AVR1962 Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 My husband and I have been married 18 years, and drinking issues are nothing new in the marriage. Recently though he has started going on with his buddies after work and not calling me to tell me to say he'll be late or see if I have plans. I normally start dinner so that we have dinner shortly after he gets home. Yesterday I worked several hours in the yard (I work too), took my daughter to an appointment.....you know, all the responsible stuff. I did see my husband earlier in the day and had asked him to contact a friend about dinner that night. He was past the time I would normally expect him so I called to find out that he was drinking with his buddies. This is the 3rd time this has happened in a very short time. I told him the first time he did this that I felt he was being very inconsiderate my not calling, I would never do this to him. He got defensive, like he has this right. I told him that I am not wanting him to ask permission, that I simply woudl like some respect shown for me and to let me know what his plans are just like I would do for him. Is this too much to ask? I now getting the cold shoulder and he won't talk to me which is typical of my husband. Any suggestions?
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Your husband is running away from something in your marriage, and running toward something outside of it. You will need to find out why he needs that escape, and what is on the outside pulling him away. I'm not suggesting anything nefarious that might be going on - only that 'drinking with buddies' has become an escape for him, something that he feels the need to defend at your expense. I hate to suggest it, but does "drinking with buddies" include a woman as part of those "buddies"? It is terrible to contemplate, but something that should never be discounted out of hand. Unless you know 100% who these buddies are, where these guys are, and his time is 100% accounted for (including phone, texting and email) you never really know. The greater the pull from the outside, the more vehement the spouse will become at defending it against his spouse. When an OP is involved, they tend to get really nasty, defensive and angry at the idea of their 'playtime/fantasyland' being threatened. Has anything changed in your marriage recently? Is your sex life lackluster? What do you guys do for fun together? What do you do with your time when you are alone together? Has he been having work problems? Just throwing some things out that might throw up some possible ideas of things that he might be feeling pressure from and a need to 'escape'.
lexhappy Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 I've had the same problem for years. My husband saw it as me trying to control him when I wanted him to call and let me know he would be late. After many talks, he now calls, most of the time. I don't really know the answer, because it took me years to get to this point. I just decided to pretend like he wasn't coming home every night. Supper would be ready at 6:30, if he wasn't here I would eat if I wanted.
Author AVR1962 Posted May 1, 2010 Author Posted May 1, 2010 I can understand both replies in that my husband has had quite an issue with drinking that he knows I don't agree with or like. Beyond the years of dealing with this what it boils down to in this case is respect.
Iconoclast Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Actually, it boils down to the drinking. He's either an alcoholic or problem drinker, and your relationship will not improve until the drinking diminishes or ends. Like LucreziaBorgia, i'd also want to confirm that his "buddies" are males, just to rule that out.
carhill Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Since he's been a drinker and has been transparent during your marriage, something has changed. You asserted your boundary; IMO, a very reasonable one, disclosure of his plans, as has been customary. What will you do to enforce your boundary? Try this: The next time he 'doesn't' call, call him and advise him that you'll be spending the evening out with a girlfriend and will see him when he gets home. Matter of fact, without 'tone'. 'Hey hon, I'm heading out with xxxx and should be home by xxxx. I wanted you to know where I was in case you got home and I wasn't there. Since you didn't call me like I had asked, I figured I'd better call you.'. This shows an example of your boundary (transparency) and that you're not waiting around for him. This can go two ways; either it can descend into whoever cares the least, or it can impel some communication. Any other changes? More drinking than usual? Unusual behaviors or arguments? What do you want? Be clear about that, both in your words and actions.
Author AVR1962 Posted May 2, 2010 Author Posted May 2, 2010 After a couple hours of his pouting silence I went to him and asked him if he saw nothing wrong with what he did by not calling, he said he didn't think about it. Long history of a drinking problem so I know every excuse under the sun with him, he has been counseled but still an issue. I told him I would not think of doing this to him, a friend, or anyone that was counting on me and that what I saw from him was very selfish and inconsiderate. He did apologize and said he was thinking of himself and not of me which is typical. I told him if he didn't get this message this time, he can expect something more drastic if it happens again as I was going to get his attention somehow. I also told him I was not his housekeeper or miad and he needed to treat me with more respect. Once that was all said the rest of the day went fine.
giotto Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 After a couple hours of his pouting silence I went to him and asked him if he saw nothing wrong with what he did by not calling, he said he didn't think about it. Long history of a drinking problem so I know every excuse under the sun with him, he has been counseled but still an issue. I told him I would not think of doing this to him, a friend, or anyone that was counting on me and that what I saw from him was very selfish and inconsiderate. He did apologize and said he was thinking of himself and not of me which is typical. I told him if he didn't get this message this time, he can expect something more drastic if it happens again as I was going to get his attention somehow. I also told him I was not his housekeeper or miad and he needed to treat me with more respect. Once that was all said the rest of the day went fine. But he will do it again... he'll decide to go drinking, meaning to ring you, and then he will start drinking and he will forget everything else... the drink is the most important thing...
SarahRose Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 After a couple hours of his pouting silence I went to him and asked him if he saw nothing wrong with what he did by not calling, he said he didn't think about it. Long history of a drinking problem so I know every excuse under the sun with him, he has been counseled but still an issue. I told him I would not think of doing this to him, a friend, or anyone that was counting on me and that what I saw from him was very selfish and inconsiderate. He did apologize and said he was thinking of himself and not of me which is typical. I told him if he didn't get this message this time, he can expect something more drastic if it happens again as I was going to get his attention somehow. I also told him I was not his housekeeper or miad and he needed to treat me with more respect. Once that was all said the rest of the day went fine. Do it to him. He does it again. Forget about dinner and whatever and just leave and not come back to the next day. Men think of talk as blah blah blah something to tune out and go right back to what they want to do. They do respond to action.
Lizzie60 Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 I completely agree with Sarah.. sometimes the best medicine is their own ... He can change his habits .. so why can't YOU change yours???
You Go Girl Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Drinkers don't respect other's boundaries. Every single problem drinker out there is the same that way. The live in a haze. If it happens again just stop making dinner for two, and make dinner for only one. Say that you don't want to waste food and energy on making dinner for a person who won't show up. Maybe the way to a man's head is through his stomach......if he gets frustrated that he's hungry and there's nothing good to eat or just warm up.... drinkers get hungry and want food now without having to expend any energy once they're sloshed.
Iconoclast Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 I told him if he didn't get this message this time, he can expect something more drastic if it happens again as I was going to get his attention somehow. Threats. They'll mean nothing after a few drinks. It's not a man thing. It's an alcoholic thing. I'm an alcoholic (recovered). I know.
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