spike7165 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Why's nothing easy...sorry for yet another post... I've kept in contact with my ex for the last 2.5 years since we split and we're pretty close. Told her today about the woman I met last week because otherwise one of her "friends" would have done later today. Wasn't exactly happy, but it was more just really sad. I know part of me still loves her, but I can't stay single forever and I think deep down she loves me as well at least thats what her friends tell me, but she has a boyfriend since she split with me. The new girl I do really like, but she doesn't generate the same feelings in me as my ex did and does, but I know its early days. I think we both always thought we would end up back together again which is why we kept seeing each other and we get on great but we didn't ever get back together. I don't know what to do, I was really upset on the phone and you guys are all I can talk to about this. I either stay single and hold a candle for my ex, and we kind of continue an on/off friends/not-friends kind of relationship which mostly sucks because she is with someone else but definitely doesn't love him OR I start something new which is unknown may not work and will probably push the ex away. I'm so confused thought I had it sussed, but talking to her has made me so emotional about her. I'm seeing her Monday to talk.
D-Lish Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 You've only known the new woman for a short period of time. Who knows if you would develop deeper feelings for her or not, it's too early to tell. I wouldn't push a potential dating partner away for an ex that is with another man...
Author spike7165 Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 Hi D-Lish, thanks for your help you've been great! Yeah I know it's the first time I've really dated in 10 years and I like it...I really thought I had my head straight, I was still speaking to my ex but I thought the feelings were in check when I realised the same time had passed single as it had been together. Then just talking to her now and me telling her just brought out some strong emotion and started me crying! Still tearing up now! I don't know what it is, I guess for the last 5 years we were together or I thought we would get back together and she did encourage that. Then I realised we wouldn't or if we did it wouldn't work. I always thought she was my one love, the "one" and was torn apart when it didn't work.... Sorry not making much sense, very confused. Thought these feelings had gone.
USMCHokie Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 My opinion on second chances is that they only work after you've been completely apart from your ex for an extended period of time (perhaps even years...)...you can't "plan" a second chance...and you can't sit around waiting for it to happen...the whole point is for both of you to move on with your lives as separate individuals...to experience life on your own again or perhaps with someone else...these experiences will reshape and redefine who you are...and if by chance the stars and moon are aligned at just the right time, you might get that second chance with your ex...but both of you will be new people, and it won't be a second chance anymore, but a brand new dating experience...but you cannot experience this individual change and growth if you're both still in each other's lives...it just doesn't happen... You say that you fear pushing your ex away...but in all honesty, that is exactly what you need to do...you're not doing yourself any favors by holding a candle for a girl that would rather be with someone else...I know you're a better man than that...she is holding you back from living your life and personal growth... It doesn't matter if this new girl will work out or not...it's the experience of someone new that you want and need...and perhaps it will work out and she will turn out to be better than your ex...but if not, that's ok, you will have grown that much more knowing that this new girl isn't what you want in a partner... If I were you and had to see her on Monday, then I'd tell her that Monday should be the last time you two should talk...
D-Lish Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Well, it's interesting that she wants to meet up as soon as she finds out you have met someone you are interested in... How serious is your ex with her bf??? I'm sorry this has brought up painful feelings for you. I still think you should pursue things with this new woman, you have nothing to lose by exploring your chemistry. Unless your ex is breaking up with her new guy and making a concerted effort to come back to you, there is no reason to stop dating people.
Author spike7165 Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 Well, it's interesting that she wants to meet up as soon as she finds out you have met someone you are interested in... How serious is your ex with her bf??? I'm sorry this has brought up painful feelings for you. I still think you should pursue things with this new woman, you have nothing to lose by exploring your chemistry. Unless your ex is breaking up with her new guy and making a concerted effort to come back to you, there is no reason to stop dating people. To answer that question - Not at all serious. She lives with him and he looks after her financially pretty much and her son but on an emotional level she pretty much hates being there but doesn't see a viable way out. I think I'm her back up really on one level, but on another from what her friends told me deep down she does love me. USMC - Thanks - I do agree, this waiting around and putting my life on hold is just not doing anyone any good. My ex always ignited strong feelings and I'm surprised a lot are still there. I probably should have stopped seeing her 2 years ago.
JustLooking123 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 To answer that question - Not at all serious. She lives with him and he looks after her financially pretty much and her son but on an emotional level she pretty much hates being there but doesn't see a viable way out. I see a few possibilities here: 1. She just tells you that because it makes you feel sorry for her, and it keeps you "on her hook." 2. It's the truth...in which case, what does that say about her character? You've been single for 2.5 years, but it's clear that you're nowhere near over her. Sounds like you need to make a clean break from her (i.e. little or no contact) - there's too much emotional entanglement.
Author spike7165 Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 I see a few possibilities here: 1. She just tells you that because it makes you feel sorry for her, and it keeps you "on her hook." 2. It's the truth...in which case, what does that say about her character? You've been single for 2.5 years, but it's clear that you're nowhere near over her. Sounds like you need to make a clean break from her (i.e. little or no contact) - there's too much emotional entanglement. I think both of them are probably true. I know when we first split up she did lie about how she wasn't happy in which case why stay with him at the beginning? But now it probably is the truth, but like you say why not do something about it and move on... I live in a foreign country so to a certain extent having her close has been support for me here, so that would not be factor in my home country. But I guess you're right I need to get a bit of distance. Even if in that 1% chance she and I both wanted to get back together then if she won't split and move out then how can I be expected to sit around for her when she's not prepared to sacrifice anything for me. It's early days with this new girl and I'm a lot more grounded than I have ever been before, who knows but it shows promise. I'm a regular, average looking guy, making semi-decent money and I don't get a tonne of chances with new women especially where I live so I guess I would be crazy to throw that away.
usernamedbadly Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Why's nothing easy...sorry for yet another post... I've kept in contact with my ex for the last 2.5 years since we split and we're pretty close. Told her today about the woman I met last week because otherwise one of her "friends" would have done later today. Wasn't exactly happy, but it was more just really sad. I know part of me still loves her, but I can't stay single forever and I think deep down she loves me as well at least thats what her friends tell me, but she has a boyfriend since she split with me. The new girl I do really like, but she doesn't generate the same feelings in me as my ex did and does, but I know its early days. I think we both always thought we would end up back together again which is why we kept seeing each other and we get on great but we didn't ever get back together. I don't know what to do, I was really upset on the phone and you guys are all I can talk to about this. I either stay single and hold a candle for my ex, and we kind of continue an on/off friends/not-friends kind of relationship which mostly sucks because she is with someone else but definitely doesn't love him OR I start something new which is unknown may not work and will probably push the ex away. I'm so confused thought I had it sussed, but talking to her has made me so emotional about her. I'm seeing her Monday to talk. I am with you 100%. my ex and I dont really get to see each other often, but when we do theres always a bit of horseplay involved and we both get on really well. I dont know whether to wait and see if something happens (potentially wasting a couple of years and letting other girls pass me by who might be just as great) or just cut my losses. Whenever she tells me about guys i dont feel jealous, but disappointed that taht guys not me, and whenever i talk about girls she's the same. I think putting your cards on the table and just talking to her might help, but if you decide to go for it again and it doesnt work out then i guess the friendship might fall apart too. You could be sitting on the fence for years at this rate tho if you dont come clean.
Author spike7165 Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 That's the thing, I've already been sitting on the fence and I Feel that life is passing me by.... The thing is, I think I'm cool now with not being with her, but I don't want her out of my life completely. So I think I'm going to speak to her Monday face to face and tell her I still want to see her and be friends with her, but if she does want anything more than that she needs to make some effort. I'm not even sure thats a good idea anyway, I know the same problems would probably appear. Staying friends is probably the best way, and I guess if she doesn't want that and gets annoyed with me, BUT doesn't want to make any effort to be with me then it's all about her and keeping me hooked for backup rather than any genuine reasons. She told me I would push her away if I was with someone else, which was kind of shocking. Either she still has feelings in which case she needs to move her ass and do something OR she's using emotional blackmail and just wants me at her waiting for her until or rather IF she is ever ready,
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