Heather1 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I just watched Oprah with John Edward's mistress & it made me sick. She only had herself & their "love" in mind. Touted her truth & honesty, spirituality, barf. No apologies. The saddest part is he seems like a complete narcissistic sociopath & she's in love with him. Part of why we keep ending things is because I don't want to upheave his life. I feel bad I was so selfish. Should I keep that to myself? Or should I make some kind of amends? That show made me sick. I NEVER want to be that woman, yet I was.
jwi71 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I just watched Oprah with John Edward's mistress & it made me sick. She only had herself & their "love" in mind. Touted her truth & honesty, spirituality, barf. No apologies. The saddest part is he seems like a complete narcissistic sociopath & she's in love with him. Part of why we keep ending things is because I don't want to upheave his life. I feel bad I was so selfish. Should I keep that to myself? Or should I make some kind of amends? That show made me sick. I NEVER want to be that woman, yet I was. No. No apology letter. It won't be received well. And you're looking at this the wrong way. Its not you are so bad. You were THAT bad, but no longer. Celebrate the distance traveled, the lessons learned, and the recapturing of the empathy which defines us as human. I don't see bad here at all. I see good. You want to make amends? OK. Do this: Volunteer. Every Saturday for the next year, from 10a - 2p. Pick a charity. Any. A soup kitchen. A battered woman's shelter. Spend time with the forgotten and the discarded. Try it. Even once. There's power and grace to giving back. JW
joey66 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I just watched Oprah with John Edward's mistress & it made me sick. She only had herself & their "love" in mind. Touted her truth & honesty, spirituality, barf. No apologies. The saddest part is he seems like a complete narcissistic sociopath & she's in love with him. Part of why we keep ending things is because I don't want to upheave his life. I feel bad I was so selfish. Should I keep that to myself? Or should I make some kind of amends? That show made me sick. I NEVER want to be that woman, yet I was. You weren't that woman. You were you, for better or for worse. Personally, she doesn't strike me as the type who has a clue about "love." It's him that makes me sick. He's a classic example of why everyone (BW, OW, & the public at large) hates the MM. If your really don't want to upheave his life, then just let it go. Pick nearly any thread on here and you'll find at least one post that says NC is the only way for it to end. Hope you feel better soon.
jthorne Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 No. No apology letter. It won't be received well. And you're looking at this the wrong way. Its not you are so bad. You were THAT bad, but no longer. Celebrate the distance traveled, the lessons learned, and the recapturing of the empathy which defines us as human. I don't see bad here at all. I see good. You want to make amends? OK. Do this: Volunteer. Every Saturday for the next year, from 10a - 2p. Pick a charity. Any. A soup kitchen. A battered woman's shelter. Spend time with the forgotten and the discarded. Try it. Even once. There's power and grace to giving back. JWYou know, this is funny. (not funny haha). When my xMM contacted me to apologize for hurting me, he told me he had been trying to be a better person and make amends. He said he was doing volunteer work. Yet he's done nothing to improve his marriage or his relationship with his wife (she never knew of the A). I felt kinda conflicted about that. Like he was trying to make amends to himself, not his marriage. So... Heather, you have to ask yourself... Who does the apology letter really benefit? You or who you have wronged? IMO, an apology letter might open old wounds.
fooled once Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Leave it alone. He used you and unfortunatey, you got hurt. Let it go, let him go and move forward. I like jwl's suggestion of volunteering.
Author Heather1 Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 JT, I think he was apologizing to you.... Joey, JE makes me sick too. They both do! Not for a second do I believe she didn't set out for this from the gate, pregnancy & all. HELLO on the going to his hotel room??? Like a woman doesn't know this stuff??? Please!! No, I'm not that manipulative. On the amends part, I'll just write you all an amends. You're right, it would just open things up & we've been NC for a few months now. Dear X, I've had some time to think about things & I'm really sad about everything. I thought you'd be someone I could keep in my life forever. I've never experienced caring about someone so much, and then having the best thing I could do be to sever ties. It's the hardest thing I've ever done & I miss you pretty much every day. I want to apologize to you for potentially harming you & your family, that was never my intention. From your first smile, I was so struck by you. We had such good times, and accidentally crossed a line & we were never able to go back. That breaks my heart, and I lost my best friend. As lame as I feel things ended, we did the best we could without hurting others. At the time, I would have continued selfishly & stayed married. Now that a few months have gone by I see how selfish that really was. I hope I didn't cause any harm to your relationship with your W, my only intention was for you to be happy. I now don't want that happiness at our families expense. If some day we find ourselves single, I would love a second chance. For now, I just want to apologize & say good bye on good terms, not where we both told each other to basically f-off. I get it, and I'm sorry. Love, H
Author Heather1 Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 PS - FO Well aware I was used, that's what makes me stick to NC. No need to pound it home, I already feel like crap still.
twinsmom Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I'm having a little bit of a hard time wondering what in the world YOU feel like you should apologize for? Please forgive me if I've missed something. First of all, it would just create contact that you SAY you don't want anymore. So.....why would you even consider doing it?? And what I say now is not directed specifically at you, but you and about 4 or 5 other OW's on here. There has been a huge proliferation of OW in the past couple of weeks who are VOWING never to say another word to, or have anything to do WITH, their MM. I mean, they all keep saying "NEVER!!" Of all the ones that have said that in the past couple of weeks, I think only one might actually follow through. I am a former OW, for 3 1/2 years, so I have been in the same place. Been there, done that, have seen the light and am finally finished. But the denial of these OW, the "I'm DONE!", "What an *******!", "I hope he knows what he gave up!", etc., etc., etc. ETC!!!!! I can count in my mind at least 4 or 5 on here who would totally disregard that they've said those things, and would go running back at a simple crook of MM's finger, to further lap up his second helpings. From someone who was there in the past, it's really frustrating! And from someone who was once in the same place, it's doubly frustrating. I was there, I loved him more than anything, for almost FOUR years. He said he loved me, too, but he didn't leave. He never had any intention of leaving. That's all you need to know.
whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 it would just open things up & we've been NC for a few months now. Yup. Don't do it. Just keep writing, it'll be theraputic for you, help you get your own closure and most of all - Forgive yourself. Life goes on. Stop beating yourself up and try not to be sad. I like the idea of volunteering in a shelter, or serving food to homeless people. Or even go visit older patients in the hospital, a children's hospital. Something that helps others and makes you feel good, in a contributing/making a difference in someone's life. Take the focus off of all the pain and memories, focus that into something positive!
OWoman Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I just watched Oprah with John Edward's mistress & it made me sick. Watching Oprah would make me sick, too If I want to induce vomiting, I'd rather drink an emetic - it's less nauseating. I don't kow who John Edwards or his misress are, so can't comment on that, but if your own past behaviour upsets you - it means you've moved on. Forgive yourself, learn the lessons, and celebrate your progress. I'm not a fan of hair-shirts - I don't advocate volunteering unless you care about the cause / people you're supporting. Using others - particularly those who are vulnerable or in need - to exorcise your own issues is selfish, IMO, and those people who do that usually make poor volunteers, IME, as their own stuff is always getting in the way and lands up drawing energy (of other, healthy, volunteers) away from the REAL work because they land up having to "care" for the exorcising volunteer. Rather weed your garden, or pick up the rubbish in your neighbourhood, or scrub your toilet, if it's all about you. Only help others if it's actually about them. (This wasn't directed at you, Heather - it was just a general observation in response to the suggestions some others made about volunteering-as-exorcism. I worked with volunteers in a number of NGOs / CBOs and the experience from the other side is not the sunshine and roses of organisational gratitude that many people imagine!)
Just a stone's throw Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Heather, Heather, Heather.... So glad you posted your letter here and did not send it to exMM. Thank you for keeping your wits about you and handling it in that manner. You will thank yourself over and over. That apology really needed to go to you and not exMM. It took two to tango. He was an A#1 player in this game of yours and he knew the risks, you didn't forcibly rape him nor is he unintelligent that you controlled his mind in the A. You had a lot to lose too, your H, your kids respect etc... Please forgive yourself. Write yourself a letter and explain to you why you did what you did and apologize and mean it and let it go. The only thing coming from that letter to exMM was the hope that he would see you as still vulnerable wallowing in your feelings for him and the want for him to take you back to continue on in a "friendlier" manner and that can't happen. Hold your head up high, Heather. It's been over 2 months. He knew what you were about. NC IS the way to continue this to the end. BTW, the part about if you two were single..... If you become "single" Heather I hope that you would take the time to get to know yourself and be just "you" for awhile. You may be surprised at what you find without the baggage. Hugs!!
joey66 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 The only thing coming from that letter to exMM was the hope that he would see you as still vulnerable wallowing in your feelings for him and the want for him to take you back to continue on in a "friendlier" manner and that can't happen. And/or he'd show it to his W. She would not react well. Particularly the part about "I would love a second chance." Much better to maintain NC. I hope tou are feeling better today.
bananalaffytaffy Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Heather, He was a big boy who made his own choices. You owe him no apology. And don't try to say you "accidentally" crossed a line. Bullsh*t. He has to own it as much as you do. I doubt his penis got hard and "accidentally" slipped into you. Whoopsie!! (Sorry to be crass.) Your letter seems to me to want a better closure than the one you got. Sorry, hon, you can't change the past. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and move on.
2sunny Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 i never apologize unless i never intend to commit the same error i'm currently apologizing for. since you are once again offering yourself to him - there's no reason for the apology. the point is moot if you still beg to have him back. it appears weak and pathetic at that point - so i would never do it this way. apologize with actions... never contact him again. that helps healing on both sides. otherwise - if the intention is to try to get him back - simply be honest about what you want to send. "hey, i'm really considering round two with you - think we should consider it?" state your truth... IF you want to get back, say it. if not, move forward.
secretlady76 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Everything about this letter is a bad idea. It isn't an apology letter, it is a 'take me back' letter. Please put it in the special filing cabinet AKA the bin. The best thing you can do is accept this relationship as over and do not contact him again or think about contacting him. NC NC NC NC NC (I chant this to myself every day) Then live life and enjoy it. You only have one!!!! Good luck.
Author Heather1 Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 It's just cuz of that stupid show....I don't want him to think I'm "that" woman. Yet, I think she's stereotypical. I won't be sending him any letters, don't worry. Joey, his w has no idea who I am so he won't be showing his W. I was just surprised how un-remorseful that woman was & how she considered the timing bad for her & their baby....not that his W had cancer, he was running for prez, etc. & she should have stepped back & maybe got on birth control?? I was appalled. If nothing else, my experience made sure I didn't go into my xBF's room the other night when we had dinner. It was a "Lost in Translation" dinner more than anything else. I now understand you have to cut them out of your life entirely, and I guess I'm still mourning that & trying to be a good person too. As for charity, I think I need to just focus on my kids right now. I know any letter would be weak & pathetic, so I won't ever send anything. I cut ties & dropped off the face of the earth. He had 2 chances to get ahold of me, when he found out about our mutual friend & I did sent him a short "thinking about you" note a month ago he never replied to (slip). He's just happy I dropped of the planet & I'm sure he hopes I stay that way. That just makes me feel great too!! Oh well, I'll stop feeling sorry for myself & make a nice day for myself.
Just a stone's throw Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Heather, you did the right thing. You vetted this out with those who can talk some sense into you! Some day (and probably not long from now) you will do that on your own. But until then, your LS friends are here to give you the ol' 1-2 punch upside the head!! Stay strong, girlfriend! You're on the right track to healing!! Enjoy your day!
jenifer1972 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I am glad you have turned away from this relationship, but I am always amazed at how we women can be so effusively apologetic to men in situations where it wasn't warranted. Personally, I think you should feel that you have to forgive yourself for falling for the lines of a man who knowingly acted to betray his vows to another. If anything, HE should be apologizing to YOU for pulling you into a NO WIN situation for you. It was all WIN/WIN for HIM.
Author Heather1 Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 Thanks all for all your support, it's been great! You're right, it was win-win for him. I think our friendship was just him taking his time to "choose" me based on my actions throughout the year. When I think about that first kiss, it was a situation I didn't know I was going to be in & he knew we would be alone...I did not. That, and the fact that he & his friends separated me from their lives. I invited them all over, and they declined. A few weeks later one of them had a big 40th b-day bash, and didn't invite my H & I. He wanted someone easily disposable I guess that wouldn't cause any drama. I think I told you our first kiss was also the day before my friends funeral where I got the email one night to say last goodbye words to him, the next morning an email saying he'd passed away. Talk about vulnerable!! I'd like to think this isn't my true nature, and I just had some severe blows that kicked my A$$ & responded inappropriately. I need to remember how this all happened in the first place. This morning I'm just really mad at myself for being flat out used & disposed of. I need to clean my house. Luckily, my H & I are going away this weekend & that will really help. I'm SO surprised I'm not totally over this!!! Like why don't I just hate the guys guts??? Probably because I'd like to believe he's a good person?? (or that I don't have "sucker" written on me..pride??) That interview just triggered a lot I guess. Have a great weekend everyone!!! I'm going to golf my brains out & take it out on a little ball.
Author Heather1 Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 How about this? Dear X, You are such a f-ing jerk!! I can't believe you took advantage of the crisis's that were going on in my life & then turned it into this....a drop kick out of your life. I can't believe you took advantage of my disposition, knowing I would never cause a scene or even call you on anything because I had so much going on in my own life. You were supposed to be a friend to me, and you did nothing but take advantage of the situations I was in w/ my friends dying, my H disabled at the time, my Dad calling me. I've been on max stress for years, and you totally knew. I wish I would have ended things the second I figured it out. The one time I asked you to call me, and you didn't. On my b-day years ago, when you asked for 2 weeks what I wanted & then got me nothing. You're a complete a-hole jerk, and I want nothing ever to do w/ you again. What the F is your problem?? I think you're the coldest person on the face of the earth, and I hope your W is having a great time spending your money & f-ing her personal trainer. Maybe then you'll know how it feels to be completely used. I'm the only one in your life that's never used you. Go to hell Ahhhh......I feel much better now!! Have a good weekend!!!
whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I don't want him to think I'm "that" woman. Does it matter what he thinks anyway? He isn't in your life anymore. Tell yourself that you don't care! It only matters what you think and feel. You have no control over what he may or may think of you.
Just a stone's throw Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Most excellent letter, Heather! I hope you get a "Hole in One" this weekend!! JAST
White Flower Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Dear X, I've had some time to think about things & I'm really sad about everything. I thought you'd be someone I could keep in my life forever. I've never experienced caring about someone so much, and then having the best thing I could do be to sever ties. It's the hardest thing I've ever done & I miss you pretty much every day. OK so far. I want to apologize to you for potentially harming you & your family, that was never my intention. From your first smile, I was so struck by you. We had such good times, and accidentally crossed a line & we were never able to go back. That breaks my heart, and I lost my best friend. As lame as I feel things ended, we did the best we could without hurting others. An OW is not personally responsible for harming a M nor a family; she just doesn't have that kind of power unless the H is in a wheelchair and you put a gun to his head. Even then if he became aroused it would still be his fault. He owns that, not you. At the time, I would have continued selfishly & stayed married. Now that a few months have gone by I see how selfish that really was. I hope I didn't cause any harm to your relationship with your W, my only intention was for you to be happy. I now don't want that happiness at our families expense. Again Heather, he did his own damage to the M and you did your part in your M. If some day we find ourselves single, I would love a second chance. For now, I just want to apologize & say good bye on good terms, not where we both told each other to basically f-off. I get it, and I'm sorry. Love, H I believe this last part is the most honest and truest of your intentions, which is just fine by the way. You are letting him know that you're sorry for the way it ended and that if you both are ever single in the future you would like a do-over. Second chances do come around but just be prepared to live without him if it doesn't come round to you and enjoy the memories as their own reward. ((((Heather)))))
White Flower Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 How about this? Dear X, You are such a f-ing jerk!! I can't believe you took advantage of the crisis's that were going on in my life & then turned it into this....a drop kick out of your life. I can't believe you took advantage of my disposition, knowing I would never cause a scene or even call you on anything because I had so much going on in my own life. You were supposed to be a friend to me, and you did nothing but take advantage of the situations I was in w/ my friends dying, my H disabled at the time, my Dad calling me. I've been on max stress for years, and you totally knew. I wish I would have ended things the second I figured it out. The one time I asked you to call me, and you didn't. On my b-day years ago, when you asked for 2 weeks what I wanted & then got me nothing. You're a complete a-hole jerk, and I want nothing ever to do w/ you again. What the F is your problem?? I think you're the coldest person on the face of the earth, and I hope your W is having a great time spending your money & f-ing her personal trainer. Maybe then you'll know how it feels to be completely used. I'm the only one in your life that's never used you. Go to hell Ahhhh......I feel much better now!! Have a good weekend!!! Even more honest Heather:laugh:. I especially like the last line.
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