TheGrimSweeper Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 I was dating a girl for almost a year and a half. Everything was great we never had any fights in person really, our only arguments came over texting but for the most part was nothing big. We had talked about spending the rest of our lives together (wasn't until the one year mark really). We both really loved each other and still do. Im 23 and shes 20. Anyway she got really busy with school and February and we weren't able to hang out as much and it hurt the relationship. She said it was upsetting her because she never got to spend that much time with me cause she had so little free time and the time she did spend she felt she had to spend it with me and didn't get to see her friends that much. Anyway she broke it off for now, saying she wasn't ready for this and wanted time to find out who she is and what she wants. Shes afraid that it will continue to be like this for the remaining 2 years of University even though we had worked out a lot of the issues of why it had gone wrong. Meanwhile while shes doing this she tells me, I was the best boyfriend, that I was perfect and that she couldn't even imagine finding anyone else she'd be happier with, she just can't be in a relationship right now. She wants to just stay friends with me for now while she goes through all this. I at first said I wasnt sure if I wanted to just be friends, cause if she wanted to go and do stuff with other guys that there is no way I could. She said that wasn't her intention at all she just wants to be care free and slow things down, take it day by day. Anyway she guilted me into staying friends, I caved and did. Now its a few weeks later and it was her birthday the past week and shes basically just been drinking a lot of having parties with her friends, I dont know why she didnt before I never stopped her from doing it. But She somehow has all this time she didnt have before? Meanwhile she wants me to just be this friend "on the side" not part of any of that but do to things with her like go running at the lake, or go to the farmers market etc. Over the past few weeks I stopped talking to her and when she messaged me kept it very brief and stopped replying eventually. Last night she finally came out and said "you don't want to be friends do you". I told her flat out I'm not just going to be her friend on the side while she does all this stuff in the meantime. Its not fair to me to become that while your figuring out what you want not knowing whether or not will ever get back together again. She tells me again I was the best boyfriend and doesn't think its fair to be in a relationship cause she doesn't think she can dedicated the time to me for it and thinks I deserve better right now. If she really loved me that much you'd think she'd be willing to work this through? We discussed some of the things that we did wrong and how to improve them. Anyway she kinda tried to guilt me into staying friends with her again but I'm holding strong this time. She thinks if we can't be friends how could we ever date again. My opinion is different. If I just stay as her friend on the side and do these things with her then I don't see how will ever become more then friends again as I'll still be there and she won't miss anything. If I'm gone completely then maybe she would realize what she's done and would want it back. Especially since she told me she means everything shes said about me being perfect for her. I told her you can't have the best of both worlds in this situations, its not possible. You either have me completely or you don't have me at all. I then said its not fair to me as I'm always going to be wanting more if we just stay friends, and its not fair to have that feeling constantly over me. I told her I still think about her all the time and that only happens if you do really love someone. Anyway I ended it with saying I hope you do figure things out and when your ready you should come talk to me and said please don't reply to this. She tried to talk to me a couple days later about something, not the relationship but i didn't really reply. Is it selfish of me to think this way? I do really love this girl and don't want to hurt her, but shes hurt me more then she can imagine by doing all this.
fallapart1016 Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Sounds like my situation. Except I graduated, and she just finished school. She is acting the same way, says needs to be independent and that means drinking with friends and partying. I never stopped her from that either. Anyways, I just came to say, you should be lucky she wants to be friends. Mine said we can't and I took that as well maybe that means only a couple. Unforntually it has been weeks and she hasn't talked to me.
D-Lish Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Is it selfish of me to think this way? I do really love this girl and don't want to hurt her, but shes hurt me more then she can imagine by doing all this. No- it's more a case of her being selfish for wanting to keep you on the line as she figures out her crap. She lost her priviledge of contact when she ended things, plain and simple. Don't respond to her, don't be her friend. That's the right way to go for a number of reasons.
skydiveaddict Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 it's typical female behavior she doesn't want a relationship w/you so she tries to sugarcoat it. Take it for what it is she doesn't want you in her life. so dont be there to be her "friend"
CarrieT Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 I'll go a step further than SkyDive and say it is typical YOUNG PERSON BEHAVIOR. It doesn't matter if it is a man or a woman, but the fact that you two bonded very young in life and neither of you have had a chance to grow up and learn what it means to be single and independent. That she wants a "friend" on the side is becoming typical of this generation while you are still holding more traditional values. Let her go and know that you WILL find someone else. But don't beat yourself up too much -- this is all part of growing up and not at all uncommon.
D-Lish Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 I'll go a step further than SkyDive and say it is typical YOUNG PERSON BEHAVIOR. It doesn't matter if it is a man or a woman, but the fact that you two bonded very young in life and neither of you have had a chance to grow up and learn what it means to be single and independent. That she wants a "friend" on the side is becoming typical of this generation while you are still holding more traditional values. Let her go and know that you WILL find someone else. But don't beat yourself up too much -- this is all part of growing up and not at all uncommon. I wish that was the case Carrie, but I've dated men in their 30's that haven't grown up yet. I have though, and it's me that says "no- are you effing kidding me?"
jellysandwich Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Sounds like my situation. Except I graduated, and she just finished school. She is acting the same way, says needs to be independent and that means drinking with friends and partying. I never stopped her from that either. Anyways, I just came to say, you should be lucky she wants to be friends. Mine said we can't and I took that as well maybe that means only a couple. Unforntually it has been weeks and she hasn't talked to me. My situation as well, except I made it clear I wasn't happy about the partying/drinking. She used that as an excuse to break up with me, and gave me the whole let's be friends thing. If anything, you are lucky she doesn't want to be friends. Makes it easier for you to move on and not be strung along.
Author TheGrimSweeper Posted May 2, 2010 Author Posted May 2, 2010 it's typical female behavior she doesn't want a relationship w/you so she tries to sugarcoat it. Take it for what it is she doesn't want you in her life. so dont be there to be her "friend" I don't think its that she doesn't want me in her life. Shes cried and gotten really upset and almost angry when I said I can't be friends. Shes also said stuff like "I hope one day we can start over again". Very confusing.
You Go Girl Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Your ex gf isn't ready to be committed in a relationship. 99% of young people aren't, or are just temporarily, until they decide they aren't. In my 40's, I now believe that almost zero young people are ready for a committed relationship, and to stick it out and make it last. Everybody needs experience behind them before deciding to settle down. And that's just it--settling down is not for the faint of heart. Make the right decision for YOU. It looks like you have--friendship is not an option with her right now. Ask yourself if you made any crucial errors--and if the answer is yes, work on them. If the answer is no--go out and date somebody new.
Author TheGrimSweeper Posted May 2, 2010 Author Posted May 2, 2010 Your ex gf isn't ready to be committed in a relationship. 99% of young people aren't, or are just temporarily, until they decide they aren't. In my 40's, I now believe that almost zero young people are ready for a committed relationship, and to stick it out and make it last. Everybody needs experience behind them before deciding to settle down. And that's just it--settling down is not for the faint of heart. Make the right decision for YOU. It looks like you have--friendship is not an option with her right now. Ask yourself if you made any crucial errors--and if the answer is yes, work on them. If the answer is no--go out and date somebody new. I did make some mistakes and so did she. We talked about them a few times and things we would do differently. The difference between us is Im ready to try and make it stronger between us, I guess she isn't yet. Im going to take the whole summer away from her, no talking and see what happens. After that I'll be in a much better position to move on too if it comes too that.
You Go Girl Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 I did make some mistakes and so did she. We talked about them a few times and things we would do differently. The difference between us is Im ready to try and make it stronger between us, I guess she isn't yet. Im going to take the whole summer away from her, no talking and see what happens. After that I'll be in a much better position to move on too if it comes too that. the whole summer away from her--PERFECT! BTW, love your handle. What a catchy little turn of phrase. Ever thought of creative writing?
Author TheGrimSweeper Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 Oh believe me I am no creative writer haha. Almost been a week since no communication.
EthanH Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 You are in an almost identical situation to the one I am in. I think her situation was pretty difficult, I know many people in her situation. It got to the stage where she felt obliged to spend time with you, even though most of the time it was what she actually wanted. She probably had to turn down invites with her friends. And yet, I still think she wanted to hang with you. But the feeling of missing out on big nights out/going crazy/having a laugh is way more attractive to most people her age (our age also) than doing something which became mundane with you. Not saying you didn't have something great, and she will probably miss it now she doesn't have it, but at the time, she wasn't able to appreciate it. The asking to be friends thing. People on here talk about it as if she has some kind of evil plan. TBH I totally agree with the way you reacted, even though in the end, it might not be the best thing if you want to get back with her. I think from her point of view, at her age, she was scared of cutting off the person she was closest to, she had a feeling she made the right decision, but at the same time, was scared. But don't think she had all the answers, I don't think she did any of this on purpose, she was just acting on her mixed up ideas of what she wants. So I think you did the right thing, but at the same time, I think if you cut yourself off from her completely, you will lose that closeness which being in a relationship in your early years at college (I am right in thinking you are both at college?) is all about. People will sneer on here, say that 'if she wanted to be with you, she would push for it' but every person is different, and I know girls similar to her, who just get cold feet, and it is the fact that they have no idea how to act in this situation which pushes them to stick to their decision. She wants to be true to you. She is being told by all of her friends not to mess you around as it is clear how much you like her. She is trying to do the right thing. I don't really know what to suggest. It is a difficult balancing act between just letting her do her own thing and her thinking that you are over her. Problem is, if she thinks you aren't over her, she will put off her decision about you. If she thinks you are over her, she will sulk and think your claims of really liking her were just a lie. This is the problem I face, and I still have no idea what the answer is. Good luck!
Author TheGrimSweeper Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 Its a horrible situation to be in. Your torn between moving on or not. I've made it very clear how I feels though and she knows I'm sincere. I've also let her know that what happens is mainly up to her not me. You can't just sit and wait and hope you get back together you gotta move on with your life too.
Author TheGrimSweeper Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 So after 2 weeks of NC, except for a couple random messages from her, she texts me asking if she can stop by to return a book next week. I told her she can feel free to keep it if she wants. She insists though then said she wanted to talk if it was ok.
Author TheGrimSweeper Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 Anyway have any idea what that means? She wants to have it next week which is strange to me, if you want to talk and have something to say why not just do it right now. I'm going in with absolutely no expectations.
theplastickid Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 No- it's more a case of her being selfish for wanting to keep you on the line as she figures out her crap. She lost her priviledge of contact when she ended things, plain and simple. Don't respond to her, don't be her friend. That's the right way to go for a number of reasons. I couldn't agree with you anymore!
theplastickid Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I am in a near on identical situation with my ex. I am 22 she is 19 and already been to uni but insistent on going back despite it ****ing our whole relationship up. She says the same things to me as what is being said to you. Its like one big psychological game really they play and you can play it and be a bi**h and get your mind screwed with and hurt constantly over and over again. Or simply chose not to play the game...
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