Relationship with separated MM:How long is long enough?

[meemee]

My bf was married when I fell for him & him for me. He told me even before this happened that he was headed for divorce and had only stayed in M for the past several years for the sake of their children. When romantic feelings developed I told him I would not be the OW. That if he wanted to divorce, he should do that because there was no hope for M and not for me. I even told him that I would go on with my life and he should not count on me being there for him if he finally divorced, but that for his own sake he should no longer live a lie if after some soul searching he found that to be the case.

3 months into this time he was still in the marital home and I found myself comparing every man I met to him. I finally broke down and contacted him, telling him that if he was still miserable and only staying for the children and thought there was no hope for us, he was wrong. I still feel terrible guilt about this, but I told him that if he did leave, I loved him and wanted a future with him.

He felt the same and 2 months later he left his wife and was in his own place. He has given me every reason to believe that he is moving forward and committed to me. They have filed for divorce, there is a custody agreement in place, she knows about me (after snooping through his emails) and I have been intoduced as his gf to his dearest friends.

Inspite of all of this, he is 7 months separated and still very cautious about acknowledging our relationship to acquaintances that are friendly with his soon to be ex. He is in a respected position locally and to a certain extent I understand wanting to guard his reputation and I give him the benefit of the doubt that he would also like to spare me the speculation and gossip that I was the evil jezebel that did this to his equally admired wife. But tonight it stings.

I overheard him in a phone call beginning to make reference to a special day we had shared together and then back peddling to hide the fact that he was not only dating, but in love. I think in his mind, he'd prefer that the divorce be final before he's open about us with professional associates and casual acquaitances. Like I said, it stings. If I had a friend that was separated and moving forward with a divorce, I would not think poorly of them if they fell in love and were happy. Am I an aberration? Is that offensive? Am I just being overly sensitive about this?

[jthorne]

I am sure he doesn't want people putting two and two together and thinking you had an affair during the marriage (whether this is correct or not). I'm sure he wants people to see you, him and his STBX in a positive light. And I imagine he wants to be respectful to his STBX and her friends.

 

I'd give him a little more time. I don't think he's doing it because he's embarrased or anything negative towards you. I think just the opposite. I think he doesn't want people getting the wrong idea, and thinking negatively of you (or him).

[califnan]

Meemee,

 

My husband told me that he didn't want to married anymore - then he moved out.

 

I went to our sons' ballgame and he and she were there in lawnchairs near the outfield. I sat in the bleachers and cried through the whole ballgame. People who we had gone through little league with for years - must have thought that I was crazy.

 

Years later I found out from his secretary that she insisted on going to our sons ballgames at that stage (to declare her territory?) ..

 

You don't want to be that woman. Let it be, for now.

[meemee]

Thank you both SO much. You're right. I don't want to be that woman and that's why I vented here instead of hitting him with an ultamatim. I guess this is just a very uncomfortable place to be, but that's the price of admission in his life right now and I don't wish to be anywhere else. There's no one else that I know that could relate to this and I'm used to relationships where you can sing it from the rooftops and everyone tells you how happy they are that you're happy. Those close to us tell us that they wish we had started off under different circumstances but support us now, which I completely understand because he and I both feel the same, but I will bite my tongue and be happy for our baby steps forward to better days.

 

I'm editing here because after I posted, it struck me Califnan how insensitive it was to your pain and what you've lived through. Thank you for your reply and I am so sorry that you had to endure that, in front of your children no less. I'm sure you deserved better and I hope you are in a much better place now.

Edited May 1, 2010 by meemee
I sounded like an insensitive twerp!

[BB07]

Hi meemee,

I can understand exactly where you are coming from as I'm in a somewhat similar situation and you needed to vent and hey that's OK:D:D

 

It sounds like your guy is doing things in a timely fashion and it is a process for sure and both of you have to have time to adjust to the changes. Sometimes it would be nice if we lived in a bubble, but big changes affect a lot of different people and it's OK to ease into it.

 

Good luck!

 

 

 

 

My bf was married when I fell for him & him for me. He told me even before this happened that he was headed for divorce and had only stayed in M for the past several years for the sake of their children. When romantic feelings developed I told him I would not be the OW. That if he wanted to divorce, he should do that because there was no hope for M and not for me. I even told him that I would go on with my life and he should not count on me being there for him if he finally divorced, but that for his own sake he should no longer live a lie if after some soul searching he found that to be the case.

3 months into this time he was still in the marital home and I found myself comparing every man I met to him. I finally broke down and contacted him, telling him that if he was still miserable and only staying for the children and thought there was no hope for us, he was wrong. I still feel terrible guilt about this, but I told him that if he did leave, I loved him and wanted a future with him.

He felt the same and 2 months later he left his wife and was in his own place. He has given me every reason to believe that he is moving forward and committed to me. They have filed for divorce, there is a custody agreement in place, she knows about me (after snooping through his emails) and I have been intoduced as his gf to his dearest friends.

Inspite of all of this, he is 7 months separated and still very cautious about acknowledging our relationship to acquaintances that are friendly with his soon to be ex. He is in a respected position locally and to a certain extent I understand wanting to guard his reputation and I give him the benefit of the doubt that he would also like to spare me the speculation and gossip that I was the evil jezebel that did this to his equally admired wife. But tonight it stings.

I overheard him in a phone call beginning to make reference to a special day we had shared together and then back peddling to hide the fact that he was not only dating, but in love. I think in his mind, he'd prefer that the divorce be final before he's open about us with professional associates and casual acquaitances. Like I said, it stings. If I had a friend that was separated and moving forward with a divorce, I would not think poorly of them if they fell in love and were happy. Am I an aberration? Is that offensive? Am I just being overly sensitive about this?

[MizzBlue72]

I agree. Baby steps for while. He needs to really truly be free.

I''m in a similar situation. The STBDMM I am dating. We are keeping everything casual. He needs to really understand who he is. He needs to figure out him, and what he wants. He really hurts, and I get this. He also needs to keep me separate. I know how you feel, and I too - I don't want to be that woman. Thank you for posting this. I really needed to read this today.

[jwi71]

My bf was married when I fell for him & him for me. He told me even before this happened that he was headed for divorce and had only stayed in M for the past several years for the sake of their children. When romantic feelings developed I told him I would not be the OW. That if he wanted to divorce, he should do that because there was no hope for M and not for me. I even told him that I would go on with my life and he should not count on me being there for him if he finally divorced, but that for his own sake he should no longer live a lie if after some soul searching he found that to be the case.

3 months into this time he was still in the marital home and I found myself comparing every man I met to him. I finally broke down and contacted him, telling him that if he was still miserable and only staying for the children and thought there was no hope for us, he was wrong. I still feel terrible guilt about this, but I told him that if he did leave, I loved him and wanted a future with him.

He felt the same and 2 months later he left his wife and was in his own place. He has given me every reason to believe that he is moving forward and committed to me.

 

Well, I hate to say this but you got exactly what you said you didn't want.

You told him he should leave because its what he wanted. He agreed. And did nothing for 3 months. Then, after you returned and said you would be there for him, he did.

 

Its called a soft landing...and its not good.

 

They have filed for divorce, there is a custody agreement in place, she knows about me (after snooping through his emails) and I have been intoduced as his gf to his dearest friends.

Inspite of all of this, he is 7 months separated and still very cautious about acknowledging our relationship to acquaintances that are friendly with his soon to be ex.

Another "not good" sign.

He's still connected to her and emotionally he isn't done.

Lets face it, he is valuing their now dead M over your R - and he does it by being cautious around his stbxw.

I overheard him in a phone call beginning to make reference to a special day we had shared together and then back peddling to hide the fact that he was not only dating, but in love. I think in his mind, he'd prefer that the divorce be final before he's open about us with professional associates and casual acquaitances.

This makes no sense. Earlier you said he WAS introducing you as his gf.

Now he isn't? Why would he introduce you to his best friends as a gf but a casual acquaintance as...well, not. So his behavior doesn't fit the facts... seems backwards to me.

Besides, if the stbxw knows you can imagine what she's saying (nothing good I promise).

 

Like I said, it stings. If I had a friend that was separated and moving forward with a divorce, I would not think poorly of them if they fell in love and were happy.

And if you found out they were AP's and he left his W and children for the OW? Huge difference in what you say above and what you two did. Radically changes opinion doesn't it? I'm not attacking you - just pointing out you have a vested interest in creating a socially acceptable comparison. And not what happened. Apples to oranges type of thing.

 

Personally, you need to step back. Too many inconsistencies in his behavior that, to me, say he's not done emotionally with his M yet.

 

Tread carefully.

[meemee]

And if you found out they were AP's and he left his W and children for the OW? Huge difference in what you say above and what you two did. Radically changes opinion doesn't it?

 

That's a good question. His friends that we socialize with are some of his nearest and dearest, because they're the ones that he's confided in over the years about how awful the marriage was. He is in individual counseling now and realizes it was an emotionally abusive relationship, something which I think is even harder for a man to admit in our society. Back to your question, I think if I was aware that I had a friend in that position I would be supportive of their leaving and yes, I would be happy for them, but I would also, like you, warn them to be careful.

 

 

I haven't given all of the particulars here on LS because I'm trying to protect his anonymity and we're both very private people. Perhaps my initial post was a little confusing, but he's been emotionally done with his STBX for a very long time. Sometimes when he wants my feedback on how to handle some aspect of the custody or divorce agreement he shares the e-mails that he and the ex send back and forth and it's clear to me that she is as committed to a divorce as he is.

 

 

I should say too that when we're out in public he's very openly affectionate and it's clear we're a couple. Perhaps he avoids being completely out in the open with certain business associates or casual friends that new his ex because he doesn't want to be insensitive to her and on a very human level, just doesn't feel like dealing with their judgements.

 

 

This is kind of the curse of this limbo. If we rush it, we're selfish jerks and if we take baby steps, we're not really committed to this new relationship. Ultimately I just have to say to myself I know this man. I love this man. I may not be crazy about all his choices or mine, but we're both human and we try to be better people and do better every day.

[Got it]

MeeMee - I am in a similar situation. My sMM is separated about 6 months and there is still a lot of unraveling. We were together for over a year prior to his separation.

 

I have been pretty open on my end about our relationship, definitely at this point since he is seperated. My family has met him, I have met his family except his kids. And his wife does know about me (which has been fun).

 

I love your last line and DEFINITELY see the damned if you do damned if you don't dynamic. (((meemee)))

[howcouldInotknow]

from my personal experience separated men be very careful. Especially so soon after separation 6 or 7 months is usually not enough time for someone who has been married to truly get over the marriage and be ready to move on especially when kids are involved. My situation was different. He had been separated for over a year when we met and no kids and there were still major issues with his marriage and the impending divorce. Everyone is different and can deal with different things so this is just my two cents.

[meemee]

from my personal experience separated men be very careful. Especially so soon after separation 6 or 7 months is usually not enough time for someone who has been married to truly get over the marriage and be ready to move on especially when kids are involved. My situation was different. He had been separated for over a year when we met and no kids and there were still major issues with his marriage and the impending divorce. Everyone is different and can deal with different things so this is just my two cents.

 

 

For better or for worse (no pun intended) inspite of his devotion, I do have that thought in the back of my mind. I'm divorced myself and know what an emotional roller coaster that first year can be. I love him and he has never played games with me or pulled away during painful bouts, so that gives me hope, but knowing my own experience I could never fault him if he decided I was just rebound girl. It would break my heart, but I know that this is the chance I've chosen to take and I would never blame him. Yes, he and I have had this conversation. In fact after he was separated I told him I would understand if he needed to truly be single for awhile and date other people, but he chose to be with me exclusively. That gave me hope, but I still brace myself for the worst and hope for the best.

[MizzBlue72]

It's good that you are preparing for all outcomes.

Funny thing you said. You offered for him to date others. I did the same.

I really wonder sometimes if we could go through with it.

[HappyAgain]

Just to add my 2-bits: My xH got into a new R (the real love of his life) a couple of months after I kicked him out after 19 years (not to worry, his heart wasn't broken as he didn't love me anyways.) However, 2 years later, as far as I know he still hasn't divorced me.

 

I begged at the beginning for the divorce, I wanted no money, no property, nothing except the paper saying that we were no longer married so I could get rid of his last name. I filed the papers, paid the fees but he stalled and stalled until he knew for sure that he had someone new. By that time, I didn't care anymore and had moved on with my life.

 

He left me a voicemail last May on what would have been our anniversary that he would complete the divorce last July - he never did. I haven't checked with the courts recently but I doubt we are divorced yet. All in all, when I am finally home long enough I'll have to refile and get my divorce. So much for his love for the new woman - spiting me is still more important and yet I'm the one who had always been faithful, honest, and supportive of him while he had cheated numerous times. In each of his affairs he had told the OW that he didn't love me and that she was more important. Yet it took me kicking him out to finally get him to leave me.

[jj33]

Mee you are a better woman than I. If he had left and wanted to date others, I would have slammed the door and never looked back. If he doesnt know that you are the best thing to ever happen to him by now, he never will. Dont put yourself in a place where you get to "wait and see" yet again.

[MizzBlue72]

Mee you are a better woman than I. If he had left and wanted to date others, I would have slammed the door and never looked back. If he doesnt know that you are the best thing to ever happen to him by now, he never will. Dont put yourself in a place where you get to "wait and see" yet again.

 

That is GREAT advice!! I hate the 'wait and see' .....

[GreenEyedLady]

You know, it is what it is.

 

I'd be damned if I went through everything I went through to be declared a casual acquaintance.

 

No, we were out. If people didn't like it and talked, we sure didn't care. We moved right in together. And married nine months later.

 

If you really care what other people think, how did you even get into this situation?

 

My H loved me and would NEVER downplay my position in his life. I find it very sad that yours did the opposite.

 

And date other people?! Why are you even staying with someone who would even THINK they want to date someone else?! Hasn't he had more than one for sometime now?

 

Respect yourself. You felt stung because you were. And it'll continue to happen because you allow yourself to be treated as if you are still second best.

 

When a man loves a woman, EVERYONE knows it.

 

And I am THAT woman.

 

GEL

[jthorne]

When a man loves a woman, EVERYONE knows it.

I agree with this, but I also think there is a difference between letting everyone know you're his true love and being respectful to his ex-wife's friends.

 

If he's only doing this downplaying with ex-W's friends, I'd be okay with it for a while. But if it is happening with everyone in his life, that'd be a big problem.

[JMC]

I wouldn't wish to be back in that position for any amount of money...here it is almost 3 years later and I am still scarred from my affair with a MM who promised me the sun and moon, and then when he felt like it, dumped me. I wouldn't with that situation on ANYone.....talk about impossible, talk about horrendous pain that no one deserves.

[GreenEyedLady]

I agree with this, but I also think there is a difference between letting everyone know you're his true love and being respectful to his ex-wife's friends.

 

If he's only doing this downplaying with ex-W's friends, I'd be okay with it for a while. But if it is happening with everyone in his life, that'd be a big problem.

 

You know, why should he be more respectful of his Xwife's friends than me? He's with ME, not his Xwife's friends.

 

I'm sorry, I don't prescribe to the "I should be lucky he left his W for me." He's lucky I stuck it out with him.

 

OW, listen to what I'm saying. I really think there's a reason I'm with my H. And it's because I didn't go along with what he wanted in his time frame and I didn't follow anyone else's rules or let anyone else tell me how I should act or feel. I demanded respect. And so should everyone else in their R.

 

GEL

[jthorne]

You know, why should he be more respectful of his Xwife's friends than me? He's with ME, not his Xwife's friends.

 

I'm sorry, I don't prescribe to the "I should be lucky he left his W for me." He's lucky I stuck it out with him.

 

OW, listen to what I'm saying. I really think there's a reason I'm with my H. And it's because I didn't go along with what he wanted in his time frame and I didn't follow anyone else's rules or let anyone else tell me how I should act or feel. I demanded respect. And so should everyone else in their R.

 

GEL

Excellent points.

[Mimolicious]

He probably doesn't want to stir things up. He wont be looking very sweet in court if he flauts that he's been having an A. Count your blessings...

[GreenEyedLady]

He probably doesn't want to stir things up. He wont be looking very sweet in court if he flauts that he's been having an A. Count your blessings...

 

Aww more scare tactics...

 

The fact of the matter is that if you're in a no-fault state, the court doesn't CARE.

 

I guess that's the part that really pisses the betrayed off...

 

GEL

[fooled once]

Agree with GEL.

 

To prove adultery is extremely hard and ultimately, what will proving that do? What does the person hope to gain by that? Alimony? That has nothing to do with cheating/adultery.

 

The only one I can see him trying to be respectful of is his kids and NOT shoving a new girlfriend in the face of the kids.

[BB07]

Agree with GEL.

 

To prove adultery is extremely hard and ultimately, what will proving that do? What does the person hope to gain by that? Alimony? That has nothing to do with cheating/adultery.

 

The only one I can see him trying to be respectful of is his kids and NOT shoving a new girlfriend in the face of the kids.

 

 

Even in a no fault divorce, proving adultery can give the betrayed spouse an advantage if they are entitled to alimony in one of the states that have those laws in place. By law the judge can take the adultery into consideration, but of course as you said, adultery is very hard to actually prove.

[MizzBlue72]

GEG: FANTASTIC response!!!! I think we need to stand up and demand more - not less.

 

I'm changing my stance. I think that dating a separated man - early on - is a really really bad idea.