thesinisterjoke Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 This guy and I have been close friends for over a year now, and until about two months ago, there was never anything romantic about our relationship at all. We just hung out a lot and talked, but for the majority of the time we've been friends, we've both been in pretty serious relationships with other people. We ended up becoming single roughly around the same time, but things didn't change until awhile later. Our relationships both ended for reasons neither of us were particularly torn up about, and it wasn't very long before he started talking about being interested in someone new. She and I used to be friends, now we're just acquaintances, and I think overall she's a great person. The problem, though, is that she has a tendency to mess with guys' heads. My friend knows this too - she's played around with more than a few of his close male friends so he's well aware of her tricks, and yet he somehow still fell for her. When he first told me, I was concerned only because of this, but things started to change. One day I was watching them flirt, and a completely new feeling hit me: jealousy. I know it well, so I recognized it right away, but my brain immediately went into denial. It took a few days for me to process what this might mean. I went through my daily routine but suddenly began to notice how the routine had changed. I was spending way more time watching him from across the room than I ever did before, and I found myself smiling at the mere thought of him when he wasn't around me. Our hugs started to feel differently to me, but I couldn't tell if he noticed anything at all. Then something else happened. He told me he had feelings for another girl. Jealousy hit me again, even stronger this time. Two girls?! I was fairly certain nothing would ever happen between us now, but as he continued to talk about this "mystery girl," I realized he was talking about me. He wasn't being completely obvious, but I knew him well enough to figure it out. I freaked out internally, but kept calm on the outside and gave it time before I decided to tell him I knew I was that girl. "Yeah, it's you," he said when I confronted him about it. "I knew you'd figure it out. But the question is, how do you feel about me?" I wanted to spill my heart out right then, but I held back. "I like you too," I said. "But I know you like her, probably more than you like me - romantically, that is. And we're best friends...I don't want anything to mess that up." So we agreed we'd just stay friends, and at the time I thought I was okay with that. I could handle the jealousy, and I just felt like the other girl was more right for him. But pretty quickly, I figured out that the jealous feeling was just growing stronger, and I noticed that things weren't progressing between the two of them at all. He seemed confused and kept telling me he had no idea what was going on, no idea what he wanted, etc... He came over one day just to hang out like we always did back before things got complicated. Everything was normal, everything was going just fine, until he said he had to leave. We were sitting side by side on my couch, and he held out his arms to give me a hug goodbye. As I leaned closer to join him, he grabbed my gently and pulled me against him. He started running his hands up and down my back in a way that was much more than just friendly, and before I could get a hold of myself, my lips were on his. It was just a quick kiss, but it shocked both of us. As he was walking out to his car, he was sort of swaying like he was disoriented or something. We talked about it later and he said he couldn't stop replaying it in his mind. He didn't seem to regret it happening at all, and I certainly didn't, so I thought that maybe it really meant something. But after awhile, he just kinda went back to acting like we were just friends, so I went along with it because I didn't want to overwhelm him. I knew he stilled liked the other girl too and I admitted to myself that a kiss doesn't magically change everything. Then a couple weeks later, he invited me over to his house - just to hang out again. We'd hung out a few times in between then and the time we kissed, but nothing had really happened because we were never alone. I knew we'd be alone at his house, though, so I was wondering if he was planning something. After awhile though, I realized he wasn't. He just wanted to hang out watching TV and talking like always. But we were sitting very close to each other, and eventually our hands ended up touching, and I leaned my head against his shoulder. Then - and I still can't figure out how it happened - I somehow ended up on his lap and we started kissing. When I pulled away slightly, trying to look at him to see if he really wanted to be doing this, he kissed me again. When we stopped, he looked over my head at the clock on the wall and said I should probably "get going" because his brother would be home soon and he didn't want him to "annoy me." Confused, I gave him a quick hug and left. So that brings us to where we are now. He said he'd been hesitant for us to kiss because he feels like he's leading me on by kissing me when we don't have any plan as to where our relationship is headed. I understand what he's saying and I appreciate that he doesn't want to hurt me, but it pisses me off. I hate feeling like I'm the only one who is vulnerable in this situation. He seems to think I'm so fragile and that I can't handle this, but I think I've been doing a good job so far. I've let him pretend we're just friends without a fuss and I've even told him numerous times that I am fine with us not dating, just to get him to stop worrying that he's upsetting me. I know he respects me and loves me as a friend, but I'm really starting to feel like I'm just his second choice and he's trying to keep me around in case girl number one finally makes up her mind as to how she feels about him (because no one seems to know right now). In my opinion, friendships like ours should never come to this. I'm trying to decide if I want to let things go on the way they are, with me trying to just be his friend and him treating me like more than a friend when he feels like it, or if maybe the best thing for me to do is tell him that I need to distance myself from him for awhile. I can't deny that the idea of having a relationship with him isn't appealing to me, but I don't want to be with him if I'm not his first choice - that would only end badly and probably make it impossible for us to ever be friends again. I know this has been a very very long and probably confusing story, but I just need some advice from someone who isn't involved in the situation at all. My friends have been trying to help, but they find the situation overwhelming and seem to have given up on trying to figure it out. Anything - comments, advice, similar stories - would be much appreciated.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Girl, good for you for realizing that you're better than second best. The thing you can do now is distance yourself from him so you can stop being so infatuated with him. You are right that he's pulling your strings because it's really selfish of him to have feelings for that other girl yet still confessed his feelings for you. Add to the fact that he's not at all certain about who he wants to be with, I can already say that it's time for you to walk. Prove me wrong if I think the only reason you like him is because you're single and he's single. After all, before you were with your ex you would never have thought you'd have feelings for him. Whatever the reasons are, know your worth above all else and know how you want to be treated. If a friend did that to me, I would not consider them a friend.
BentSpine Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 You feel hurt that he turns his attention to a responsive woman when you act like a cold fish.
karma84 Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Umm.... HELLO - read over your dialogue. I don't think he's in the wrong here. He gave you a shot at coming clean, and you blew it. Maybe at the time you didn't know your feelings were that strong for him. However, can you blame him for taking the other "option" after he puts himself out there and admits how he feels for you? You both "agreed" to be just friends. If you like him as more than a friend, you need to tell him... I'm not sure how to go about doing that at this point in your relationship, or if you even should at the moment. That all depends on how into the new girl he is now. Perhaps, it may be good for you to take a hiatus from your friendship for a minute, until they break it off (doesn't sound like it's too solid anyways).... or just get really drunk one night and spill the beans... that always works (not always for the best though)... haha. "Yeah, it's you," he said when I confronted him about it. "I knew you'd figure it out. But the question is, how do you feel about me?" I wanted to spill my heart out right then, but I held back. "I like you too," I said. "But I know you like her, probably more than you like me - romantically, that is. And we're best friends...I don't want anything to mess that up."
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