How can they be so cold?

[velouria123]

I guess I'll bleed my heart the fellow love shackers as I have read many if not hundreds of the posts on here and this is the only avenue I have left (it seems). I really could use a bit of insight here and figure out how to cope better. Any crumbs you guys can throw me would be of great appreciation even if it's only a sentence.

I dated her for roughly a year and a half. Prior to this relationship I was in a similar state of despondence as I had just gotten out of a relationship with a girl that was the antithesis to the one I'm currently mourning. This relationship was much different in that I truly admired her and it was not predicated upon lust. We are both esteemed in the academic realm and this was the first person that I had ever connected with intellectually (I'm late twenties) I had done things wrong, as I'm pretty guarded about saying the "l" word. I also compartmentalize my life quite a bit, for fear that I would alienate her or maybe for fear that she would not appreciate things in my life that were dear to me. So things may not have progressed in the way they probably should have.

Nevertheless, I treated her with the utmost respect and I spent so much of my time with her. We never really fought. She was much different than I, no doubt, yet we had some great times. A couple of months back I caught a nasty cold. We were supposed to go to my brothers house, but cancelled due to my malaise. She said that there was a party that she was invited to by her old friends and I urged her to go, for I completely trust her. I have a fervor that she would never cheat on me. She went but stayed the night and it bothered me. I guess it was just a natural instinct, not sure. After she came home I brought it up and we got into a bit of a scurmish. We ended the conversation and she said she'd call back the next day. The next conversation was the breakup. It was pretty woeful many tears on both sides of the exchange, but ended somewhat cordially although I pleaded that she was everything I have ever wanted. ( Weird how when they leave is when you really see how much they had to do with your life). Then it was done. I was indeed crushed, but really hoped that reconciliation was possible.

After that I went into full no contact mode, feeling that anything I said would further send me into the abyss of "needY" boyfriends. During this time I never heard from her at all (no call, no email, txt, nothing). Finally after 3-4 weeks of hearing nothing, I wrote her an email more or less thanking her for the times we shared and wishing her and her family well. Within the email I posted a song on youtube I wrote (pianist) for her, kind of a bittersweet pop song, nothing depressing, but heartfelt nonetheless. I then received a frigid email in return, mentioning nothing I said in the email and pretty much just giving me the proverbial middle finger in a 3 sentence reply. I felt like I was spam (the meat and the junk mail).

This empowered me to an extent, as I realized that she had absolutely no feelings for me whatsoever and I was a fool for sending her anything at all. I really didn't want to receive any implication of hope from her, maybe just some consolance that it while it didn't work out, she still had a good experience. It was almost like she was angry at me!

I still have had my tail in between my legs and have not contacted her at all. Then today she sends me a text letting me know that she is returning some of my things. I was at work, so I told her just to leave it in my mailbox. I also owed her a little bit of money for something she bought for my house, so I told her that I would send her a check. She coldy replied, "I don't want your money :)". <---Smiley face included. I texted her are you angry with me, and she replied "no, not at all". So I just wished her the best. That was it.

Now I'm at a spot of complete sadness. I do miss her dearly, but understand that there are just things in life out of our control and we have no choice but to accept. I suppose my question is, "How can some people be so stoic?" Like everything meant absolutely nothing!? It feels like just a method to break me. You win. If I left a gentleman, which I did, didn't bother her; didn't bug the **** out her, why so cold to me? That is my inquiry loveshackers...Even in the past relationships, women that have cheated on me, had been more pleasant. It just sucks and really makes me feel low, inadequate, ______<----Insert negative self-loathing adjective here.

Thanks to anyone who reads and replies. Many of you have helped me cope and I'm eternally greatful.

 

velouria.

[kyta]

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ilovecake]

This might just be her way of coping. Sometimes it's easier to say nothing for fear that if you let yourself feel, even a little, the floodgates will open. I wouldn't spend too much time dwelling on the whys, you can drive yourself crazy doing that as there's never a satisfactory answer.

[velouria123]

Thanks cake,

 

Yeah it just seems strange, but now there is no choice but to move on.

She just left some of my things on my doorstep and now I'm just bumming

hard dude. Maybe it's for the better that she is so cold, it just hurts. It makes me feel as though I did something wrong. These are probably played records on this forum. You'd like to think that you left an impact on someone or impression so to speak. I feel like I'm some sort of villain. Like I had not one effect on her life. 2 months since it happened these thoughts are persistent in my head. No contact definitely works in some aspects, but the void is ever-present.

[velouria123]

I also think to myself maybe if I was a total prick a more satisfactory result I would have received! Who knows?

[northstar1]

Hey- I read your post and will reply with some thoughts as soon as I get back to my computer. Too long from a mobile.

[velouria123]

Can't wait northstar. One of my favorites on here man

[LK30]

Well Velouria, I must return the favour as you gave me some good advice and in my thread you said we had similar situations - I would certainly agree that our 'endings' particularly are very alike.

 

My ex and I exchanged texts and e-mails, and she was stubborn and didn't seem to fight for the relationship. Like me, you probably wanted a response like 'hey, we can work this out, it's going to be ok, I want to be with you,' but no! They just flatline!

 

It seems to me that she gave up too easy, and I don't know the full story but regret to ask you - do you think she met someone at the party? I would've reacted the same if my gf hadn't come home. How did she explain that? If she could walk away so quickly then i get the impression that you are way too good for her anyway - and perhaps at some point she will realise that. Better you knew how weak she was now, than if you had had committed through marriage and children as this girl doesn't have any fight it seems. Keep your head up and respect yourself for the fact you stood up for yourself. As you said before, you can't control the other person, only yourself. Stay in control and wait for someone to walk into your life who really has the respect and effort for you. She's out there!

[cdt76]

Well, maybe I'm a bitter untrusting sort but I think she cheated on you at that party. She couldn't explain her situation in any meaningful way and the year and half you were together all of the sudden didn't matter. She was gone. She checked out because she had someone to check into! Just my opinion.

[shadowplay]

Hey, sorry to hear you're feeling down. I could relate to much of what you wrote.

 

This is off topic, and I apologize if I'm being inappropriate for asking, but is English not your first language? I ask because you write in a curious way. You have a good vocabulary and you're clearly intelligent, but the way your sentences are worded is a bit unusual -- not bad, just different. It got me curious.

[velouria123]

Hey shadow,

 

that's hilarious man. English is my first language for sure. I'm a big reader and have had quite the tenure in the realm of academia. I guess I write a bit too wordy and ornate at times. I guess I like to color when I write. And shadow you are another poster that I truly admire. I have received much insight from you my friend. And maybe she did cheat on me...who knows, it for hurts to think about her doing so, but she is the furthest thing from promiscuous. It's happened to me before with other women, so she very may well could have. Anyway guys thanks for the words. We'll get through this bs somehow..

[cdt76]

I just know from experience that it seems to be the only way a person can cut emotional ties without any adverse (topically and visibly anyway) effects. She has some reason she is able to focus her energy in another direction and she isn't telling you the complete truth. I know mine was the same way. Sad and unfortunate. I'm sorry if that is the case.

[northstar1]

I first have to ask if your name is a reference to the Pixies? Not really relevant, but it caught my attention.

 

Anyways - onto your story. It sounds like your ex wasn't willing to fight for the relationship. I don't know her backstory, if she's had a history of relationships where she's run at the first sign of trouble or conflict, but it sounds like she coped here by taking offence and then detaching and closing down. But from what I read, she didn't take any criticism and instead just decided to blame you and then shut off.

 

If so, I can relate. My ex and I dated for a year or so, ran into some problems not long ago, of which I certainly take my blame, she withdrew, shifted all the blame to me, and then wasn't willing to fight for the relationship and it all fell apart relatively quickly, much like yours. I fought for it, but she became very cold and gave up. and like you, no contact. I tried to get in touch a few weeks later to sit down and talk and see if we'd maybe reacted too quickly and no reply.

 

The hard part is the person you dated seems to be replaced by a stranger and it's hard to reconcile that with the person you knew.

The lesson to learn, and it is hard is that this might have been a foreshadow of how this person deals with problems down the road. Rather than fighting for it, realizing relationships are hard work at times, they just decide to take off.

 

As to how they can be so stoic. I think it depends. Some detach fast and then can shut off everything. Some will jump right into another relationship right away as a method to cope or because they need attention in order to feel confident. I doubt it's healthy in any means to be honest.

 

But I do know it makes you question "Did they love me?" or "How'd they move on so fast" and I think it really requires you to ask yourself if this is the type of person they truly are, would they have made a good partner?

[velouria123]

Hey star, yeah I'm quite the pixies fan. Good pick me up band. Appreciate your sentiments on my issue. Things will get better. I guess just having my stuff returned to me struck a chord. I really am not to fond of the dating scene either, but I must be strong and realize that there is better and great times to be experienced ahead. A degree of anxiety is present which sucks and I'm constantly trying to fight. Maybe viewing these forums to much is exacerbating the issues. I should probably refrain from viewing them all the time. I've been in this state before and I made it, so here goes nothing. Or let me rephrase, here comes something! Thanks Internet friends!

[LexiB]

Hey, sorry to hear you're feeling down. I could relate to much of what you wrote.

 

This is off topic, and I apologize if I'm being inappropriate for asking, but is English not your first language? I ask because you write in a curious way. You have a good vocabulary and you're clearly intelligent, but the way your sentences are worded is a bit unusual -- not bad, just different. It got me curious.

I was wondering the same thing! OP I do have some insights about your situation and didn't just come here to ridicule Be back when I get settled.

[ALombard]

Hey Velouria,

 

I'm in the same position as you. My ex broke up with me and every time I tried to talk to her I would tell her how much I missed her, loved her, etc. But never got the response I was looking for. Her responses were short and sweet. Now just like Northstar said, I don't know her back story so this makes it tough.

 

If she is anything like my ex it's because she really tries to just let herself not feel. In the past when we she dumped me we would get back together and when I would ask her why she acted how she did when I tried to talk to her it was always the same answer, "I was hurt, angry, and I didn't want to admit to myself that I was still in love with you."

 

She dumped me again, for another guy again and on the few occasions we did talk (which won't happening anymore) same responses.

 

My advice to you is just let the dead dog lay. Fighting for her to come back usually, in the long run, isn't worth it believe me. If you get back together there will be trust issues, a feeling of walking on eggshells, and uncertainty. Maybe on both your parts. Once the damage is done it's hard to fix, I tried twice and it wasn't until today that I just said "Screw it, I'm done trying."

 

I know you're probably in a lot of pain but do what I did. Just keep posting on here, I found it to be more therapuetic then talking to friends and family because an outsiders point of view helps and we have all been through what you're going through. Try what I have been doing to, analyze the relationship and focus on the things that didn't make it work and DO NOT EVER blame yourself. Break ups aren't one-sided. Both parties did something to make it end.

 

So best of luck and just keep writing things down on here, you want to call her, post here instead. Having a bad time during the day, post here. NO CONTACT that is the best way to go, that and just being happy that you're now going to be able to find the right person for yourself because she obviously wasn't it.

 

Oh and no sexual thoughts about her. That will set you WAY WAY back.

[velouria123]

Hey Lombard, thanks for the words my friend. I agree with you whole-heartedly. I once read getting back together after a breakup could be equated to trying to glue back together a broken glass. It could be possible, but you cut yourself in the process. Reading your situation (One I will comment on the next time I get a minute) the main difference is contact. She broke it off, but I didn't beg for her back. Was I a mess? Of course, still am to an extent. Part of me figured that my absence would cause her heart to grow fonder. This failed and had me sending a final farewell, which brought me more to a point of weakness. So in the span of two months, I had one lapse, and she texted once to return some items and a present she bought me before the relationships demise (Quite peculiar). I guess deep down within the depths of my soul, I wanted some sort of validation from her. Like I'm not a bad person and while things may not have been ideal, they were still moments that will have shelf life within the confines of a heart. Her cold one sentence replies were simply showing me a place where her heart still tries to beat. It hurts Lombard. It hurts to feel so easily disposed of, without lack of concern for the other. I'm fine with the breakup, but at least give me a shred of your precious conscience. Thanks again Lombard...You rock dude.

[DenverBachelor]

We were supposed to go to my brothers house, but cancelled due to my malaise.

 

Do you talk like this in everyday informal conversation? Malaise? Are you kidding me?

 

You're not defending a dissertation at Harvard my friend. Drop the flowery language and come down to earth for a moment. Listen Polonius, as queen Gertrude said, "more matter with less art."

 

Now about your ex. Leave it in the past. Figure out who you are and pay more attention to how you come across to others. You sound just a wee bit pretentious with the your choice of vocabulary and how you word your thoughts. Keep in mind that it comes across as threatening and stilted to others.

 

Just keep it real, dude.

[velouria123]

Do you talk like this in everyday informal conversation? Malaise? Are you kidding me?

 

You're not defending a dissertation at Harvard my friend. Drop the flowery language and come down to earth for a moment. Listen Polonius, as queen Gertrude said, "more matter with less art."

 

Now about your ex. Leave it in the past. Figure out who you are and pay more attention to how you come across to others. You sound just a wee bit pretentious with the your choice of vocabulary and how you word your thoughts. Keep in mind that it comes across as threatening and stilted to others.

 

Just keep it real, dude.

 

Hey Denver,

 

Apologies for the eloquence. My intent is not come off pretentious or make you stomach turn reading. I apologize for wordiness, but how about a little empathy my captain? Really. Are you going to just comment on my post to grade my vocabulary? People that frequent these posts are typically in a place of despair, so the last thing anyone here needs is your criticism. I'm not writing to impress, just wanted a bit of insight from the folks on LS. If you find my words threatening or stilted, hit the back button on the top left of your browser and move on.

[northstar1]

Hey Lombard, thanks for the words my friend. I agree with you whole-heartedly. I once read getting back together after a breakup could be equated to trying to glue back together a broken glass. It could be possible, but you cut yourself in the process. Reading your situation (One I will comment on the next time I get a minute) the main difference is contact. She broke it off, but I didn't beg for her back. Was I a mess? Of course, still am to an extent. Part of me figured that my absence would cause her heart to grow fonder. This failed and had me sending a final farewell, which brought me more to a point of weakness. So in the span of two months, I had one lapse, and she texted once to return some items and a present she bought me before the relationships demise (Quite peculiar). I guess deep down within the depths of my soul, I wanted some sort of validation from her. Like I'm not a bad person and while things may not have been ideal, they were still moments that will have shelf life within the confines of a heart. Her cold one sentence replies were simply showing me a place where her heart still tries to beat. It hurts Lombard. It hurts to feel so easily disposed of, without lack of concern for the other. I'm fine with the breakup, but at least give me a shred of your precious conscience. Thanks again Lombard...You rock dude.

 

Hey Velouria, hope you are getting on well.

 

I feel your pain here. Although my ex hasn't been cruel since our breakup, the contact we did have (which was necessary once) she was pleasant but completely neutral and detached. Like a switch was thrown. It does really make you feel like it all meant nothing to them and they can just carry on like it's any other day. Otherwise, it will be all NC for me, as the ex becomes that stranger she was before we met. Just another person on the street you pass without a glance.