TLH Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Okay, so I have a mini dilemma and I would really like some input. I heard through the grapevine that my ex is not doing too well with the whole breakup situation. And I have heard through the grapevine that he is asking a lot of questions about me. And I also heard that he is upset that I did not respond to his birthday message. (For details on this see here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t229808/) And now I feel bad. I know I shouldn't but I do. Some details on the breakup- - He initiated it. I agreed that it was for the best. So I like to say it was mutual but really he did the "breaking up". - It wasn't a nasty breakup. It was actually filled with a lot of love and understanding (in a weird kind of way). - I have implemented NC and stuck to it aside from a text message early on about the return of things (this has been taken care of without me having to see/interact with him), a phone call to him in a "dark moment" which he did not answer and never returned, and birthday text from him to which I never replied. - It has been roughly 3 weeks since the break-up. - I have been doing fairly well. I think it's because I knew there were flaws in the relationship and I have come to a crossroads in my life in regards to my future (I'm graduating uni in a week). And thinking about the future is forcing me to move on. - I have blocked him from facebook and then deactivated it all together because I was developing a sort of "addiction". And I have asked all my friends to please not update me in regards to him and his life. And it was going well until one of my friends accidentally slipped up and then profusely apologized. (I forgave her, but reminded her to please be more aware next time) So since he initiated the break-up, and CHOSE to end things instead of trying to work on them, then I owe him nothing. Right? He CHOSE to be without me. And I accepted his decision. I do love him. And I do miss him. But I don't think I want to work things out unless he is willing to make some drastic changes and commitments. So why do I feel like I did something wrong? Why do I want to comfort him and reach out to him all of a sudden? Please- all advice and words of wisdom to make me feel less guilty would be greatly appreciated :-)
yume Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Okay, so I have a mini dilemma and I would really like some input. I heard through the grapevine that my ex is not doing too well with the whole breakup situation. And I have heard through the grapevine that he is asking a lot of questions about me. And I also heard that he is upset that I did not respond to his birthday message. (For details on this see here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t229808/) And now I feel bad. I know I shouldn't but I do. ... So why do I feel like I did something wrong? Why do I want to comfort him and reach out to him all of a sudden? To be honest I don't think there's much you can do about feeling guilty that you hurt someone. You're human. Sometimes you have to do things that hurt people.. All you've been hearing is that he's upset, but has he contacted you directly yet? No. I don't think it's as serious as you think until he actually contacts you. Remember, you were upset that he didn't follow up on your phone call about your brother but he didn't do anything about it. You should extend the same courtesy.
Author TLH Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 Hey Yume! Yea, you are absolutely right. I don't think there is much I can do except just let the guilt run it's course. The emotion has to pass eventually. I still love him, so of course it makes sense for me to feel bad if I feel like I hurt him. Breakups and the emotional rollercoaster that follows are so difficult to handle! But of course, you know that all too well. How is everything with you? Are things getting a little easier? I hope so :-)
yume Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Yeah. Maybe one day you can approach him and say that you were sorry for all the hurt that happened between the two of you....but right now....there isn't really anything you can do. As for me...eh. I just miss him. As I mentioned before we work together, and another guy from work is planning this night out for some of the staff because it's his birthday, and I'm pretty sure my ex will be going. I'm not exactly looking forward to it, because...I don't want any drama to happen...It's just nerve wracking being around him because I want to talk to him but I feel that I can't, and that he doesn't want anything to do with me. :/ I guess I just have to go to this outing in the mindset that I am going for my FRIEND to have a good time and celebrate his birthday...and block out anything involving my ex.... AGH.
RobM Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 (edited) It's normal to still care if you didn't have a horrible breakup, I mean you two were together for a long time and did love each other, you can't just turn that off. It's also normal to want to think the other person made a mistake and will regret not being with you, it's a good ego boost. Even if I don't want you anymore I still want you to want me. So smile to yourself, realize it's just a moment of weakness and you'll be ok and don't contact him, go do something that will make you smile, make you happy. I almost forgot, it's supposed to be sunny and mid 70's this week, hint hint!!!! Edited April 30, 2010 by RobM
Author TLH Posted May 1, 2010 Author Posted May 1, 2010 Wow Yume. That is such a tough situation to be in. Do you know how many people total will be there? Maybe it will be easier to avoid you ex if there is a bigger group going? To be honest, I don't think I would be able to handle a situation like that. I think that you are so strong for even considering. And I completely understand the missing him. I totally miss my ex. I just want him to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. But let me know how the "outing" goes. I hope that you end up having a good time, even though I know that the thought is probably really stressful. Rob- thanks for your comment! It's my first long-term relationship break-up so it's reassuring to know that the things I'm feeling are normal. As for the weather- it was a beautiful day today but I think it's supposed to rain tomorrow and Sunday!! I'm starting to think that the Universe is seriously out to get me! But *hopefully* the weather will cooperate and I can skydive this Sunday. I have been anticipating the jump, and I will be so bummed out if it doesn't work out. However, my mom and I are taking a girls trip to Florida in a week, and if the jump doesn't work out this Sunday, I'm seriously considering jumping in Florida ;-)
RobM Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Funny, I'll be in florida week after next to see the next shuttle launch.
Author TLH Posted May 1, 2010 Author Posted May 1, 2010 Wow Rob! That's crazy! We are on the same wavelength or something! And I think it's so awesome that you are going to see a shuttle launch. Unfortunately, it will be one of the last ones. So it's awesome that you will get to have that experience.
RobM Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Only 2 more after this one, good luck getting tickets to watch at nasa, they sold out for this one in less than 10 minutes. Should be fun, I'm looking forward to it. The best part is the 20 hour road trip to get there, top down, face wind and sunburnt, music blasting.
Author TLH Posted May 1, 2010 Author Posted May 1, 2010 Wow, only 2 more. Unbelievable. I really can't wait to see what will happen next. I don't think that we're gonna try to get tickets. I think that we're just gonna hang out on the beach and be lazy :-) We are going with some family friends (a mom and her daughter) and the daughter just happens to be my age and single, so I think we're gonna try to hit up some bars! It will definitely be refreshing to hang out with a single gal, since all of my girlfriends are either married or in long term relationships. So I am definitely looking forward to it. It's funny cause we had this trip planned before my ex and I split. It's almost as if the Universe had this all planned out...
Author TLH Posted May 1, 2010 Author Posted May 1, 2010 Oh and your drive sounds AMAZING! I'm assuming you have a convertible! That's awesome!
RobM Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 The best way to travel, sun and fresh air and loud enough the wife can't talk to me (much).
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