The rollercoaster is making sick...

[ConfusedBunny]

I'll try and summarise...need to get this off my chest and get some impartial feedback I guess.

 

We work together and became good friends. He had just come out of a big 7 year relationship mostly due to his own emotional instability (anxiety food issues). He seemed to sort himself out and get stronger and we ended up seeing each other. A week later he freaked and dumped me. Then wanted me back. Then dumped me. Then wanted me back. (etc, this went on for three months) Then bumped into his ex on Christmas eve...then dumped me for her on Christmas Day. Through this he gave me a whole host of reasons, things that were wrong with me, him, his upset about his lost relationship etc. He wasn't ready. Understandable. He hid me from his friends, from work, couldn't be honest about us.

 

Then he wanted me back (NYE), promised it would be different. We went out with a couple of his friends. Which I saw as a huge step. We managed to make it till Valentines Day. At which point he was moving house (out of their old house, she moved out way before), seeing his ex to sort stuff out, sort furniture etc etc. And we broke up on Valentines Day.

 

After that I started trying to date other people. He hooked up with a girl (who had a boyfriend) who I knew through work (lovely!). Then decided he wanted me back again. I told him to get rid of the 'girl' and I'd think about it. He did, and we did. And since then it has been good, different, more open, honest, we told our colleagues about it, his family etc. Still a little edgy, and there are trust issues, because of everything we've been through, but we were working on it and it was starting to come right.

 

All through this he's been keeping in contact with his ex...I understand that she was a big part of her life and despite it hurting me very much (because of Christmas etc) I say I understand if they want to try and be friends, but in my opinion they need some time out first to let the emotional dust settle.

 

Then yesterday he copies me in on an email between him and his friend about some work they're doing. Further down he refers to me as his "sort of" girlfriend, and how brill that is. I get upset, it seems disrespectful after everything, I mention it, he calls me, calms me down, promises to make it up to me, says he didn't mean it and he cares about us and wants to make it work. That he will make it his mission to make it better.

 

I feel awful, I'm upset. It drags back all the horrible doubts and insecurities. So I get in the bath and have a good cry. Then I start worrying, so I text him and ask what he's up to. He replies that he's with his ex talking about her holiday. It's like a bomb just dropped. After everything that she has caused him to do to me...I would have expected him to discuss something like this with me beforehand? I don't feel comfortable with it. It upsets me. A huge amount and I make that clear. He isn't very good at reassuring me, he's obviously commitment phobic to a huge degree so big, scary talks seem to freak him out. But he obviously cares otherwise he wouldn't keep trying, would he?

 

I just don't know how to handle this. I'm not comfortable with him seeing her like that. Not when he can't introduce me to her. Not when a few months ago he left me on Christmas Day for her. She messaged me today, saying she didn't want to come between us but that she wanted to be part of his life as a friend, and that she was TRYING to get over him. I know they broke up for a reason but I feel so utterly threatened by her, they were obviously together a long time and she knows him better than I do, and he values her highly...I just don't feel like I can be No. 1 in his life while she's around, not when it's like this.

 

I just wish he would let go for a little while, let it settle, let her actually actually get over him and vice versa...then try and be friends. And this is what I've said to him, but am I being unfair? He's says thats an 'ultimatum' and he has to think about it. The way I see it, that's normal practise for a breakup anyway? If it's so difficult for him to choose between a future with me and not seeing her for a while while they move on...should I just jump ship and leave them to it?

[Phantom9309]

I read the first real paragraph and I think this ride sucks. Go to a different amusement park.

[ConfusedBunny]

Yeah it's a lot of paragraphs. Sorry about that. :/

[Phantom9309]

No, paragraphs and information is totally fine! I was merely saying that I already knew that this relationship isn't good from one paragraph. So run now!

[ConfusedBunny]

Did you only read the first paragraph?

[Phantom9309]

Yes.

 

Word Limit

[ConfusedBunny]

Fair enough! Thanks for your reply...you may or may not be correct but I'm not sure it's educated advice!

[Phantom9309]

Fine, I did some skimming.

 

I saw stuff about you crying in the bathroom. Something about "sort of gf". Him ditching you for his ex on xmas. Really should I keep going?

 

I have a feeling that he is using you so he can project the way he was treated onto someone else.

 

I live my life in pursuit of happiness. I also wish the same for others and I don't see you being happy if this continues. Find someone else now.

[ConfusedBunny]

He wasn't treated badly his ex, he was treated by his previous ex but that was over 8 years ago. You think he could be projecting how badly he was treated in that relationship onto me?

 

I kind of thought he just commitment issues (from being in two closely consecutive, failed 7 year relationships), and was scared of letting go of the past (his ex), which can be really tough, I know this, but most of us just usually...DO IT. But him moving on from her is not being helped by the fact that she doesn't really want him to move on and he still feels responsible for her feelings (he really hurt her during the break up).

 

I don't think he would cheat on me physically with her, but I do think that she is currently a higher priority to him.

[Phantom9309]

When do you think he'll get closure and actually make you a priority? 1, 3, 5, 10, 20 years down the road? Are you really going to wait and pass up other opportunities to enjoy what a relationship can bring to people's lives?

[Lucky555]

get rid of him. cut contact. don't see him. Seriously it will continue this way because YOU are letting him treat you like this. Emotional rides like this are not fun or healthy.

 

He is keeping you around when things don't work out with someone else. It will be tough but find someone who is "steady" and ready for a relationship.

[ConfusedBunny]

I was kinda hoping...last week. But you've got a point. He's coming round to talk about it tonight...and really I just wanted to know if I was being ridiculous or unreasonable in expecting him not to see her for a while. And whether his reluctance to this means that he really doesn't see a potential future for us... Surely you wouldn't sacrifice a positive potential future with someone in order to hang onto the past with someone you know it doesn't work with...?

 

I don't really want to give up on this yet. I feel like it's been really bad timing for us, and I have already endured so much that I have invested a lot of energy and emotional strength. I'd like to see if we can find a way to resolve this.

[ConfusedBunny]

We have been steady now....for about 5 weeks. And it honestly feels completely different. It's been so much better, so much calmer. Just this...ex-girlfriend business is really upsetting me.

 

Also, we sit next to each other at work...so the whole cutting contact thing is...unlikely.

[Lucky555]

I totally understand the ex thing I recently went through it. Thought things were great between the guy and I. Then I found out he had seen his ex.

 

In my situation he "claimed" he was just friends with her. He said he wanted to remain friends with her since they were friends for many years.

 

The fact is your bf's ex still is TRYING to get over him. The same with the guy I was seeing his ex CONSTANTLY wants him back and he knows this. However, he lied to me by saying she was over him, he doesn't want to get back with her but still keeps her AROUND. The thing is its not healthy for a good, new wonderful relationship to have an EX involved!!!!!!!! IN my case she drove to his place, waited for him for over an hour after he got off work and went out to dinner. WHAT..does this say something? He likes the attention because she dumped him and hes keeping her around..and deep down i know he still has feelings for her (not necessarily enough to get back with her).

 

Seriously some men are complete jerks. Your guy and the guy i was seeing didn't want to let go or have the other person leave their life. Is this healthy for a new relationship, NO! If the guy actually cares, his NEW relationship will take top priority over his ex.

 

I think being friends is fine but you can really tell how serious the guy is just by seeing what he has done...meeting up with an ex and there are still feelings involved. Its not fair to you!!!!!

 

IF you did the same things i bet he would be mad.

 

I was hurting just like you were. I thought things were better but he and i had been dating and then the ex would enter the picture or he would be not ready for a commitment. (ALWAYS EXCUSES!)

 

I had dated other guys but always found my way back to him. So since he saw his ex without telling me I stopped talking to him. I think he knows I am not going to tolerate it and we both are not talking to each other now. I prepared myself for the ending because he was displaying commitment phobic behavior. I saw little signs and was more cautious about letting my feelings get too involved.

 

If you set the guy free and he comes back well you need give him the terms. Be strong. Its ok to let go because the tighter you hang on the more he will treat you wrong and be selfish.

YOU need to VALUE YOURSELF! obviously he is not.

 

He is not considering how you feel!!! He is doing what he wants to do and he is trying to have his cake and eat it too!! Do not take it or you will be far more hurt than you are now. You deserve to have a guy that will treat you wonderfully. You deserve to feel confident and loved.

 

Right now i bet your self esteem is low because of this, you feel you have no control, you love him, confused, and probably upset. Really do you want to live life like this? How many times do you have to put up with this?

 

I'm sure there are more guys who can treat you better. I'm sure he has good qualities but he is CLEARLY not ready to invest himself in a relationship!!!!!!!!!

 

Does it feel like tug of war? not healthy.

 

Listen I got over it. From time to time i think about him but the feelings i feel now are more peaceful. I don't hate him I just know things were not right for him and I at this time and they may not be right at any time.

 

I went online and bought a couple of books instead of thinking about him.

I highly suggest these two books. After reading them it helped me to think more clearly and feel so much better! My self esteem now is higher than when i was just in the process of getting over him. I valued myself but i didn't understand what i was doing wrong. I was not doing anything wrong he just was simply not the right guy to be in a relationship with me.

 

Suggestions of books: "Excuse me your soul mate is waiting" and "love will find you".

 

After reading them i finally understood my feelings better and more about what i wanted. There are exercises you can do in the books and they help also.

 

I hope you understand that you should value yourself and feel wonderful as a person. I'm sure you have a lot of love and laughter to give in a relationship. Don't keep putting yourself through hell. Isn't life stressful enough?

 

Again the more you try to hold onto him the farther you will push him away. The guy you let go of and if he stays is the guy that is right for you.

 

If your going to have the talk with him STATE your needs! Don't try to sugar coat anything or worry about hurting him because you care so much. Think in terms of what you need in order to continue and you need to prepare yourself if things don't go right. If you ever want to be happy in the relationship you need to PUT IT OUT THERE! This may bring you closer than before if he complies or it may not. Prepare yourself for the worst and if things turn out good then enjoy it.

[Lucky555]

another thing since you two are sitting near each other isn't there a way you could move?

 

It makes things much harder.

 

Other suggestions: Go out and have fun. really get back the fun, loving, you.

 

I felt sick too. I was so upset that i wanted to vomit. I couldn't believe what the guy i was seeing did. I really thought this time was better but it was not. Somehow I pulled myself out of it all and feel good now.

 

Read those books! wish someone would have suggested them to me. One day i just got the idea to move on and i figured some reading would help..and it did.

[ConfusedBunny]

Thank you. Is good to hear an opinion from someone who has been through something similar.

 

When we broke up on Valentines...it was mostly my doing. He had gone distant, withdrawn, moody (the usual) and I'd had enough. So I stated that. We dated other people, I engaged more in my social life and after a couple of blips (slept together) managed to distance myself and begin to move on. Then low and behold he was back in the picture. And I resisted...because honestly I really wasn't sure he could deliver on his promises. But I was very clear about my needs and requirements at that point, and didn't rush into anything.

 

I just hadn't counted for the ex thing.

 

If I make an ultimatum, if I demand that he stop being friends with her entirely I will lose him, I know it. He would say he needed to 'think' about it, but never come to a decision, and it will drag on till I lose my mind.

 

My current stance is that if he wants to hang out with her all the time...then he can do what he pleases, it's his life. But I won't hang around if I'm being hurt, so don't expect me to stay. I just don't know if I am being unfair. I don't want to be controlling or possessive, I just wish he would consider my feelings *before* he does something to hurt me, rather than after being told. He should have known.

[spookie]

why would you even consider getting back with someone who dumped you for someone else on xmas day?

 

actually, i understand. in my first relationship, i let him treat me that way. when it was good it was amazing, but every couple of weeks he'd change his mind about what he wanted. the amazing moments ( that and the fact that i loved him) had me coming back.

 

but you know... it didnt work out anyway. of course it didnt! eventually he just stopped coming back.

 

and after years of letting someone treat me that way, i was broken for a very, very long time.

 

i would get out now, before this starts to wear you down even further.

[Lucky555]

why would you even consider getting back with someone who dumped you for someone else on xmas day?

 

actually, i understand. in my first relationship, i let him treat me that way. when it was good it was amazing, but every couple of weeks he'd change his mind about what he wanted. the amazing moments ( that and the fact that i loved him) had me coming back.

 

but you know... it didnt work out anyway. of course it didnt! eventually he just stopped coming back.

 

and after years of letting someone treat me that way, i was broken for a very, very long time.

 

i would get out now, before this starts to wear you down even

further.

 

 

Good point.

 

I understand he wants to be friends. But the ex is not over him! Do you rally want him hanging out with her? What if she changes her mind and wants him back? The guy has no regard for your feelings.

 

Personally if the guy I was seeing wanted to come back again I would say if we are in a relationship then I will be there when you sees your ex. I trust guys but it's the ex that I don trust!People an be very manipulative! Guys tend to think with their other head!

Relationship means we are doing and making plans together. So the guy can be the friend but their hanging out alone I don't like. He would not

Like it if you decided to go out with a male ex wh you had with!

 

Don't tell him he can't see her. Tell him he is in a relationship with you and your friends and his friends are both of yours! Otherwise there is no single events taking place!

 

He is taking you for granted! No guy would be stupid enough to go behind his gfs back and go out with an ex... Unless he is not invested in the relationship or he thinks there will be a possibility of getting back with his ex.