ladydesigner Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Bravo *hands-clapping* what a great revised letter. It is exactly what I would have drawn up for my XOM:laugh:. I swear where do these men come from? Your XAp's disposition sounds just like my XOM's ...sheesh!
fooled once Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 PS - FO Well aware I was used, that's what makes me stick to NC. No need to pound it home, I already feel like crap still. Wasn't trying to pound it home. But to me, it is obvious you are still wrapped up in him. I truly believe if he called you today, you would gladly pick up where things left off. *shrug* That is what *I* get from reading your posts. You had no desire for it to end, you were more than willing to accept every crumb he threw you. i never apologize unless i never intend to commit the same error i'm currently apologizing for. since you are once again offering yourself to him - there's no reason for the apology. the point is moot if you still beg to have him back. it appears weak and pathetic at that point - so i would never do it this way. apologize with actions... never contact him again. that helps healing on both sides. otherwise - if the intention is to try to get him back - simply be honest about what you want to send. "hey, i'm really considering round two with you - think we should consider it?" state your truth... IF you want to get back, say it. if not, move forward. Exactly. For you to tell him you would want another round with him if given the chance (and I don't think it would take either one of you being single), shows that you aren't over him. Everything about this letter is a bad idea. It isn't an apology letter, it is a 'take me back' letter. Please put it in the special filing cabinet AKA the bin. The best thing you can do is accept this relationship as over and do not contact him again or think about contacting him. NC NC NC NC NC (I chant this to myself every day) Then live life and enjoy it. You only have one!!!! Good luck. Agree again. Not sure what you have decided on your marriage, but it seems to me, you just want love -- you just want someone to treat you good. Your H doesn't treat you as well as you want, but in your Affair, that loser treated you a bit 'better' than your H in your mind. And I can't see how except it was new and exciting sex (and if I recall correctly, your H isn't really into sex now). So with the MM, you got sex. I believe you are also in counseling, which I think is great. I hope for you, that you break free of BOTH of these men - neither who meet even 1/2 your needs. You can still find someone to meet the majority of your needs, if you let yourself break free from what you have now. Divorce can be scary, but damn is it liberating (especially if the marriage isn't making you happy). Find your happiness Heather - and don't let anything stop you! You know now that a married guy isn't the happiness you so deserve. Life is too short to stay unhappy. Go where you are celebrated!!
2sunny Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 How about this? Dear X, You are such a f-ing jerk!! I can't believe you took advantage of the crisis's that were going on in my life & then turned it into this....a drop kick out of your life. I can't believe you took advantage of my disposition, knowing I would never cause a scene or even call you on anything because I had so much going on in my own life. You were supposed to be a friend to me, and you did nothing but take advantage of the situations I was in w/ my friends dying, my H disabled at the time, my Dad calling me. I've been on max stress for years, and you totally knew. I wish I would have ended things the second I figured it out. The one time I asked you to call me, and you didn't. On my b-day years ago, when you asked for 2 weeks what I wanted & then got me nothing. You're a complete a-hole jerk, and I want nothing ever to do w/ you again. What the F is your problem?? I think you're the coldest person on the face of the earth, and I hope your W is having a great time spending your money & f-ing her personal trainer. Maybe then you'll know how it feels to be completely used. I'm the only one in your life that's never used you. Go to hell Ahhhh......I feel much better now!! Have a good weekend!!! much better! you are taking your power back and standing strong. awesome! this is what healthy looks like when we eliminate the negative energy from out daily lives. i call it "weeding the garden" leaves room for the beauty to bloom around you!
Author Heather1 Posted May 2, 2010 Author Posted May 2, 2010 On a side....I'm on this trip with my H & friends & one of the guys just got booted out by his W about a month ago. He brought, what I thought, was a rebound date but the more I see them together they are in a full on relationship for however long. It appears they left (in his case forced) their spouses for eachother. I don't have a future with xOm & I know it. I just thought I'd write this because on the LS boards it appears the OM never leaves, but in my real life people really are ending up with the AP. Anyway, short on time but I'll write more when I get home.
White Flower Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 On a side....I'm on this trip with my H & friends & one of the guys just got booted out by his W about a month ago. He brought, what I thought, was a rebound date but the more I see them together they are in a full on relationship for however long. It appears they left (in his case forced) their spouses for eachother. I don't have a future with xOm & I know it. I just thought I'd write this because on the LS boards it appears the OM never leaves, but in my real life people really are ending up with the AP. Anyway, short on time but I'll write more when I get home. It does happen. My brother's exW left him for his best friend. They M and live happily ever after in another state where nobody knows of their A origin. I'm sure many don't share that bit about their former A now M.
whichwayisup Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 On a side....I'm on this trip with my H & friends & one of the guys just got booted out by his W about a month ago. He brought, what I thought, was a rebound date but the more I see them together they are in a full on relationship for however long. It appears they left (in his case forced) their spouses for eachother. Obviously it happens, but not that often. Fact that he was 'forced' 'booted' out of his just shows that he has no spine and left it to his wife. If he wanted his OW and wanted a life with her, why not just take the reins and leave/divorce? I don't have a future with xOm & I know it. I just thought I'd write this because on the LS boards it appears the OM never leaves, but in my real life people really are ending up with the AP. End up forever? A month isn't that long.
Got it Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 I think these internet forums are weighed towards those that are unhappy as most happy individuals do not seek out support boards. I think many do end up with their AP and like the percentages in dating, in general, some stay together and marry, some are married a long time, some divorce, some are rebounds, etc. The success rate in dating is slim, just the nature of the beast.
Author Heather1 Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 I'm back!! Sporting a nice tan too. Yeah, it was weird seeing the situation unfold right in front of me....especially after reading all these stories. I almost expect to read her story on these posts! Yeah, he picked his W & his W booted him except for they are together now however it happened & forever long. All of us know there's no forever in any R.....at least here huh? As for my situation, xOM emailed me today. I know, I know, at least I feel a little more in control than before. I mean, I took off on a dime with no warning the second he started being wishy washy again with no sad good byes. I'm rather ambivalant right now about it, which is a true godsend!! I'll keep you all posted.
Just a stone's throw Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Welcome back! How was the trip with H? Did you two have fun? Hole in one? So an email huh? And to what did you owe that surprise? Any info on the accident? Just checking in? I know I shouldn't care because I don't want you to care about it but I really don't want you to care about it. Did you respond? BTW still NC, 2 weeks as of Monday. I had the need to email him a colleague's CV yesterday and I thought better of it. I'll get it to him another way. Don't want it coming from me.
Author Heather1 Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 Trip was good, we talked a lot. He wants an open M, he still wants me around & to be M in whatever form. Everyone else's M's in our lives are falling apart, or they're divorced already. Of my HS friends, I'm the only one still M to the same man that's only been M once. Even my H's been M'd before!! That certainly doesn't mean I'm going to look ever again, I was never looking in the first place. It's just that he understands. It was actually a really sweet note. I sent a short reply, non-feeling, about 5 hours later. I'm going to really lay low on this one. I dove back in last time after he was so apologetic & then I totally blew it because he txt'd me to call me & didn't.....so I was sitting there waiting for him to call & the phone didn't ring & I completely lost it. Put me right back to square one, it was awful!!! Nope, don't feel the need to get him back right now. When I initiated the NC, it was because i really wanted it to end & I still do. Miss him, miss the sex, don't miss the drama. I don't do totally "cold." No thanks to that!
Just a stone's throw Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 whaaaaa??? Open marriage??? Were you expecting that? You say that like he said he needs to make a dentist appointment..... how are you feeling about that??? Why does he want an open marriage? Becuase he feels that's what you want? oh, please go on....
Author Heather1 Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 Because he knows I want to leave, and he knows I'm not attracted to him & haven't been for a long time. As I raised the kids, blah, blah, blah, I thought I was a-sexual or something. This A at least showed me that yeah... I really LOVE SEX. Hadn't known that feeling in almost 20 years. I'm not affectionate (except to my boys) & am around men day in, day out & no one hits my radar. I think I just resigned myself to the occasional (very occasional) obligatory sex & OM blew me out of the water. Now that he's gone, I'm not into sex anymore again. Plus he & his family are into hoarding money, so he doesn't want a D. I've been a good saver, so now he has a lot to lose. Maybe it's just a band-aid for him? He doesn't want to D. I'm not really interested in being a repeat offender either, it's too hard. He's hanging on for dear life so I think he just threw that out there? Maybe more that he doesn't want to be twice D? I don't understand why he doesn't want to be with someone who's totally into him instead of me. Neither of us want to upset our kids, that's for sure. I think I just checked out 10 years ago & REALLY checking out lately. Sadly, I think if I found someone like OM (except not a cheap, dumb a$$) I would take the out. But again, I'm not up for this again!
JustJoe Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Jeez, Heather, get the f**king divorce, already. Be an honest person. Open marriages very rarely work, and you already know what an affair is like. Wouldn't you like a relationship without the drama, but WITH the passion and love? How you gonna do that in an open marriage? You will still have the same husband. There IS life after divorce, you know.:D
pureinheart Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 I just watched Oprah with John Edward's mistress & it made me sick. She only had herself & their "love" in mind. Touted her truth & honesty, spirituality, barf. No apologies. The saddest part is he seems like a complete narcissistic sociopath & she's in love with him. Part of why we keep ending things is because I don't want to upheave his life. I feel bad I was so selfish. Should I keep that to myself? Or should I make some kind of amends? That show made me sick. I NEVER want to be that woman, yet I was. Hi Heather... My daughter and I were just talking about this same subject tonight. There was a situation at her work concerning an A...the guy felt guilty and spilled his gutts...well this involved a lot of people and caused a workplace uproar like one would not believe...the gf wanted to kill everyone he worked with...guys and girls...didn't matter. The owner has High BP and it shot up and she had to be rushed to the hospital...the hospital said she should have died. These situations can be explosive, and if one is dealing with those who are not mature, or on the edge...it can be bad...certain things are better left unsaid...God knows your heart, so I try to leave it at that. Write the letter, then burn it....it is finished! Everyone does things they shouldn't...even Edwards
pureinheart Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Guess I was late and the subject changed....oppppssss. Have been depressed and haven't followed the boards...but tonight watching an interview with Phyllis Diller...one of the greats...think I'll start laughing again.
Author Heather1 Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 Jeez, Heather, get the f**king divorce, already. Be an honest person. Open marriages very rarely work, and you already know what an affair is like. Wouldn't you like a relationship without the drama, but WITH the passion and love? How you gonna do that in an open marriage? You will still have the same husband. There IS life after divorce, you know.:D I'm trying to do the best for my kids right now. I agree, I don't think this will work either because he says this & yet he's clingier than EVER & it's turning me off even more. So I don't know, I'm not in a spot to make a decision right now & he's frantic I think. He knows I already opened the M, he knew about my feelings for OM all along. I think I wrote something a few months back about being on a beach by myself w/ two men in my life & still....I'm on this beach by myself???
Author Heather1 Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 ps Pure in heart, I read that post & now it's gone. This stuff is really hard huh? I'm trying to stay really busy & not think about it. It still creeps up though. Hugs to you, hope you can get out & enjoy a nice day!! I like to buy shoes If nothing else, take a nice walk with an ipod & put on a cheery song, or the Rocky theme song.
ladydesigner Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 I'm trying to do the best for my kids right now. I agree, I don't think this will work either because he says this & yet he's clingier than EVER & it's turning me off even more. So I don't know, I'm not in a spot to make a decision right now & he's frantic I think. He knows I already opened the M, he knew about my feelings for OM all along. I think I wrote something a few months back about being on a beach by myself w/ two men in my life & still....I'm on this beach by myself??? I think clinginess is the biggest marriage killer. My H got really clingy after I discovered his A and I embarked on mine and the clinginess just made me feel:sick: to say the least. Lately my H has given me a lot of space and support and we just talk and do a lot together and you know what I actually am starting to get some feelings back for him. We are also contemplating the idea of a semi-open marriage but haven't set forth motion on it.
Just a stone's throw Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Okay, LD. Please define "Semi-Open Marriage". I think it was clinginess and a lack of trust that turned me off to my husband before the A. He constantly was insinuating that I was probably having an A or would likely because men would pay attention to me. I was naive and didn't give it a second thought but hated that he kept saying I would cheat. I never, ever wanted to or thought I would. I don't want to say it was a self-fulfilling prophecy but I did get so tired of hearing the message from him just because he's jealous of any one looking at me. I can say now that he is less clingy (much less) because I'm more engaged and more attentive and more interested. At least I think that is why. I definitely am enjoying our relationship a whole lot more now and he says he is too.
ladydesigner Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Okay, LD. Please define "Semi-Open Marriage". I think it was clinginess and a lack of trust that turned me off to my husband before the A. He constantly was insinuating that I was probably having an A or would likely because men would pay attention to me. I was naive and didn't give it a second thought but hated that he kept saying I would cheat. I never, ever wanted to or thought I would. I don't want to say it was a self-fulfilling prophecy but I did get so tired of hearing the message from him just because he's jealous of any one looking at me. I can say now that he is less clingy (much less) because I'm more engaged and more attentive and more interested. At least I think that is why. I definitely am enjoying our relationship a whole lot more now and he says he is too. Lol knew this one was coming. Well... my H and I have been discussing the possibility of having some fun where we are both there at the same time i.e. swinging, not sure? It has only been discussion lately but have not implemented yet. Crazy I know:laugh:
Just a stone's throw Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Lol knew this one was coming. Well... my H and I have been discussing the possibility of having some fun where we are both there at the same time i.e. swinging, not sure? It has only been discussion lately but have not implemented yet. Crazy I know:laugh: Well if that works for you, I have been reading a lot of CCL's posts about the need to be very mature in your feelings for each other to allow your SO to be involved with another in front of you without jealousy. I am not personally interested in this but have been really learning a lot on this site. I can say that LS forums have expanded my bedroom repretoire with my H in a very good way and I am WAY more open to things than I was pre-A.
Author Heather1 Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 If I was attracted to my H, I would feel the same way too JAST. No, swinging's not for me at all....I'm REALLY picky. xOM is really the only person that has made my body just tremble, and I wouldn't settle for less than that ever again. I'm thinking I should just be a nun now. Good day today.....saw a guy who worked for him today & was just my charming self. xOM's message to me was that he wanted me to be there Friday & wanted to see me. I didn't reply to that. THANK GOD (the nun part of me) I'm busy that day!!! Doing something I've been trying to talk him into doing for years (on his own) & finally the other day a lightbulb went off in my head thinking, "Why don't I do that?" So sure enough, the day he wants to see me I'm going to be out doing something we've both ALWAYS wanted to do!!! Sorry to be so secretive about it, but I don't want to draw attention to myself. It's going to be an absolute blast & I'm really looking forward to it! Otherwise I'd probably be sitting around thinking of some scheme to see him that day....but I'm BUSY!!!! Last time I got suckered in by a few sweet emails & no real actions by him. I just thought the fact he got ahold of me meant he was all in, and I was wrong. He's a moron for treating me like crap. Hope he pines all Friday for me while I'm out having fun.
Just a stone's throw Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 Heather, I know if you can stick to that committment, that I can too. I hope that you have a great time on Friday! Don't give a second thought to him!!!
Author Heather1 Posted May 8, 2010 Author Posted May 8, 2010 I had such a great time today!!! We should have stayed NC, I finally replied to him thanking him for saying what he said to me. So all morning I was thinking about him, hoping to hear from him. Sure enough, my thoughts ran to the unthinkable....a future. That's why I can't be around him anymore. I have "hope" & then he rips it right out every time. So that stupid note was "hope" again. I did not share one feeling, he did. Nothing huge, but enough to let me know he missed me? I HIGHLY recommend a new hobby!! I'm going to take classes & get what I need to enjoy this. I'm really excited, I haven't had something to look forward to in a long time. I've just been a slave to my phone for years & his life & his happiness & walking on eggshells. That & a slave to my H, kids, our parents for 20 years. This thing that I did today needs my phone turned off!!! For hours!!! Plus it was an absolute blast!!
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