trippi1432 Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 That's the only way your marriage stands a good chance--keep yourself grounded. Discuss with your H that he too realizes this. Then, if it sadly ends...at least you can say you gave it your best, and didn't half-try, and won't someday be remorseful, guilt-ridden, and the rest of the nasties that come with infidelity. Exactly!! Make sure you both are on the same page about any outings. Mine didn't bother to ask...he assumed. (Our son telling him that Mom was dating when I was really having dinner with the girlfriends didn't help either. ) There's a lot of confusion during this time and assumptions can run wild on both sides.
PWSX3 Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 I just got back from going to brunch with a couple from church. He is very good in what the bible says. For "me" I am learning I'm selfish, that I still look at me when I talk about my former girlfriend. What "I" need to do is take myself off that pedestal that I've put myself on & then replace me with God. I have always been a believer but now it's time for "me" to live it........ I know this isn't for everyone & I'm not trying to preach, but to share what I need to do for me.
You Go Girl Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 I have always been a believer but now it's time for "me" to live it........ Even us heathens can relate to the above quote--we all believe in something. And really, you could use your own previous signature in the same manner--that yoda --do or don't, there is no try. Live it means the same thing, yes?
Luv2dance Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I am 42, and separated from my husband 4 weeks ago. We've been together 20 years (the last 10 of it married). I initiated the separation because I haven't been sexually attracted to my husband for a long time, and I haven't been able to get past how I can stay married to someone I'm not attracted to. In other words, staying in the marriage seemed equivalent to giving up on romance and passion and a sex life. Our relationship feels like brother/sister or good friends. I do love him, it just feels platonic. My husband is a great guy. Generous, kind, devoted, faithful, supportive and, yes, even good looking. My issues stem from growing apart over the years, and what is an unbalanced relationship. My career has taken off, and his has taken a nose dive. My income is, literally, about 15x greater than his. I'm covering the mortgage, and saving for retirement for both of us. I also have issues with what I perceive as immature behavior (I won't get into the details). He works out of our house, so he is also home all the time. He doesn't go out with friends. I just feel like he's so dependent on me, and like nobody is taking care of me. I have lost respect for him. While I know it's irrational, I am TERRIFIED of being single at 42. I do enjoy hanging out with my girlfriends, but the idea of dating is really freaking me out. To add to my anxiety, a coworker who I had a crush on recently asked me out, then stood me up (the rejection was devastating to me). Karma, I'm sure, as my husband is devastated by my rejection of him. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I'm not ready to get back together, but divorce right now seems so sudden for our 20-year relationship. I don't feel very hopeful that we can rekindle or rebuild things, and I wish that would change. Should I stick out the separation in the hopes that I will have an epiphany that will save my marriage? Thanks in advance for your comments/ideas... I could have written this first paragraph with only changes in the age and years together (we've been married almost 16yrs)! Except that I have not separated from my husband at this point. So, can I ask you a question? When you first "fell in love" with your husband did you have a strong chemistry/attraction to him? You have received some great advice already and I am reading hoping to also gain some insight since I am not really in a place to give advice! I also have huge insecurities about being alone.
Author pillowtalk Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 When you first "fell in love" with your husband did you have a strong chemistry/attraction to him? Yes, I did. You might check out the book Women's Infidelity (http://www.womensinfidelity.com/ ; cheapest purchased as a download). It has a good discussion of what it means to women to be "in love", the chemicals produced by the brain when first "in love" with someone, and how that changes over time with a long-term relationship. I was able to identify with most of the scenarios in this book. I hope that helps, and I wish you all the best in your journey. Let me know if you have more questions. Even if it's painful, you will be so much better off by taking control of your life and examining these issues rather than ignoring them.
Gunny376 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 Most freaking outstanding! Most excellent! Your learing! Your growing! Its good that you and your 'DH are seperated, because this sthe time, perhaps for the first time that you need to take out and figure out who and what you are and are about! And you really need to explore and discover who pillowtalk is about. I'm glad that you're beginning to comprehend and understand how the bio-chemicals in your brain work. Most women, (or I should say a lot of women) sexual desire faid once they have children. You! Are one awesome woman! Your above and beyond most in that your seeking the answers to the questions and solutions to the problems! You get five sock bunnys (Which use to mean "atta-girls") on LS! :bunny::bunny: BTW? You get five sock bunnies from me? That means something!
You Go Girl Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 Gunny, some women, certainly not all, have a period of reduced libido after child-bearing, but it is temporary, and definitely not life-long. I can remember feeling some loss of libido, but certainly not a complete loss. I think women sometimes feel like they're body belongs to others and no longer is theirs---the child, and then as soon as the child vacates, the H wants more sex......lol The deeper issue here is keeping desire for one person for a LTR. That proves challenging regardless of gender, especially when the LTR is far longer than the notorious 7 year itch.
Gunny376 Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Gunny, some women, certainly not all, have a period of reduced libido after child-bearing, but it is temporary, and definitely not life-long. I can remember feeling some loss of libido, but certainly not a complete loss. I think women sometimes feel like they're body belongs to others and no longer is theirs---the child, and then as soon as the child vacates, the H wants more sex......lol The deeper issue here is keeping desire for one person for a LTR. That proves challenging regardless of gender, especially when the LTR is far longer than the notorious 7 year itch. Agreed and understod. And I really do understand what your saving. But again we're back to communication and men's lack of understanding about what being a womnan is about!
Author pillowtalk Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 (edited) Its good that you and your 'DH are seperated, because this sthe time, perhaps for the first time that you need to take out and figure out who and what you are and are about! This is true. It was very difficult to initiate the separation, but it was a critical step to eventual happiness for both of us - however things turn out. Right now living alone is mostly just darned lonely, but that feeling is diminishing slowly day by day. I'm glad that you're beginning to comprehend and understand how the bio-chemicals in your brain work. It has been very important for me to understand this. Truth be told, my attraction to blue-collar guy has been producing bio-chemicals like you wouldn't believe. For me it has to be mind-over-matter, or my DH will never stand a chance against the "crack high" (as described by Michelle Langley in Women's Infidelity). What I'm trying to say is, the chemicals can really distort a person's thinking. You get five sock bunnys (Which use to mean "atta-girls") on LS! :bunny::bunny: BTW? You get five sock bunnies from me? That means something! Thanks for believing in me - I'll do my best to live up to the 5 sock bunnies Edited May 5, 2010 by pillowtalk
Luv2dance Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Yes, I did. You might check out the book Women's Infidelity (http://www.womensinfidelity.com/ ; cheapest purchased as a download). It has a good discussion of what it means to women to be "in love", the chemicals produced by the brain when first "in love" with someone, and how that changes over time with a long-term relationship. I was able to identify with most of the scenarios in this book. I hope that helps, and I wish you all the best in your journey. Let me know if you have more questions. Even if it's painful, you will be so much better off by taking control of your life and examining these issues rather than ignoring them. Thanks for the link I will check that out! I think I am in a little different place b/c I did not have a strong physical attraction or that OCD feeling towards my husband, so that brings a different sort of problems. I feel like I am trying to create an attraction where honestly there just may be none....
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