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Does a girl really need to know that a guy is valued by other girls before dating him

counterman

By counterman
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counterman Established Member

counterman

Posted
Posted (edited)

I always hear the line that girls want a guy that other girls want. Is this always the case?

 

My ex-girlfriend use to say that I should be really happy to have her, since other guys want her. But, the thing is, I didn't care that other guys wanted her.

 

As for herself, she actually encouraged me a few times to flirt with other girls so that she could watch. It was as if I had to prove my value to her. I thought that was really sad.

Edited by counterman
Eeyore79 Established Member

Eeyore79

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Guys aren't so keen on their girl being desired by other men. Thousands of years ago, if a man faced competition for his mate he could end up in a fight, and could even be killed.

 

Girls, on the other hand, love it when other women desire their man. They want the approval of other women to show they have a good catch; if other women are interested it triggers their own jealousy and interest. Research has shown that women rate a photo of a man as more attractive if there's also a woman in the photo smiling at him.

phineas Established Member

phineas

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My friends are taking me out when my divorce is final.

I'm contemplating inviting all the women I know just to see if one of them gets over jealous & decides to come home with me. LOL!

sally4sara Established Member

sally4sara

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I don't think it is as simple as all that.

 

A guy who seems at ease in his skin, responds to social ques, has interests he can add to conversation, and is generally attractive is someone many women just WOULD respond to. I don't need to see/know that others have responded to him to know this - it just stands to reason.

 

Someone awkward and hard to get conversation started with esp if I'm not all that attracted to them, isn't going to be made more attractive if girls suddenly started giving references for him or draping themselves on him in front of me.

phineas Established Member

phineas

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That is because you are stable. :)

aerogurl87 Established Member

aerogurl87

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In short, no.

 

My boyfriend is geeky, shy, and quiet. Girls aren't falling all over themselves to get to him, but I think he is so freaking hot. :love: I'm not in the business of competing for guys, so it works for me I guess. I think more girls who like social validation usually go for the guy who has many girls going after him. But that's not my thing, so I don't care if any other girl wants my guy or not as long as I want him and he wants me.

Rhythmic Established Member

Rhythmic

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http://www.synergy-pr.com/press/MelissaBurkley,PhD/51/800/0

 

 

 

 

Specifically, when researchers described the man as single, 59 percent of single women were interested in pursuing him. However, when they described the exact same man as being in a committed relationship, 90 percent of the single women were interested.

 

Men did not show this preference, and neither did women who were already in a relationship.

 

 

 

In general yes. That is the case.

carhill Established Member

carhill

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OP, I can tell you that the 'competition' from the ladies I met in my travels, and its effect on 'social proof' was verbalized to myself by stbx when we were dating. In general, otherwise, I never have gotten a clear impression of that dynamic. Perhaps it is applicable for *some* women.

 

Conversely, and think about this, have you ever been attracted to a lady who is seemingly devoid of male attention? How did that go? How did the dynamic feel in comparison to 'competing' for the lady whom all the other men were chasing? Did you perceive value or did it seem like shooting fish in a barrel or....?

 

Is this dynamic a point of compatibility for you? Why? To me, when considering a potential partner, it's compatibility that's important, along with the acceptance of each other's 'differences'.

 

Then, tomorrow begins and a whole new set of variables slap you in the face ;)

xpaperxcutx Established Member

xpaperxcutx

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I don't know so much about other girls valuing him but I do know girls would want their girlfriends to approve their boyfriends.

 

Although I can say that most girls would feel proud if another girl comes up to her and tell her that the guy's a catch.

 

(Almost) everyone likes to know that the person they're dating is attractive to other people because it boosts their egos in knowing that they managed to snag the person up.

 

Then there's the theory that everyone wants what others want.

sagetalk Established Member

sagetalk

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In short, no.

 

My boyfriend is geeky, shy, and quiet. Girls aren't falling all over themselves to get to him, but I think he is so freaking hot. :love: I'm not in the business of competing for guys, so it works for me I guess. I think more girls who like social validation usually go for the guy who has many girls going after him. But that's not my thing, so I don't care if any other girl wants my guy or not as long as I want him and he wants me.

 

You are awesome :cool:.

D-Lish Established Member

D-Lish

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Research has shown that women rate a photo of a man as more attractive if there's also a woman in the photo smiling at him.

 

Not on a dating site they don't... Such a pic devalues a man's worth in my eyes.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Pretty much yes. Why do you think that married men are so chased after.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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Not on a dating site they don't... Such a pic devalues a man's worth in my eyes.

 

I concur completely and I wonder where Eeyore got this "research" because it is news to me.

 

I care less if a guy is valued by other women or not; it is more about chemistry and what *I* value that counts to me in a relationship.

Skump Established Member

Skump

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Specifically, when researchers described the man as single, 59 percent of single women were interested in pursuing him. However, when they described the exact same man as being in a committed relationship, 90 percent of the single women were interested.

 

This is perfectly logical from an evolutionary psych perspective: The woman with whom he's involved has already done the work of figuring out whether the bloke is worth pursuing.

 

As a subgroup, presently committed men are superior on average.

D-Lish Established Member

D-Lish

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Pretty much yes. Why do you think that married men are so chased after.

 

 

A man with a ring is not attractive to me at all. I immediately dismiss them. If a man in a relationship tries to pursue something with me, I immediately think he is a douchebag for doing so. All I can think of is that he would disrespect me in the same way and that makes him unworthy.

 

Also, if a guy on a dating site puts up pictures of himself with another woman, I think he has issues with insecurity. Men are misinformed regarding this belief that they can create a buzz about themselves in this contrived manner. It actually makes them appear incredibly insecure.

 

Such a turn off.

Skump Established Member

Skump

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^^^ Yes, but you're analyzing this from a perspective advantaged by reasonable intelligence.

 

Most people are basically talking animals. They do what they feel.

 

It is entirely possible that a tactic as retarded as including a picture of oneself with an attractive male/female really could improve one's perceived value in the eyes of many-to-most members of the opposite sex. This would have to be settled empirically.

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counterman Established Member

counterman

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Thanks for your thoughts!

 

I think maybe it is only some women that care whether their guy is a catch. For me, it is only my compatibility with her that matters. In regards to if other guys were chasing her, I think if it were to raise her value in my eyes, I will be sorely disappointed afterwards, if I do end up with her, because I would have perceived her too highly.

 

In saying that, I am not sure I have been attracted to a girl devoid of male attention. Most likely because I do not know if she receives attention upon first meeting her. I guess that goes back to how it feels for me, my chemistry with her.

 

I do not understand, however, the reason for induced jealousy in sparking attraction. I have noticed that whenever I did hug my girl friends or spoke with them, my ex-girlfriend was incredibly defensive and actually held onto my more closely. Now that I think about it more and more, there was some competition going on or something along those lines because my ex always wanted to be first, and when her girlfriends started getting into relationships, she got really jealous.

fellforher Member

fellforher

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And she is your ex because of that and I am sure other things. The best girls do not care about your status, they care about your heart and what is inside you. They will stick by you and be reasonable about things you described.

 

I have been through all of those things when it comes to picking up girls..etc. I had some exceptionally high status as a result of a high profile job, and getting girls was very easy. They approached me all the time. I personally did not want that type as my GF and wanted someone who liked me for me and not my status. It takes years to find that and many people get hardened and callous and think superficial stuff is all that matters. Folks, do not let that happen to you.

Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

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In my view, it's much better to find a diamond in the rough than a big fish. The former usually has some humility and gratitude for love, and the latter tends to view it more as disposable.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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In my view, it's much better to find a diamond in the rough than a big fish. The former usually has some humility and gratitude for love, and the latter tends to view it more as disposable.

 

The question no matter how humble and grateful the former do they ever really find more attractive than the latter? I speak frome experience when I say that a wedding is like a woman magnet. If I wanted to cheat I could easily.

ascendotum Established Member

ascendotum

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I agree with Skump. D-Lish, I think you are more perceptive (for want of a better word) than many single women.

Its surprised me when I read posts on LS of the number of women that slag off on guys on dating sites having pics of themselves with other women. Sure some of them are insecure, but I sincerely believe more are doing it as a deliberate strategy. There's a number of studies out there that have confirmed the 'social proof' or 'halo effect', and I think women disregard it because it works on a subconcious level.

 

I know I have experienced greater interest from women at bars/clubs when I am there with a girlfriend as opposed to when I was single. It used to perplex me.

I have a mate of a mate who did the goerge constanza test with a wedding ring for a laugh, and reported similar higher levels of interest from single women.

Likewise I was surprised at the number of single women on a casual dating site I was once on, that listed 'single' or 'attached' men as prospective partners.

Likewise I am amazed at how women hit on my good looking married mates when we go out for drinks (wedding ring is on).

Likewise I see it at the places I work as regards women's attitudes to the guys that have been single for anything more than a year. No surprise that these men tend not to be the conventional good looking guys, but from the conversations of the the single women its not hard to tell they have a lower level of respect for them that goes beyond them not being attractive.

Likewise a nerdy guy I used to work with confessed to me how he got his girlfriend though exploiting this effect. He had been single for a number of years, and struck a deal with his sisters friend, that he would set up her computer in exchange for her going out with him for 6 times I think to clubs for just 1 hr to pretend to be a good friend of his and engage in conversations with other girls and then she could go out with her friends. He had a girlfriend as a result within a month. Good on him.

 

I remember at least 8yrs back reading about this survey on what women look for in a partner. I can't remember who sponsored it but it was quite comprehensive and surveyed 10,000 women on all continents. When the results were published..one of the biggest factors that attracted a women to a guy was the level of interest shown by other/younger women in the man. Its not just a white western thing. Not for all women, but for a significant percentage, its a big deal at a subconcious level, and thats why PUA teachings focus on it.

 

Counterman- "My ex-girlfriend use to say that I should be really happy to have her, since other guys want her"

My last girlfriend said the same thing to me. She was also up front about having many sex partners instead of giving me the conventional number of 6-8 which surprised me but I think this was went along the same lines.

Citizen Erased Established Member

Citizen Erased

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Never even comes to mind to be honest. :)

D-Lish Established Member

D-Lish

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I agree with Skump. D-Lish, I think you are more perceptive (for want of a better word) than many single women.

Its surprised me when I read posts on LS of the number of women that slag off on guys on dating sites having pics of themselves with other women. Sure some of them are insecure, but I sincerely believe more are doing it as a deliberate strategy. .

 

I agree it's a deliberate strategy, or a naive perception that it's going to attract more females. Precisely why I personally avoid these guys.

 

It will attract some women. Probably not the kind of women worthy of attracting... I am only speaking personally- that it turns me off. The kind of woman that would be attracted to this won't be a confident, secure, happy woman, that's the bottom line. I leave out intelligence because even smart women lack insight and self worth sometimes.

 

No, you're right- it may work as a magnet for a certain type, I don't disagree. When it comes to meeting men in public, I see a ring and I immediately forget about it.

Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

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The question no matter how humble and grateful the former do they ever really find more attractive than the latter? I speak frome experience when I say that a wedding is like a woman magnet. If I wanted to cheat I could easily.

Most people who want to cheat can do so easily, men and women.

 

I can't speak for all women, just myself. And maybe I'm unusual. But I'm fine with that.

 

Here's one unusual girl who doesn't measure her own value by the social status or popularity of others.

PJKino Established Member

PJKino

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I dont have much sucess with women but the one time i did sleep with an attratcive women who was friends with my friends wife the women in the social group did seem to look at me different..

 

Another weird thing is at a party one of my friends girflriends flrited with me pretended to give me a lap dance etc

 

A few weeks late my friends wife kinda did the same even though it was harmless i think...

 

..None of these girls would ever cheat on their boyfriends/husbands with me im not saying that but its a weird phenomenon with women have where its always a compettion even if the same social circle..

 

Lets face it allot of women are compliment/attention whores and dont liek when others especialyl friends are gettign attnetion and not them..

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