jealousmind Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Ive been viewing this forum for a while now and after last nights drama decided its about time i joined and asked for some help. I know theirs alot of similar posts and im sorry girls i know these must get on your nerves. Ive been with my partner for about five months now, shes everything i could want in a girl apart from one thing, her past. About four years ago i worked with her and she cheated on her current partner with me (only kissing) i no it was wrong but i was mad about her and wanted us to happen. She became distant quickly and i soon found out she cheated on him again and slept with one of my colleques soon after. She then moved back abroad with her partner. Four years on i bumped into her on a night out and found out she had been split with her now ex for about a month. we clicked straight away and got together. For the first few months everything was great untill we started asking stupid questions about the past. After a heated conversation i found out i am the 16th person she has slept with (shes 22). My heart sank. I dont think ive ever been in love untill now and ive never felt anything like this. I understand the past is exactly that but when this feeling starts swelling up in my stomache its to late to take controll. I become distant and i cant even look at her somtimes. It makes me feel like i dont even know who she is. I had quite a troubled childhood which might be triggering somthing here aswell. My Dad was abusive to my mam through jealousy and it drove them apart in the end. I would NEVER raise my hand to a woman like he did but im sure ive inhereted these feelings from him. Im left asking myself alot off questions. Are these feelings normal? Have i just picked a girl that isnt right for me? Or is this my problem that i need to fix? The good times with her make up for everything at the minute but I know i will push her away very quickly if i carry on like this. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Im sorry for the essay, i guess it just helps even writting about it. Please dont reply saying "get over it" it just isnt that simple.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Check out the "Haunted by Wife's Past" thread.
Author jealousmind Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 thanks for your reply. I have looked through that topic. After sitting up for far to long last night i fell across somthing called retroactive jealousy. What a huge eye opener this has been to me. I am supprised that people can get so hurt about people with very little sexual past, i thought this would only affect people with expirienced partners. I am now stuck in limbo land. My behaviour matches exactly to that of retroactive jealousy, i am very scared this is my problem. However i am positive i wouldnt even be on this forum had her number been allot lower.I dont even think it would bother me. Its knowing she would give it up so easy thats killing me. Am i retroactive? or do i just need to settle with a girl with allot less past?? If anyone has had a similar expiriance please help me out. This is driving me mad!!!
lkjh Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I hate when people call your reaction jealousy. Its not jealousy its disgust. You know the girl doesn't take sex seriously and she is willing to cheat. That is why you are disgusted
oldguy Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I'd be more cautious about the recent history of cheating.
Ronni_W Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Any concern, doubt, worry or fear about the past can be considered "retroactive", whether one applies that to one's own or another's experiences. If you get caught up in the labels, you miss your opportunity to resolve the real issues. Its knowing she would give it up so easy thats killing me. Just cos it's what you consider to be a "high" number of sexual partners does not necessarily mean that it was mentally, emotionally or spiritually "easy" for her. Many young women engage in sexual activity that actually just leaves them feeling guilty, lonelier, emptier and filled with self-loathing and self-disgust. Their (sexual) behaviour speaks to their own wounded psyches, and their futile attempts to feel or have whatever it is that they are missing. Generally speaking, it's indicative of low self-esteem, not feeling loved and special enough within their family of origin, having been emotionally or physically abandoned by a parent, etc. True, not ALL similarly wounded women (or men) turn to sex...some turn to alcohol or drugs or shopping or gambling as their "coping" mechanism. Not saying that any of this is definitely part of what drove your partner's early sexual behaviour...just that it's okay to keep an open mind and sometimes see if what is actually needed from you falls more under the umbrella of 'understanding and compassion' than 'judgment and rejection'.
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