Jen1689 Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 I'm losing grip... I don't know what to do anymore. I've been here hundreds of times, but it never gets any easier and it never lessens. I'm twenty-one, and I've been dating my boyfriend (twenty-two) for a year and four months now, and we're perfect together. We're the best friends either one of us could ever ask for. We talk about our future together a lot. He mentions buying a house together, getting married, and having kids. His parents love me, and my parents love him. We do nearly everything together: from drinking to just cuddling on the couch and having a lazy day. He took my virginity a little over a year ago, and he's the only one I want to sleep with for the rest of my life. He makes me laugh constantly, and I always do my best to make sure that he's happy. All-in-all, we're soulmates. However, for the last seven to eight months, I've been plagued by one thing: his ex. I don't know what it is about her, but I just cannot let the thought of her go. Let me give a background: When we first met, I knew nothing of this girl other than maybe one thing that a friend of mine had said in passing. For a few months before we started dating, we were just friends, but my boyfriend definitely wanted to be more than that. He asked me out many times, and tried so many ways to get me to see the glimmer in him, but given my circumstance at the time, I was not ready to date anyone, especially seriously. So he sat by patiently and waited for me, until I finally got my head out of my ass long enough to see what I had going for me, and decided to give us a chance. Now, as everyone knows, one of the ways in getting to know someone in a new relationship is to discuss past relationships as a way to convey what you expect from one another. You put out everything that you've disliked in the past, and what you won't settle for in the future. We did this. It was fine at first. He gave me the gist of his last relationship, and I did the same. It didn't bother me then. I realized that everyone has a past, and she was part of his. As time went by, I began to learn more and more about their relationship. He would bring her up in the most random of situations, and it would just make me think: "Why is she always on his mind?" I began to get curious. I would ask him questions about her, and the answers would always make my skin crawl. Apparently their relationship was a very messed up one. They dated for about two years, on-and-off. He said that the longest span he ever dated her for was probably two months just because she was so crazy. She was hooked on drinking, drugs, and was just a drama queen in every way. She was fourteen or fifteen when they began dating (a freshman) and he was about seventeen (a senior). They fought constantly (at least once a day, screaming matches), and they broke up at least one to two times per month. She cheated on him twice that he knew of (once with a girl, and once with one of his old best friends). She dropped out of school after ninth grade, when my boyfriend tried to make her get a job to support herself. He got her to stop drinking and doing drugs, but she was sucked back into it numerous times while they were together. Every time he tried to break up with her, she would throw a fit and threaten suicide. She belittled him, humiliated him, manipulated him, and threatened his emotional and mental health. She made him give up music (which is one of his biggest passions) and would throw temper tantrums if he didn't pay her enough attention. When they had sex (which makes me sick to think about), he said that she was very selfish and demanding. He finally broke up with her for good on Mother's Day 2008. On that day, he went to her house and finalized it. She grabbed a kitchen knife and sliced her wrist open in front of him out of desperation. He called 911, but then walked home and didn't speak to her again. She began sleeping with and dating another guy within not even a month. She continued to contact my boyfriend over the next few months, but he changed his number and tried every way possible to make her stop calling him. She became pregnant a couple months after that at age seventeen. She seemed to be getting on fine with her "fiance" and son, but then out of no where, she messaged my boyfriend on MySpace and said only three words: "I hate you". He didn't respond, and he deleted the message right away after telling me about it, and then blocked her. I can literally play their entire relationship from beginning to end with all of the information I know. I know her birthday, where she works, and what her current address is. I've found a way into her MySpace account where I can view all of her photos and status updates. I can also view her Facebook photos and read all of the current information on her. I found a Yelp account that was made by her only a week or so before my boyfriend broke up with her in May, 2008. Under her stats, she still has my boyfriend's name listed under her Current Crush. She made a Kaboodle account that listed gifts for her nineteenth birthday, and listed were albums of artists that my boyfriend has been obsessed with since he was fifteen. It made my skin crawl to know that she still listened to it. I've spoken to my boyfriend about this many times. We've fought about it and simply discussed it. He's given me every reassurance I need to feel better and more secure about it, but I don't. He said that he never meant to sound like he was comparing me to her, because there's just simply no comparison. He said that he never meant to bring "her" up so much, but that he was just letting me know that, up until he met me, that was all he had ever known in a relationship. It kills me to think about them fighting and screaming and then turning around and being okay for a minute and having sex. It kills me to know that, even a relationship with so much hatred still contained so much passion, which is something that love itself just doesn't seem to capture. She's pretty, and she holds a lot of the same characteristics that I do: Blue eyes, dark hair, similar smile; and although she's gained a bunch of weight due to being pregnant, it doesn't make me feel any less insecure. How could he have stayed with someone like that for so long? What did she have that kept him going back to her? He's told me that he never loved her, and if he was honest, that he never even liked her, but that it was all he had ever known. His mom and his sister were big drama queens while he was growing up. His mother drank a lot, and his sister was big into drugs and alcohol. He even said that his ex went to AA meetings with his sister... I'm going insane. I've been going to therapy for months now, but it hasn't eased the pain. I'm on antidepressants and have been for about a month, but the obsessive thoughts haven't lessened. With every word that my boyfriend says to me, I hear her name and see her face. Last night we went out for drinks and it was mentioned that one of our friends, who's twenty-two, is dating a seventeen year old girl. My boyfriend say that he's still not safe to date her and is barely missing the mark. He said that he knows those rules backwards and forwards. We asked him why he would know that, and he said, "Well, as you know I've dealt with this first-hand". It turned my stomach and made me feel sick. My mood is now destroyed, and I can't get those words out of my head. Every word that he's ever mentioned about her can be replayed in my head, over and over, like a CD in my mind. I don't know what to do now. I love him more than life itself, but I'm losing my mind. Sometimes, when I picture myself, I don't picture my face, I picture hers. I try to look like her sometimes, thinking that that is how it should be. I don't know how I got here. Please, please, if anyone's ever experienced this and gotten past it, please help me. I'm desperate...
fellforher Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 I think you are obviously obsessed about this and it is unhealthy. I learned a lot in life and one of those things is not to think so much. Do not overthink things. Because when you have been burned so many times your gut feelings are constantly negative and simply do not work anymore. I have had many paranoid thoughts come true and I have also not had them come true. Lately the paranoid thoughts have been wrong. I can not get into details, but obsessing and "following your gut" is not going to work for you. It sounds like you have a serious problem and may need counseling to deal with it. If you really love this guy you need to do something because you are going to freak him out at some point and he will leave you. Personally, I would recommend a lot more exercise and finding things to do that you enjoy as hobbies. I know that sounds obvious but you need an outlet before you can level your head and be reasonable about what is really going on.
AttillatheHun Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy, I think you need to relax a little. What you are doing, is called 'paralysis by analysis'- that is, you are overthinking things too much and letting issues of the past affect the present. These feelings that you have about your current partner having been in other relationships is normal. The very thought of our partner having shared any intimacy or connection with another person is enough to make anyone's blood boil. I am no stranger to that, with my current gf having quite a few partners before I met her. I think you should have a browse through this sub-forum, because it might help put things into perspective and make you realise that your boyfriend is a real winner. However, I don't think you can blame your boyfriend for having being in a relationship with this girl, because obviously he never knew what she was truly like. Again, I am no stranger to that. I have fallen into a few relationships only to find that it is a really different picture behind the scenes. And sometimes, these relationships can be really difficult to escape, especially if the partner is psychotic. These thoughts are normal, but don't let them consume you. Try to look at the positive- he is no longer with her, and is committed to being with you. Paranoia is a parasite that just kills joy before it can ever really blossom into something beautiful like a healthy relationship. Don't let it destroy what sounds like a promising future.
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