Engadget Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 Now, with this discussion we overstate a little a bit the role of "picking the women" from man's side, simply because it is in fact, not true - women are the ones who choose, men merely display. In that sense, there is very little a man can do (barring turning into a completely different person) to change the odds. The most serious problems arise when the woman is wishy-washy, and the man pursues and she eventually caves in. That's why I'm kind of hopeful for my current relationship - my gf "picked me" - i never saw her profile, and so far we're getting along pretty well, not that I don't have any doubts. And this is also a by-product of my earlier resolution to never, ever "pursue" a woman (beyond polite and nonchalant initial expression of interest). I let her come to me, and barring any major red flags, that could be the best approach so far. While this is partially true, men choose too. Women don't go out and dress up and wear tons of makeup to NOT be noticed. They want a guy to approach them, and while they have the ability to turn them away, so do we. I've had women talk to me and I shot them down.
Mr White Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Sure, I didn't mean to say that guys should get whatever comes their way - of course choice/rejection is two-way, it's just that the first meaningful step is the woman's. As for what aspects of relationships matter deeply to individual people, well that's useful in theory, but barring a designated investment account for counselling services, not very helpful in practice. Why? Because, at least for me personally, if you catch me on different days I'll give different answers, probably also depending on mood. Sometimes I think that the most important elements are commitment and humility, sometimes I think that the most important elements are romantic/emotional excitement; sometimes I want all the affection in the world, sometimes I just want to be left alone; etc. The point being that I consider these aspects fluid and negotiable, rather than deep-set in personalities. In general, I have a problem with the idea that there are core aspects of our personality that need to be 'satisfied'. What's the point of being aware of such aspects, only to leave it at 'feeding' them? I would imagine that the true value of knowing yourself is in the understanding of your idiosyncrasies, which by definition should give you the freedom to adjust them as desired. If I am able to understand how my desire to be admired is the product of the way I was raised, I should be able to understand that this is pathological and I need to grow the f up. (for example)
fantasy2000 Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 While this is partially true, men choose too. Women don't go out and dress up and wear tons of makeup to NOT be noticed. They want a guy to approach them, and while they have the ability to turn them away, so do we. Are you sure it's not just vanity? I see lots of really pretty girls in upscale restaurants and bars hanging out in packs. They have this spaced out look and rarely look men in the eye. Admire me but don't engage me and keep your distance is what I read on their face. Although I don't blame them because attractive women know they are the prized commodity and need to be dismissive of lots of creeps who come on to them.
Engadget Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Are you sure it's not just vanity? I see lots of really pretty girls in upscale restaurants and bars hanging out in packs. They have this spaced out look and rarely look men in the eye. Admire me but don't engage me and keep your distance is what I read on their face. Although I don't blame them because attractive women know they are the prized commodity and need to be dismissive of lots of creeps who come on to them. Yeah that's part of it too I'm sure. However if a group of ladies aren't in public and are sitting around their house, chances are if they're friends they won't get dressed up like they do in public. The vanity ties in to it, they want to look good to other men and women.
mem11363 Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I do not think you can be fully transparent with a woman emotionally without adversely impacting her desire for you. I have found my wife is fully capable and glad to be supportive when MAJOR stuff is happening to me. I give her an A+ in empathy/support/being engaged in those situations. I also believe that if I were to be as emotionally transparent with her as she is with me - I would KILL her libido. So the way I look at it is this. In exchange for concealing the day to day emotional "static" we all experience internally I get a great partner who is delightful and fun and incredibly lovable. I actually do not feel this is one sided though because - I do not have an internal happiness engine. Never have, never will. I think this is genetic - my father did not have one either. Don't get me wrong - I have moments of satisfaction that come from achievement, but for day to day happiness my only shot at that comes from the exact same strategy that my father employed. Which is to marry someone who DOES have a happiness engine, and who if treated nicely radiates this wonderful, warm vibe that fills the house. It has taken me a long time to learn to be able to rapidly detach when W is being volatile/difficult/negative/angry about stupid stuff. But I have learned to do so. Which means that when she gets like that, I stay calm, empathize and let her vent and then give her a little time to reset. After that I start to do the things that she typically finds soothing or fun/funny and before you know it - happy wife again. Before I learned to detach - when she got really angry - I would also get really angry and sometimes we would end up hammering each other. That really sucked. Oh wait that just happened a week ago. Deep sigh - detachment is sometimes easier to describe than implement.... So maybe this is unfair but I am enmeshed when she is happy - and detach so as to be able to actually be supportive when she is being dysfunctional. I think it is very difficult/almost impossible to find someone you can evenly quid/pro quo across the board in all behaviors. Part of a woman's charm is often that she is a little bit nutty. Yeah that's part of it too I'm sure. However if a group of ladies aren't in public and are sitting around their house, chances are if they're friends they won't get dressed up like they do in public. The vanity ties in to it, they want to look good to other men and women.
Recommended Posts