secretlady76 Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 I read another post on a thread on here and it got me thinking about something that my AP once said about me and I quote "Have you ever been described as addictive?". I am currently now on NC after this brief EA (I am a MW, he was a MM). And I liken this NC to when I stopped smoking 5 years ago. I quit but quite honestly, if I was to get very very drunk I would still consider lighting up (and then kicking myself the following morning). Does anybody else feel like getting over an A is like 'kicking the habit'?????
MizFit Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 I read another post on a thread on here and it got me thinking about something that my AP once said about me and I quote "Have you ever been described as addictive?". I am currently now on NC after this brief EA (I am a MW, he was a MM). And I liken this NC to when I stopped smoking 5 years ago. I quit but quite honestly, if I was to get very very drunk I would still consider lighting up (and then kicking myself the following morning). Does anybody else feel like getting over an A is like 'kicking the habit'????? I do secretlady, but I think ending any relationship is like kicking the habit. I think any relationship is hard to lose and I think our coping and defense mechanisms are just as strong in all of them. I think the thing about an affair is that it doesn't just 'end' gently...the end is the end and you have to deal with the possibility of unresolved feelings and all sorts, but many of those things are left over in a 'normal' relationship too.
Tommy's Girl Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 I read another post on a thread on here and it got me thinking about something that my AP once said about me and I quote "Have you ever been described as addictive?". I am currently now on NC after this brief EA (I am a MW, he was a MM). And I liken this NC to when I stopped smoking 5 years ago. I quit but quite honestly, if I was to get very very drunk I would still consider lighting up (and then kicking myself the following morning). Does anybody else feel like getting over an A is like 'kicking the habit'????? YES. Girl, you are not alone. It does feel like kicking a habit to me. I doubt myself continuously. It's a crazy feeling. How long have you been on NC?
Author secretlady76 Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 YES. Girl' date=' you are not alone. It does feel like kicking a habit to me. I doubt myself continuously. It's a crazy feeling. How long have you been on NC?[/quote'] 3/4 weeks maybe, although we have to still see eachother, can't avoid that, but it is not for long so it is bearable. We keep it polite......!!
Owl Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 I would agree with Mizfit that ending any relationship can be/feel "addictive". But I disagree that there's no level of difference between an affair and other relationships. I think that in many, many cases affairs are FAR more addictive to the participants than 'normal' relationships are.
grogster Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 (edited) I would agree with Mizfit that ending any relationship can be/feel "addictive". But I disagree that there's no level of difference between an affair and other relationships. I think that in many, many cases affairs are FAR more addictive to the participants than 'normal' relationships are. As a romantic affair veteran, I can attest that Owl speaks the truth. In a romantic affair, the highs are higher and the lows are lower than in a legitimate relationship-- by a different order of magnitude. Everything about a romantic affair, the secrecy, the intensity, the trysts, the affair bubble, the stolen moments together render the experience highly pleasurable and addictive. But then comes the inevitable crash, which can devastate the APs and their loved ones. Collateral damage. A romantic affair is akin to relationship "crack" and about as healthy. Edited April 29, 2010 by grogster
Hazyhead Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 (edited) I agree with you guys that affairs are that more addictive than 'normal' relationships because of the nature of the encounters. Further to that there is the secret communication: the constant texts/emails; the habitual checking of the phone; the thrill of sharing secret intense words. Leaving the A behind is in so many ways akin to cracking a habit. Support and strength is needed to get through it. I now know, to my peril, that I'd rather the long term security and stability of a long term, committed, monogamous relationship. Edited April 29, 2010 by Hazyhead
MorningCoffee Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 I agree -- I heard the addiction claim from my AP, too. I think there are at least two factors. One: an A generally has most of the best elements (fun, high esteem, excitement) without some of the draggier elements (the kids' bad report card, dealing with a leaking roof, financing orthodenture) of the normal relationship or M. Two: in a PA, the partners are likely getting a super-intense dose of the brain's natural "feel-good" chemicals, which are very like those involved in opiate addictions. Those good, good feelings are part of the A fog and are hard to give up.
califnan Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 Being in a relationship that isn't meant to be - is going nowhere, can be an addiction. Lenghly shopping, internet .. it can all become an addiction. I think an addiction is something that would take you off track..
joey66 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Hi sl, It is sooooo very much like an addiction. (I have some experience here, I'm sad to say.) And an EMR is much worse than a "normal" relationship, for all the reasons already cited. Like any taboo, it generates a wonderful rush. This is why it's so hard to let it go when you have to see the OP on a regular basis. It's like trying to get beyond alcoholism while still having a drink with lunch everyday.
Just a stone's throw Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 So there is Antibuse for Alcoholics, and Methadone for Narcotic's abusers which makes them get over the addiction or their bodies repel the very substance that they are addicted to. What is akin to those things in concurring an Affair addiction? What pokes you in the eye everytime you think of the exAP and helps you to stop the torture that is the wallowing in the memories of the A? NC and LS are like a 12 step program but they are not the same as Antibuse or Methadone. Obviously substituting one addiction for another (as some posters have claimed here lately, i.e. wine or sleeping pills) is not good. Counseling is an adjunct. Just wondering about the thoughts on this. SL, not meaning to T/J just expanding on the addiction concept and another thread seemed overkill. JAST
carhill Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I think psychological counseling helped me better understand the psychology of unhealthy attachments, like affairs, and put together behavior modifications to process the path in a different, healthier way. I can only imagine, not having an addictive personality, what such a path would be like for someone so afflicted. I've noted commonalities (failed marriages, risky sexual behaviors, alcohol and substance abuse, as examples) in people who demonstrate signs/affectations of brain chemistry trending towards excess and addiction. Once I could clearly see the psychology of addiction in myself, wrt affairs, and without exception to addictive personalities, I better understand the dynamic and how being involved with such personalities was/is unhealthy for myself. So, now, I avoid them, at all levels, except for the most superficial of emotional attachments. It's a conscious choice, like an alcoholic never touching a drink again, ever.
SavannahSmiles Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Addiction to drugs can be lifetime struggle just because the body has already depended on it. It's hard to not have the desire to return to the habit. With an affair, if the right steps are taken through NC, over time the need or desire for that person should diminish. I guess it depends on each person's circumstances. Maybe you could compare it to this: If the love of your life died and you eventually found someone else, you'd never forget that love, but you'd get on with your life and love the one you're with.
Author secretlady76 Posted May 1, 2010 Author Posted May 1, 2010 Addiction to drugs can be lifetime struggle just because the body has already depended on it. It's hard to not have the desire to return to the habit. With an affair, if the right steps are taken through NC, over time the need or desire for that person should diminish. I guess it depends on each person's circumstances. Maybe you could compare it to this: If the love of your life died and you eventually found someone else, you'd never forget that love, but you'd get on with your life and love the one you're with. Yeah, but I haven't found someone else, I am with the person I married before I met the MM, the person I was with before this other person entered and exited my life like a tornado....and I don't see him dying down in the near future either, he's just sitting there in the near distance, so near and yet so far, but near enough to be a tease.....I can't stand it.
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