maryfsunshine Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 My husband and I have been together for three years. We have a 15 month old toddler. We have not had sex since I was about four months pregnant. My husband is not cheating, not gay and does not have any physical issue (other than always having a rather low libido). My problem is that he says he loves me, finds me physically attractive, but does not have the urge to have sex with me even though he still thinks of sex (just not with me). He says he is stuck and doesn't know where to go from here. He is looking into counseling and possibly a mild separation (staying at his moms while she travels abroad). He says he never has time to 'miss me' and that maybe that has something to do with it. That and the fact that we are so financially strapped etc (I've been trying to find work). He can never seem to pin point the exact problem other than he just doesn't feel the urge to have sex with me. He says he doesn't want it to feel 'forced.' But how is that supposed to make me feel? He says it weighs on him every day the pain that I'm in, and yet nothing really gets done. So my question is...what do I do?? Can I do anything at this point? He says that I don't need to do anything. I try to remain positive. I make sure that I look nice and that the house is cleaned/dinner cooked when he gets home. I try not to nag about the little things. And yet, I'm in this position. Sorry if I rambled. I'm at my wit's end and just don't know what to do anymore. Your help is greatly appreciated.
PandorasBox Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 So you are 100% sure he is NOT doing any of the following things you mentioned? BUT yet he is thinking of a possible separation, but can't seem to tell you WHY he feels the way he does? He may see you as the mother of his child and that is all. That happens sometimes when people have kids. I'm not saying that is the case for sure. He owes you an explanation, IMO. What bothers me the most is he is thinking of counseling but yet wants a possible separation. If he wants to work on the marriage, then he needs to be at home. Do not be a doormat, and just settle for whatever he tells you.
Author maryfsunshine Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 Yes, I am positive that he is not having an affair or having ED or anything. I think the problem is he sees me as the mother of his child, his best friend and that's it. We talked about this last night. He says he's stuck as to how to stop thinking that way. And in my mind I wonder if he will ever see me the way he used to. How long am I supposed to wait? My self esteem these days is non existent. It's hard to go without any affection for almost two years, you know? I mean aside from the dry peck on the lips. I was the one who suggested counseling, and yet, he is taking his sweet time to call them back and set something up. I also mentioned separation because at this point, I feel like a fire needs to be lit under his ass to get him moving. He doesn't want to leave because of the baby. He loves her more than anything and said it would kill him to be away from her. But yet...not from me? I think that in some ways, that is the only thing keeping us together. I don't want to give up, and yet I don't want to stay in a relationship that is one sided. I am so incredibly depressed by all of it.
blair08 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 "He says that I don't need to do anything." Ok, so what will HE do? Maybe go seek counseling and maybe a separation? While you are left at home with a child to wonder what in the world is going on? Most people don't even suggest a separation unless they are at their wits end and have tried all other things, or there is a deeper issue going on than what he is telling you. Most people try counseling first. BUT he even went as far as to tell you about a possible separation, before anything has even been tried? Make sure you don't turn a blind eye to what might really be going on here. That is real easy to do when you have a child(ren) I'm not saying he is doing anything, and yes he may just feel not sexually attracted to you, and upset about the finances, but that is not really a reason to separate, thats why it sounds kind of fishy to me.
Author maryfsunshine Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 To clarify, I'm the one who brought up separation. He doesn't want to, but mainly because of our daughter. I'm at MY wits end about it all. He says to be patient, and that things will work themselves out. But after all this time, I'm the one who is lacking in the faith to believe it. I'M the one about to give up.
xxoo Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I think the problem is he sees me as the mother of his child, his best friend and that's it. We talked about this last night. He says he's stuck as to how to stop thinking that way. It is a common problem for the woman to feel only like "mommy" and forget how to also be "lover". You are sort of experiencing the reverse of that phenomenon. The common advice in that situation is to get away without the baby. Spend a night or weekend alone together--as much as you are comfortable and able. Spend husband and wife time, instead of daddy and mommy time. Is he using a ton of porn that you know of?
JackJack Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I'm sorry you're going through this. I really have no real advice for you, other than I hope it all works out for you. However, there are tons of other posts on here about sexless marriages. If you haven't already, you might want to check some of those out. I figure they might either be helpful or it could possibly make your thinking about things worse off than it already is. Anyway, at least feel free to vent, and hopefully something will will out.
Author maryfsunshine Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 As far as porn goes, he has looked at it in the past, but hasn't recently (because I am always around...). He told me even that doesn't do it for him anymore.
blair08 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 "To clarify, I'm the one who brought up separation". I understand that now, but in your original post you said, "He is looking into counseling and possibly a mild separation." So that made it look like it was HIM. If you both want to work on the marriage I say go for it. If one of you does and the other one doesn't, then its probably not going to work. At some point someone will have to make a call on what to do and where things stand.
Author maryfsunshine Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 Sorry about the confusion. The problem is, I think he might only want to work on the marriage for the sake of our daughter. Not for US.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Take your choice...... 19 months and you haven't had sex and only recently a problem. Quit making excuses for him...... Not just sex, but no affection either (dry pecks only). How long are you willing to wait???? You already admitted to his low libido. Big red flag.... He admits (or claims) to be interested in sex, but not with you.... He's not really too concerned about it.... Sorry to say you've made your bed.....
heartmonster Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Im going through a similar situation at the moment,. except we dont have a child. Hang in there,. I dont think its worth giving up yet. Push him into counceling and work on the whole " being a sexy woman not just a mommy" thing.. dont resort to separation unless you really really are at a dead end. im sorry and good luck
Luv2dance Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I am sorry you are going through this, and I do think there is a serious problem and 19 months is a LONG time to go without physical affection. I would say try counseling if he is willing, but honestly it sounds like he has checked out of the marriage for whatever reason. I am married to a low libido husband, so I understand that problem, and I have actually lost attraction for him. However, we have NEVER gone more than 3 weeks w/o sex and are now trying to put the pieces back together. I am not sure that I can ever have a strong physical attraction to him, but he and I both are trying to change some things and go from there. The TRY is what I am not sure if your husband has if you both have let things go this long. There are LOTS of sexless marriage threads...of course most of the time it is the wife who loses interest.
blair08 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I say go back and think about things before they went sour. How were things prior to you all getting married and having a child? Did you all have right much sex? How was the affection as far as kissing, cuddling, and the connection between you both? Has he always been disconnected in the bedroom department?
Author maryfsunshine Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 Blair08: Prior to marriage and baby we were very affectionate with one another and had sex about once a week to once every other week and it worked for us. I have always had a higher libido, but I was happy to compromise in that area. I did not, however, expect it to change so drastically.
Honorable_Venerable Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 If he's got no time to "miss you" and he's feeling the strain financially, maybe this is all the answer you need? Maybe he's in fight or flight mode, worrying hard about everything else and sex really isn't crossing his radar?
EnigmasMuse Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I wish I knew something to tell you. I wish I knew why it was some of these marriages go from, having sex and being loving and affectionate for awhile , to non existent, with just about no explanation for why. Unless these people who don't want sex are not telling the whole truth about what may or may not really be going on.
Author maryfsunshine Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 I thought that maybe the financial issues could be bogging him down but then last night he mentioned, that yes, he still thinks/wants sex but just doesn't feel that way towards me. He says he doesn't want it to feel forced (because I want it) and wants me to be patient. But I think I've been more than patient. 19 months is a long freaking time. He seems to think that one day, its all going to come back to him...but I can't help but think what if it doesn't? Waiting 19 months is one thing, but waiting years and years is another. And I do have my limits. And I have also been actively pursuing employment but have had no luck. No one is hiring. I am very frugal (clip coupons, make all of our meals, etc) too so I'm doing all I can in that department. *sigh* I just wish there was something more I could do.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Hi there, You have my empathy. I too am in a sexless marriage. I would definitely check out getting a keyblogger on the computer because my H hid a porn habit very well for two years. Some guys totally lose interest because of it. Guaranteed he is BSing you about something (sorry to be so blunt but sex for guys does not just stop without SOME SUPER-CRAZY reason. Check out The Sex Starved Wife and see what that brings. Yes, there is a book for us.
SarahRose Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Hi there, You have my empathy. I too am in a sexless marriage. I would definitely check out getting a keyblogger on the computer because my H hid a porn habit very well for two years. Some guys totally lose interest because of it. Guaranteed he is BSing you about something (sorry to be so blunt but sex for guys does not just stop without SOME SUPER-CRAZY reason. Check out The Sex Starved Wife and see what that brings. Yes, there is a book for us. I agree with this. My husband hid a porn addiction from me which I didn't find out until after we were married. He too said he looked occasionally and didn't really like it. Yeah right. It is very common for younger guys these days to have addictions to porn.
CarrieT Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 I agree with the others; it may not be porn and it may not be another woman, but he is definitely hiding *something* -- even if HE can't 'fess up to what it is. My last relationship was sexless for its last 18 months and I begged and cajoled and pleaded for reasons and counseling and kept being told, "it would get better." It was only AFTER we broke up that I was able to ask again, why he stopped having sex with me and his reason was that, in reality, he knew I had become disappointed in him as a man. In fact, I was disappointed in his abuse of alcohol but for him, it was one and the same. Your husband is definitely experiencing something life-changing and he may not be able to express to you what it is however. It was only after we were no longer together that my ExBF could tell me what went wrong.
Lizzie60 Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 If it's not cheating, if it's not depression, if it's not a porn addiction.. I would think he just fell out of love with you.. like many women fall out of love with their H... it could happen the other way too. He lost interest in you... I find that it often happens when the wife stays at home.. it seems that some women just disconnect from the rest of the world.. and the husband just eventually finds her W boring.. and end up having nothing in common with her..
Green Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 I always find it refreshing when this is happening to a woman instead of a man... Ok well it is probably one of the following or a combo of things. Depression, Not attracted to you, Porn, ED, Some other health issue, crazy, gay, cheating.... The best thing you can do is talk to him, and open up to eachother. Maybe go to mariage counselor
mem11363 Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Mary, As a man - I need to explain something about how desire works for us males. For us - sex is physically kind of like eating. The more time passes since our last meal/orgasm the hungrier/hornier we get. For a young man his desire cycle is at his lifetime peak. And it gradually decreases from there. As for money worries/etc - for a healthy young man - those things might decrease his desire a LITTLE BIT, but not like what you are talking about. So this is ONLY going to get worse. This is NOT fixable. I thought that maybe the financial issues could be bogging him down but then last night he mentioned, that yes, he still thinks/wants sex but just doesn't feel that way towards me. He says he doesn't want it to feel forced (because I want it) and wants me to be patient. But I think I've been more than patient. 19 months is a long freaking time. He seems to think that one day, its all going to come back to him...but I can't help but think what if it doesn't? Waiting 19 months is one thing, but waiting years and years is another. And I do have my limits. And I have also been actively pursuing employment but have had no luck. No one is hiring. I am very frugal (clip coupons, make all of our meals, etc) too so I'm doing all I can in that department. *sigh* I just wish there was something more I could do.
locamia Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 I'm not a man but I have to say from what I've read I would agree with mem11363. I just dont see how your situation could get any better. It's obvious that he does not love you or atleast care about you enough to 'force it' for your sake. If he were still in love with you I feel no matter what the cause of his low libido he would still want to make you happy. I am the low libido spouse in my marriage. I havent been able to figure out why this is..I am not cheating, have a porn addiction or medical problem, etc so all I've been able to come up with is change in hormones from having children...but I am still very much in love with my husband and would do anything to make him happy, which includes giving it up atleast once a week and even trying to enjoy it. I wish you the best but it sounds like he is too far gone and too unwilling to make an effort.
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