my job, if I didn't warn you to save yourself grief, heartache, years, marrital destruction - and walk away from this, with the replacement of working on your marriage.

[Just a stone's throw]

Ah yes, that does explain a few things. Hon. He is feeling so guilty right now I can't even tell you. He has extremely good feelings about the sex you had and he is trying to process it all. Trust me, his responses have a lot to do with the fact it was your first sexual encounter.

[bentnotbroken]

Why have sex with someone you can't talk to. Why have sex and not be able to express your real feelings? Why have sex without the rest? It seems silly to be able to open yourself physically, but not verbally.

[califnan]

Why have sex with someone you can't talk to. Why have sex and not be able to express your real feelings? Why have sex without the rest? It seems silly to be able to open yourself physically, but not verbally.

 

------------------

 

Michelle is trying to figure out how to play him, without scaring him off.. It is all a waste.

[michelle2010]

It is definitely not the right time to overwhelm him with my feelings. He seemed worried last time about our relationship remaining casual. He was having trouble with it. I, to be honest, was more interested in the sex we had just had. It took a few days for the feelings to surface. A fog, alright!

 

I am trying to play the situation - I don't know how to handle myself right now. This is my first time and I hope, last. He's the one I want. He's the one I dream about at night. He's the one I'm thinking of when I'm in the kitchen making dinner and playing Sinatra... It has been him for a very long time.

 

But none of that changes the fact that, regardless of how involved we both become, we can never be together. I fully undertsand this. So does he. We both seem to have wrapped our heads around that. But our hearts?? I don't know. (Although, after all of this, I should only speak for myself...)

[bentnotbroken]

------------------

 

Michelle is trying to figure out how to play him, without scaring him off.. It is all a waste.

 

 

All the while treating, by her own admittance, faithful man like crap. She is only involved in the fantasy. She wouldn't even entertain the idea of this happening to her child, so I doubt she would even entertain the idea of her faithful H cheating on her and leaving for someone else, child or not.

[califnan]

All the while treating, by her own admittance, faithful man like crap. She is only involved in the fantasy. She wouldn't even entertain the idea of this happening to her child, so I doubt she would even entertain the idea of her faithful H cheating on her and leaving for someone else, child or not.

 

--------------------

 

Michelle, You can't put your hand in the fire and expect that it isn't going to cost you months.. years - and maybe the sacrifice of your marriage..

 

Working on your marriage, could be this dream - with the Frank Sinatra music..

[BB07]

It is definitely not the right time to overwhelm him with my feelings. He seemed worried last time about our relationship remaining casual. He was having trouble with it. I, to be honest, was more interested in the sex we had just had. It took a few days for the feelings to surface. A fog, alright!

 

I am trying to play the situation - I don't know how to handle myself right now. This is my first time and I hope, last. He's the one I want. He's the one I dream about at night. He's the one I'm thinking of when I'm in the kitchen making dinner and playing Sinatra... It has been him for a very long time.

 

But none of that changes the fact that, regardless of how involved we both become, we can never be together. I fully undertsand this. So does he. We both seem to have wrapped our heads around that. But our hearts?? I don't know. (Although, after all of this, I should only speak for myself...)

 

 

Michelle......short lived fantasies can cause you a lot of pain and regret down the road. Since you say you know you can never be together, how can you expect to ever have peace and happiness about it, well other than the few short lived exciting parts of the beginning of it, (which you are now in). Do you honestly think a year down the road you are going to be feeling so in love and excited then? More than likely a part of you will be miserable and very dissatisfied with yourself for accepting less than you want and that's not even mentioning the complications that will come up if you have a dday.

[bananalaffytaffy]

All the while treating, by her own admittance, faithful man like crap. She is only involved in the fantasy. She wouldn't even entertain the idea of this happening to her child, so I doubt she would even entertain the idea of her faithful H cheating on her and leaving for someone else, child or not.

It never fails to amaze me how people will throw their whole lives away for a few moments of pleasure. Wonder what baby will think when she finds out mommy broke daddy's heart because mommy couldn't keep her legs closed.

 

But I suppose the OP is too selfishly thinking about her next sexcapade to think of the people she's hurting.

[jwi71]

And BTW, divorce?? It hasn't even crossed my mind. This is EXTREMELY hypocritical, but I could never trust this man. I have a faithful husband. I need it to remain that way. I would never trust MM as a mate. What happens between us could never be sustained in real life... I know what that makes me, but I'm being honest. Our families would remain intact, if anything happened between us. (Because, now I doubt that there's anything there...)

 

I still wish there was some way to regain the upper hand. The only thing I can do is wait for time to pass and tell myself that it might show him I am a lot more sensible than I've shown myself to be. If I can be as cool as he is, we might have a future. I just miss him so much, it hurts.

 

Did I mention that it was only the first time we had sex, after 1.5 years?? That might make a difference. And he was so keen on how often it would happen from then on, that's why I was dumbfounded and asking him what was going on... He seemed so sure of it when we were together.

 

I am trying to think straight right now. And trying so hard not to feel my heart sink every time I open that Inbox and his name doesn't pop up...

 

Oh Michelle. I feel so sorry for you. I do. This is going to explode all around you. How will you explain this to your family?

 

I want you to do some searches for a poster named My Brown Eyed Girl.

She was (get the tense here) married, had three boys (I think) and was having a torrid A. Of course, she got caught. Her lover was also tossed out and divorced.

 

She went went from great H, good home and nice fairy tale life to a small apt and all kinds of hurt and confusion.

 

No, she's not with the her former lover now. Supposedly.

 

Wanna know HOW she got there?

 

By walking the SAME path you are. You are trying to hard and too involved in your MOM (married other man). Too worried about him and yourself and keeping the A alive.

 

There is no way no how you are in a place to process this. Too far into it.

 

You'll be back. When either your H or his W finds out. Called D-day. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe weeks from now.

 

An A is very much a poison insidiously sucking the life out of you. EVERY poster here learns this. The hard way.

 

LS will be here when this happens...and yes, it will.

[joey66]

Some of the responses have been counterproductive, IMHO. While I agree that michelle2010 should work on moving on, attacks cannot help anything.

 

She's in love with this guy. Maybe that's not ideal, but it is what it is. How can we help? Surely not by name calling and brow beating.

 

I still love you all.

[Davnnic]

Listen to what others here are telling you-it does not get any wasier-it gets more difficult emotionally and your feelings day to day will become dependent on your interactions (or lack thereof) with your MM. Turst me, I am in the thick of it now-and just as I am glad that I never started smmoking because I see how difficult it is for people to quit, I wish I never started the A, because it too is difficult to quit once emotions get involved.

I told My MM that I would never leave my devoted husband and that I only wanted sex. Well, guess what? We both fell in love (or think we are), and I am now separted and proceedding with a D. MM is still M until, he clains, he finishes his degree later this year. We shall see, but I am not banking on it..actions speak louder than words, and although he is quite eloquent, he is also quite sedentary.

End it now, mourn the loss, and move on-whether with yhour H or not, but don't get further into this and settle for waiting for a MM-or ANY man, to give you an email, text, call, etc. Go get what you want and need.

[califnan]

Michelle and Davnnic, Somehow I don't think most of these marriages would have ended in divorce, had it not been for the attraction ... then to "love" with another..

[califnan]

Asking about you and your husband and if you want to have more kids???

 

Michelle, Read Edith's threads (particularly the last one) Her threads are in the Infidelity section. .. She says her husband is asking the other woman about her husband and if she wants to have more children ..

 

Is this common - or are you and Edith related: Your being the OW and Edith being the BS.

[Davnnic]

My marriage was ending before MM entered the picture...otherwise i wouldn't have entered into an A. When things were good, I was never tempted-EVER, and I had opportunity.