I'm so angry with myself!!

[Tommy's Girl]

I think you were testing yourself to see what kind of emotional cost there would be. I don't think you contacted him to open the door. If you emailed and the result didn't hurt, you'd know you were on the right path to healing.

 

It's so funny to me how a lot of the NC's get broken when alcohol is involved. I was with my SO this weekend out of town, and xMM texted. I was a little tipsy, thought nothing of it, so answered. It was an innocent question. The next day, I felt terrible. I felt like even though there was nothing inappropriate said, I felt as if I had been disrespectful to my SO. So a drunken reply cost me more than it was worth. I emailed xMM the next day and told him that it was too disrespectful to my SO for me to be in any kind of contact with him.

 

So that's that... dust yourself off and move on.

 

Jthorne - I admire you so much for this. So many people - including myself- forget that it is disrespectful to have any contact. I've returned a couple of e-mails lately and really felt like dirt afterwards. Like you, it was innocent but it's just the fact that I shouldn't have responded in the first place. I feel like my situation is insignificant compared to yours and other who have had PAs, but I still got my heart involved. I'll have a string of really good days where I'm just focused on my husband and my family and then I'll have a bad one like recently when I broke NC returning a stupid e-mail. It sets me back and makes me feel like crap. It does help to read everyone's story. It especially helps when people like you are honest so that when the rest of us mess up, we can admit it too and keep pressing on. Thanks so much for your honesty.

[fooled once]

I did think that this morning when the call came in but its not good to bring it to work.

If he rings me again at work I will mention it but I think he got the message by my response and I do think it was his W that insisted he called as he is very 'work' driven and has always said in the past when he has wanted to 'talk' that he wouldn't ring me at work.

 

But don't people at your work already know about you two?

 

OK, so a really good night last night, some very good advice and I thank you all for that...then I go and spoil it all!!!

 

I only went and e mailed him!! WTF was I thinking???

 

I'd had a couple of glasses of wine and was feeling quite positive TBH, so why oh why???

 

It could of been worse I guess, it wasnt a bad, begging kind of e mail, just a 'I'm moving on' kind of e mail....F*CK!!!

 

Basically it said, 'you will not hear from me again, Vegas is my timeline to get over 'us' and if I hear nothing from you then I will take it you have realised that what we had wasn't real.. please be happy....'

 

I sooo hated myself when I woke this morning but when I read it I thought 'ok, its not that bad' just a blip, right??

 

I was still positive when I got to work, again just telling myself its ok, he'll either delete it without reading it or read it and think, 'whatever'...no harm done right, except to my pride.....

 

My desk phone rang and it was him, his number didn't show at first as he had reception put him through.....I was like 'hello, H4U speaking' he was like 'ITS ME'....i nearly pee'd my pants TBH!!

 

So I just kept saying I'm at work, I can't talk....his W was there I think as he was saying how we hadnt spoken for wks but how can he ring me at work....what an ass!!

 

Anyway, I rang him when I got home, he didn't answer, surprise, surprise. I left a message saying how out of order he was ringing me at work and that he obviously couldn't speak to me without his W's hand up his ass telling him what to say!!

 

Yes I know i'm immature but to ring me at work!!

 

I'm not sure who I am more angry with, myself or him??

 

My only question here is why did you call him back when you got home? To tell him not to call you? Very confusing and mixed messages.

 

I know we all make mistakes, and it is kinda silly for people to get on high horses and say "we all make mistakes".

 

While that is very true, we all also know the difference between right and wrong.

 

When a person continues to 'make mistakes' or do wrong things - IMHO - they don't get to get on that high horse and say 'we all make mistakes'.

 

My only concern for you is that you are still waiting for him to reach out to you and you want him to ((hug))

 

BUT I think you are also doing fantastic. Yes, you screwed up last night. But I think calling him back today was 'worse' than emailing him. To me, you handed your power right back to him.

 

2sunny was dead on when she said HE decided your boundaries. And I love that you see that and have realized he doesn't get to decide your boundaries.

 

I hope you have a fantastic vacation!! Vegas is great - H and I went there for our 10th wedding anniversary 2 years ago. We had a great time and even walked away a couple hundred dollars ahead!! We have plans to go back soon!

 

Be easy on yourself and keep concentrating on healing. You are really doing well!

[jthorne]

Jthorne - I admire you so much for this. So many people - including myself- forget that it is disrespectful to have any contact. I've returned a couple of e-mails lately and really felt like dirt afterwards. Like you' date=' it was innocent but it's just the fact that I shouldn't have responded in the first place. I feel like my situation is insignificant compared to yours and other who have had PAs, but I still got my heart involved. I'll have a string of really good days where I'm just focused on my husband and my family and then I'll have a bad one like recently when I broke NC returning a stupid e-mail. It sets me back and makes me feel like crap. It does help to read everyone's story. It especially helps when people like you are honest so that when the rest of us mess up, we can admit it too and keep pressing on. Thanks so much for your honesty.[/quote']To clarify, I never cheated on my SO. I admire him far too much to do that! My A was over before I got involved with him. Nevertheless, I wouldn't have appreciated him responding to a text from his ex-GF while we were out, so I shouldn't have done it, even though it was to answer a question about the show we were attending.

 

So anyway, my bad judgement taught me a lesson, and now xMM knows he's not to contact me again.

 

Sorry for the tj!

[ladydesigner]

Hope you are doing better today sweetie. Don't beat yourself up over this minor incident. As one other poster stated that your XMM also broke NC so no worries.

 

Delete his email then you wont have the chance to email him again when you are feeling all warm and fuzzy from the vino (I know since I myself came very close to breaking NC while drinking wine one night:laugh:). I have since deleted my XOM's email address.

 

Take care

[Fallen Angel]

I totally can understand drunk calls/texts/emails. I think everyone has done something similar at some point. LOL. For me when I get drunk I call my sister, and when she is drunk she calls me. being :otipsy is just one of those "I want to get totally honest" times, and for me and my sister our safe "honest" place is with each other.

 

There are only two people in this world that I can tell anything to, and I know they will love me despite it, she is one of them. *shrug*

 

When you are ANGRY and drunk.. watch out!! There is a lot of truth to be found at the bottom of a bottle, and that is one reason why when you drink while you are angry/hurt/sad you tend to confront the people who made you feel that way.

 

Might I make a suggestion that may sound silly, but may help you in the future?

 

My suggestion is to create a "dummy email account" that is very similar to his email. Something like if his email is [email protected] then create an account like [email protected], actually sign up for an account with that name. Then use the new altered email address to replace his address in your email addy book.

 

That way, when you feel the drunken need to send off some kind of email to him, you will be able to click his email in your address book (not really cause it has been replaced by your new one ) and fire off whatever scathing hellfire, or sobbing sadsack email you want. the feeling you get when you hit send will be fulfilling, but he will never get the message. Then you can go back and read what you wrote when you are sober, and thank your lucky stars that you didn't actually send it to him again.

 

I have done this with my exH's email addy. It would be counterproductive for me to tell him what a total assclown I think he is, but when I am drunk and want to tell him that I would love to stab him in the eyeball with a plastic fork, I can say it! he never gets the email, and I can feel better knwoing that I didn't sink to actually contacting him to tell him that. *shrug* anyway, it seems silly, but it helps me.

[JustJoe]

Hopeless, it happened to me too, so don't beat your self up about it. My Mw called me at the Officers club, while I was drinking and without looking to see who it was, I heard her voice. This happened Tuesday.