What is happening?

[dtmpct]

My girlfriend and I were together for the past three years. In perspective, I can now see that it was a very dysfunctional relationship. She was insanely jealous, treated me quite poorly, and cheated on me multiple times. I was in love though, and I tried my hardest to forgive many of these things. In the end, she was the one who broke up with me -- on Valentine's Day...Her reasoning was that she wanted to be on her own.

 

I was extraordinarily hurt for a while, and after a couple weeks of unsuccessfully trying to get her back, I began trying to move on with my life. She cheated on me once (that I am positive about) physically, and several times emotionally while we were together. Unfortunately, one of the emotional "affairs" she had was with one of my fairly close friends. About a month after we broke up, I had the unfortunate luck of seeing her making out with this "friend" of mine. I was hurt, but not terribly surprised, and her insensitivity made it easier for me to continue to get over her. She began sending me emails asking if we could stay friends, get together and try to be on good terms, etc. I responded by telling her what I had seen, and that she didn't deserve my friendship (My reasoning behind this is not just because I saw her with my "friend" but also because the perspective I got from no longer being with her made me see how horrible she had been to me). I went completely NC. Periodically she would email me asking if we could be friends/get together, etc...and I would ignore them. I would ignore her if I saw her. No contact whatsoever.

 

I was offered a job in another city which I accepted, and will be moving in a couple months. She found out that I was leaving, and began begging me via email to talk to her and to get on good terms and be friends before we left. Again, I ignored her. Her emails began to become very harsh, and I finally emailed her back saying that I thought I made myself clear that I didn't want to be friends, and that I would appreciate it if she stopped contacting me. She responded with an email attacking me -- telling me I am a horrible person, insulting me, etc...for pages and pages. I ignored this. She approached me in person, and began screaming at me, calling me an a**hole, and a d***. I walked away without saying anything. She started texting me, calling me names, telling me I needed to grow up. She began spreading rumors about me and one of my female friends which are not true.

 

I'm simply baffled. Obviously, seeing this side of her has made it VERY easy to get past her...but I'm confused. Does anyone have any idea why she might be reacting like this? It seems to me that if either of us were to act this way, it should be ME, not her....

[Chochobong]

She is a selfish ***ch trying to get you to boost her ego and absolve her of her guilt. You are doing nothing wrong and everything right here. Continue to ignore her and do not stoop to her level.

 

Let her self-destruct. You keep on being the bigger person. I would get a restraining order if she threatens bodily harm to you, but then again you are leaving town soon......lucky you ;-)

Edited May 1, 2010 by Chochobong

[jerrytodd]

Hi and wow, that is a crazy lady. You are doing really well under the circumstances.

 

Look up narcissistic personality disorder - that may help you to understand. It helped me tons.

[dtmpct]

Thanks for your replies. Does anyone have any other ideas? I am trying my hardest to not stoop to her level, but it's really tough to just let someone treat me badly...

[dtmpct]

I'd really appreciate any comments that anyone might have about this....

 

Anyone?

[jerrytodd]

I think you are trying so hard to make sense of something that, given that your ex appears to have a personality disorder of a serious nature, may not be explainable.

 

Yes she wants you to love her back but she doesnt want to be with you. And yes it is selfish and contradictory. My ex is acting very aloof and hurt and has still wanted to hurt me because I am NC. She doesnt understand why I am not wanting to tell her how nice her hair looks and asking her how her weekend went.

 

If you put it into the context of a slightly crazed selfish person, who certainly isnt the person you once loved, does that help? When the love bond breaks you really need to take a rational step back and evaluate the person honestly, as you appear to have in the first part of your post.

[dtmpct]

I guess it's just tough having to realize that someone that I thought I knew so well isn't the person I thought they were AT ALL.....how do I go about dealing with that? I am doing alright with NC and trying to move on with my life, but how to I look back at the past three years of my life without feeling like it was all fake?

[jerrytodd]

I guess it's just tough having to realize that someone that I thought I knew so well isn't the person I thought they were AT ALL.....how do I go about dealing with that? I am doing alright with NC and trying to move on with my life, but how to I look back at the past three years of my life without feeling like it was all fake?

 

Dont really have an answer but I think you can look at her passionate reaction recently and say - there are feelings there. Maybe not positive or healthy. They were likely real loving feelings in the past but for unstable people there are matching unstable feelings. Up and down, yes and no. And there are few or no shades of gray.

 

My situation is the opposite. Three years, a break up that says I dont love you anymore and in the contact since, not an ounce of remorse, just a little crazy behaviour. If I look to feelings, I only have that.

 

It is the TRUST issue that is tough. Could someone have lied that long and I accepted it and believed in it? That's why love is tough, we rarely think straight while in it.

[Yamaha]

You have the power now and she wants it back.

 

When you back away from someone and begin to see them for what they are many times you just can't believe this is the person you loved. Just be happy you didn't end up with her.