Odd Sense of Closure

[CarrieT]

I broke up with my ExBF almost two years ago and having living alone for the first time in my adult life (46 years) since. Having been a serial monogamist, for the past 25 years (excepting the last two), I have had a man sleeping next to me and learning to be by myself has been difficult, to say the least.

 

My last relationship was very tumultuous and our break-up was extremely ugly. When I moved out, I got an apartment that was very close to where we lived and over the last two years, he and I have occasionally crossed paths on the street or in the grocery store. It was always hard on me; not because I wanted to get back together with him, but because all of my previous relationships ended amicably (I am still good friends with all my other Ex's except for the most recent).

 

I was not friends with this man and for whatever reason (whether or not you believe in the occult or not), he and I still had a "connection." For example, a year ago I three or four consecutive nights of devastating nightmares about him. I finally contacted his mother to see if he was alive or not and it turned out that my night terrors coincided with his first four days of rehab and going through the DTs.

 

Several times in the past two years when I have had very bad dreams about him, I had it confirmed through mutual friends that he was going through particularly bad times (rehab didn't stick and he started drinking again). I never called or engaged in contact with him -- why open old wounds? I there was this ever-present knowledge that he was near and in pain and barely struggling.

 

I knew that more than anything he wanted out of San Francisco. He wanted to move to Panama while we were together and during his whole adult life, had never lived in any city for more than two or three years. That he lived here a total of five years was surprising.

 

And I got confirmation this week that he had reached a final low; finally evicted from the apartment we rented together (literally across the street from where I now live), having burned professional bridges that we built together, he finally left the city, going to live with one of the few remaining friends he had left, in Idaho. I know he wanted to go to Panama, but didn't even have enough to travel that far; again, shocking because less than two years ago, we were earning $80k a month.

 

Our mutual friend told that the state of our apartment was that of a derelict; he had shattered computer monitors with golf clubs, spray painted on the the walls, and essentially lived in filth. So I have this odd sense of closure; perhaps the absence of his physical proximity to me, that his demise will no longer effect me. And based on his financial and professional status, it is unlikely he will ever be able to return to San Francisco in any capacity so I have this release; the city is mine, to walk freely without fear of crossing paths.

 

It feel like a new day.

[CLC2008]

I broke up with my ExBF almost two years ago and having living alone for the first time in my adult life (46 years) since. Having been a serial monogamist, for the past 25 years (excepting the last two), I have had a man sleeping next to me and learning to be by myself has been difficult, to say the least.

 

My last relationship was very tumultuous and our break-up was extremely ugly. When I moved out, I got an apartment that was very close to where we lived and over the last two years, he and I have occasionally crossed paths on the street or in the grocery store. It was always hard on me; not because I wanted to get back together with him, but because all of my previous relationships ended amicably (I am still good friends with all my other Ex's except for the most recent).

 

I was not friends with this man and for whatever reason (whether or not you believe in the occult or not), he and I still had a "connection." For example, a year ago I three or four consecutive nights of devastating nightmares about him. I finally contacted his mother to see if he was alive or not and it turned out that my night terrors coincided with his first four days of rehab and going through the DTs.

 

Several times in the past two years when I have had very bad dreams about him, I had it confirmed through mutual friends that he was going through particularly bad times (rehab didn't stick and he started drinking again). I never called or engaged in contact with him -- why open old wounds? I there was this ever-present knowledge that he was near and in pain and barely struggling.

 

I knew that more than anything he wanted out of San Francisco. He wanted to move to Panama while we were together and during his whole adult life, had never lived in any city for more than two or three years. That he lived here a total of five years was surprising.

 

And I got confirmation this week that he had reached a final low; finally evicted from the apartment we rented together (literally across the street from where I now live), having burned professional bridges that we built together, he finally left the city, going to live with one of the few remaining friends he had left, in Idaho. I know he wanted to go to Panama, but didn't even have enough to travel that far; again, shocking because less than two years ago, we were earning $80k a month.

 

Our mutual friend told that the state of our apartment was that of a derelict; he had shattered computer monitors with golf clubs, spray painted on the the walls, and essentially lived in filth. So I have this odd sense of closure; perhaps the absence of his physical proximity to me, that his demise will no longer effect me. And based on his financial and professional status, it is unlikely he will ever be able to return to San Francisco in any capacity so I have this release; the city is mine, to walk freely without fear of crossing paths.

 

It feel like a new day.

 

Good for you for staying strong.

 

[You Go Girl]

Drinkers leave an odd scar on us. Watching someone choose to abuse themselves in any manner is so very difficult because there is nothing we can do about it but watch in sadness.

Knowing that he has fallen to a new low, you can only hope he is near his rock bottom.

Enjoy your city. Every once in awhile take a deep breath of it all around you, and enjoy it for the healthy part that is somewhere in his mind--say--this moment I'm appreciating for you, since you can't do it yourself. Then the next moment take a similar breath of appreciation for yourself. You survived watching that self-abuse, and it wasn't an easy thing to do--you're a survivor of an alcoholic relationship. Make a mental note to never abuse yourself in any way, since you know how destructive it is and painful to watch.

Life! The hum of the city around you. Help others who will accept help when possible--it's giving to make the world a better place. Every day notice something you didn't about your city before--when you were consumed with thinking about his problem.

I read what I've written here, and I'm not sure I'm done with how someone else's drinking has affected me, but I do know how to seek out healthy laughter--life goes on--make it better.

[CarrieT]

Thank you both.

 

I went out yesterday and enjoyed the fruits of the season; literally (our Ferry Plaza Farmer's Market is pretty legendary). I have some work to do today and I hope to break myself away from this site (which is an addiction itself) to go for a long walk outside.

 

Honestly, I hope to stop posting here soon. I read others' plights and am embroiled in their struggles without going and living myself. I have become fairly insular -- part of the difficulty of being self-employed with a computer on your lap for most of the day anyway.