befreckled Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Lately, I've been on dates with a couple of men who are divorced or separated. In terms of mindset, I realised that I prefer someone who is older, has had life on his own, extremely independent etc and often someone like that would have been married before and quite likely with kids. I went on a date today with someone who has been separated for two years, is a couple months away from finalising the divorce, currently living in another country but will move here in 6 weeks. As first dates go, I *feel* that it went well. We had lots to talk about, some things personal and emotional and when he got back, he sent me a msg to tell me that he had a nice time. At this juncture, it's pointless to organise a second date - he went back to his hotel to pack immediately after our date and his flight back was three hrs later. We spoke online for a little when I got back before his flight had left and he tried to clarify some of the things that we talked about during our date pertaining to him..he wanted to make sure that he conveyed the right impression. I want to let him know that I'm interested but I don't want him to rush the process of healing from his first marriage. What do I do to put that across in the meantime? AND across continents at least until the next six weeks are up.
phineas Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 don't matter how long he has been separated, it's those few weeks of dealing with the divorce BS that will make him one morose mother-trucker. I went through about 2 weeks of being the moodiest person you ever knew while going back & forth over custody with the STBXW. Paper's are signed. I'm not quite dancing a jig. But close. Just tell him you will be interested when he gets back but only if he thinks he will be ready. tell him you are ok moving at his pace because you like him. That is what i'd want to hear from a woman because I am not wanting to jump into a full blown relationship right now.
EasyHeart Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Some divorced men seem to be extremely anxious to jump into a relationship as soon as the ink is dry on their order. How does that work?
phineas Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Some divorced men seem to be extremely anxious to jump into a relationship as soon as the ink is dry on their order. How does that work? That aint me & I really don't know why anyone would do that. I can see dateing but I need time to get to know someone before I decide I want a relationship.
carhill Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 So, OP, how long do you normally go between 'relationships', which I define as regular social and sexual contact with another person? Have you ever been married? Does this man have children? Some divorced men seem to be extremely anxious to jump into a relationship as soon as the ink is dry on their order. How does that work?For me, it's pretty simple. I've been celibate 1 1/2 years and don't care whether stbx lives or dies. She's already moved on, a couple of times. Why in god's name should I have to live like a hermit with a cat because of waiting for a stupid court seal on a piece of paper, then, after that, an appropriate 'mourning' period? I'll be 51 in a week. Life is short. Don't know what age you are, but, at my age, mortality, as in friends, parents, and other loved ones dying, creeps in. I don't *have* to have a relationship, but I think it's healthy to *consider* the possibility. Thanks
Eve Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 For me a lot would depend on the reasons for the separation/divorce. You say that he has been seperated for two years. I would look at how many women he has dated in that time etc. My Hubby and I met one and a half years after his divorce. In this time he went out with two other women but didnt get serious. He really was taking time out to heal. It could be that this is a common feature and the first couple of encounters after a separation/divorce are 'trial runs' to get back into the dating scene.. but then again I am sure that there are relaionships as such that do work out. I would just be myself and if you enjoy his company, share it. But make sure he isnt really jaded from his experience. That of course can take time to sort out but if it effects your relationship I would take that to mean he is not yet ready for something deeper. Hope it works out, or at very least you remain friends. Take care, Eve xx
Author befreckled Posted May 1, 2010 Author Posted May 1, 2010 don't matter how long he has been separated, it's those few weeks of dealing with the divorce BS that will make him one morose mother-trucker. We spoke about it in person and he got slightly emotional. As he should, right otherwise he'd be a robot. He is entitled to his grief so definitely no judgement from my end. I was happy to just be a listening ear. So, OP, how long do you normally go between 'relationships', which I define as regular social and sexual contact with another person? Have you ever been married? Does this man have children? I've been single for four years after being in a series of relationships that lasted a decade total. The last guy I dated casually two months ago was also an older man - 49, three kids from 11 to 19 and it just fizzled out..we both got bored and I realised that 49 was alot different than dating someone in their early forties (You'd think that I'd figure that out before!) Never been married. Engaged for three years at some point in my life and he does have kids. He has two boys and, they will be living with their mother on a different continent in a month's time. Right now, he is back helping them pack, flying to see them settle in and then, he will move to where I am. It's going to be nuts for sure, I don't doubt it one second but, I'm at a loss if I should just be there (would that make me too available?) or slide to the background and not even be there as a friend..waiting for the maelstrom to be still.
Author befreckled Posted May 1, 2010 Author Posted May 1, 2010 For me a lot would depend on the reasons for the separation/divorce. You say that he has been seperated for two years. I would look at how many women he has dated in that time etc. My Hubby and I met one and a half years after his divorce. In this time he went out with two other women but didnt get serious. He really was taking time out to heal. It could be that this is a common feature and the first couple of encounters after a separation/divorce are 'trial runs' to get back into the dating scene.. but then again I am sure that there are relaionships as such that do work out. I would just be myself and if you enjoy his company, share it. But make sure he isnt really jaded from his experience. That of course can take time to sort out but if it effects your relationship I would take that to mean he is not yet ready for something deeper. Hope it works out, or at very least you remain friends. Take care, Eve xx I haven't asked but, I think I'm his first date in two years. As divorces go, they have lived under the same roof albeit being separated. Different bedrooms, different lives, and the kids. The reason is multi-layered, they got married barely out of their teens and i guess they are very different people than the ones who got married which I can understand to a degree. I'm just wondering if I should make myself available in this process or should I just leave him be and if he wishes to tell me how things I going then I listen otherwise, just not communicate.
carhill Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Never been married. Engaged for three years at some point in my life and he does have kids. He has two boys and, they will be living with their mother on a different continent in a month's time. Right now, he is back helping them pack, flying to see them settle in and then, he will move to where I am. It's going to be nuts for sure, I don't doubt it one second but, I'm at a loss if I should just be there (would that make me too available?) or slide to the background and not even be there as a friend..waiting for the maelstrom to be still. Frankly, I'd be worried about looming incompatibilities and I say that as a pretty accepting guy. I also dated enough single mothers during my 20 years of being single to understand the differences in perspective. If I were in your shoes and sensed a 'connection' (unclear if you did or not), I'd make my last contact a positive one, inviting him to contact me once settled, and then see what happens at that point. I probably, at my age anyway, wouldn't do the string-along, rather date currently available, local men. Your example is a real good indicator of the variability of the ending of relationships, both emotionally and logistically. His situation is far more 'complex' than mine, as an example. That doesn't mean simplicity is 'better', but IMO there are fewer potential pitfalls and risks. Up to you how much risk you want to assume. Good luck
Author befreckled Posted May 2, 2010 Author Posted May 2, 2010 Frankly, I'd be worried about looming incompatibilities and I say that as a pretty accepting guy. I also dated enough single mothers during my 20 years of being single to understand the differences in perspective. If I were in your shoes and sensed a 'connection' (unclear if you did or not), I'd make my last contact a positive one, inviting him to contact me once settled, and then see what happens at that point. I probably, at my age anyway, wouldn't do the string-along, rather date currently available, local men. Your example is a real good indicator of the variability of the ending of relationships, both emotionally and logistically. His situation is far more 'complex' than mine, as an example. That doesn't mean simplicity is 'better', but IMO there are fewer potential pitfalls and risks. Up to you how much risk you want to assume. Good luck incompatibilities? over the fact that he has been married and is with kids and i have not experience either? there was a connection for me, he seemed concerned in making sure he put the right impression in place, complimented me after the date. Before the date, I simply just let him contact me first because, he was online alot on his crackberry but not really there. I suppose, that's the safest option. I've let him know that I'm interested without saying the words - he wants to get back into cycling and I am already cycling and would have him along. If he needs someone to talk to, I suppose things should fall into place and we'll communicate.
carhill Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 incompatibilities? over the fact that he has been married and is with kids and i have not experience either? Yep. Best line I ever heard from a single mom as a never married, childless man is 'you'll never understand'. Heck, I heard that same line from my best friend's wife, describing the first ten years of their marriage when she was going through the hell of raising his daughters because he had full custody. There's a lot of 'stuff'. That's why I said 'looming', as in not yet realized, or potential. Positive? No way of knowing. Gotta live it. You have to realize I should be trying to sell dating a separated man, since I am one, so, if I'm having reservations, they come from a place of experience and caution; I've also listened to the sage advice of the ladies here on LS as to how they, as women, perceive a separated and/or newly divorced man. They really make a lot of sense.
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