OTown42 Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 Hi, this is my first post but I have found reading the posts on here to be very helpful. Here is my situation. I was in a long distance relationship and it was great. However there were problems. My ex is from the town I live in and she was attempting to move back upon securing employment. She has a great job where she is so she is looking for something similar. We live about a 4 and a half hour drive apart. Part of my work includes a lot of international travel and for about a year I was living out of a suitcase travelling between home, her place and whereever I needed to go for work. It drained me, I was tired all the time, always trying to feel normal again....hard to describe but I wasn't myself anymore. As well, we were both so ready to move on in the relationship but we were spinning our wheels waiting for her to get back home. It caused things to be put on hold and not let us move along naturally. The result of all this is that she lost feeling for me because of the stress and strain I was under from all the travel. We split up last November and I limited my work travel and only then did I truly discover the effect it was having on me. I started feeling a lot better and back to my old self. We discussed this, mostly over email after about a month of no contact. We mostly talked over email in a friendly fun way and then in late March we spent two weekends together. We are still in different cities but we tried. She became distant after the second weekend together. I'm not sure if it's still the distance or what, her family and friends are mostly all back in the city I live and she is not completely happy where she is. This is what she told me basically when I suggested another weekend together a couple of weeks ago: "You are my best friend, I love you, you are the greatest, most wonderful man I have ever known but I don't think I love you the way a woman should love her man. I don't know if it's because of the things that happened between us or what. I want you in my life it may sound selfish but if you can't do it I understand" I wrote her a short reply to this and have not had any contact since. That was 16 days ago. I know enough to read between the lines of what she said....probably just trying to let me down easy, etc. I know I have to continue on with the no contact. I know I need to let go and I am focused on that. However, my problem is that I feel slighted because I truly feel that if we ended up in the same city sooner then none of the issues we had would have ever come up. Part of me still feels like if she did move here things would work out but as I say I am focused on moving on....at least trying to make that my main goal....I'm doing ok so far but I'm not going to say it's easy. Which brings me to this point. I just heard today from my buddy, who is mutual friends with one of her friends that she will be in town this weekend and they all want to go out tomorrow night. Hearing this has caused a bad feeling in my stomach. I wish the weekend would just pass. My buddy who told me just wanted to give me a heads up....I've talked to him the most about this situation so he understands where I am coming from. I told him I appreciate the heads up but I would prefer that from now on not to pass any more information my way. Obviously if he knows that our paths would cross he would tell me so I could avoid it. Anyway sorry for the long winded post but I guess I need motivation or even more confirmation not to blow my no contact run that I have gone through to this point.
northstar1 Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 (edited) Sorry to hear your pain. You seem like a mature sensible guy who is dealing with this pretty well. It seems that she loved you, but at some point in the relationship something changed for her, and either she was no longer willing to fight for it, or her feelings began to ebb. The fact that she vocalized that she didn't feel she still had the feelings for you that she felt she should would indicate she is being honest with you. I understand the frustration that things COULD have worked out if situations had been different, or if one or both had been willing to stick out the rough patches. Once someone gets to that point of saying that, it's rare they can ever go back to the point where they did have those feelings. I also know how hard it is to reach out to an ex to talk and not hear back. It really is hard pill to swallow. But you will get through it, and I would suggest staying NC and keeping busy with friends etc. If she truly wants to make it work again, she'll let you know. Keep posting here though. Edited April 29, 2010 by northstar1
Author OTown42 Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 Thanks northstar, it helps to hear it from other people. Makes me feel better about what I am doing. I still think that I will always feel slighted that we didn't get a true chance. The other issue I have is that she never discussed what we went through, I explained to her the effects of travel were having on me and how they changed me and how I have corrected things but she never once talked about the effect it had on us. I guess if it was important enough to her she would have but I didn't want to force that discussion on her. Maybe I should have, maybe not.....it's on her now and if the discussion comes then it will but I'm not going to wait for it.
northstar1 Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 Thanks northstar, it helps to hear it from other people. Makes me feel better about what I am doing. I still think that I will always feel slighted that we didn't get a true chance. The other issue I have is that she never discussed what we went through, I explained to her the effects of travel were having on me and how they changed me and how I have corrected things but she never once talked about the effect it had on us. I guess if it was important enough to her she would have but I didn't want to force that discussion on her. Maybe I should have, maybe not.....it's on her now and if the discussion comes then it will but I'm not going to wait for it. I agree, I feel the same. We also ran into a bad patch based on a few things going on in our lives. I corrected things from my end as best as I could , but it seemed she never could let go of her skepticism or fear and so the relationship just was left on shaky ground. It's all you can do, is to move on and if they truly feel they made a mistake and want to fight for it, they will. It's though, but you can't break NC to keep trying, it will just push them further away and leave you feeling even more vulnerable.
Author OTown42 Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 I must say I'm glad I found these forums. I was doing a lot better than I expected I would be up to this point. The fact that she will be here this weekend is tough for me. I will not contact her, I am making that promise to myself but I know it will be another step further apart once the weekend passes and that's what is making me think about it too much. As you can tell it has caused me to waver and I have hopes and feelings of reconciliation coming to me that I know aren't doing me any good. I guess it's a natural thing to go through and I obviously have had those thoughts in the past few weeks but they are fleeting, unfortunately these are going to be constant throughout the weekend but I will say that I have a full Saturday planned with my friends so that will make it easier.
northstar1 Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 I must say I'm glad I found these forums. I was doing a lot better than I expected I would be up to this point. The fact that she will be here this weekend is tough for me. I will not contact her, I am making that promise to myself but I know it will be another step further apart once the weekend passes and that's what is making me think about it too much. As you can tell it has caused me to waver and I have hopes and feelings of reconciliation coming to me that I know aren't doing me any good. I guess it's a natural thing to go through and I obviously have had those thoughts in the past few weeks but they are fleeting, unfortunately these are going to be constant throughout the weekend but I will say that I have a full Saturday planned with my friends so that will make it easier. Yes, that's tough, keep busy with friends. I know how hard the wavering is. My ex lives 5 minutes from me, and the temptation to go see her and try and talk is sometimes very hard. But the way I look at it when I am wavering is that if she truly wanted this, she'd fight for it and reach out and wouldn't be deterred by time or pride or that.
Author OTown42 Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 Thanks again northstar, I like what you wrote about the wavering. That is what I want and need from her at this point, it's the only way I could ever be at peace with it. Not expecting it so the focus is on no contact and moving on and letting go but I do know I won't stop the wavering and your little tip will be really helpful.
northstar1 Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 Thanks again northstar, I like what you wrote about the wavering. That is what I want and need from her at this point, it's the only way I could ever be at peace with it. Not expecting it so the focus is on no contact and moving on and letting go but I do know I won't stop the wavering and your little tip will be really helpful. No problem man. Stick around the boards, there are lot of good folks here who have been through it and can offer good advice.
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