Els Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Now, this isn't another 'I have a good guy but I just don't have such strong feelings for him anymore' thread. I have a good guy, yes. He's still faithful, honest, cares about me, etc. And I still love him. But I still long for the person he was before... how he treated me in the first year of the relationship. It isn't that he's a bad bf now, but he was literally 'the perfect' bf then. I'm not looking at it through rose-tinted glasses either - I can objectively recall and say that he said and did a lot of things then that he doesn't now. The realistic part of me tells me that that wasn't a sustainable state, because nobody can be so unselfish ALL the time - some of the things he did for me then at his own expense were literally mind-boggling. But the romantic part of me still yearns for that. For the guy who was so in love with me that he spent all night working on a picture for me, for the guy who gave up all his entertainment to sit with me and support me through my long hours of studying for an important finals, for the guy who unhesistatingly paid 5k that he didn't really have to see me for 2 weeks. As for me? I don't think I've changed in that sense - I still do and say the things I did then. But granted I never really did a lot in the beginning, because it was he who wanted me first and he who pursued me. He really put all of his heart and soul into it and more, and I really miss all of that. I suppose I'm like the kid who dined on caviar and foie gras in her childhood and then had to grow up and face the real world. I still love him and I want this to work, but I just keep comparing him to the guy he was before and finding him lacking - because really, most humans would be lacking.
sb129 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 E- I have been pondering a similar thing lately re: H and I. Our life is SO different to how it was when we first got together, and in some ways I feel we are closer, but in others I feel like we aren't always travelling the same path any more. We have very different interests now, and we both seem to crave time alone rather than time together. I think much of this has to do with having a baby and both working more than actually disliking eachothers company. Point is- things DO change, and lots of couples don't get through the loss of the honeymoon period. Ours is definitely over, and I think this is what people mean when they say marriage can be hard work- overcoming the loss of the honeymoon period and adjusting big changes or even just to your life together as a more "comfortable" couple. We have decided we need to "date" more, and are making an effort to actually get a baby sitter and go out together rather than just spend each evening together in front of the TV. We are also making an effort to do things as a family. AND we have decided that we have to make time for sex. Sounds terrible, but we need to. Maybe you guys could try the "date night" thing?
Lauriebell82 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I agree with sb-there is a point in the relationship where you aren't fawning over each other anymore. Relationships change, as do people. My theory is that in the beginning there isn't really "committment" yet, therefore both parties are trying to impress the other and keep them interested. Then when it becomes serious and you assume the person isn't going anywhere then the true colors come out because you no longer have to impress them anymore in order for them to stay. sb has a good idea with the "date night." Fiance and I really have been trying to do that. We live together and it's kind of to the point where all we do is lay around and watch tv and/or talk about wedding stuff. My suggestion would be to try and get back to the "dating" part of your relationship. While I know you can't rewind your relationship, try to do things that you did do when you were in the honeymoon phase. Like do something special for him. Make him a nice candlelit dinner or take him out to dinner. Try to make time just to say "i love you."
allina Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 OP, I don't feel like you're being completely realistic. You want your bf to continue with these huge, unselfish gestures, often at his expense while you do very little. That doesn't sound like a healthy, connected relationship. Love isn't about constant sacrifices, it's about enjoying each other. Focus on what you like to do together not just what you like him to do for you. I have been with my SO for close to 4 years. We own a house together, we're planning a wedding and he has a demanding job. Sometimes we do end up just end up plopping down on the couch to have dinner and some wine but we enjoy that. I enjoy talking to him about his day, his opinions and ideas. He interest me. Are you no longer interested in your SO? Date night is also great, and I'm not talking about dinner at the Olive Garden. Try new things together, go to events, take day trips, go on hikes, try kayaking, go to a baseball game, buy him tickets to go see a band he likes, take part in a charity run, check out an art gallery. Keep building memories as a couple and expanding your own horizons.
jenifer1972 Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Pick up the book "Mating in Captivity". A good thought provoking read on this subject.
mem11363 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 E, Do you think his over the top passion faded all by itself OR do you think that he gradually started asking himself why he should continue with the grand gestures when you weren't reciprocating? Is this a page out of the book "she's just not that into you"? Because the right guy treated the right way will go the extra mile on an open ended basis. I would have to say that my wife treats me like a first year boyfriend because I still treat her like a first year girlfriend. We have now had 21 - first years in a row. There is no way she would have stayed my top priority if she "never really did a lot in the beginning and then that never changed" Now, this isn't another 'I have a good guy but I just don't have such strong feelings for him anymore' thread. I have a good guy, yes. He's still faithful, honest, cares about me, etc. And I still love him. But I still long for the person he was before... how he treated me in the first year of the relationship. It isn't that he's a bad bf now, but he was literally 'the perfect' bf then. I'm not looking at it through rose-tinted glasses either - I can objectively recall and say that he said and did a lot of things then that he doesn't now. The realistic part of me tells me that that wasn't a sustainable state, because nobody can be so unselfish ALL the time - some of the things he did for me then at his own expense were literally mind-boggling. But the romantic part of me still yearns for that. For the guy who was so in love with me that he spent all night working on a picture for me, for the guy who gave up all his entertainment to sit with me and support me through my long hours of studying for an important finals, for the guy who unhesistatingly paid 5k that he didn't really have to see me for 2 weeks. As for me? I don't think I've changed in that sense - I still do and say the things I did then. But granted I never really did a lot in the beginning, because it was he who wanted me first and he who pursued me. He really put all of his heart and soul into it and more, and I really miss all of that. I suppose I'm like the kid who dined on caviar and foie gras in her childhood and then had to grow up and face the real world. I still love him and I want this to work, but I just keep comparing him to the guy he was before and finding him lacking - because really, most humans would be lacking.
Author Els Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 I'd like to mention that we are currently LD at the moment, so no opportunity for 'date nights' I'm afraid. There had already been physical distance since the first year though. You do make great points, though. @mem: As for my part of 'doing little' - he's a man who doesn't want much to be done for him. Some little gestures, such as giving him massages or making him food/drinks when we were together, he'd accept. But oftentimes when I do certain things for him he would tell me that it's too much and he feels uncomfortable being on the receiving end. He doesn't like to be helped and he doesn't like me sacrificing anything for his sake. I do often treat him like 'a first year boyfriend', though. Especially in the sexual department, when we were together. @allina: Thanks, you helped me see things in a different way. I wish we could 'do things together' - that's part of my 'losing the honeymoon phase' gripe. He used to love doing things together just for the sake of doing things together. Now, he isn't against doing things together, but not just because he wants to do things with me - he only wants to do the things that he would have done anyway if I hadn't been there. If that made sense. Also, I wish that no sacrifices have to be made, but that's the way it has to be in a LDR like ours. Had no sacrifices been made, we would never have been able to even see one another. I, for one, will be leaving my home to be with him shortly.
Author Els Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 However, except for SB and LB's posts, I'm afraid the question doesn't seem to be answered. Let's forget about my relationship for a while, and perhaps talk about yours? 2 years into the relationship, was your R as great and exciting as it was when it first started, or still great but not as exciting? Most likely the latter, correct? What did you do about it other than having 'date nights out'? I understand that that could definitely help, but even with that, was it really exactly the same as when you first started out? If it wasn't, how did you mentally deal with the reality of a stable relationship after coming down from the goggle-eyed honeymoon phase?
mem11363 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 E, That is a really important clarification. I can only say this: - I really do try hard to go the extra mile - to do special things - Sunday night I made a 5 course dinner for her and the kids and then cleaned the kitchen. And then gave her a killer massage before we went to sleep. As for sex - she seemed tired - so the massage was an end in itself. - As for really big things - it is hard to get away with 2 teenage kids at home. But I do what I can. As for WHY I am still in love with her: - She is honest and committed - She is fun and adventurous and funny and cute and clever and playful - She has stayed fit - She is incredible in bed I'd like to mention that we are currently LD at the moment, so no opportunity for 'date nights' I'm afraid. There had already been physical distance since the first year though. You do make great points, though. @mem: As for my part of 'doing little' - he's a man who doesn't want much to be done for him. Some little gestures, such as giving him massages or making him food/drinks when we were together, he'd accept. But oftentimes when I do certain things for him he would tell me that it's too much and he feels uncomfortable being on the receiving end. He doesn't like to be helped and he doesn't like me sacrificing anything for his sake. I do often treat him like 'a first year boyfriend', though. Especially in the sexual department, when we were together. @allina: Thanks, you helped me see things in a different way. I wish we could 'do things together' - that's part of my 'losing the honeymoon phase' gripe. He used to love doing things together just for the sake of doing things together. Now, he isn't against doing things together, but not just because he wants to do things with me - he only wants to do the things that he would have done anyway if I hadn't been there. If that made sense. Also, I wish that no sacrifices have to be made, but that's the way it has to be in a LDR like ours. Had no sacrifices been made, we would never have been able to even see one another. I, for one, will be leaving my home to be with him shortly.
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