ALombard Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 So I'm having a slight moment of weakness here. I posted a few threads on the coping page if you want to know my situation. Anyway I just have a question. My ex whom I was with for 4 1/2 years told me about 2 weeks ago that we needed to take time apart because she wanted me to figure out if I wanted to be with her. When I told her a few days later that I did she denied me saying she didn't feel I took enough time to think about it and she was afraid we'd fall back into our usual cycle (she works hard to get me back when I'm not 100% into and vice versa). Anyway, a few days after the being denied we broke up. I sent her a malicious text after a phone call where she did nothing but shut me down when I tried to talk to her about us because she was going to a party. Didn't talk for the weekend, I apologized on Sunday night through text and she called me the next morning saying she didn't want to ever see or talk to me again and that the guy she met 3 weeks ago who was JUST A FRIEND she now had a feelings for, but later that day we hung out for a few hours just having drinks and talking. Usual thing happened after that day, I got emotional and stuff and...well everyone knows the back and forth that happens. Anyway on a whim I told her that I wanted to marry her. Her reply was "I would like that one day" I did it again a few days later and she said "One day" and as of yesterday we agreed to do NC because we needed to get over eachother, we told eachother we still loved eachother and always will. A few days ago she started dating this new guy she barely know by the way. My question is, the marriage thing...does her response warrant any kind of hope for me? I know it sounds dumb but I pretty much let go of the relationship after today because I realized I'm not in love with the all week partying, skipping school, losing a job girl she has become I was in love with the in school, working full time, going to classes to become a nurse girl she was when we met. So yeah, anyone have an answer?
Author ALombard Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 Seriously why don't you people say anything? I mean the thread ends with "anyone have an answer" come on I don't post these things to be ignored.
EthanH Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 um, ok, here goes... I have never had a girl say to me that she wants to get married to me one day. But I think I can say that it sounds to me like she just isn't sure. I know marriage is a big thing. But in a way, it's like saying to someone, would you like to have a big house or a flash car in the future...and the reply would be 'maybe one day'... it is the reply of a dreamer, someone who isn't ready to give up the thought that maybe she has had before of being with you. I think it is safe to say that if you have been together for 4+ years, she will have thought about marriage, and that is such a big thought to let go of. The truth is, maybe she has gone off the rails a bit. But you would expect that. People who make decisions to get out of relationships due to their own life circumstances (ie i'm not sure, ie i have been with you for so long, could it be better with someone else?)...don't hate their ex, they don't stop missing them, they are basing their actions completely on rational thought, but that doesn't mean they don't still feel emotional. Put it this way, if she goes away, and is happy doing this casual thing... and never comes back, what does it say about your 4 year relationship? It says she wasn't ready. So do you really want to be with someone who isn't ready? If she comes back, then great. I think it will hit her that she doesn't get what she took for granted from you (the real pure companionship etc)... and when it does, it just depends on if she sees she could get that from another guy from another long term relationship, or you...
Author ALombard Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 Thanks Ethan. Yeah it's been a short time since all this started unfolding, 2 weeks. But I've just about let go of the relationship. She has done this twice before (leaving me because I'm a "uncaring" person that treats her 2nd best) which I really didn't try to do. Just after the first time she dumped me, lied to me about being with someone else, and basically used me as a door mat for a few months it was really hard each time she wanted to come back for me to FULLY commit and I told her that plenty of times. I just needed time to come to terms with her jumping in and out of our relationship and seeing other guys in between or I wouldn't have been fully in our completely commited relationship. Maybe I was immature on that part but I felt like putting a title to what we had would've just put more pressure on things, kinda like getting married. So yeah I'm not really wanting or hoping she comes back it's just being in the relationship for SO long it's hard for me to understand what she's saying. I'm just way to jaded when it comes to her.
DustySaltus Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 When she's says "One Day" what she is really saying is this: "I'm going to continue to jump in and out of the realtionship and see what's out there because I know at the end of the day you are always going to be there for me. I may want to get married to you one day but first I want to see if I can get out there and see if the grass is greener and explore my options". I think that when she told you to "take time" to see if you really want to be with her it was all part of a plan on her part. If you waited too long to give her a response she would say, "Well, if you really loved me you would've said something sooner". Or like she said, "You didn't take enough time to really think about it therefore your decision is not genuine". Either way you can't win. She's just trying to make herself look like the victim. So how should you respond to someone who treats you this way after 4 years.....disappear. I know you feel like crap right now. Trust me, I've been there. But you need to put the focus back on yourself. Cut off all contact with her, take a step back and rationalize what is going here. Does someone who truly loves you and cares about you do something like this....3 weeks after a breakup? You know the answer to that. Read the guide in my signature and understand that anything less than her coming back to you and saying, "I made a huge mistake, i'm sorry for my actions and willing to do whatever it takes to make things work" is pointless. "I miss you, I'm thinking about you" are all empty words at this point. Look at her actions not her words, take a step back and focus on your needs.
mickleb Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Seriously why don't you people say anything? I mean the thread ends with "anyone have an answer" come on I don't post these things to be ignored. Funny because rudeness like this is exactly the sort of thing that most will choose to ignore.. (What is it the recent spate of belligerent new posters on here? Just because you're hurting, doesn't mean you get to behave like a tosser - sheesh!) Good thing I'm feeling kind today, huh? Sounds as though both of you are behaving immaturely. She has been very sly with how she's slipped out of the relationship and you fell for it, I'm afraid. I can see how a proposal could come out of sheer desperation but it's not really the ideal, eh? Do the suggested to accept and move on from your loss, here, take a bit of time to learn what healthy communication within a relationship should sound like and you'll soon see that you've dodged bullet with this one.
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