I'm so angry with myself!!

[hopeless4u]

OK, so a really good night last night, some very good advice and I thank you all for that...then I go and spoil it all!!!

 

I only went and e mailed him!! WTF was I thinking???

 

I'd had a couple of glasses of wine and was feeling quite positive TBH, so why oh why???

 

It could of been worse I guess, it wasnt a bad, begging kind of e mail, just a 'I'm moving on' kind of e mail....F*CK!!!

 

Basically it said, 'you will not hear from me again, Vegas is my timeline to get over 'us' and if I hear nothing from you then I will take it you have realised that what we had wasn't real.. please be happy....'

 

I sooo hated myself when I woke this morning but when I read it I thought 'ok, its not that bad' just a blip, right??

 

I was still positive when I got to work, again just telling myself its ok, he'll either delete it without reading it or read it and think, 'whatever'...no harm done right, except to my pride.....

 

My desk phone rang and it was him, his number didn't show at first as he had reception put him through.....I was like 'hello, H4U speaking' he was like 'ITS ME'....i nearly pee'd my pants TBH!!

 

So I just kept saying I'm at work, I can't talk....his W was there I think as he was saying how we hadnt spoken for wks but how can he ring me at work....what an ass!!

 

Anyway, I rang him when I got home, he didn't answer, surprise, surprise. I left a message saying how out of order he was ringing me at work and that he obviously couldn't speak to me without his W's hand up his ass telling him what to say!!

 

Yes I know i'm immature but to ring me at work!!

 

I'm not sure who I am more angry with, myself or him??

[secretlady76]

Oh dear, we've all done it, especially after the dreaded wine. All I will say is..........DON'T DO IT AGAIN!!!!!

 

Remember to keep reading the NC posts ESPECIALLY AFTER CONSUMING ALCOHOL!!!!

 

I can imagine how much of an idiot you are currently feeling like. I know the feeling well!!!!!!

[jthorne]

I think you were testing yourself to see what kind of emotional cost there would be. I don't think you contacted him to open the door. If you emailed and the result didn't hurt, you'd know you were on the right path to healing.

 

It's so funny to me how a lot of the NC's get broken when alcohol is involved. I was with my SO this weekend out of town, and xMM texted. I was a little tipsy, thought nothing of it, so answered. It was an innocent question. The next day, I felt terrible. I felt like even though there was nothing inappropriate said, I felt as if I had been disrespectful to my SO. So a drunken reply cost me more than it was worth. I emailed xMM the next day and told him that it was too disrespectful to my SO for me to be in any kind of contact with him.

 

So that's that... dust yourself off and move on.

[hopeless4u]

Oh dear, we've all done it, especially after the dreaded wine. All I will say is..........DON'T DO IT AGAIN!!!!!

 

Remember to keep reading the NC posts ESPECIALLY AFTER CONSUMING ALCOHOL!!!!

 

I can imagine how much of an idiot you are currently feeling like. I know the feeling well!!!!!!

 

The worst thing is SL I've had no desire to contact him TBH.

I've written e mails in the last 8 wks about how I'm feeling(most nights!) but with no intention of sending, just to vent and get those feelings out.

 

I have told myself and still do that it makes no difference how I feel its him who needs to sort his head out and me contacting him will not help.

 

Grrrr! What a fool I am.....just a blip though, right??

[hopeless4u]

I think you were testing yourself to see what kind of emotional cost there would be. I don't think you contacted him to open the door. If you emailed and the result didn't hurt, you'd know you were on the right path to healing.

 

It's so funny to me how a lot of the NC's get broken when alcohol is involved. I was with my SO this weekend out of town, and xMM texted. I was a little tipsy, thought nothing of it, so answered. It was an innocent question. The next day, I felt terrible. I felt like even though there was nothing inappropriate said, I felt as if I had been disrespectful to my SO. So a drunken reply cost me more than it was worth. I emailed xMM the next day and told him that it was too disrespectful to my SO for me to be in any kind of contact with him.

 

So that's that... dust yourself off and move on.

Yep JT, dust myself off and put it down to me being stupid....you are right I think with the testing myself as there was nothing in the e mail asking him to contact me or about how I was feeling(thank god) and I guess I proved I'm still a mess when it comes to him!!

I was shaking all over when I heard his voice!!

 

It makes me so mad that I can't just give him the finger!!

 

Grrrrr!!

[MorningCoffee]

The worst thing is SL I've had no desire to contact him TBH.

I've written e mails in the last 8 wks about how I'm feeling(most nights!) but with no intention of sending, just to vent and get those feelings out.

 

I have told myself and still do that it makes no difference how I feel its him who needs to sort his head out and me contacting him will not help.

 

Grrrr! What a fool I am.....just a blip though, right??

 

 

I know the feeling. What I found helpful, too, is to vent those messages (rants?) into a journal, NOT on email where the temptation to hit "Send" might just get the better of me.

[hopeless4u]

I know the feeling. What I found helpful, too, is to vent those messages (rants?) into a journal, NOT on email where the temptation to hit "Send" might just get the better of me.

I feel so much better knowing its not just me who has done this MC!

 

I keep thinking about the 'other' e mails I've written, the true, heartfelt ones and thank the lord it wasn't one of those I sent and I've written them in a much drunker state than last night!!

 

At least I didn't beg for him and Vegas(my timeline) is less than 2 wks away!!

[joey66]

h4u, please don't feel bad. Is there anyone here who hasn't sent a few emails he/she later regretted? I bet not.

 

I've sent at least four emails telling MW that I wouldn't send her more emails. I've never made it more than one month before the next one. Almost every time alcohol was involved. I need a breathalyzer for my keyboard.

 

Try this. The next time you feel the need to write to him, come here and post it for us to read first.

[hopeless4u]

h4u, please don't feel bad. Is there anyone here who hasn't sent a few emails he/she later regretted? I bet not.

 

I've sent at least four emails telling MW that I wouldn't send her more emails. I've never made it more than one month before the next one. Almost every time alcohol was involved. I need a breathalyzer for my keyboard.

 

Try this. The next time you feel the need to write to him, come here and post it for us to read first.

Ha Ha Joey, yeah maybe I'll let LS proof read it!!

I'm hoping there will not be a next time and if I'm honest I never expected to hear from him about this.

 

Vegas is less than 2 wks away and that my friend is my calling to be a new me! I think maybe I sent it because of how positive I am feeling. Maybe I'm worried I will move on and then he will come back to me saying he made a mistake??? I don't know but I do know it's 'all about me' now;)

[GaLwAyGiRL]

This is just a game to you isn't it? You were on here yesterday talking about how great you were doing and hadn't had contact with him since his W overdosed..and when he can't talk to you its because of the W...this is like some highschool drama..and I think your just fishing. You won't be happy and have the life you truly deserve until you move on.

[Owl]

Hopeless...this is why I usually advise people to do something to PREVENT recurring contact with the affair partner.

 

Remove him from your contact lists, remove his number from all of your phones, remove him from any IM/email/etc...

 

And take active measures to prevent him from contacting you...such as blocking him from all of the above where possible.

 

You need to do this so that you CAN'T contact him when/if you cave in a moment of weakness.

[Brokenlady]

h4u,

 

Please don't feel like you have to get approval or a "pass" from those here at LS. Everyone's healing is different and some of us (me included) tend to pick at our wounds and have lots of "blips". It's ok. The last thing you need is another reason for self-hatred - he's already done a good job of instilling that. Next time you feel yourself wanting to cry or contact him, tell yourself over and over that you deserve better until it passes. I don't care if you don't believe it or have to do it for an hour. It helps - really.

[Just a stone's throw]

This is just a game to you isn't it? You were on here yesterday talking about how great you were doing and hadn't had contact with him since his W overdosed..and when he can't talk to you its because of the W...this is like some highschool drama..and I think your just fishing. You won't be happy and have the life you truly deserve until you move on.

 

 

Then it's a game that MOST of us have played until we just have had enough. I'm sure H4U isn't doing it for the drama. She is truly trying to prove to herself that she is ready to move on. I can totally understand her motivations (ego, alcohol and validation- induced)! I've been there and hopefully, she too, will be past the feeling to reach out at some point in the very near future..... like today!!! Hugs, H4U

[hopeless4u]

This is just a game to you isn't it? You were on here yesterday talking about how great you were doing and hadn't had contact with him since his W overdosed..and when he can't talk to you its because of the W...this is like some highschool drama..and I think your just fishing. You won't be happy and have the life you truly deserve until you move on.

I can assure you this is NO game to me GG. Yes I was on here last night because I have taken the next step to 'moving on' and was and still am very positive about 'me' but I still F**K up every now and then, none of us are perfect are we??

 

I know he will not talk to me because of his W and I also know he is an ass....I have no ellusions of the situation and I certainly do NOT see this as a 'high school drama'.

 

I have been through hell these last few months and not once have I contacted xMM, I know if I had played on his emotions it would have broke him.

 

I have dealt with the pain I've been feeling the best I can and I'm getting there and I WILL be VERY happy one day.

 

Moving on is very easy when the feelings are not real but when they are its not quite that straight forward....

[Hazyhead]

Argh, H4U! Yikes. Ah well, what's done cannot be undone. Forget about it and carry on with the progress you were/are making. Focus on Vegas and NOT HIM - he's not worth it.

 

Keep posting here, if it it helps; otherwise, get out with your friends and plan your fabulous holiday, do something to completely focus on you.

 

Nevermind hon, it makes no real difference long term - just don't succumb again!

[hopeless4u]

Hopeless...this is why I usually advise people to do something to PREVENT recurring contact with the affair partner.

 

Remove him from your contact lists, remove his number from all of your phones, remove him from any IM/email/etc...

 

And take active measures to prevent him from contacting you...such as blocking him from all of the above where possible.

 

You need to do this so that you CAN'T contact him when/if you cave in a moment of weakness.

Yes Owl you are right, I didnt worry before because I haven't had the urge to contact him and TBH I don't now.

Thing is I know his e mail and mobile number so I could delete but will send or call if I really want to:(

 

I truly do think last night was a one off and will not happen again...honest;)

[hopeless4u]

h4u,

 

Please don't feel like you have to get approval or a "pass" from those here at LS. Everyone's healing is different and some of us (me included) tend to pick at our wounds and have lots of "blips". It's ok. The last thing you need is another reason for self-hatred - he's already done a good job of instilling that. Next time you feel yourself wanting to cry or contact him, tell yourself over and over that you deserve better until it passes. I don't care if you don't believe it or have to do it for an hour. It helps - really.

Thanks BL, yeah the crying is the norm at the moment and has been since Christmas TBH, I have written a 100 e mails just venting but with no intention of sending. I think I sent it last night because I was feeling so strong about putting him in my past.....

I'll be ok:) xx

[joey66]

This is just a game to you isn't it? You were on here yesterday talking about how great you were doing and hadn't had contact with him since his W overdosed..and when he can't talk to you its because of the W...this is like some highschool drama..and I think your just fishing. You won't be happy and have the life you truly deserve until you move on.

 

Trying to "move on" is like trying to overcome a drug or alcohol addiction. It doesn't matter how long you've been clean or how well you're doing, you're still an addict. The temptation to take a drink is always there. And some days you do take that drink. Nothing for it but to try again tomorrow.

[hopeless4u]

Then it's a game that MOST of us have played until we just have had enough. I'm sure H4U isn't doing it for the drama. She is truly trying to prove to herself that she is ready to move on. I can totally understand her motivations (ego' date=' alcohol and validation- induced)! I've been there and hopefully, she too, will be past the feeling to reach out at some point in the very near future..... like today!!! Hugs, H4U[/quote']

You are so right JAST, I think people who have not been here have no idea how it feels but on the outside I guess it does look like we are just playing games with peoples M's!!

 

Yes I will 'move on' and I am on that path I promise. Today just kind of threw me I guess. As much as I hated myself for sending the e mail I hated him for responding, he should of just ignored it as I asked if he wasn't prepared to talk properly.

[hopeless4u]

Argh, H4U! Yikes. Ah well, what's done cannot be undone. Forget about it and carry on with the progress you were/are making. Focus on Vegas and NOT HIM - he's not worth it.

 

Keep posting here, if it it helps; otherwise, get out with your friends and plan your fabulous holiday, do something to completely focus on you.

 

Nevermind hon, it makes no real difference long term - just don't succumb again!

I know babe;) just makes me angry to think I was so weak when I actually felt so strong and still do so don't worry:)

 

I'll be ok and yes Vegas is sooo on my mind, last night was just a blip!!

 

Not heard nothing so hopefully they have realised that being mean to me is not the way forward and if my phone rings and its either of them I WILL be hanging up after the words F*CK OFF!!! xxx

[Hazyhead]

I know babe;) just makes me angry to think I was so weak when I actually felt so strong and still do so don't worry:)

 

I'll be ok and yes Vegas is sooo on my mind, last night was just a blip!!

 

Not heard nothing so hopefully they have realised that being mean to me is not the way forward and if my phone rings and its either of them I WILL be hanging up after the words F*CK OFF!!! xxx

 

Good for you. Pretend it never happened! Blip over. Sod them. I know you're still strong - you sound it; you just sound a little annoyed with yourself, but no big deal; just no more of that business!

 

Sending you hugs sweetie xxx

[2sunny]

don't even answer if he calls again. instruct your receptionist to inquire who's calling before sending you any calls - if it's him, let them know they are not to forward his calls to you - or even to give you a message - simply tell him you're unavailable.

[hopeless4u]

don't even answer if he calls again. instruct your receptionist to inquire who's calling before sending you any calls - if it's him, let them know they are not to forward his calls to you - or even to give you a message - simply tell him you're unavailable.

I did think that this morning when the call came in but its not good to bring it to work.

If he rings me again at work I will mention it but I think he got the message by my response and I do think it was his W that insisted he called as he is very 'work' driven and has always said in the past when he has wanted to 'talk' that he wouldn't ring me at work.

[2sunny]

I did think that this morning when the call came in but its not good to bring it to work.

If he rings me again at work I will mention it but I think he got the message by my response and I do think it was his W that insisted he called as he is very 'work' driven and has always said in the past when he has wanted to 'talk' that he wouldn't ring me at work.

 

how very generous of him to set YOUR boundary for you. then HE crosses that too.

 

set it for yourself!

[hopeless4u]

how very generous of him to set YOUR boundary for you. then HE crosses that too.

 

set it for yourself!

Ha Ha 2S, you are so right, I never looked at it that way!!

 

Boundaries set:) lol