spookie Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 I think it sucks that he was discounting your feelings... but unlike most of the other posters, I think you WERE over-reacting about him going to the game with that girl. I am of the opinion that guys and girls can be friends. I have many male friends, and I have never cheated on anyone. I would be pissed if my bf told me I couldn't go out to dinner/ for drinks/ to a concert, with one of my friends. Do you think your bf wanted to cheat on you? If not, I don't really see what the problem was with him going to the game with his friend.
RobM Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 This is kind of a touchy area, if a guy doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, if it's no big deal to him, and you make a huge deal out of it and tell him he can't do it and the only reason is because you think it's a big deal and you don't like it, his normal reaction is going to be thinking your feelings are just wrong. He certainly could have handled it much better than calling you crazy but the harder you push the more he's going to push back.
Woggle Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 So he is not allowed to have a life of his own. Why do I get the feeling that if the genders were reversed he would be considered jealous and controlling? Are men not allowed to even go to a game if we are in a relationship? If you force any self respecting man to choose between his freedom and a woman most will choose the former.
Pyro Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 So he is not allowed to have a life of his own. Why do I get the feeling that if the genders were reversed he would be considered jealous and controlling? Are men not allowed to even go to a game if we are in a relationship? If you force any self respecting man to choose between his freedom and a woman most will choose the former. read the original post Woggle. How would you feel if your wife was going to baseball games with a guy whom you never met before and whom she only talked to through text? You would be on here crashing the server with your repetitive threads.
Woggle Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 read the original post Woggle. How would you feel if your wife was going to baseball games with a guy whom you never met before and whom she only talked to through text? You would be on here crashing the server with your repetitive threads. She has male friends and I have no issue with her hanging out with them. We live in a world where men and women work side by side. This is not a gender segregated world so friendships will naturally form. According to this logic a bisexual person should not be allowed to have friends at all.
Pyro Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 She has male friends and I have no issue with her hanging out with them. We live in a world where men and women work side by side. This is not a gender segregated world so friendships will naturally form. According to this logic a bisexual person should not be allowed to have friends at all. once again you ignore what I have written. What if you have never met the male friends whom she was hanging out with?
Woggle Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 once again you ignore what I have written. What if you have never met the male friends whom she was hanging out with? I guess that would be a red flag.
Pyro Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 I guess that would be a red flag. You guess correctly. Read the first post of this thread. That is what she is dealing with.
spookie Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 but the bf is not explicitly opposed to her meeting this chick. it just isn't a good occasion this time, because she only has one spare ticket. from the op's post, it doesn't sound like she thinks her bf is trying to cheat on her with this girl. she even says she trusts him, so it's the issues here are jealousy and control. if he was sneaking out behind her back, or repeatedly hanging out with this girl and NOT inviting her, i would think it's a red flag. even if he'd just met her and was going out with her without inviting the gf. but this is a friend he had before. and he's not sneaking around, he just doesn't want to bring her this particular time, for a perfectly normal reason. i think not to ever trust your partner just because he's willingly around people of the other gender whom you've never met is telling of some serious lack of faith in the relationship. just because he values her, and wants to spend time with her, doesn't mean he doesn't value you.
Author Scarlett513 Posted May 1, 2010 Author Posted May 1, 2010 (edited) Just to clarify for those who think I am over-reacting - this is way less about him going to a game with a girl. It's about the fact that he didn't offer the information freely. He told me he was going to the game...I had to ask "With who?" twice before he answered me. And then he made a big deal about how I shouldn't have to know and the fact that I asked was controlling. If, during this conversation, he had offered to have me meet them for a drink afterwards, come home to my place afterwards, or even call me when he got home just to make me feel better, I would have had an easier time accepting this. Instead he just called me crazy and jealous. It's about the fact that this is certainly NOT the first time he's discounted my feelings. In fact, there is a previous post of mine somewhere on this board about a female renter moving in with him, and him dismissing my concerns as crazy and irrational. As I mentioned in the OP, there was another instance of it earlier this week, and in that situation, I caved completely. Did EXACTLY what it was he wanted me to do. And still, days later, when talking about that situation, somehow he is turning it on me and making it my fault. No matter what I do, it's wrong, I have no right to ever ask him any questions ("What did you do tonight?" and "Who was there?" make me a controlling b*tch even when I'm just asking to make conversation or whatever). Maybe I just don't understand why he's so secretive because I am an open book. When I go out with my friends, I tell him where I'm going and with who. Not because I feel I have to but just because there's no reason not to and it's part of the conversation. Whenever I try to explain how I'm feeling, he tells me I'm crazy, over-emotional, and irrational instead of actually listening to me or trying to fix the problem. Because he doesn't really WANT to fix the problem or care how I feel, he just wants me to shut up so he can do whatever he wants regardless of how it makes me feel. Edited May 1, 2010 by Scarlett513
CLC2008 Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 of course he would Agreed. Though, I wouldn't necessarily break up with someone over this one instance. I guess it depends on the type of relationship you want and are comfortable with. Does it include going out with members of the opposite sex alone one-on-one? Often? Or once in a blue moon. All things to consider.
RobM Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Just to clarify for those who think I am over-reacting - this is way less about him going to a game with a girl. It's about the fact that he didn't offer the information freely. He told me he was going to the game...I had to ask "With who?" twice before he answered me. And then he made a big deal about how I shouldn't have to know and the fact that I asked was controlling. If, during this conversation, he had offered to have me meet them for a drink afterwards, come home to my place afterwards, or even call me when he got home just to make me feel better, I would have had an easier time accepting this. Instead he just called me crazy and jealous. From the male perspective, and since this has happened before, he didn't freely offer the information because he knew you would be pissed and would make it into a big deal. In that case most guys would either lie or lie by omission to avoid the drama. I'm not defending how he handled things, from his point of view the only way to avoid drama would have been to say not to the game in the first place and make sure you never found out about it. It kind of puts in a no win position too. Perhaps it's better you broke it off, you two don't sound very compatible.
Els Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 but the bf is not explicitly opposed to her meeting this chick. it just isn't a good occasion this time, because she only has one spare ticket. from the op's post, it doesn't sound like she thinks her bf is trying to cheat on her with this girl. she even says she trusts him, so it's the issues here are jealousy and control. if he was sneaking out behind her back, or repeatedly hanging out with this girl and NOT inviting her, i would think it's a red flag. even if he'd just met her and was going out with her without inviting the gf. but this is a friend he had before. and he's not sneaking around, he just doesn't want to bring her this particular time, for a perfectly normal reason. i think not to ever trust your partner just because he's willingly around people of the other gender whom you've never met is telling of some serious lack of faith in the relationship. just because he values her, and wants to spend time with her, doesn't mean he doesn't value you. If the bf did care, though, he would offer to get her a ticket so she could come along. I have PLENTY of male friends, but if my bf ever wanted to join in our hangouts, I would definitely take him along. Even if it meant paying a few extra bucks. Seriously, how much do baseball games cost unless you're watching international tournaments? 30 bucks?
2sunny Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 sometimes there is no need to actually break up with someone else - they already do that for themselves - this is one of those examples. his lack of character cooked his own goose. i'm glad Scarlett saw him for what he is - he was figuring she'd be willing to overlook all of it. stay strong. you showed that you have self respect.
Green Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Scarlett, i know you dont like this situation but bur dont break up with him over this It's not worth it Its really worth it for her to break up with him he makes her feel really bad. I don't know how the rest of your relationship was but this seems like you way over reacted. His friend gets an extra ticket and invites him, you basically tell him he can't go or else which probably makes him go anyway because he doesn't want you telling him what he can or can't do . So he goes and you dump him, why are you devastated. Did you think that forcing this to an ultimatum would cause him to back down? Other than saying yes to offer of a ticket, you are the one that made all the decisions. If my gf gave me an ultimatum over going to a baseball game alone with a girl I would gladly back down, but thats just me because I like my gf to be the most important woman in my life. I think it sucks that he was discounting your feelings... but unlike most of the other posters, I think you WERE over-reacting about him going to the game with that girl. I am of the opinion that guys and girls can be friends. I have many male friends, and I have never cheated on anyone. I would be pissed if my bf told me I couldn't go out to dinner/ for drinks/ to a concert, with one of my friends. Do you think your bf wanted to cheat on you? If not, I don't really see what the problem was with him going to the game with his friend. Its not even about cheating at that point its boudaries. I would not want to be in an exclusive relationship with a woman who also gives the pleasure of her private company to other men. For that reason I would never put up with this attitude. This is kind of a touchy area, if a guy doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, if it's no big deal to him, and you make a huge deal out of it and tell him he can't do it and the only reason is because you think it's a big deal and you don't like it, his normal reaction is going to be thinking your feelings are just wrong. He certainly could have handled it much better than calling you crazy but the harder you push the more he's going to push back. This isn't simply a situation of a guy not thinking he is doing anything wrong because it involves excluding his gf and including another girl for private fun time. This is not some group activity like a work party that will have a group of people including women. This is a private meeting with another woman and she has every right to ask him not to go otherwise whats the point of even dating. So he is not allowed to have a life of his own. Why do I get the feeling that if the genders were reversed he would be considered jealous and controlling? Are men not allowed to even go to a game if we are in a relationship? If you force any self respecting man to choose between his freedom and a woman most will choose the former. Seriously? You would let your wife go to a game/concert/show ect. with another man, just the two of them... maybe they could go out for dinner afterward just the two of them... and you would be ok with that. She has male friends and I have no issue with her hanging out with them. We live in a world where men and women work side by side. This is not a gender segregated world so friendships will naturally form. According to this logic a bisexual person should not be allowed to have friends at all. There is a difference between having male friends and spending alone time which mimics a romantic relationship. Would you be ok with your wife going back to another mans place to "watch a movie?" Just to clarify for those who think I am over-reacting - this is way less about him going to a game with a girl. No matter what I do, it's wrong, I have no right to ever ask him any questions ("What did you do tonight?" and "Who was there?" make me a controlling b*tch even when I'm just asking to make conversation or whatever). Maybe I just don't understand why he's so secretive because I am an open book. When I go out with my friends, I tell him where I'm going and with who. Not because I feel I have to but just because there's no reason not to and it's part of the conversation. Whenever I try to explain how I'm feeling, he tells me I'm crazy, over-emotional, and irrational instead of actually listening to me or trying to fix the problem. Because he doesn't really WANT to fix the problem or care how I feel, he just wants me to shut up so he can do whatever he wants regardless of how it makes me feel. I didn't need you to clarify, this guy is completly out of line, I know it hurts but you did the right thing. From the male perspective, and since this has happened before, he didn't freely offer the information because he knew you would be pissed and would make it into a big deal. In that case most guys would either lie or lie by omission to avoid the drama. I'm not defending how he handled things, from his point of view the only way to avoid drama would have been to say not to the game in the first place and make sure you never found out about it. It kind of puts in a no win position too. Perhaps it's better you broke it off, you two don't sound very compatible. Ok you just explained why people lie, because they know the truth will piss people off. Is that suposed to make it ok? She has no trust for this guy and he makes her feel really bad about herself... so why should she date him? I don't care what people say, it is so DISRESPECTFUL to be in a relationship then casually say "Oh honey, I'm going out with a friend to the baseball game named Megan" Then he has nerve to tell you are crazy....pfffttttt. Even if you have trust in the relationship, I still think it's disrespectful to go out with a person of the opposite sex as "friends" I'd bring my girl with....I couldn't make her sit and wonder...he could at least invite you...errrr I don't care what they are saying either whats the point of having a romantic relationship with some one if they don't care about your feelings and just go off on private meetings that mimic a romantic relationship. sometimes there is no need to actually break up with someone else - they already do that for themselves - this is one of those examples. his lack of character cooked his own goose. i'm glad Scarlett saw him for what he is - he was figuring she'd be willing to overlook all of it. stay strong. you showed that you have self respect. Seriously stay strong and go NC on this man.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 I totally agree with Green. He sounds like a very uncaring jerk. You're better off without him.
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