Kamille Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 This could probably go in the LDR section. Bf and I are going through a rough patch. We've had discussions before, but this is different. I'm not even sure what's going on. I think there are lots of contributing factors. I've been on the road a lot in April for leisure and work and am generally feeling tired because of that. I'm also moving shortly from North America to Europe, so bf and I will be in a LDR. Add to that the stress of the move and the fact I have a lot of work to do before going and... well.. I'm stressed out. The fact that I'm leaving and that we will be in a LDR is also making me emotional - and emotionally needy. Bf is, of course, also overworked. This, combined with my business travels, means that we're not seeing each other as much as I would like. Yesterday I was a total mess. I couldn't stop crying. He came over and asked me what was wrong and we talked when perhaps we shouldn't. I was still trying to figure out what was wrong, and in those times I can be pretty dramatic. It kind of ended all well, but this morning he seemed preoccupied and distant, for the first time ever. I'm trying not to worry about it too much, thinking it would only make matters worse. Any advice and or shared experiences would be appreciated. There are two issues: the first is that I'm tired of sharing top priority with his work. This leads to the second: it makes me wonder if we should really proceed with the LDR or just cut our losses now. Help!
ConfusedBunny Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 How long have you been together? How long will you be in Europe and him in America? Do you love each other? I think these are fairly important factors in the big decision!
Author Kamille Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 I will be in Europe for six months. But, when I come back, I will be living in a different city than our current city (landed my dream job). We will then be 5 hours apart and are planning to see each other twice a month (We would take turns going to see the other). This second part to the LDR is undetermined, although we started brainstorming strategies so that I could either move back to our current town or that he could move there. We have been together for over 10 months and yes we do love each other.
ConfusedBunny Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 In regards to your boyfriends sudden change of mood, I would relax, be calm and see if he comes out of it. It's possible that your expression of your fear has caused him to understand the reality of the situation. He could be hurting over this too, but a lot of men handle their problems internally, and if he wants to tell you about it, he'll likely do so once he's figured it out more. I don't really want to influence your decision about whether to try. It's a big one. I've been in fairly 'long' LDR (5 hours) and in the end it didn't work. But it lasted for a year and was very enjoyable for a long time. The reason it didn't work was related to the distance though. Everyone is different, if you really love and trust each other then it is probably worth a shot. It'll be difficult, but 6 months is not a hugely long time and I reckon it can be done!
Green Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I think for your own mental sanity you need to live in the moment and take each day as it comes. Stop living in the future of what if.
Author Kamille Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 In regards to your boyfriends sudden change of mood, I would relax, be calm and see if he comes out of it. It's possible that your expression of your fear has caused him to understand the reality of the situation. He could be hurting over this too, but a lot of men handle their problems internally, and if he wants to tell you about it, he'll likely do so once he's figured it out more. I don't really want to influence your decision about whether to try. It's a big one. I've been in fairly 'long' LDR (5 hours) and in the end it didn't work. But it lasted for a year and was very enjoyable for a long time. The reason it didn't work was related to the distance though. Everyone is different, if you really love and trust each other then it is probably worth a shot. It'll be difficult, but 6 months is not a hugely long time and I reckon it can be done! I've been in a similar LDR as this one in the past. I will definitely give him some time to assess his own feelings, and also give myself some time to rest and get in a better mood. I think for your own mental sanity you need to live in the moment and take each day as it comes. Stop living in the future of what if. Great advice Green! Thanks for reminding me. I just have so much on my plate right now, lots to get done and lots to plan ahead that I do forget about enjoying the moment.
pandagirl Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Hey Kamille! Whew. I can understand you uneasiness and stress right now. I think some of life's biggest stressors are moving and changing jobs, so I can imagine that you're anxious right now. I don't know about you, I hate uncertainty, which causes me to over-analyze and worry about everything. With my LDR boyfriend (who is also a workaholic), I'm learning to relax. Within the last couple of weeks I've come to terms that I'm not always going to be the first thing on his mind, when he is working a 14 hour day. As much as I'd like more, a good night phone call is all I'm going to get on those days. I've talked to him about it, and the conclusion is, he'll try to be more sensitive and I'll try to see things from his perspective a little more. We'll see how things progress!
Els Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Kamille, I've been through a couple of LDRs, and I honestly think that if you have trouble with lack of time/attention on his part while you're together IRL, an LDR will be next to impossible.
Author Kamille Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 Hey Kamille! Whew. I can understand you uneasiness and stress right now. I think some of life's biggest stressors are moving and changing jobs, so I can imagine that you're anxious right now. I don't know about you, I hate uncertainty, which causes me to over-analyze and worry about everything. With my LDR boyfriend (who is also a workaholic), I'm learning to relax. Within the last couple of weeks I've come to terms that I'm not always going to be the first thing on his mind, when he is working a 14 hour day. As much as I'd like more, a good night phone call is all I'm going to get on those days. I've talked to him about it, and the conclusion is, he'll try to be more sensitive and I'll try to see things from his perspective a little more. We'll see how things progress! Thanks Panda. I can usually tolerate uncertainty pretty well, but what gets me is fatigue. When i'm tired, I turn into a bit of a drama queen. I can no longer reason with myself, so I will amplify the problems 10 fold. It's always best for me to take some time alone at those times, but bf and I had a function last night, so I couldn't get away with it. Not to mention, we have so little time left before not seeing each other for three months, I want to spend as much time with him as possible. I could go on and on about the workaholism issue - and the way he prioritizes his life. He claims I'm his priority but I feel like he's confusing "being a priority" with "being important to him". I suggested we focus on being important to each other right now, as the conditions weren't there for us to make each other "priorities". He, instead, argued that I was a priority and that he must be doing something wrong if I don't realize it. sigh. okay, tearing up now. The funniest thing? Right in the middle of this conversation... He took a work-related call. (But, hey, it was urrrr-gent - according to him).
Author Kamille Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 Kamille, I've been through a couple of LDRs, and I honestly think that if you have trouble with lack of time/attention on his part while you're together IRL, an LDR will be next to impossible. I wonder about that. I mean, he's pretty good at keeping appointments, so in a way, I could see things going smoothly while we're LDR precisely because I won't want to spend more time with him than he can offer (simply because it will be impossible). My biggest doubt right now regards the current issues: are the arguments about priorities something we can work on or should we just go our separate ways? I have also been in two LDRs in the past so I do have an idea what to expect.
pandagirl Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I could go on and on about the workaholism issue - and the way he prioritizes his life. He claims I'm his priority but I feel like he's confusing "being a priority" with "being important to him". I suggested we focus on being important to each other right now, as the conditions weren't there for us to make each other "priorities". He, instead, argued that I was a priority and that he must be doing something wrong if I don't realize it. sigh. okay, tearing up now. The funniest thing? Right in the middle of this conversation... He took a work-related call. (But, hey, it was urrrr-gent - according to him). Gosh, I can totally relate. I feel like my boyfriend does the same thing, confusing "priority" with "being important." He always says: "You know how I feel about you. I care about you so much." Fine. But despite working 12-14 hour days, I still need him to show that I am a priority, by doing certain things. I'm not sure what your boyfriend does for a living, but mine is an architect, which means his brain works very logically without a whole lot of introspect or emotion. On the other hand, I am a writer, so...pretty much the opposite! haha. What's been keeping me feel good about my relationship is asking myself, when I am with him, does he make me happy? Is my life better? And, yes, he does. So I know it's worth it.
melodymatters Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I'm a little confused about the prioritizing issue. You are obviously career minded as well. In fact YOU are the one going to Europe for 6 months and then moving 5 hrs away. You know I dearly adore you, but It seems like BOTH of your careers are coming before the R, and as you are not married, thats how it should be I guess.
pandagirl Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 My biggest doubt right now regards the current issues: are the arguments about priorities something we can work on or should we just go our separate ways? I have also been in two LDRs in the past so I do have an idea what to expect. Does it seem like your boyfriend is not going to change? Is this who he inherently is? Is he willing to compromise? I don't think you should give up preemptively, before you leave. See what happens first.
Author Kamille Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 I'm a little confused about the prioritizing issue. You are obviously career minded as well. In fact YOU are the one going to Europe for 6 months and then moving 5 hrs away. You know I dearly adore you, but It seems like BOTH of your careers are coming before the R, and as you are not married, thats how it should be I guess. That's a very good point Melody. . We are discussing long-term strategies to be together in the same town. He also has upcoming travel so in a way our goal is to see how the next year goes and then reevaluate our plans. I did look for opportunities in this town, but nothing came up. The Europe plan was already in the works. We discussed my staying here and waiting for an opportunity, but because he's also career-minded he doesn't want to miss out on something and then resent him. But you're right: he is giving me a lot support and latitude. Hmmm... I need to think about this.
Author Kamille Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 Does it seem like your boyfriend is not going to change? Is this who he inherently is? Is he willing to compromise? I don't think you should give up preemptively, before you leave. See what happens first. I think it is who he inherently is. But, right now, he is juggling a few contracts and activities along with a PhD. At one point we're hoping things will fall into place for him too and that his schedule will be more streamlined.
Author Kamille Posted May 1, 2010 Author Posted May 1, 2010 So I'm feeling better today - but still a bit uneasy. I feel like he's still emotionally detached and if I allow myself, it makes me question a lot of things in the relationship. I guess it could be one of those "elastic theory" moment. He needs space when I need intimacy. I'm going to try and be cool with it, even though I think the timing of all this is terrible. It's possible that he's just trying to prepare for the move in his own way. Yesterday I told him the upcoming move was making me emotional and making me crave closenss. His reply? He wished I wasn't so emotional about it all. I'm so emotional right now that his reply kind of hurt. Whatever, this is my last week in town. Of course, friends are calling in to make sure we get a chance to hang out before I go, so it'll be easy to keep busy...
Author Kamille Posted May 1, 2010 Author Posted May 1, 2010 Blll for the first time since the early stages of this R, I feel like I'm waiting for him to call. I guess my biggest issue is that I assumed we were going to spend more time together since this is my last week here. We do have plans for next weekend: a romantic getaway. To him it's like: okay we're spending next weekend together so that settles that. The rest of the week doesn't need to be different. If anything, he seems to have less time for me. Am I being unreasonable expecting him to be a bit more present this week?
spookie Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 If that's your expectation, I think you need to communicate it. Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with not seeing each other in the next couple of days, since you'll be spending a weekend together. What is a couple more hours together this week going to mean in the long run? You've already discussed staying together, and agreed that you would. You already have plans for the weekend. Sounds like you're feeling insecure because you're over analyzing, not because there is anything obviously wrong.
StalledGirl Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 A talk is needed because it's obvious you both differ on how much you need from each other physically and emotionally. I don't know if his behaviour really has changed or if you are just being over analytical . Do you really want to leave for the other side of the world with so many doubts? I'm not sure how a compromise can be found as you both have busy jobs and will be living apart for six months , but something has to change or it's prolonging the agony.
pandagirl Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 So I'm feeling better today - but still a bit uneasy. I feel like he's still emotionally detached and if I allow myself, it makes me question a lot of things in the relationship. I guess it could be one of those "elastic theory" moment. He needs space when I need intimacy. I'm going to try and be cool with it, even though I think the timing of all this is terrible. It's possible that he's just trying to prepare for the move in his own way. Yesterday I told him the upcoming move was making me emotional and making me crave closenss. His reply? He wished I wasn't so emotional about it all. I'm so emotional right now that his reply kind of hurt. Whatever, this is my last week in town. Of course, friends are calling in to make sure we get a chance to hang out before I go, so it'll be easy to keep busy... This might be his way of dealing with you leaving, or maybe the way he just handles emotions in general. I don't know, because you know him and I don't. Why don't you ask him? But I don't really like the fact that he said he wishes you weren't "so emotional." That would kind of hurt me, too. I remember in the days leading up to my boyfriend's departure, I said to him: 'I might be a little needy right now,' and he said, "Well, I'll just be extra reassuring then." Maybe before you leave, you need to have a serious conversation about what you need from him and also what he needs from you -- what both your expectations are in this LDR and so forth. Are you unsure of how he feels about you? Or are you feeling uneasy about how your relationship dynamic will play out in a LDR?
Ruby Slippers Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 First of all, congrats on the dream job! Next, how old are you, if I may ask? Could you see yourself sticking with this guy for the long haul? Are you compatible enough for that? I ask because I lived in Europe at two different times in my 20s. The first time, when I went to study abroad, I was wrapped up with my boyfriend in the States. I was totally loyal to him and put our relationship first over some amazing opportunities for my career (and with men) in Europe. But looking back, given the fact that our relationship didn't last and I knew it wouldn't, I wish I had been single and unencumbered. I regret missing out on some great experiences for no good reason. The second time, my US boyfriend moved with me, and then when we broke up, I almost immediately got involved with another American. He ultimately wanted me back in the States, and again, I declined some amazing career opportunities and probably cut my time there short for a relationship that did not last. I regret this one less, because I loved him and thought he really was the guy for me, but I do regret it somewhat. So realize that there could be some very big choices in your near future. I agree that it doesn't sound like he's being very sensitive and caring during a difficult time. For me, that would be a worrisome sign. How is such a guy going to treat you when times are really tough?
mammax3 Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Good luck, Kamille. I don't have much to add to what's already been said. Regarding the comment he made wishing you weren't so emotional: You heard the message and interpreted the meaning he attached to it without clarifying and verifying if you received the correct message. It sounds to me as though you heard he wishes you weren't so emotional [since he doesn't feel this is an emotional moment], so to clarify you could ask "When you say that, I hear you don't think this is a sad time or a time when we can cement our bond before we go away - is that what you mean?" You may be surprised by his response, or dismayed. Hopefully he's in touch with his emotional self enough to be able to dialogue about this is an open and enriching way. (FWIW, his comment made me think that he wishes you weren't so emotional because that makes him feel emotional and he doesn't know what to do with those emotions, rather than being uncaring.) mx3
Pink Cupcakes Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Is there talk of marriage? If there hasn't been that, the true commitment on his part isn't there and he isnt really invested....kind of what melodymatters says, you aren't married, so this is how it goes in that situation. I mean doesn't even sound like you're engaged, right? Sorry, I think he is detaching and becoming less and less in love with you as you show your insecurities and clinginess.
Author Kamille Posted May 2, 2010 Author Posted May 2, 2010 Thank you all for your comments and input. I will try to address each point and questions. Spookie, I do think I am (or was) overanalyzing. I've been revisiting the comments I made in regards to Pandagirl's suggestion about struggles to handle uncertainty. I am anxious right now about the future of our relationship and I want him to prove to me that we have nothing to worry about. I realize this isn't healthy, as only I can decide whether I feel secure in this relationship or not. Also, the stress and uncertainty has led me to some pretty black and white thinking where I was looking for "proof" of his devotion. Anyway, I unwittingly got the reassurance I needed yesterday. I went to the gym with a friend yesterday afternoon and forgot my phone on the charger. When I got home he had left me several messages wondering where I was and being all cute about it and how needy he was being. Warped, but it made me feel so much better. Than he showed up, we planned our trip and he spontaneously made plans for various times this week so we could spend as much time together as possible. It's like he finally GOT it now that he finished his last work assignment. So, in a way, I think our schedules for dealing with the upcoming separation were just different. So we haven't had a talk per se (since the two that are mentioned here: me telling him I felt emotional and me kind of losing it with him on Friday). But it does feel like things are a bit more normal. I agree though, that we have to discuss our expectations, both for this week and for the LDR. I'm 34 and this will be my second cross-atlantic LDR. I know it can be hard to understand, but neither one of us would feel good about my missing out on these career opportunities. These are make-it or break-it years in my profession. He also has work to do on his side and will likely travel at one point in the next two years too, so it doesn't make sense for me to put my career on hold for him. A few months ago, I told him he was the first guy in my life for whom I would reconsider my career options. We have discussed this and right now, he really feels I should follow my dreams and we will reevaluate accordingly. Yes, I still wonder about that : "I wish you weren't feeling so emotional" comment and I should clarify it. With hindsight and a couple days of rest, I feel that he meant it as reassurance rather than dismissal of my feelings. As in: "don't be emotional, there is nothing to worry about, we are both on the same page about trying to pull through this". Thanks again for your comments everyone. It really helps to talk about this.
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