Tricia23 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I will try to make this as short as possible but good enough so you all can understand what I need help with. I started dating this guy in November of 2008. We pretty much had a good relationship. We did have several downs too. I was his first real relationship, so he was new to certain things. I was his first love, the first girl to meet his parents etc. So I admit I was pushy, somewhat clingy, and a bit bossy. I truly feel terrible because I was that way and that's what led to our breakup. He wasn't a complete angel either. He threatened to leave the relationship at times before and even left me for a few days. He was mean and unpleasant at times too, but I just looked past it. So we moved into an apartment together in October of 2009. Things were good then, so I thought nothing of it. But sure enough he walked out on me for good in January of 2010. Absolutely crushed me and devestated me. I couldn't even compare my sadness to anything. It was just awful. Anyways, after a month we tried being friends, but he didn't want too. In February we tried to be friends again and he didn't want to again. So time passed and I did said nothing to him unless it was regarding our apartment bills. Then as we were texting about one of the hills he asked if I'd be interested in grabbing lunch. Tears formed in my eyes for some reason. So I agreed. I figured it was a lie so I thought nothing of it. Then a week ago he called me out of the blue to talk. Needless to say he's called me everyday since then even to this day. We've talked about everything there is to talk about. He still asks if I'm dating, if I have people over to the apt etc. I figured us talking meant something, but when I think about it my confusion sets in more. He says he's not interested in dating anyone. Another thing he mentioned that shocked me is he said that he wouldn't feel bad or hurt if I started dating another guy. He said he'd be happy for me. He even said he'd hook me up with someone. Does he really mean that??? He also said he couldn't see us together again either. So why does he want to be friends? It's there a reason or could it just be that he wants me as a friend. I'm just so confused. I know it's probably not best we are friends but I'd like to try it. Please help anybody. I'm so distraught. I just don't know what to do. Advice would be so greatful Thank you...
TLH Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Hi Tricia- I'm so sorry for your breakup. They really do suck! I can't tell you why he is doing/saying the things that he is. The only conclusion that I can come to is that he is doing the typical ***hole "dumper" routine of stringing you along until he finds somebody else. And he probably needs an ego boost, which are provided by you each time you choose to respond to him. So my advice? Cut him out of your life. You obviously still have feelings for him, and being in contact with him is not allowing you to see the relationship from a clear "emotionless" perspective. When you are able to look at the relationship in a non-biased way, you will see that this guy is not worth your time or love. So cut contact now. Don't respond to him (unless of course it's rent related), don't answer his phone calls, don't agree to meet with him. Just completely cut him out of your life. CaliGuy has some really great tips on NC, so I would definitely look at the links in his profile. But you have to go NC to get a clear perspective on the situation. Only then will you be able to decide what the best course of action is. It doesn't mean that you can never talk to him or see him again. But after you get a clear perspective, you probably won't want anything to do with him. Just try it. Give it a week. And then another week. And before you know it, a month will pass. And then you can re-evaluate. You need to love yourself enough to do this. It's for your own peace of mind.
Author Tricia23 Posted May 1, 2010 Author Posted May 1, 2010 Ive really thought long and hard as to why he could possibly be doing this, and I still am not sure. He told me that he wasnt interested in dating anyone, so I dont feel like he's stringing me along. Plus he said he didnt want us to get back together ever. When we talk, he seems to ask alot of questions about me, which happen to be the exact same questions over and over. He shows a slight bit or care and concern when he asks me who I hung with that night, or if Ive met new people. He also mentioned that if I were to start a relationship with someone new, that he'd be happy for me, and he would want to meet him. What is that all about???? If he was stringing me along wouldnt things be different? I mean wouldnt I feel that he was? I dont feel that way about him. I guess I'm just confused as to why he all of a sudden wants to be friends. Maybe he isnt trying to keep me around for the wrong reasons. Maybe he really wants to be friends. That boy is so hard to read though I'll tell ya... What to do?!?!?!? Please Help.....
sphx26 Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Based on my experience, My ex and I had not resume contact until about 3 years later, but as a general rule, I would only suggest being friends with an ex if these conditions are being met: 1. Enough time has passed (do the NC,out of sight, out of mind) for you to both heal. More time for the dumpee's part on most cases. 2. If BOTH of you are sure that you have completely moved on. 3. Topics should not involve about your relationships, keep it light and casual. You could talk about your relationship and why it failed later on in the friendship when it is clear to both of you that you have moved on(see #2). If not, then it is best to go NC, otherwise, it's gonna be one hell of an emotional roller coaster ride for you both, that you can really do without.
Author Tricia23 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 I just thought I'd write an update as to what has been going on with my situation. It's been 2 weeks now since I got that first phone call from him and he has literally called me every single day since then. We've talked about everything and anything there is to talk about, which includes our relationship, our apartment, dating and family. If I told you everything I'd be here all day. We've hung out 3 times now and it's getting easier. He said we'd never be together again but he said he's confused about what he wants in life. I don't know what to expect out if that, but it's super confusing. He even told me that him and I would be friends forever. I'm not so sure what any of this means but I don't know if i'll ever figure it out. I advices him though that I would discontinue our friendship if and when he starts a new relationship. He was upset about that actually. He said to me, " but I really want us to be friends" the confused the hell out of me even more! So here I am. Stuck and confused but at the same time my heart has been smiling because he's back in my life. It may not be the way I want him to be but I guess it's better than nothing. Advice on this would be greatly appreciated!!
aiina Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Hello Tricia I feel for you, I've been in your shoes. My first thought is 'run away', sounds harsh I know, sorry. That is the shorter version. The previous messages here are right, he's doing the dumper thing, and he's telling you the truth: he can not see the two of you together now. So let him get what he's asking. Do not call or text him, under no circumstance. If there's a bill or whatever, mail it to him with a friendly message: 'hey, here are the bills. Crazy weather' (or whatever!) DO not tell him anything about what you are up to, or what you think or feel. If he calls, send him to voice message. Change your routine, so he wouldn't know where you are and what you are doing. The thing is, you are giving him the same he had from you (your time!!!) without him giving anything to you but crumbs, until he finds someone new. It's not nice, but all of us that have been there can tell you that what you feel now, it's half of what you feel when they suddenly disappear and you bump into them with a new girlfriend later. all best for you.
Author Tricia23 Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 I suppose that is what he's doing. I'm just so confused about this whole situation. I did tell him though that as soon as he starts dating I'm gone and that upset him. Why does he care so much though? Why does he want to be friends so badly but yet doesn't want to date or meet any new girls? It's just super weird and confusing!! I just don't what to do or how to handle it.
Author Tricia23 Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 But honestly, why is it so easy for my ex to be ok with me dating and or finding a new relationship? It's only been 4 months and it still hurts me to think of him with someone else. How and why is it so easy for him so soon!!! I just don't get it!
northstar1 Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 But honestly, why is it so easy for my ex to be ok with me dating and or finding a new relationship? It's only been 4 months and it still hurts me to think of him with someone else. How and why is it so easy for him so soon!!! I just don't get it! It sounds like he didn't want the relationship or had a fear of commitment and he ended up leaving. Perhaps he fully detached before hand and now he is able to spend time with you with no emotional attachment. It's hard to see what his motivation is, but it is clearly upsetting you. But either way, the fact you are still hurting and confused tells you can't be his friend right now. I think you need to tell him straight up that unless he is serious about trying again, you can't have him in your life as a friend right now.
califnan Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 It sounds like he didn't want the relationship or had a fear of commitment and he ended up leaving. Perhaps he fully detached before hand and now he is able to spend time with you with no emotional attachment. It's hard to see what his motivation is, but it is clearly upsetting you. But either way, the fact you are still hurting and confused tells you can't be his friend right now. I think you need to tell him straight up that unless he is serious about trying again, you can't have him in your life as a friend right now. ------------------- All posts are good. Northstar is trying to answer your question as to why he wishes a day to day friendship with you - but nothing else.. Detached men seem to always want to have a caring woman in their lives. Since he doesn't already have another, he must be affraid of committment or something.. "When Harry Met Sally".. Don't feel set aside that you cannot maintain the "friendship" that he is asking .. I think rarely do Both of two detached people feel only friendship for each other. Usually, at least one desires more.. All here are the ones who care - when they give you the advice to distance yourself until your heart heals .. No one who is with a noncommitted red blooded male, should have to go through what you are.
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