fellforher Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 I want to be clear that I have never cheated in my life on any girl. I have met someone who I have spent the past 4 months with and who I have fallen for. She is amazing and beautiful and makes me so happy. 2 months in I was doing laundry. My laundry room is shared by all apt dwellers and a lot are girls. I brought my laundry back and saw a pair of panties in there. I stupidly assumed they were hers and just put them in my underwear drawer for her to get when she wanted. For some dumb reason I felt like she left them there to have a spare when she was spending the night. Well she found them and they were not hers. She says she has been cheated on in the past and is vary wary of being hurt. She confronted me about them and I explained what happened. To her credit she accepted my explanation after a while but I know it created doubt. A few weeks ago I did laundry again and yes another freaking pair of black panties was in my clothes when I did laundry. She also had some under the bed that fell there. I messed up and assumed they were both hers and did not check the size (they looked about the same). But this time I left both of them out for her to see and take. I did not want her to think I was hiding anything. This backfired because once again I guess some girls panties were in my laundry. Unreal that my luck is this bad. Now she has given me all my stuff back and I think I am going to lose her. I swear to her that I don't want anyone else but I don't think she believes me. I am completely crushed by this and it hurts because how can I convince her that she is all I want. I know it sounds crazy but it is all true. I am going to lose my girl because I was stupid about laundry. I do not know what to do and I have never met a girl like this before. I want to move in with her and be fully committed and now this has happened. Is there anything I can do to get her to believe me?
Sazerac Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 First of all, I believe you when you say you are not cheating. If you haven't given your girl any reason to doubt you other than the circumstantial evidence of stray panties in the laundry (which in a communally shared apartment laundry isn't surprising; neither are stray socks), then I think she is being rather unreasonable in her suspicions. You don't say how old you are, but I would imagine she's rather young and somewhat immature. All I can say is give it some time and try to keep the lines of communication open with her. Hopefully she will come back around. And the next time you find stray panties in your laundry, leave them in the laundry room for whoever they belong to to claim them. If in doubt, err on the side of safety. You've been burned twice now.
Els Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 Why can't you just keep your own laundry basket and do your laundry separately?? I thought most people do that anyway. I certainly do, unless I'm living with the bf/family. Mixing your undies with others' is just.. I dunno.
Author fellforher Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 Sazerac..thanks. She is a little younger then me, (25, me early30s) And Elswyth I do my laundry separately. It is just that spare socks and small stuff (like black panties) are easy to grab accidentally when people share a laundry room.
Author fellforher Posted May 1, 2010 Author Posted May 1, 2010 We went out last night and layed on the sofa together for a bit before I left her. We are talking and having fun again but this incident has hurt us both. Before we reconciled, she sent me an angry text saying how she was never good enough for a guy and was not perfect and she felt stupid for trusting that she was all I needed. She apologized later and said she was frustrated from thinking about it at work all day, but it really affected me and I felt horrible. The fact is that for me she IS all I need and I consider her to be perfect for me. She is also incredibly beautiful and natural. Just everything I have wanted in a girl. I have thought about telling her that when I see her again because I can't stand to think that she is hurting and feeling this way. Should I just let everything go and not bring it up anymore or tell her? I am trying to think of a way to tell her without upsetting her by making her think of the past few days. She wants to believe me but does not fully trust me right now. Things were going so perfect for us last week until Wednesday night. We have an amazing relationship and now it has been damaged over a misunderstanding.
RobM Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Maybe you should talk her into doing your laundry from now on.
Author fellforher Posted May 1, 2010 Author Posted May 1, 2010 Maybe you should talk her into doing your laundry from now on. LOL. Funny but seriously something I considered. I feel bad though because she hates laundry as much as me. I actually am going to pay to have my laundry done by someone I think.
D-Lish Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 I also believe you when you say you aren't cheating and this ordeal was a genuine accident. Now is the time to be as reassuring as possible to her. I would be suspicious too, but a large part of me would reason that a guy couldn't be so stupid as to cheat and keep underwear where I'd obviously find it. The thing with people is that sometimes they will claim to be over something, and you might think it's resolved... but it keeps coming up over and over again in so many different ways. She may feel confident you are sincere one day and then doubt you the next. She may get angry at you one day because you are late picking her up and before you know it she's accusing you of cheating again. The doubt is present unfortunately. I really do think you have to concentrate on being reassuring to her.
Author fellforher Posted May 2, 2010 Author Posted May 2, 2010 (edited) Thanks for your advice. I am lucky tat she is a really cool girl and doesnt jump on me too much for being late or anything. We never fight. We literally have never fought and this is the first incident that we have ever had. She is the best I have ever had in bed and there is simply no reason I could ever fathom cheating. She is doing a girls night tonight and may come over later. Part of me wants to sit her down and look her in the eyes and tell her how amazing she is to me and how I would never be unfaithful. I want to tell her that I think she is perfect and all I want. Because these things are all true and I am falling in love with her. I am not going to tell her that yet because it may come as fake. I know I need to win her trust back before I tell her I love her. When you say I should reassure her, can you give me more examples of what I can do? Edited May 2, 2010 by fellforher
D-Lish Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 When you say I should reassure her, can you give me more examples of what I can do? What you said you aren't ready to do in the next passage: Part of me wants to sit her down and look her in the eyes and tell her how amazing she is to me and how I would never be unfaithful. I want to tell her that I think she is perfect and all I want. Because these things are all true and I am falling in love with her. I am not going to tell her that yet because it may come as fake. I know I need to win her trust back before I tell her I love her. You don't have to tell her you are falling in love with her, but you can reassure her in the way I bolded- your own words. I think that would go a long way to helping her to trust you. Why wouldn't you want to say those things yet? I think those words are exactly what she needs to hear right now. Words only come off as fake when you don't mean them. You obviously do mean them. I think this is precisely the time to open yourself up.
Author fellforher Posted May 2, 2010 Author Posted May 2, 2010 Ok great. I have told her those things in the past but I need to do it more. I was planning to say those things and just wondered what other ideas you had to reassure her. Sounds like I was thinking correctly. I really appreciate the advice! I have dated a lot of girls and know a ton of things about how to meet and date girls, but I have never felt this way before and it is new territory for me.
D-Lish Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Ok great. I have told her those things in the past but I need to do it more. I was planning to say those things and just wondered what other ideas you had to reassure her. Sounds like I was thinking correctly. I really appreciate the advice! I have dated a lot of girls and know a ton of things about how to meet and date girls, but I have never felt this way before and it is new territory for me. Honestly? Once you are IN a relationship, you can never tell a girl "too much" how beautiful she is, how smart she is, how sexy she is, how much she makes you happy". It's that constant reassurance that makes her confident in the relationship. In a guys mind, they don't believe that a beautiful woman in their eyes needs to be told how beautiful and important they are- because you assume they already know it... But even the most confident women need to hear this from the guys they are dating. Its about striking a balance between making her feel secure- but always standing up for yourself too. That's the difference between being a "nice guy" and being a desirable boyfriend.
Author fellforher Posted May 2, 2010 Author Posted May 2, 2010 Ok good because I assumed that she may find it to be "lines" or something if I did it all the time. But you are right. I do not tell her enough how I feel and that may also be a reason why this incident has been so big.
D-Lish Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Ok good because I assumed that she may find it to be "lines" or something if I did it all the time. But you are right. I do not tell her enough how I feel and that may also be a reason why this incident has been so big. And you don't have to go "big" with the compliments and go overboard. Just tell her "you look hot today", or " love your bum in those jeans"... When you have a good reaction to something, voice it. The little things will add up and work in your favour. Next time you have to confront this underwear thing, you should "go big" and say what you said in the post...then you can just revert to the small compliments. Being consistent with the small stuff will go a long way, trust me.
ADF Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Your GF sounds both paranoid and resentful. She has been cheated on in the past by other men, so assumes you'll cheat, too. She has been hurt by other men, so she's going to make you pay for their sins. I'm sorry, but people like her are likely to make a mountain out of any molehill. If it wasn't the panties, it would have been something else.
D-Lish Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 (edited) Your GF sounds both paranoid and resentful. She has been cheated on in the past by other men, so assumes you'll cheat, too. She has been hurt by other men, so she's going to make you pay for their sins. I'm sorry, but people like her are likely to make a mountain out of any molehill. If it wasn't the panties, it would have been something else. Finding panties (TWICE) that aren't yours in your bf's drawer are a legitimate concern, and it is something to be concerned about. She's not paranoid even though he hasn't cheated. She would be paranoid if she was accusing him and treating him badly without cause. If someone wrote in and said they found undies in their SO's apartment on two separate occasions, what would you tell them... You'd probably say they were naive, they were being cheated on, and needed to dump the douchebag. Edited May 2, 2010 by D-Lish
ADF Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Finding panties (TWICE) that aren't yours in your bf's drawer are a legitimate concern, and it is something to be concerned about. She's not paranoid even though he hasn't cheated. She would be paranoid if she was accusing him and treating him badly without cause. If someone wrote in and said they found undies in their SO's apartment on two separate occasions, what would you tell them... You'd probably say they were naive, they were being cheated on, and needed to dump the douchebag. Maybe so. I reread the story, and something about it doesn't make sense to me. If the panties in question weren't his GF's, why didn't HE know that? Clearly, this woman doesn't live with him. It's not like she has four dozen pairs of underwear at his house. If she left panties at his house, he would most likely have seen her wearing them. If she planned to leave some of her clothes at his house, she probably would have asked him to clear a drawer or something. The more I think about, the more I wonder if this isn't all a story.
Author fellforher Posted May 2, 2010 Author Posted May 2, 2010 uhh..no it's not a story. I just assumed that the panties were hers and did not think. They were black viccy secret boy shorts and not really unique enough for me to think much about it. We spend the night at each others places all the time. The first time it happened we were together for only a month, so i seriously doubt she would feel right about asking me to clear a drawer out for her. Why would I make up a story like this anyway? What a ridiculous thing to think.
Sazerac Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Why would I make up a story like this anyway? What a ridiculous thing to think. I agree. No, your girlfriend isn't paranoid. I think she is very insecure, which seems to be an epidemic nowadays. So the advice others have given about reassuring her about her importance to you and how wonderful she is is doubly important. She has to be "re-tuned" to accepting herself as worthy of being loved by someone worthwhile; otherwise, she'll continue to see shadows where none exist. As others here at LS tend to do--sometimes.
D-Lish Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Well, I don't believe he is telling "a story". Why not just come on and say he cheated as no one knows him, and he has no reason to lie given that the forum is anonymous. I did laundry at my parents house not so long ago and came home with my DAD's() underwear in my bundle, it happens.
txsilkysmoothe Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 I accept your story, but just wonder what the odds are that in a two month span - you had another person's laundry twice, and the laundry was a woman's garment both times, and the garment was panties both times
Author fellforher Posted May 2, 2010 Author Posted May 2, 2010 I accept your story, but just wonder what the odds are that in a two month span - you had another person's laundry twice, and the laundry was a woman's garment both times, and the garment was panties both times I know. But panties are really small and both pairs were black. I don't understand why this happened twice. It is a horrible situation, but I have never cheated on my girl.
D-Lish Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 I accept your story, but just wonder what the odds are that in a two month span - you had another person's laundry twice, and the laundry was a woman's garment both times, and the garment was panties both times In other words, you don't accept his story and are basing your response on not believing him. That renders your advice rather useless if he's genuine and you're responding to your belief he isn't sincere. Respond to him as if you believe his story, or it's not helpful.
D-Lish Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 I know. But panties are really small and both pairs were black. I don't understand why this happened twice. It is a horrible situation, but I have never cheated on my girl. Listen to the advice of people that are responding to your question, not to people that are trying to make you out to be a bad guy for doing something you haven't done. That's counter-productive.
CLC2008 Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 2 months in I was doing laundry. My laundry room is shared by all apt dwellers and a lot are girls. I brought my laundry back and saw a pair of panties in there. I stupidly assumed they were hers and just put them in my underwear drawer for her to get when she wanted. For some dumb reason I felt like she left them there to have a spare when she was spending the night. My concern here is why wouldn't your gf leave a spare in your drawer or something? Because in order for them to end up with your clean laundry, they would have had to have been with your dirty laundry (i.e. your hamper). Twice.
Recommended Posts