giotto Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 My husband and I have been together for three years. We have a 15 month old toddler. We have not had sex since I was about four months pregnant. I think you have your answer there... he stopped having sex with you when you started showing... that's it! He sees you now as the mother of his baby, not as a woman or his wife... it's not uncommon.
BettyBoop Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 It's hard to go without any affection for almost two years, you know? I mean aside from the dry peck on the lips.. Even if he has a low libido it does not really explain to me dry peck on the lips...if he loves you he should be showing you affection in other ways like cuddling, kissing... Me and my boyfriend went through a phase over 8 months ago when I was mad at him over a thing we fought constantly about. It reduced my desire for him to zero. He still had desire. One night I lay there in bed next to him, each one on each side and realised that if I didn't sleep with him that night - I never would feel the desire to do it again because I would have "checked out" enough to distance myself. So I basically rolled over him and forced myself to want him. And after that I did again. The emotional/physical bond was restored for me. Perhaps your husband has crossed the line that I almost crossed emotionally/physically? Can you perhaps see a sex therapist?
EnigmasMuse Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 IMO, I think its YOU who needs to make a choice on the situation. Because I don't see him making one as far as doing anything to try to fix things. If he has already checked out of the marriage for whatever reason, its gonna take alot to get him checked back in, and that doesn't mean he will or even want to. Its very hard to fix things when one person is so detached.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 I think you have your answer there... he stopped having sex with you when you started showing... that's it! He sees you now as the mother of his baby, not as a woman or his wife... it's not uncommon. Because I'm a boorish, ignorant male.... The point is he never was interested in sex.... When a relationship starts with sex only once every couple of weeks, there are issues down the line. Can you imagine a male sitting idly by waiting for sex for 19 months????? Geez, I understand a child and a break of 3-5 months..... But 19!!!!!!!!
OneTwo Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 The only time a male doesn't want to have sex with his partner is when he is a little grossed-out by her. This happened to me once with a girl I was dating years ago. She was attractive, nice, and very helpful. She just always wanted to talk about kids. It was kids this, kids that, kids movies...blah. She quit her job so that she could put on hef own volunteer children's shows. I felt trapped when I was with her. She even tried to convince me to sell my hotrod and buy a station wagon or a mini-van. We had only been dating a couple of months. It felt like a slow castration. Even though she was attractive, I got to the point where I found her completely non-sexy, kind of like visualizing your own grandmother while having sex. I tried over and over to get through to her. She just didn't get it. It got to the point where sex with her seemed very gross -- like having sex with a friend you are not attracted to who has bad breath or something. I had to scrape her off. I traded her in for a hot chick that I picked up at a bar. It got me back into the proper mode. Maryf, it may be that your husband is looking for a break from being mister family man. Maybe you have become too much like Betty Crocker and he isn't turned on by that. --Just a thought.
mem11363 Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 It is VERY rare for a heterosexual male to behave the way your husband is. While some men are effected a bit by pregnancy/child bearing - very few are effected to the degree your man is - and those that are - IT DOES NOT IMPROVE WITH AGE - IT JUST GETS WORSE. The post below implies this is not uncommon. I disagree your H's behavior IS uncommon. I think you have your answer there... he stopped having sex with you when you started showing... that's it! He sees you now as the mother of his baby, not as a woman or his wife... it's not uncommon.
AVR1962 Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Sounds exactly like my marriage from the very start and i have been married for 18 years. No involvement with me, I have had to persue all that but he persues his own interests, not me, never me, I was always going to him. he just recently admitted that he has had several emotional affairs in our marriage but claims he has had sex with non of them, like he was infatuated with them. I have finaly given up on anykind of sex life with my husband and gone to a non-sexual state, focusing on other things in life which is not all bad. I do miss feeling that someone cares for me and having the closeness that a sexual realtionship provides but it obvious to me that I am the wife and not the excitement in my husband's life and I don't care to entertain his needs anymore as I was the one going to him from the start and apparently what I was providing wasn't good enough so I have washed my hands clean knowing I have it my all. Hope that helps! If we did not have a childat home still, I probably would not still be with husband.
EnigmasMuse Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 "The only time a man doesn't want to have sex with his partner is when he is a little grossed out by her." So what about men who have very super sexy partners? There are other reason too I'm sure that someone might not want to have sex with their spouse. Its not always about looks.
stillafool Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 It is a common problem for the woman to feel only like "mommy" and forget how to also be "lover". You are sort of experiencing the reverse of that phenomenon. I think this is the problem. Your husband is now viewing you more of "the mother of his children" rather than "his lover". I've seen this happen with other couples.
mem11363 Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 OP, Have you changed physically from the pregnancy? Gained a lot of weight? I think this is the problem. Your husband is now viewing you more of "the mother of his children" rather than "his lover". I've seen this happen with other couples.
giotto Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 The post below implies this is not uncommon. I disagree your H's behavior IS uncommon. I disagree again... he sees her in a different light now... stopping having sex at 4 months pregnant is a very good indicator... I don't think he never recovered from that.. he needs counselling...
You Go Girl Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 I disagree again... he sees her in a different light now... stopping having sex at 4 months pregnant is a very good indicator... I don't think he never recovered from that.. he needs counselling... It took my first husband a long time to see me as sexy after the birth of our child. Even though I had shed all the weight after 3 months. He was scared when I was pregnant--like I was invaded by an alien--(which I suppose I was Then after she was born he still distanced himself sexually...I was now a "mother". Mothers are not sexy. Mothers are the Madonna--the gf he lost was the whore-- read Madonna/Whore complex. It might be a clue. That 4 months pregnant is really telling imho. That said, do what you can to not be in mommy mode all the time--the way you dress, make arrangements to go out and leave baby with babysitter, flirtatious things, your wild side...you've probably done all that already. Will he let you do a bj on him? It would be interesting to know if he won't let you touch him at all, or he just doesn't want to enter you. Did he want the baby too?
Toodamnpragmatic Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 It took my first husband a long time to see me as sexy after the birth of our child. Even though I had shed all the weight after 3 months. He was scared when I was pregnant--like I was invaded by an alien--(which I suppose I was Then after she was born he still distanced himself sexually...I was now a "mother". Mothers are not sexy. Mothers are the Madonna--the gf he lost was the whore-- read Madonna/Whore complex. It might be a clue. That 4 months pregnant is really telling imho. That said, do what you can to not be in mommy mode all the time--the way you dress, make arrangements to go out and leave baby with babysitter, flirtatious things, your wild side...you've probably done all that already. Will he let you do a bj on him? It would be interesting to know if he won't let you touch him at all, or he just doesn't want to enter you. Did he want the baby too? And many are blaming her..... It's his problem/issue..... We've had threads where I have come down hard on a spouse for gaining weight or being disinterested... Here we have had multiple posts telling her to be more flirtatious, give a BJ, dress sexier, not be in "mommy mode"..... They had little sex before marriage and the pregnancy (2X/mth), he stopped after she was 4 months pregnant and they are going on 19 months now!!!!!! And some are asking about her weight and how sexy she dresses???? Why is it that only Giotto and myself are the only one's really seeing the problem????
Luv2dance Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 And many are blaming her..... It's his problem/issue..... We've had threads where I have come down hard on a spouse for gaining weight or being disinterested... Here we have had multiple posts telling her to be more flirtatious, give a BJ, dress sexier, not be in "mommy mode"..... They had little sex before marriage and the pregnancy (2X/mth), he stopped after she was 4 months pregnant and they are going on 19 months now!!!!!! And some are asking about her weight and how sexy she dresses???? Why is it that only Giotto and myself are the only one's really seeing the problem???? I am totally with you...as soon as she said the sex before baby was so scarce I didn't think there was anything she could do to change him or the situation. There is a difference in a low libido spouse who still has some interest in you & the relationship and a NON libido spouse who has only given you a peck on the cheek in 19 months.
You Go Girl Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 I'm certainly not blaming her. Anything I said about things she could to help improve things is just that--the only control she has is in her own actions. She can't control his. One thing she should do, maybe others have suggested this, drag his butt if necessary to counceling. He has some secret in his head about all this--it needs to be outted.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 (edited) I'm certainly not blaming her. Anything I said about things she could to help improve things is just that--the only control she has is in her own actions. She can't control his. One thing she should do, maybe others have suggested this, drag his butt if necessary to counceling. He has some secret in his head about all this--it needs to be outted. Counseling is needed (and unfortunately probably too late)..... Any male disinterested in sex to that extent is hiding some deep deep issues..... However they are closing in on 19 months, she has talked to him and he is disinterested.... Nothing she can (or should) do imo..... Do you know how many spouses would be over the moon to know they had a wife who was available, enjoying and wanting sex at something approaching their libido????? Edited May 2, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic
You Go Girl Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Counseling is needed (and unfortunately probably too late)..... Any male disinterested in sex to that extent is hiding some deep deep issues..... However they are closing in on 19 months, she has talked to him and he is disinterested.... Nothing she can (or should) do imo..... Do you know how many spouses would be over the moon to know they had a wife who was available, enjoying and wanting sex at something approaching their libido????? Hmm...my H (now roommate only) was never told no, ever...I was enthusiastic as could be... but he had ED sometimes (alcohol and I assume porn addiction use related-both factors). Then there was the appreciating other women too much while in my presence factor...especially when he was drinking...insulting the suggestions of swinging... Some men have it very good, and still aren't satisified--they're insatiable. And he ruined it all with those behaviors.........thinking himself Mr. Stud I suppose--his ego and machismo destroyed us. Finding a man who would be over the moon without *needing* other women will be a future goal. As for a guy like the original poster's H--never known one, but have heard stories. One extreme to the other. Neither works.
OneTwo Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 "The only time a man doesn't want to have sex with his partner is when he is a little grossed out by her." So what about men who have very super sexy partners? There are other reason too I'm sure that someone might not want to have sex with their spouse. Its not always about looks. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with the OP. I am saying that the H's perception of her might gross him out a little. This may have little or nothing to do with her. It might be something in the back of his mind that he cannot get over. I am not saying it has anything to do with looks, either. It is about the feelings evoked when being intimate with the partner. For example, if a man is secretly gay, sex with a super sexy woman might gross him out, since he may not really prefer the female anatomy. Anyway, it is rare for a man to not want sex. The exception, I find, is when the man is grossed out by the woman -- for whatever reason.
TechDude Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 finds me physically attractive, but does not have the urge to have sex with me even though he still thinks of sex (just not with me). He says he is stuck and doesn't know where to go from here. He is looking into counseling He can never seem to pin point the exact problem ... He says it weighs on him every day the pain that I'm in, and yet nothing really gets done. He knows he has a problem, wants to do something about it but just can't manage to get moving ... have you considered the possibility that he might have depression? I know this is inappropriate (so I'll blame it on frustration), but sometimes I think we just need to shuffle all the partners around so that .... no, never mind, let's not go there, I'll just keep my frustration to myself. Sorry, but time and again, seeing posts by women complaining about a sexless marriage, well, it just gets me wondering why things have to be this way.
TechDude Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Anyway, it is rare for a man to not want sex. You'd think so, but then why so many posts around here from women married to someone who is not interested in sex.
blair08 Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 "Sorry, but time and again, seeing posts by women complaining about a sexless marriage, well, it just gets me wondering why things have to be this way". I see posts from men too, who are in a sexless marriage. I to wonder for them, why does it have to be this way? I guess the only person that knows the answer to that, is the person who is not providing or interested in being sexual with their spouse. But then again, maybe even they do not know why.
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