Urgh!

[LK30]

I've had the best week in terms of feelings since me and my ex split up 3 months ago, but for some reason i'm slipping back into that 'what a mistake, i shouldnt have let her go' feeling again. what is wrong with me!! perhaps it's coz it's the weekend and she's probably out getting off with men tonight which still crosses my mind and makes me feel very jealous even tho i've got no right to be! aarrgh!!

[northstar1]

I know it's tough mate. You feel powerless and then question if you made the right decision. Try not to think about what the ex is up to, you will just create a dozen different painful scenerios in your head of which none may be true. And you can't change what they are doing, so why fight that battle?

 

I know it's also easy to have the "did I make a mistake and let them go?" thoughts in your head, I've had them. You wonder if you'd done something different, or fought harder if they'd still be with you. But it takes two to fight for a relationship.

 

You had mentioned in a prior threat that you were having doubts in the relationship. What were those? could they have been fixed?

 

We have a pattern of romanticizing past relationships, we focus on the good and the memories, and often surpress the imcompatibilities, the arguments, the things that made you question it.

 

All you can do right now is focus on YOU and try not to think about the fact your ex might be moving on. Some people jump into new dating situations or relationships right away as a way to either soothe their pain or gain validation through attention. Those that do that often don't take the time to digest the relationship and things that they need to focus on themselves. And if they don't learn, they are bound to keep in a cycle of dating, finding problems, not working on them, breaking up and on and on. And that's not someone you want as a partner

 

Stay strong, join the gym as planned, go out with friends, stay busy. If for some reason your ex realizes they made a mistake, and want you, they will do anything in their power to find you again. But your life is in your control and dont' wait.

[velouria123]

Completely agree with northstar. By the way northstar, I have read many and many of your posts, and I must say how very insightful you are. I'd buy you a beer if you were within proximity.

 

I do the same bro....I start to think about the ex in the arms of another. Even on the highway I will think I see her car everywhere. The key is just remember that in life there are many things out of your control. To an extent I feel Many of us in here are neurotic and embellish our own negative thoughts.

 

Really I believe our egos are broken, not so much our hearts. It hurts to feel like you don't measure up to someones standard. We probably all reached a point of complacency within our relationships, asking ourselves,"Is this person the right one for me?" I know I did. It's been two months for me and I still struggle. But I realize that my strife is self induced. I create my anguish, anxiety etc. She doesn't. She is just a thought. A chapter that I'd closed.

 

You're making the right moves my friend. The human resolve is amazing and we are all resilient. Tragedy has struck us all at one point in time and we recovered. You will too bro. Keep your head up

[LK30]

Thanks Northstar and Velouria123. I must say I agree with you Velouria - Northstar has a lot of respect around here and it's always helpful when Northstar gives advice. Velouria - your comments are also very insightful. I would buy you guys a drink but I'm in England!

 

Northstar - I think it's always worse on Saturdays as that is usually party night and the night you expect the ex to be out, so that's why I struggle. I'm past the clubbing days, and I rarely drink so i'm not usually in many situations to meet people. I have also been rejected so many times by girls I just can't take any more trying!! Sorry, sounds like a sob story!!

 

The reasons we split up were more my problems. She had self harmed in past and I was doubtful I could handle it if it happened again. More trivially there wasnt much equality when it came to money and I usually paid when we went out or if I cooked dinner indoors. There was another reason but I can't bring myself to explain it on here! I never told her the reasons I really was doubtful about being with her. But other than that she was really nice and I should have been thankful I had found a girl who wanted to be with me. I could kick myself in hindsight!

 

I'm now doing the gym and adamant I MUST change things about me or i'll just go all through the whole meet a girl, start a r'ship, split up routine yet again. Perhaps I just haven't found the right girl, but already I see no signs of new opportunities so I could be single a while!!!

[northstar1]

I hear you on the Saturdays. It can be pretty rough. But one thing I've tried to grasp is that even if the ex is out on the 'town' , it doesn't mean they are necessarily happier or coping well. Some will, after a breakup, throw themselves into partying or going on dates or meeting people as a way to handle a void in their lives. Some cannot be alone, or their self esteem is intricately tied to receiving attention. It doesn't mean they are feeling fulfilled, as some will just keep repeating the same empty pattern over and over.

 

 

Now, for your ex , do you truly believe that you lost someone who would have made a good, solid partner? I know you miss the essence of her, but tell me about the things you had problems with

Edited May 2, 2010 by northstar1

[LK30]

Yes Saturdays are the worst - and mainly because Sat night through to Sun evening was always the period of time we spent together - so it is very empty round here. Fortunately I have stuck with 'no contact' despite temptation, but i'm still unsure if that has helped. I see you point though that she may not be totally happy, but it hasn't been enough to bring her back. In a bitter sort of way I expect she'll be getting loads of attention from blokes as that's the general trend, whereas for guys it always seems more difficult to get that attention, (well for me anyway!)

 

To add to that, to some extent I have spent time going from one r'ship to the next and I am probably not fulfilled, but this time I have held back and taking the time out (even tho meeting someone else always makes u feel better!).

 

Most of our probs might seem trivial - i just began dominating her too much. It always seemed like I was making decisions, that she was too clingy to her mate who I thought was a bad influence on her, it always seemed like i was cooking, and providing meals when she came round (can't remember her ever bringing a bag of shopping round and saying 'i'll cook you a nice meal being as you always do it') - and she earnt more than me so it's not like I needed to support her.

 

On the serious side, the self harm (before I met her) bothered me, altho that's my problem. I just don't think she fitted in with people around me, and my brother even got annoyed as he lives with me and got fed up with providing food for her when she came home. I know she hated being at her own house as her and her mum didnt get on, and i felt a bit used - i.e. my place was just convenient for her. We also had a spat about her Dad. I could go on!!

 

Not sure why I feel worse being without her as it's just not logical having said about all the issues. Apart from that we nearly never argued, and she even wanted me to propose to her (she was 23, i'm 30) so I can't have been that bad!!!

[northstar1]

Weekends can be very hard , no doubt. For the first few after I'd mope around and generally accomplish little. Then on Monday I'd kick myself for having just wallowed the whole time , and not forced myself to get out and keep busy. Going a bike ride/run or meet up with some mates for a pint or lunch or breakfast. something to break up your day. Go look at a bookstore or music or whatever you're into. Hell, even cleaning up your apartment/house, although boring, will help

 

It sounds, and please be aware I'm not trying to diagnose your ex, but that she has some deep rooted issues going on from her past. Maybe this has impacted her ability to truly appreciate and understand what a good relationship is. That it requires both partners to learn about the other, and that there are both ups and downs and compromise. Perhaps it was easier for her to detach and run, rather than try to figure out what was needed to fix it. Perhaps at 23 she hasn't realized what she truly wants out of a relationship.

 

I applaud you for keeping NC. It is very hard a time. I know I've wanted to break it myself. But then I think about that if she truly thinks we made a mistake, she would be at my door looking to talk. The fact she isn't tells me she either doesn't think so, or this is how she copes with relationships. But you can't keep putting yourself out there, because it will erode your own confidence and happiness to reach out and receive little back.

 

You feel worse because your routine was disrupted and you feel lonely. Breakups send the ego into disarray and now you're trying to make sense of it all. It's all normal.

 

A few years ago, i had very bad breakup that I spent 6 months in a rut after. I was convinced I'd made the worst mistake of my life, that I'd never find someone else. I thought that I'd feel terrible for years. But slowly you do begin to move on and the feeling of despair does begin to quiet and you'll get back to being a happy,confident person. And yes, you will meet someone new when you are ready.

[LK30]

Thanks Northstar. Really helpful advice, much appreciated. Your diagnosis sounds pretty good. The ego is no doubt playing its part. I must now get on and take up the counselling as perhaps it is me who has the problem and I am trying to find faults in her to cover mine. After all, when you have had so much rejection it's a sign that perhaps I'm doing something very wrong!!

[northstar1]

Counselling is a good step. we all have things we do in relationships that we arent' aware of that cause strain. And I know that after my last bad breakup, I learned more about myself and what I need to work on

 

You'll get there mate, just remember that

[LK30]

Thanks again Northstar. It's pretty certain I messed up as she never once questioned being with me so clearly she was happy with things, and in the end she must've got tired with me having doubts. All my own fault, so i can only blame myself and hope that i don't go through all this again as I really won't be able to handle it!