Scarlett513 Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 My boyfriend is going to a baseball game with another girl. A "friend." I have never met her, and he hasn't seen her in a long time....they just talk through text. Am I right to be bothered by this? It's not really a jealousy issue, I just feel that out of respect for him, I wouldn't put myself in a similar position, and I would hope he would do the same for me. I told him (rationally) about my concerns and he says I'm over-reacting. This is a common theme in our relationship. I tell him, calmly & rationally, that something is bothering me, and he tells me I'm being crazy. I feel like he is disregarding my feelings (again). Not to mention him choosing to hang out with the other girl on this particular night means we won't be seeing one another all weekend. AM I over-reacting like he says, or am I right to be upset?
Rorschach Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 I don't really know whether you are over reacting or not. I'm not sure if I believe it's completely platonic but I know it's possible. I don't think you were being out of line when you spoke to him though so i definitely think he's being a bit of a jerk for disregarding your feelings. So if nothing else certainly he needs to respect your opinions a bit more.
Author Scarlett513 Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 I think the reason it's upsetting me so much is because earlier this week there was another, totally unrelated issue where I felt that he disregarded my feelings in the same way. Of course, I bend. I feel like I go out of my way to be thoughtful, considerate, respectful, and make sure he is comfortable but I don't get the same in return.
CarrieT Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 The bigger question would be, why weren't you invited along? If it is just platonic, then there would be no issue in bringing along a girlfriend, right?
Author Scarlett513 Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 Apparently she "has an extra ticket." So me going along wouldn't be an option.
alphamale Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 I told him (rationally) about my concerns and he says I'm over-reacting. we'll see how he reacts when u tell him you're going dancing with a male "friend" hes never met
Rorschach Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 The bigger question would be, why weren't you invited along? If it is just platonic, then there would be no issue in bringing along a girlfriend, right? Putting myself in the guys shoes I can understand why you might not want your girlfriend coming along when you met a friend you haven't seen in a long time. Not because there was anything funny going on but because it changes the dynamic you have with your friend. Again it doesn't really prove anything but I can understand somebody not wanting their GF tagging along when you met somebody you haven't seen in a long time, male or female.
Author Scarlett513 Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 alphamale- along those same lines, I asked him how he would feel if the situation were reversed and his response was that he wouldn't care and he "doesn't care what i do." which i feel was a hurtful thing to say in general, and also a cop-out because i DO think he would care if the situation was the other way around.
Rorschach Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 alphamale- along those same lines, I asked him how he would feel if the situation were reversed and his response was that he wouldn't care and he "doesn't care what i do." which i feel was a hurtful thing to say in general, and also a cop-out because i DO think he would care if the situation was the other way around. I think outside of this current situation your boyfriend sounds like a bit of a jerk anyway. Doesn't care about your feelings on this situation and says hurtful things like that. Who is wrong and who is right in this situation seems less important than these other larger problems.
alphamale Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 ...because i DO think he would care if the situation was the other way around. of course he would
2sunny Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 he's a total jerk. i'd call and tell him to f-off! even if he cancels with the other gal now he has proven that he doesn't care enough about you to respect your opinion or position - he's totally willing to disregarding and discount you at every turn. what a complete jerk! be grateful to see it now.
Sazerac Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 alphamale- along those same lines, I asked him how he would feel if the situation were reversed and his response was that he wouldn't care and he "doesn't care what i do." which i feel was a hurtful thing to say in general, and also a cop-out because i DO think he would care if the situation was the other way around. It sounds as if your BF has issues far beyond taking someone else to a ball game. Quite frankly, he sounds like a narcissistic jerk who uses you for a doormat. To dismiss your feelings so arbitrarily demonstrates a significant lack of empathy on his part, whether or not there is any impropriety occurring between him and this lady.
Author Scarlett513 Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 Thanks for all of your replies. It's nice to hear that I might *not* be as crazy as he'd like to make me out to be. We got off the phone before because he was in situation where he was unable to talk. I haven't heard back from him, so I sent him a text saying that he knows how I feel now and what he chooses to do with that is up to him. I'm hoping that sounds as rational as I want it to. I think at this point I want to just see what he does. I'm not going to force the issue. If he goes, I'm OUT. Less because of the specific situation and more because of his disregard for my feelings.
Lucky555 Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 The last guy I was seeing did this with an ex whom he reported was his friend. I had no idea that he was going out with her and he never mentioned it to me. I flipped out! I was not happy then I calmly talked talked about it. He though because they were friends it was ok because she visits him! Red flag I think so. So I asked him about me doing the same thing and he said he would talk about it if it bothered him. However he was lying because I know he would have flipped out too. So as you see you know where your bfs priorities are. If I were you I would take a good look at how the relationship is working. I found the guy I was seeing had no regard toy feelings and was basically not ready for a relationship with me. I stopped talking to him and he stopped talking to me. It's over which I was prepared for but there were flags before this which led to this point. I had known the guy for years so it was tough for a little bit. I do think a guy who wants a relationship and sees you in his future would not be acting like a jerk.your guy is acting like a jerk andthe guy I dated acted like the guy you are seeing... It hurts. In other times I had talked to the guy I was seeing rationally and he just didn't care. I think if your in a relationship it is supposed to be a we can do this and each person considers their other half.
Author Scarlett513 Posted May 1, 2010 Author Posted May 1, 2010 he insisted on going to the game and told me that i was being irrational, jealous, over sensitive, etc. so i broke up with him and now i am devastated. i hate him for choosing this over me and i hate myself for letting him get to me. so depressed.
SarahRose Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 You did the right thing! It doesn't seem like it but you did. Never let a guy walk on you.
bolase Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 (edited) This is really horrible, he will possibly use the situation to justify calling you crazy and jealous and make out that it's all about the ball game and you not allowing him to be friends with this other girl - but that's just the **** that happens, you know and we know you are doing the right thing! Yes you are! Hold your head high no matter what he says. You know that it's not about this little scenario, its his dismissiveness of you and your feelings and the fact that he really isn't that good at listening. Or at being your boyfriend. Listening to your girlfriend is very important and vice versa of course...communication. I agree with the poster who said if he sees you in his future, he wouldn't be a jerk to you. Good move It will hurt a lot but to me he doesn't deserve you. Good on you for having the balls to get out of this. Now try your best to take the high road and stay out of touch..sounds like he will give you **** for this, but thats not your problem. Edited May 1, 2010 by bolase
CarrieT Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 You did the right thing! It doesn't seem like it but you did. Never let a guy walk on you. Totally concur. I know you are hurting now, but you will definitely feel better in the long run by knowing you did the right thing and stood up for yourself. He will probably talk about you and don't let that get to you; he didn't respect you at all and without respect, there can be no honor in a relationship.
Green Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 If you had gone to your boyfriend and said "Jeff is in town and wants to take me to see a concert he only has one ticket" he would be pissed. a) this guy is probably cheating on you or probably will cheat on you one day soon if he hasn't yet. b) Even if he is not cheating on you whats the point of having an exclusive bf if he just goes off and spends alone time with other girls... c) he called you crazy and had no respect for your feelings. abc are all reasons I aplaud you for breaking up with him.
counterman Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 If the situation were reversed, he would be jealous. I doubt he would be speaking calmly and rationally to you about it too; he would make a big deal out of it. There would definitely be a case of double standards. If something is bothering you, then you should always voice it because it'll become a bigger issue later on. I think it is disrespectful that he is calling you crazy. Good on you for breaking up with him.
skydiveaddict Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Scarlett, i know you dont like this situation but bur dont break up with him over this It's not worth it
2sunny Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 i'm proud of you for breaking it off. he wanted you to take his crumbs. crumbs isn't enough. we train men how to treat us - IF we are willing to settle for being low on his list of priorities - that's where we are placed. by telling him "it's not good enough for me" - this shows him that you respect yourself enough to not be treated like second choice. good for you.
BobSacamento Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 This is crazy. When you try to explain something irrational in a rational matter you begin to sound like a mad woman. Fact of the matter is you don't respect your BF.
2sunny Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 This is crazy. When you try to explain something irrational in a rational matter you begin to sound like a mad woman. Fact of the matter is you don't respect your BF. respect is earned. maybe he hasn't earned her respect. why would she respect him when he is disregarding her feelings and discounting her position? i think it's quite the opposite - she is respecting herself. that is the ultimate decision. she's not crazy - she's smart!
RobM Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 he insisted on going to the game and told me that i was being irrational, jealous, over sensitive, etc. so i broke up with him and now i am devastated. i hate him for choosing this over me and i hate myself for letting him get to me. so depressed. I don't know how the rest of your relationship was but this seems like you way over reacted. His friend gets an extra ticket and invites him, you basically tell him he can't go or else which probably makes him go anyway because he doesn't want you telling him what he can or can't do . So he goes and you dump him, why are you devastated. Did you think that forcing this to an ultimatum would cause him to back down? Other than saying yes to offer of a ticket, you are the one that made all the decisions.
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