iTrap Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 This is the first time i am writing about this. I am having a really bad day. I have been in a relationship with my MM for a couple of years now. He truley is the love of my life. Im in my late 20's, he is mid 30's with two little kids. Please dont judge, i already did that. He loves me too,i know. I made him the center of my world, im sure its not like that for him (although he says i am very important to him, we are both realistic and we know his center is of course his kids) but i dont want to leave. He doesnt want me to leave either, last time he suggested for us to try and break it off to see how it will be. He promised he will not have contact with me for 5 months if it is neccesary. I told him, the only way for us to not have contact,is for me to leave the city and go back to my hometown or something (we also work together)..He didnt like that option, and forgot about the whole suggestion. We've had our ups and downs, we broke up too for a while(cause of his jealousy, not arranged break up as i described earlier). I simple cannot imagine my world without him. I considered as you can tell, leaving him, cause what i am going through right now is not healthy at all. I just cant find the strength to do it, obviously cause i dont really want to leave. Well im torn. I wanna leave, i dont wana leave. Ive been reading similiar stories about timelines and stuff, but its not fair. I just want for both of us to be happy. I know he is happy with his family and i dont want to take that away cause he will be miserable. If i leave, i will be miserable. Of course you will say, time will make it all go away, but i am almost sure it wont. I know that if i leave, i will be happier than i am now, but i will make someone else's life sad cause i will still be in love with him. Anyways, most of you recognize the situation. I have so many questions but i will bother you with only one this time: If we love them so much, why cant we leave? That question is torturing me really bad these days among other stuff, but the other stuff are just about me and my future life. So, ladies, (and Single men dating MW, of course) why cant we leave? Is the whole "if you love someone so much, you will be able to let him go", all a myth? or am i just too selfish? Thank you for your time, and again, judging me, coming to think of it, is welcomed, cause noone can judge me worse than i judge myself. To all the OW...I wish the best for both "sides".
joey66 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 If i leave, i will be miserable. Of course you will say, time will make it all go away, but i am almost sure it wont. If we love them so much, why cant we leave? So, ladies, (and Single men dating MW, of course) why cant we leave? Does this mean I can't respond? Hmmm ... I surely won't tell you that time will make it go away. It hasn't happened for me yet. I don't have a good answer for your question. If there was a good answer for that question, this board would be superfluous.
Fallen Angel Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 So, ladies, (and Single men dating MW, of course) why cant we leave? Is the whole "if you love someone so much, you will be able to let him go", all a myth? or am i just too selfish? When you love someone you work at making it work, you do not cut and run. However, if you are miserably in love, then it is not healthy for you, and you may need to rethink your relationship. You said that you have made him your world, and that is your first mistake. He should not be the center of your universe, YOU should be the center of your universe. If you want to stay in this relationship, then do so, but open yourself up to the other possiblities that life has to offer. Go out with friends (and even other men), travel, volunteer, get involved in a community improvement project. DO SOMETHING to beter your life that does not involve this MM. Move him from being the center of your universe to being one of the planets that circles your sun (YOU). The second mistake that you have made is allowing him to rule you with jealousy. What right does he have to be jealous? Does he still have sex with his wife? If so, then you are not in a commited relationship, and he has no right to reasonable expectation of fidelity from you. (be it sexual or platonic fidelity) You can go out with whom you chose, and do whatever you want. you hold all the cards. If he does not want you going out with other people, he has a way of stopping that, and that is to change the status of your relationship, and make you his only partner. *shrug* You are giving too much, and getting too little. In time you will have enough of that, and you will either demand more, or will move on. Until then, make yourself the priorty you should be. ((hugs))
bananalaffytaffy Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 You've answered your own question. Selfishness. That's what most affairs are about, right? The MM is selfish by getting his needs met outside the marriage without divorcing first. The OW is selfish by loving a man committed to someone else, and not waiting for that committment to end. So there ya go. You have to determine whether that's what you want for your life. Good luck!
secretlady76 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 If we love them, why can't we leave? Because it isn't just them we love, we also love ourselves, our children and our husbands, so it isn't just about them and it isn't just about us....
whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 You said that you have made him your world, and that is your first mistake. He should not be the center of your universe, YOU should be the center of your universe. 100% agree with this. He has a wife, kids and a life built with someone else. They are his first priority and when push comes to shove he's going to be with them (holidays, birthdays etc). If you choose stay in the affair, then accept things as they are. You're the OW and see him on his terms, his time frame. Settle for second fiddle.. OR, put yourself first, realize that he isn't leaving his wife, he enjoys two women to meet all his needs. Or even better, END IT and get over him, find a guy who can you love and not share, not be hidden and have everything and be proud. Sure he cares about you, maybe loves you alot, but it's not enough for him to walk out on his wife and kids, start over again with you.
MorningCoffee Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 (edited) When you love someone you work at making it work, you do not cut and run. However, if you are miserably in love, then it is not healthy for you, and you may need to rethink your relationship. You said that you have made him your world, and that is your first mistake. He should not be the center of your universe, YOU should be the center of your universe. If you want to stay in this relationship, then do so, but open yourself up to the other possiblities that life has to offer. Go out with friends (and even other men), travel, volunteer, get involved in a community improvement project. DO SOMETHING to beter your life that does not involve this MM. Move him from being the center of your universe to being one of the planets that circles your sun (YOU). The second mistake that you have made is allowing him to rule you with jealousy. What right does he have to be jealous? Does he still have sex with his wife? If so, then you are not in a commited relationship, and he has no right to reasonable expectation of fidelity from you. (be it sexual or platonic fidelity) You can go out with whom you chose, and do whatever you want. you hold all the cards. If he does not want you going out with other people, he has a way of stopping that, and that is to change the status of your relationship, and make you his only partner. *shrug* You are giving too much, and getting too little. In time you will have enough of that, and you will either demand more, or will move on. Until then, make yourself the priorty you should be. ((hugs)) Well said, FA. I also think many people who are in this situation choose not to find the will to end the A even though they "know" it is going nowhere. Then there comes a D-Day, the A is exposed, and the status quo is blown apart. Change comes, but not in the form one wants, expects, or has much influence on. That certainly was my experience, and it seems fairly common on LS, too. Edited April 30, 2010 by MorningCoffee
White Flower Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Anyways, most of you recognize the situation. I have so many questions but i will bother you with only one this time: If we love them so much, why cant we leave? That question is torturing me really bad these days among other stuff, but the other stuff are just about me and my future life. So, ladies, (and Single men dating MW, of course) why cant we leave? Is the whole "if you love someone so much, you will be able to let him go", all a myth? or am i just too selfish? Thank you for your time, and again, judging me, coming to think of it, is welcomed, cause noone can judge me worse than i judge myself. To all the OW...I wish the best for both "sides". My goodness, you're so young! I really don't like seeing such young OW because their MM is robbing them of their reproductive years. As an older OW I didn't have to worry about this but I'd hate for you to cling onto him and never get children out of it. Worse, you could have kids with the love of your life but he'd never be a full time father to them. If it were me, and I don't know if your sadness is outweighing your happiness, but I would TRY to find a SG to live your life with. If this R with MM is meant to be then you'll find each other later. This happened to my neighbor and she's enjoying her MM after a 30 yr absence. Not saying it will happen for you, but if it's just as strong on both sides then it could. And who knows? If you leave you may just push him off the fence. He's young enough to start over, that's for sure.
alg24 Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Hey... Running out the door... Will write more later Listen, I am 21... Start my A with a MM when I was 19! He 36 at the time (now 38) It lasted 2 1/2 years and he has young children.. It hurts like HELL. But I will be blunt.. Your MM has a family... Children... You are SOOO young. Do you want to waste your precious youth on this MARRIED man??? My MM is in the middle of a divorce. Honestly, he hates me (because he associates me with the divorce) but in the same token he cannot keep away because I have been a steady semi-positive thing in HIS life. I finally had enough.. It hurts like hell... I could not sleep, eat, was VERY depressed. And we lived together for awhile BUT it gets better. The last two years I did NOT date and obtained enough baggage to last me awhile... YOU ARE SO YOUNG! Start NO CONTACT. Let yourself heal. Mourn it like a death but please move on! You will be SOOO much happier at the end. You need to find someone younger, without so much baggage, and wants to start a family with YOU. Part of it can be selfish but also being so young its hard to think of the future. We tend to live more in the moment and think with our hearts... You are not a bad person... I live in a VERY small town with my MM but we were apart 6 months out of the year (seasonal town).. The distance helps.. Try to put some space between you guys... And the time you spend with him fill it in with other activities... Be strong!
GreenEyedLady Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 If we love them, why can't we leave? Because it isn't just them we love, we also love ourselves, our children and our husbands, so it isn't just about them and it isn't just about us.... It is ALL about the people in the A. It isn't until someone is starting to force a choice that all of a sudden it is about the family, the children, the history or finances. The one thing that I personally cannot stand in people is the refusal to be accountable for their actions. People who truly put their family, children and spouses first and as a priority, DO NOT GO OUT AND BREAK THEIR MARRIAGE VOWS BY HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER PERSON. People who prioritize their children above all else are with their CHILDREN in their spare time, not their AFFAIR PARTNER. And if they can keep status quo and have their side dish they think why not? What nobody knows won't hurt them. GEL
Author iTrap Posted May 1, 2010 Author Posted May 1, 2010 Omg, so many answers, and all good.Thank you very much! I had a problem with my net, but i started to wrtite an answer down when the responses were only two. So i'll paste that one on and then try to figure out the other stuff i would like to say on your other responses. First reply: First of all ,thanks for your fast replies, it helped even knowing someone answered..(yes,its that kind of bad day) To joey66, assuming you are a MM in love with a MW , or the other way around, you were'nt high in my "list" (lol about the list i made xD) cause i think its different for the Married ones. Probibaly,worse, but i really dont know. Im guessing, its "easier" to leave your lover when you already have a home to go to. Of course, as i said, i havent been there, so im just guessing. I will be happy to discuss your situation, it really interests me, the feeling of being trapped in your own life, but with other people to think of too and the feeling of probably being in love with two people at the same time. (((joey66)) To Fallen angel, You are so right..Im in the process of trying to do stuff for myself now, but routine is a horrible lifestyle. Im not trying too hard, i just dont know how. All my friends have left and its hard to make new ones. Of course you know about the "being available" for him part, but thats the thing i need to get over. I only told you about his jealousy..my jealousy is either at the same level, or even worse. I just dont go breaking up with people when i get jealous. He did He tells me he is not sleeping with his wife. Im trying not to believe that, its just that his wife seems to be still in love with him, so i really dont know what to believe. I was also diagnosed with ocd ,rocd more maybe, but i havent started my medication yet. (today is day 1) So i think the medication will calm down the thinking and i will be able to function better. and of course im hoping my irrational distrust thoughts will be gone and i will be left with the rational ones. Im thinking of first, asking him how he really sees me. Is he happy in his marriage or is that just me being jealous? Is he not leaving (if he is unhappy ) because i am here and showed him that i will always be? or is he attached too much in all the ways with his family? I know it is hard to leave a family , even if you are not happy. I want us to take the right decision.. If he wants to stay, ok. I will have to know what is he expecting from me. He has told me that he probably will stay, and he says he feels responsable for me, i do not deservere this. But as myself, he doesnt have the "b*lls" to leave me.. I dont like the phrase "if he loved you, he would be with you", i can not imagine someone leaving his family that easy. So although the phrase has a truth in it, it only applies for other kinds of relationships. Or maybe relationships where kids are not involved. I cant understand for example , the MM who stayed married childless. The phrase applies there. I have never felt so torn in my life. If we break up, we will both be miserable, if we stay together we will still be sad, but with some really good days. If he leaves his family,we both will be miserable. Of course we can not be sure for any of the above,but thats the way i see it right now. He once told me " i wsh i never met you", got me mad until i hoped the same..but for all the good reasons,and bad...well oh my gosh you know how the hot/cold feeling is like in this situation. that was my first reply, now that i've read it again it kinda answers some of the questions posted after i last logged in . But as a chatter i am, i will discuss the rest too..And yes, that is a threat thank you again for your support
White Flower Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 It is ALL about the people in the A. It isn't until someone is starting to force a choice that all of a sudden it is about the family, the children, the history or finances. The one thing that I personally cannot stand in people is the refusal to be accountable for their actions. People who truly put their family, children and spouses first and as a priority, DO NOT GO OUT AND BREAK THEIR MARRIAGE VOWS BY HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER PERSON. People who prioritize their children above all else are with their CHILDREN in their spare time, not their AFFAIR PARTNER. And if they can keep status quo and have their side dish they think why not? What nobody knows won't hurt them. GEL I must agree. The kids didn't seem to be the priority in the AP's bed so why is it suddenly a priority when one of them wants more? And why can't the priority include the kids moving into the new R/M?
Author iTrap Posted May 1, 2010 Author Posted May 1, 2010 I must agree. The kids didn't seem to be the priority in the AP's bed so why is it suddenly a priority when one of them wants more? And why can't the priority include the kids moving into the new R/M? Although i'd love to agree with this, i...partly..can't...I understand why people can't leave their families. The only ones i can't understand is the abusives relationships. I will never understand why they stay. But for the "normal" relationships,well, a change like that isnt really good for the kids. On the other hand, if the parents are miserable and it shows, then it would be better off with a divorce. When i was 12 i asked my father why is he still married with my mom,cause,well..in a few words,not the perfect match. I told that to my MM,so he could understand that the kids sometimes are the ones who ask for a divorce. Its hard to tell it to a 7 year old though,or even younger.. As i have seen life so far, not so objective , but realistic enough, no marriage is perfect.. So if you are in a marriage where you love your partner like a brother or sister, you can still make discisions together and in general you are happy,except for the sexual part,which come to think of it is the 'selfish part'...well then, why leave? How many couples do you guys know that are married for years and are truly happy and commited to each other 100%? How many couples do you know who have not cheated on each other even once?
White Flower Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Although i'd love to agree with this, i...partly..can't...I understand why people can't leave their families. The only ones i can't understand is the abusives relationships. I will never understand why they stay. But for the "normal" relationships,well, a change like that isnt really good for the kids. On the other hand, if the parents are miserable and it shows, then it would be better off with a divorce. When i was 12 i asked my father why is he still married with my mom,cause,well..in a few words,not the perfect match. I told that to my MM,so he could understand that the kids sometimes are the ones who ask for a divorce. Its hard to tell it to a 7 year old though,or even younger.. As i have seen life so far, not so objective , but realistic enough, no marriage is perfect.. So if you are in a marriage where you love your partner like a brother or sister, you can still make discisions together and in general you are happy,except for the sexual part,which come to think of it is the 'selfish part'...well then, why leave? How many couples do you guys know that are married for years and are truly happy and commited to each other 100%? How many couples do you know who have not cheated on each other even once? Well you're talking about having the ability to fake it for the kids sake. Sure, 'brother and sister' who are M to each other can make rational decisions together for thier kids but so can two D'd people who hate each other. There are many lessons to learn in life for children and D can be one of them. And there are many other selfish parts to M besides sexual ones. How about the need to control money? Or how much time to spend with his parents versus yours? At least 50% of all M have had one partner cheat and those are reported stats but that doesn't mean most of those M's stayed together for the kids' sake. In most states the D rate is 50% and in others it is at 60%. You do the math.
Author iTrap Posted May 1, 2010 Author Posted May 1, 2010 My goodness, you're so young! I really don't like seeing such young OW because their MM is robbing them of their reproductive years. As an older OW I didn't have to worry about this but I'd hate for you to cling onto him and never get children out of it. Worse, you could have kids with the love of your life but he'd never be a full time father to them. If it were me, and I don't know if your sadness is outweighing your happiness, but I would TRY to find a SG to live your life with. If this R with MM is meant to be then you'll find each other later. This happened to my neighbor and she's enjoying her MM after a 30 yr absence. Not saying it will happen for you, but if it's just as strong on both sides then it could. And who knows? If you leave you may just push him off the fence. He's young enough to start over, that's for sure. Young...doesnt feel like that sometimes.. I was never very fond about having kids, not totally negative, but i've always wanted it to be perfect. As i mentioned on another post, i come from a family where my parents were not in love.Never. I wish i could say that me and my brother turned out ok,but i would lie. It affected us like hell. They were not living together,but they never got a divorce. Bottom line is , i dont want to have children if i cant even at least start a family on the right basis. Starting a family with love doesnt promise a happy ending, but what end does one have without it? How can i comprimise for less? How can i start something with someone new, when i know it will probably be old before it begins? The come out you added at the end is real comforting about us finding each other later. I have thought about that alot of times. It actually was a procedure i put my mind through whenever i was going through a break up. A week after the break ups though, i always laughed at the thought of "finding" my ,then, ex's later on.It's not like that this time. Even back then (with my other relationships) when i thought "we will be together after years", i knew i was lying to me and just trying to make me feel better. This time i do believe that if we break up we will find each other somehow. And no, i have never said "this time is different" in any other of my relationships.. One thing about me is i am an honest person,specially when it comes to me. Even with the children subject above, i know im trying to convience myself that i will be better off without any.. This whole A brought out the lying me..Different story though. I know you already hate me and my long posts I'm sorry ,but it's the first time i have found so many people who understands all this, and i dont have to really "hide"....in a way ayways xD
Author iTrap Posted May 1, 2010 Author Posted May 1, 2010 Sure, 'brother and sister' who are M to each other can make rational decisions together for thier kids but so can two D'd people who hate each other. There are many lessons to learn in life for children and D can be one of them. This part is what got me...You are right. Im hiding from the reality you explained for the same reason i bet most are. We are used to it. We are taught that divorces are a bad thing. It must be printed in our DNA that "divorces are bad for the kids"... and when the word kids is mentioned everyone is over-sensitive. You are right. I should 've known better, comming from a "better-off-divorced-family-but-never-did". In my country, the big "D" ...well its still big...
White Flower Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 This part is what got me...You are right. Im hiding from the reality you explained for the same reason i bet most are. We are used to it. We are taught that divorces are a bad thing. It must be printed in our DNA that "divorces are bad for the kids"... and when the word kids is mentioned everyone is over-sensitive. You are right. I should 've known better, comming from a "better-off-divorced-family-but-never-did". In my country, the big "D" ...well its still big... I understand that. I D'd a man from one of those countries:laugh:. And my kids are doing GREAT!
Author iTrap Posted May 2, 2010 Author Posted May 2, 2010 To top it all, im watching an episode of Desperate Housewives..Its the one where 2 of them find out their husbands are cheating...lol When will us humans understand that our "brain" is much ahead of our instincts. I hate it when (mostly men) use the "men are not monogamous beings" excuse,but come to think of it, all human beings still are'nt monogamous. All of this confusion around "till death do us part" and affairs,i think its just the transitional stage of our instincts trying to cope with our brains and culture. Just a theory. Ok so it turned out 1 of the housewives was being cheated on ,the other just found out her husband has another kid, but still im gonna stick with my theory :> Dont ya love those countries?
bentnotbroken Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 It is ALL about the people in the A. It isn't until someone is starting to force a choice that all of a sudden it is about the family, the children, the history or finances. The one thing that I personally cannot stand in people is the refusal to be accountable for their actions. People who truly put their family, children and spouses first and as a priority, DO NOT GO OUT AND BREAK THEIR MARRIAGE VOWS BY HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER PERSON. People who prioritize their children above all else are with their CHILDREN in their spare time, not their AFFAIR PARTNER. And if they can keep status quo and have their side dish they think why not? What nobody knows won't hurt them. GEL I absolutely love this response and I agree with it 100%. Excellent post.
bentnotbroken Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 To top it all, im watching an episode of Desperate Housewives..Its the one where 2 of them find out their husbands are cheating...lol When will us humans understand that our "brain" is much ahead of our instincts. I hate it when (mostly men) use the "men are not monogamous beings" excuse,but come to think of it, all human beings still are'nt monogamous. All of this confusion around "till death do us part" and affairs,i think its just the transitional stage of our instincts trying to cope with our brains and culture. Just a theory. Ok so it turned out 1 of the housewives was being cheated on ,the other just found out her husband has another kid, but still im gonna stick with my theory :> Dont ya love those countries? :bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:Monogamous here. And loving every minute of it.
White Flower Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 :bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:Monogamous here. And loving every minute of it. Bent, are you in a relationship? I actually spelled it out I'm so excited!
bentnotbroken Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Bent, are you in a relationship? I actually spelled it out I'm so excited! No way!!!!!!!!!:laugh:I meant in my marriage.
Got it Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 No way!!!!!!!!!:laugh:I meant in my marriage. That isn't a relationship???? Or is that in the past tense?
VelveteenBunny Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Green eyed lady, I get what you're saying to a degree, but don't agree entirely. For one thing, the AP aren't 100% priority, or else the OW/OM would get everything they wanted and the BS and kids never would. Instead, the BS and the OW/OM both get overlooked for the other one at times. True, the BS doesn't have as much say in this situation, but they are placed first in some situations. Neither the BS or OW/OM get all they would in a "normal" relationship. Also the MM/MW don't always do what they want to do because of the kids or BS, so they are factored in. Also, as for spending time with the kids, I get what you're saying, but there's a lot to consider before using blanket statements. When the MM/MW has spare time, it might not even be possible to spend all of it with the kids depending on how the kid's schedules and MM/MW's schedules synch up. Some people work at night and their kids are at school in the day and their spouse might even be working in the day. I know homes where one parent does night shift, one day shift, and kids are in class in the day. Also, do the kids have extracurricular activities? With all of that aside, kids don't want to spend 100% of their spare time with their parents. Yes, they DO want time with them and need it, but they also like to spend time with their friends alone, at a certain age they date, and as a kid, I wanted some alone time. So, while kids are over at their friends house or old enough to be out on a date, it's not taking time from them to be gone yourself. Also, many married people spend some time with their friends, or some time alone on hobbies, or some time with their spouse, etc., so they don't give 100% of their free time to their kids, but people tend not to chastize them unless it's excessive. Plus, how old are the kids? Are they adults that have moved out or....? That makes a diff., too. With that said, if a person has free time they could spend with their kids and spends so much of it with AP they're neglecting their kids, that is messed up and not right. Still, it doesn't make divorce better necessarily. If they divorced, it might mean they'd have even less time for the kids.
awkward Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 It is ALL about the people in the A. It isn't until someone is starting to force a choice that all of a sudden it is about the family, the children, the history or finances. The one thing that I personally cannot stand in people is the refusal to be accountable for their actions. People who truly put their family, children and spouses first and as a priority, DO NOT GO OUT AND BREAK THEIR MARRIAGE VOWS BY HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER PERSON. People who prioritize their children above all else are with their CHILDREN in their spare time, not their AFFAIR PARTNER. And if they can keep status quo and have their side dish they think why not? What nobody knows won't hurt them. GEL Agree. If they truly put their family first they would not be MM.
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