Adunaphel Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 iTrap... you would like both of you to be happy...but *he* sounds more than happy to sacrifice *your* happiness for *his* needs. I second all the valid points made by the other posters. He is acting in an extremely selfish ways. *He* should be the one to have the decency to let you go, since he is not going to leave his W. I have a feeling that if you manage to exit the affair it is only a matter of time before you realize how much this affair is damaging you. I also have a feeling that as soon as you meet the right available guy willing to make you a priority you will really appreciate the difference.
cavedweller Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 iTrap, If you both love one another I don't see any problem..He can divorce his current wife then you two can get married.. cavedweller
Ellin Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 It is ALL about the people in the A. It isn't until someone is starting to force a choice that all of a sudden it is about the family, the children, the history or finances. The one thing that I personally cannot stand in people is the refusal to be accountable for their actions. People who truly put their family, children and spouses first and as a priority, DO NOT GO OUT AND BREAK THEIR MARRIAGE VOWS BY HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER PERSON. People who prioritize their children above all else are with their CHILDREN in their spare time, not their AFFAIR PARTNER. And if they can keep status quo and have their side dish they think why not? What nobody knows won't hurt them. GEL So how was it for you, Lady? (if you don't mind me asking; I don't know your full story) You're now married to your xMM, so I guess you'd say it was worth the pain, so to speak? Did you get advice to get out of the whole thing in the beginning? Did you listen? Did it help in any way?
GreenEyedLady Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 So how was it for you, Lady? (if you don't mind me asking; I don't know your full story) You're now married to your xMM, so I guess you'd say it was worth the pain, so to speak? Did you get advice to get out of the whole thing in the beginning? Did you listen? Did it help in any way? I'm not sure exactly what you mean re: how it was for me. I was a single parent and the reason my now H had his A was because HE wanted to satisfy something in him. To the point of lying about his marital status, etc. I was looking for a serious relationship with someone that I clicked with. I thought he was available. You know the day when it stopped being all about him? Was when he finally made a choice. The day he decided to stop living a lie and make things right. Which does not always equal going back to the M. He chose to end his M because it wasn't like the M that BS's reconcile. It was actually true that he was unhappy and so was she and the D took less than 7 months to finalize. I didn't find out for over a year that he was in fact M. He worked alot of overtime and I was a busy single parent and I was never hidden so I didn't guess. Was it worth it? Of course, I'm married to him, love him dearly and will defend him to my dying day! But, I wish our love story was not at all tarnished. I feel no joy or triumph in the hurt I know his XW felt. I was given the advice to get out and I told people to mind their own business. I rarely posted about my own situation. I found our R suffered when I did. But he was good to me. I was not a dirty secret and we went on dates, saw him on holidays and we had a regular relationship. I didn't settle and when I felt like I was not getting what I wanted and he wouldn't compromise, I broke it off. I loved my H when he was my MM. But I knew that I would be fine without him. I knew that my life would lead me to the next phase no matter what that was and that I would survive and be wiser from it. I think that alot of people make the mistake of posting about their R and then getting mad when people point out the obvious. I would also say that unless your MM makes REAL, OBSERVABLE changes in life, it will not bode well for the OW or the BS. The man has to change. A change in partner but not the man, gives you the same man and a similar outcome. What LS did was give me wonderful friends and a forum me to develop and reflect. My perspective has changed due to my life experience. I have said in many posts what I think OW need to do. Put themselves and their needs first and not allow any man to make her feel unworthy. And I stand by that. My motto was: I can go anywhere, he can just go home. GEL
silktricks Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 I have never felt so torn in my life. If we break up, we will both be miserable, if we stay together we will still be sad, but with some really good days. If he leaves his family,we both will be miserable. Of course we can not be sure for any of the above,but thats the way i see it right now. Although the bolded line above is true - it is true for a finite period of time. You will be miserable, and you will miss him. And I know that you do not want to hear this because frankly you are too young to believe it, but you will also get over him. You may think of him in the future with fondness - and you may think of him with anger - but you won't remain miserable. If you stay together you will be sad with some really good days. But most of your days will be sad and frustrated and spent wanting something you cannot have. If he leaves his family many things will change for both of you - but it sounds to me like he has no intention of leaving. I don't think you can bring yourself to leave him yet, but when you can, the first thing you should do is look for a different job. Working with someone you have a relationship with is generally speaking not a good idea - even when both of you are available. The woman rarely, if ever, gets the good end of the stick if and when things fall apart. Anyway, good luck to you. I hope you don't spend too much of your life waiting for this man.
Ellin Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 I'm not sure exactly what you mean re: how it was for me. I was a single parent and the reason my now H had his A was because HE wanted to satisfy something in him. To the point of lying about his marital status, etc. I was looking for a serious relationship with someone that I clicked with. I thought he was available. You know the day when it stopped being all about him? Was when he finally made a choice. The day he decided to stop living a lie and make things right. Which does not always equal going back to the M. He chose to end his M because it wasn't like the M that BS's reconcile. It was actually true that he was unhappy and so was she and the D took less than 7 months to finalize. I didn't find out for over a year that he was in fact M. He worked alot of overtime and I was a busy single parent and I was never hidden so I didn't guess. Was it worth it? Of course, I'm married to him, love him dearly and will defend him to my dying day! But, I wish our love story was not at all tarnished. I feel no joy or triumph in the hurt I know his XW felt. I was given the advice to get out and I told people to mind their own business. I rarely posted about my own situation. I found our R suffered when I did. But he was good to me. I was not a dirty secret and we went on dates, saw him on holidays and we had a regular relationship. I didn't settle and when I felt like I was not getting what I wanted and he wouldn't compromise, I broke it off. I loved my H when he was my MM. But I knew that I would be fine without him. I knew that my life would lead me to the next phase no matter what that was and that I would survive and be wiser from it. I think that alot of people make the mistake of posting about their R and then getting mad when people point out the obvious. I would also say that unless your MM makes REAL, OBSERVABLE changes in life, it will not bode well for the OW or the BS. The man has to change. A change in partner but not the man, gives you the same man and a similar outcome. What LS did was give me wonderful friends and a forum me to develop and reflect. My perspective has changed due to my life experience. I have said in many posts what I think OW need to do. Put themselves and their needs first and not allow any man to make her feel unworthy. And I stand by that. My motto was: I can go anywhere, he can just go home. GEL I see what you mean. I'm really tired and busy now so I'll just say thank you for replying, it was valuable advice and I'll reaflect on that:)
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