Bramble Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I met my Husband 9 years ago and this year we will be celebrating our second wedding anniversary. We do both want children, we both knew as soon as we met each other that we had both found 'the one' and he even wrote me a letter after we had been together a couple of years, which I cherish/torture myself with dependant on what way you look at it that said he couldn't wait til we had a baby and wished we had the money to have one then (he was at Uni and I had only just started my first job) a few months after this we bought a house together but then I hit a really bad patch of depression and we split up for circa 8 months, I think that whilst my anti-depressants took away alot of the depressive side of me they effected the rest of my feelings too but with the benefit of hindsight I think we needed that break and my Husband has said sine that he feels the same and that it has ultimately made us stronger. 3 years on from getting back together my Husband proposed and we were married a year later and here we are 2 years on. knowing our mutual feelings about babaies and how we have always said to each other that we can't wait to have them, we never really discussed the whole baby thing before we got married and based on the length of time we had been together, how strong our relationship is and how much we love each other I guess I (wrongly) presumed that a little while after we were married we would start trying for a family, I certainly didn't feel the need to discuss it. I have been ready to have his baby for a LONG time, I get incredibly broody and ache to have his baby, I love my Husband so much and the natural step for me now is to have his baby but my Husband says he does want my baby but he isn't ready yet, when I probe him about this he says he thinks we are too young (he is 27 and I am 25 and will turn 26 this year) I don't accept this argument as age is a number, there is no right time to have a baby but I do realise you have to be ready for one or else it won't work so right now I am stuck in a catch 22 - I am getting incredibly cut up about things but I know he isn't ready. I quit my job a few weeks ago as I wasn't enjoying it but truth be told, i was such an emotional wreck over the baby thing and I was struggling to cope, I think if I had stayed I would have had a breakdown. If I enjoyed my job maybe it would have taken my mind off the baby thing, I've done alot of thinking and grieving the past few weeks, which sounds daft I know as I haven't lost anything and we will have a baby 'one day', I am going to look for a new job soon, my Husband and family have said take a break cos they think my old job burnt me out but it was a combination of major job dissatisfaction and major baby wish unfulfilled factor. I know my next job has to be something I love so I can push the baby longing to one side but I have become such a wreck I worry whether these two elements of my life will ever fulfil me. I love my Husband and wouldn't swap him for the world, I wrote him a letter about how I felt and he seemed a little upset alot relieved and just hugged me and said thanks - not quite the reaction I was hoping for but then I don't know what I hoped to achieve and I think I maybe worded it too much for what he would want to hear such as I know he isn't rejecting me and I am feeling better equipped to cope/handle the situation (we have had many rows and I have cried many tears over this) Sorry to ramble but I am at such a loose end - aside from this one crucial, heart ache element of our relationship we have the most amazing relationship ever but this is really effecting me and I need someone elses perspective, I feel I can't talke to any of my friends or family about this, although I have mentioned it very briefly in conversation with my Mum where I ended up in tears but nobody really knows how this is effecting me right now.
sb129 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Honestly Bramble, take a breath. Your H is right in a way- there is no rush right this second, you DO have time on your side- 25 is not too late to have a baby. There is no "right" time to have a baby, thats true, but if one of you doesn't feel ready, thats just as important to consider. If your H doesn't feel ready, his feelings are just as valid as yours are- thing is, you need to talk to eachother to decide whether you can meet in the middle. You should talk to your H, tell him how you feel. Tell him you are anxious to become a mother, but that you appreciate he doesn't feel ready yet. Ask him when he thinks he would feel happier about discussing it again. Ask if he would he be ready to reassess things by the end of the year? what is it about becoming parents that is concerning him?- you never know there might be something he is worried about that you haven't considered. I am 32 and had my first child a week before my 32nd birthday. Having a baby is wonderful- but a HUGE life changing experience, and while some people never feel "ready", pushing them into making a decision about something as big as this is dangerous territory.
doublescorpio Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 HI, all I can say is that your husband is probably really enjoying this 'baby free' phase in your life right now and doesn't want to see it go away yet. You are both pretty young still, and life really really changes with a baby. I am sorry to sound like a broken record, but even something like deciding to go out one evening for a drink together on a whim will change when you have a baby. Heck, even just going to the grocery store will change. When you think about it, a child brings about all sorts of 'inconveniences' for a person not yet ready to have one. I have dreams of things I will do as a family once I have a baby, but right now me and my partner love deciding at 9pm on a weeknight that we want to go for a beer. My advice to you is to get a pet. Seriously, it helps. Whenever I feel the need to 'mother', I go do it to my babies (AKA cats and rabbits). I treat them like animals and not humans, but it fulfills my desire to meet the needs in a creature's life and dote on them. Many people have told me after seeing me work with my animals and their pets that I will make a great mother, the comment is a bit laughable but at the same time I show traits in my care of them that are giving me experience for how it will feel to have a child. Even having animals in the house can be a major inconvenience so it is great preparation for my future child. It will also help you to make a list of reasons why you want to have a baby so badly. Certain red flags may show up, like the feeling of wanting to feel 'needed' or depended on. That feeling in particular usually has more to do with a self identity issue than true maternal feelings. Anyway that is a whole conversation on itself but I hope this helped some.
sb129 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I second the idea of getting a pet, what a great idea Scorpio. We got our puppy when I was pregnant, and it was brilliant "practice" at being parents. In some ways, she was HARDER than having a baby at the very beginning, but is much easier now. Its like having 2 babies... except one gets toilet trained within a month! Its another being for you to care for, and its something you can do together. And when you do have a baby, they can be buddies the way my dog and my daughter are.
xxoo Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 my Husband says he does want my baby but he isn't ready yet, when I probe him about this he says he thinks we are too young (he is 27 and I am 25 and will turn 26 this year) I don't accept this argument as age is a number, there is no right time to have a baby .. Have you asked him, specifically, what he feels is a good age to have a baby? If his reason is "too young", when he feels will be old enough? Or is it specifically a maturity issue? Not a specific age, but a specific point of maturation and responsibility? If so, what factors, as a couple, would make him feel ready? I think if you had some concrete answers about when he will be ready, and his ideas are reasonable to you, you will be able to let go of some of your angst and enjoy this child-free time with your H. Also, if the milestones he sets come and go and his attitude doesn't change, you'll know that there is something else going on--more issues to explore. Issues won't go unnoticed. On another note, how old were you when you bought a house together?? I'm doing the math and calculation 18 and 20ish??? That's super young! Do you think maybe he felt rushed to grow up, and that is contributing to his need to delay children (more responsibility)?
You Go Girl Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 You need better communication on this issue. That you wrote him an emotional letter, and he responded with thanks... that's not communication. Communication is sitting down and discussing it looking into each other's eyes, not too emotional, not too short and non-revealing of responses. (The first probably your offense, the second his.) As poster before me said, you need a concrete time frame on when he feels he would feel ready. You also need to know why he doesn't feel ready yet. Why? And you need to ask for this information in a non-pushy manner, or this will blow up on you. The job issue is a huge one with many men. They fear their wife no longer working and they carry too much stress with all financial responsibility on their shoulders alone. You're reacting too emotionally about this, and with a history of depression, it probably scares him. Relax. Make plans together, on a time frame that you decide together. Don't view it as your desire, view it as a desire that the two of you must agree on for it to work out. Put aside desiring on your own, without his half of the equation taken into consideration. You're so young! Don't fret--you have almost two decades of child bearing years left.
Iconoclast Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Yeah, slow down. If he's not ready, it's not time. I had my first when I was 38 (wife 31), I was ready, second at 42. Would do it the same again. Had plenty of time to enjoy our lives as a couple and now as a family. Enjoy your life as a couple until you're both ready.
allina Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 It sounds like your and your hubby got together at a young age and have been through a lot together. How are you doing with your depression now? Did you discus things with your husband before you quit your job? In my opinion, suddenly becoming a one income family, with the wife on the verge of an emotional breakdown is NOT a good time to have a baby. Why don't you work on yourself and your health before having a baby? I'm a woman, but if I was in your husband's shoes there is no way I would feel comfortable having a baby. He's the only one working, his wife is emotionally unwell, that's to much pressure and uncertainty!
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