Parasailing01 Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 I have been married for 12 years with 2 kids. I got into a car accident almost 10 years ago. While I was in the hospital and going through therapy my husband was not all that supportive, more angry than supportive. He and I began having problems than. Well, at the time of my therapy I had someone who was helping me and this was a female. She and I became friends and she became attracted to me, I ignored it. I kept ignoring it until she got closer and she did. I have always been interested in men and only men up until this point in life. I had a lot of stress from my accident and I started spending some time with this woman. She got close, kissed me and I told her I could not do this, I was married and interested in men. I was scared and unsure all at the same time, I will tell you that her kiss was exciting. So, I focused on my marriage and told her there could be no contact. My husband and I have had marriage problems for many years and have gone and are going to therapy today. 9 years later this same woman contacted me and I started talking to her, going out and getting very close. I had an affair and am ashamed, it was wrong. This was my first experience with another woman and it's over but WOW, what an experience, a very different experience! Bottom line, this woman and I became very emotionally attached, she wants me to get divorced based on my situation with my husband and be with her but I can't. My husband is not a very emotional person, we have had our moments. I feel really good when I am with her but I can't bring myself to getting divorced and leaving for an alternative lifestyle. I do know that I have no problem with the gay/lesbian lifestyle but when it comes down to me I can't do it. The hard part.... I miss her so much, my heart breaks and I wish I could be with her. There are many things in life you know will happen but I never saw this one coming my way! Am I feeling this way because I actually love her or because this was an experience I have never had before, I do not know? 9 years later she contacted me, is it fate? I am very confused and would love to hear from you, thanks in advance for your feedback!
seren Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 My gay/lesbian friends have given me a T shirt that says 'straight but not narrow' I am of the mind that sexuality shouldn't define a person by whom, what gender they fall for, just that they do, we love or we don't. I have observed that there are differences in the way gay and lesbian couples relationships are, not judging or stereotyping (I hope), but based on what I have seen, generally lesbian couples seem to have a more nurturing, emotional relationship - possibly because it is an inherent female trait, I don't know. I also, during the time my H was acting like and arse, and after D day was pursued by a female friend, I admit it was tempting to just be cared for, to be shown love and affection - but A's are not my style and I loved my H - however if we had split, I can honestly say that it is something I might have considered. I too needed validation that I was lovable, and also needed the nurturing, cared for aspect that the relationship would have given me. however, I would have had nothing to give back as it would have been a take, take relationship and not one based on reciprocity. What I am saying is that if the relationship with your friend is for love, or the potential for it and if you feel that your marriage is spent, then have you thought of leaving? I would say that to have an A because of what it can give to you could be hard for the other woman who may want/need far more than you are able to give. Forget it is another woman, it is another person and if you are attracted to them, want to share a life with them and can give as well as take, perhaps you aren't in the right relationship. If, however, it is because you need love, affection and to feel wanted, then it is all about you and your needs. (sorry explaining head out to lunch). As to embracing a new lifestyle, that's another separate thing altogether, my view is that those who care for you will understand and those who don't - who cares about them. I so hope you are able to think it all through and see each aspect for what it is.
lkjh Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 You are married and have kids, you work on your family first and if that doesn't work you get a divorce and then look for someone else. There are other people at stake here besides yourself. You literally let someone else force themselves into your family. You also leave out a lot of details like why your H was angry when you got in a accident? Everything you wrote makes yourself out to be a victim. You try to make it seem like your H forced you away and then the OW forced herself on you. You are a grown person and more than capable of making your own decisions.
scatterd Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 It is a hard thing to go through pain and not have no support from your husband.In less someone has been through that they dont understand how bad it is and how you beat your self up not being able to do things you loved before your accident.I think you needed understanding and you are in love with how she treated you.Try to work it out with your husband let him know how it feels see if he feels bad and changes.I hope you are doing better now and things are good in life concentrate on your marriage I know the fears that go along with not being supported move on with your life and maybe talking to a counselor might help.Good luck
Author Parasailing01 Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 Thanks to all for taking the time to reply. It is very difficult letting go of how I feel but the right decision and yes some of you said this, work on my marriage because others are involved. I realize that I can't be selfish in this whole thing. Even my therapist told me to see if my marriage will work, cut off all communication with her. However what I feel for this woman is like no other and I am scared I will lose her, not an easy decision but hopefully one day I will realize what it should be. I am a firm believer of do what your gut tells you, not so sure in this case? Would you go with your gut and loving feelings or would you be more practical?
SouthernSunshine Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 Hugs to you. What you're going through is something very difficult to understand. We all know that cheating is cheating whether it be with the opposite sex or the same sex. Although she contacted you after 9 years, that's deep! I understand your feelings in wanting to keep your family, and love your husband. What are you supposed to do? There's a song that touched me when I was in a similar situation with a woman.. I had to let her go...
Owl Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 However what I feel for this woman is like no other and I am scared I will lose her, not an easy decision but hopefully one day I will realize what it should be. I am a firm believer of do what your gut tells you, not so sure in this case? Here's something to consider. Once she confessed feelings for you...and you didn't refute them completely...the stage was set. That moment set things into motion that created the situation you're in today...and that moment meant that you're GOING to lose someone. The ONLY way out of this situation means that inevitably, you HAVE TO lose one of the two of them...your husband, or your 'lady friend'. I'm not telling you which one to choose...that choice isn't mine to make, it's yours. But, facing this choice is inevitable at this point. You're going to have to pick ONE...and stick to that.
Spark1111 Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 I think you have to examine what need she met that your husband isn't meeting. That is the whole point of therapy. You are craving an emotional connection, maybe with lots of stimulating conversation. There is much literature out there, and web sites, that will help you identify what needs of your's is not met within the marriage. You have to identify those needs and express them to your spouse. He has to identify his needs and express them to you. Then, you both have to work really hard to meet those needs. But first, you have to choose which person and which relationship you will put your energies into. An attraction, an affair, can be a symptom. Treat that FIRST. If it does not work out, end one relationship before beginning another, whether it be with a man or a woman. Otherwise, there is too much heartache, misery and pain, not only for you, but for everyone who loves you. Good luck.
Author Parasailing01 Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 Wow, thanks so much also to Spark1111, Owl and Southern Sunshine! What the 3 of you said really hits home, it brings other thoughts to my head. It is not easy at all, nor did I think it would be, I got myself into this situation, now I just have to take some time, do the right thing and make sure I figure this out. I want to be happy and want my husband and kids to as well. The women I was having the A with has moved on, today she told me we need to go our separate ways. She now is seeing someone else, I agreed with her. So, I will try and work on my marriage, it is very difficult to get close to my H now that I have been with this W, I hurt so bad but I deserve every bit of it. I realize I am in love with this woman, for now working on my marriage is priority, once I figure that out I can move forward. By the way Southern Sunshine, that song is Incredible, thanks so much for sharing!! I'd love to chat with you sometime about your situation and why you let her go. Thanks again to everyone, I still would love to here from you all and your opinions!!
Bryanp Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 This is just a thought but maybe you need to be honest with your husband about your affair. If the roles were reversed (whether if he was with another woman or man) wouldn't you want him to be honest with you? I think it is very unfair of you not being honest with your husband. How can you even attempt to rebuild your marriage if it is based on a foundation of lies and deceit? You either have a relationship based on honesty and respect or one built on lies and deceit. The choice is yours. Again if the roles were reverse wouldn't you expect your husband to be honest with you? By not telling him the truth you are playing him for a total fool. At the very least he deserves to know the truth.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 And dont foll yourself it wasn't love, you only known her for a short time, and you aren't married to her. Dont know her family or her lifestyle, don;t have kids with her. It's all in your head sad to say. Focus on the man who you are married to. He deserves 100% from you, not one less! Your marriage is in a slump because you made it that way, but you can make it better, open honest, best foot forward and a strong desire and will to achieve that would help greatly. The OW is GONE, dont be so wrapped up in your feelings of someone else you loose sight of what you have. You got a taste of temptation and went for it because something is missing inside YOU, not your marriage.
on1wheel Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 You have much bigger problems to deal with other than "is it really love or just the thrill". You are now a cheater; the reasons are irrelevant. You resisted her 9 yrs ago yet willingly gave in now. You have now betrayed ur H & broken ur marriage. You need to confess & see if he still wants to be married to you. He deserves to make an informed decision. Would you want him to hide an affair from you? I too have questions about the accident?...the state of your marriage?...how old are the kids? Because as the other poster added, you're not the only one affected by your incredibly bad judgement. Then if ur H decides he wants out of the marriage, then you be with the other woman & figure out finally whether it's love or lust. I am very interested in whether ur therapist advocates confessing or are they one of those irresponsible QWUACKS that advises "what he doesn't know won't hurt him...tee, hee, hee". Makes me ill when I read about how many of these people are out there making a mockery of the institution of marriage. I wish you luck & hope that you end up happy...cheers.
Fallen Angel Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 You are now a cheater; the reasons are irrelevant. The most patently wrong statement I have ever seen on LS! The reasons for cheating are the MOST relevant topic to discuss. If the OP does not find the answers as to the why, then it is almost a certainty that it will happen again. When you are able to pinpoint the why, then you are able to heal and move towards it never happening again.
lkjh Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 The most patently wrong statement I have ever seen on LS! The reasons for cheating are the MOST relevant topic to discuss. If the OP does not find the answers as to the why, then it is almost a certainty that it will happen again. When you are able to pinpoint the why, then you are able to heal and move towards it never happening again. Sorry but trying to come up with reasons to "heal and move on" is wrong. People cheat because of character flaws not because of marriage problems. Every marriage on the face of the earth will have problems at one time or another but choosing to cheat is not the way to deal with. Shifting the blame will not help you heal, it will only temporarily relieve the guilt. Parasailing, you cheated point blank. A lot of people are trying to minimize this because it was with a women but you still betrayed your marriage. You did this because you are weak, not because of problems in your marriage. You said yourself that at first you weren't interested in this woman but she pushed and got you. As long as you are like this people will walk all over you. You need to be honest with your H
Fallen Angel Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Sorry but trying to come up with reasons to "heal and move on" is wrong. People cheat because of character flaws not because of marriage problems. Every marriage on the face of the earth will have problems at one time or another but choosing to cheat is not the way to deal with. Shifting the blame will not help you heal, it will only temporarily relieve the guilt. Parasailing, you cheated point blank. A lot of people are trying to minimize this because it was with a women but you still betrayed your marriage. You did this because you are weak, not because of problems in your marriage. You said yourself that at first you weren't interested in this woman but she pushed and got you. As long as you are like this people will walk all over you. You need to be honest with your H Who said a single word about shifting the blame? When I spoke about the "reasons" for cheating, I meant the internal reasons; what it is that the OP is dealing with emotionally that would be the root cause of the affair, not once did I say anything that would indicate that the OP should blame their spouse...WTF?? :confused: And just for curiosity's sake, if you do not advocate "healing and moving on" what would you then suggest? Not healing the issue and wallowing in it for life? *the confused face is not confused enough for me at this point*
lkjh Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Who said a single word about shifting the blame? When I spoke about the "reasons" for cheating, I meant the internal reasons; what it is that the OP is dealing with emotionally that would be the root cause of the affair, not once did I say anything that would indicate that the OP should blame their spouse...WTF?? :confused: And just for curiosity's sake, if you do not advocate "healing and moving on" what would you then suggest? Not healing the issue and wallowing in it for life? *the confused face is not confused enough for me at this point* When you look for reasons to justify your affair you are shifting the blame. You can shift the blame to your spouse, alcohol, depression, or your needs not being filled. There are hundreds if not thousands of things you can shift it to. Thats why therapist stay in business, they convince that what the cheater did was caused by something in their life not a character flaw. That makes the cheater feel temporarily good but it is not a long term "fix". Telling someone they need to heal is another way of trying to make the cheater out to be the victim. Everyone that cheats and tries to understand why stays on these boards for years looking for that one thing that "caused" them to act that way. The reason people cheat is simple.....they are weak and selfish. If someone really wants to heal" they need to be honest. Lying and cheating is the cause of their guilt which makes them go out and seek advice. Sure you can live with the lying and cheating and it gets easier but it will never go away
Fallen Angel Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 When you look for reasons to justify your affair you are shifting the blame. You can shift the blame to your spouse, alcohol, depression, or your needs not being filled. There are hundreds if not thousands of things you can shift it to. Thats why therapist stay in business, they convince that what the cheater did was caused by something in their life not a character flaw. That makes the cheater feel temporarily good but it is not a long term "fix". Telling someone they need to heal is another way of trying to make the cheater out to be the victim. Everyone that cheats and tries to understand why stays on these boards for years looking for that one thing that "caused" them to act that way. The reason people cheat is simple.....they are weak and selfish. If someone really wants to heal" they need to be honest. Lying and cheating is the cause of their guilt which makes them go out and seek advice. Sure you can live with the lying and cheating and it gets easier but it will never go away So, since it is simply a character flaw, then in your view "once a cheater always a cheater" right? Because the way you put it, there is no healing to be had, it is simply a "character flaw" (whatever the hell you mean by that) and it can not be changed. It is simply in that person's character to always cheat? That is also patently untrue! My mother is now married to the man who was her MM. Their affair lasted the better part of a decade, and once his youngest was grown, he divorced, married her and has never cheated on her nor she on him. So the fact of the matter is that sometimes it is not something that is inherently wrong with the person, but something that is inherently wrong in the maritial relationship that is the root cause of the affair. (before I get abused for making that statement, I said something wrong with the maritial relationship, not something wrong with the BS, they are two distinctly different things.) The relationship being flawed is not necessarily a direct result of either of the two people doing something "wrong" but that the two people involved in the realtionship just aren't right for each other.
Joe Normal Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 You're not gay, you are just a mostly heterosexual person who met an individual you were attracted to who happened to be of the opposite sex. Sexuality is not pure black and white for everyone. On the one hand you have the majority who are pure heterosexuals, on the other you have a minority of pure homosexuals. In between you have a large number of people who are mostly straight or mostly gay, but might on occasion meet a same-sex person they find some attraction to. If you give up trying to fit the world and your sexuality into some kind of black & white either/or box, you can just accept that you are 99% straight but have met someone who triggered the 1%. That doesn't mean you are "gay" or unattracted to men. There's the other issue of your marriage. Are you wanting to give up on it? If so, then decide that *on its own merits*. Don't leave just for this other person. Leave because you are unhappy and can't see or don't want any way to fix it. If you want to stay, then forget this woman and commit to your husband 100%. Get counselling etc. It's up to you, but don't dismiss the option of trying a relationship with her. If it doesn't work, you will still be into guys afterwards. If your marriage is truly over then you have nothing to lose by pursuing her.
Joe Normal Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 I think you have to examine what need she met that your husband isn't meeting. That is the whole point of therapy. You are craving an emotional connection, maybe with lots of stimulating conversation. There is much literature out there, and web sites, that will help you identify what needs of your's is not met within the marriage. That's quite possible, maybe even likely. But it's not the only explanation. People don't always have attraction because they aren't getting needs met. Sometimes attraction is about desires and wants, not needs. A need-based relationship is just a band-aid for an empty life/marriage/relationship. A relationship based on true desires/wants is the only authentic kind IMO. Only OP can judge which category this one falls into.
Author Parasailing01 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 Once again, thank you to all those who have replied to my post, it is greatly appreciated! I have read all of your posts and learned many things. Yes, I can't go on like this anymore, I have been going crazy for quite some time and I am so stressed out, can't do it anymore. I have made the choice of working on my marriage and as most of you said, I need to focus on that and give it 110% without the other woman in the picture. I won't lie, it hurts that she is no longer in the picture but I need to try and salvage my marriage. I am going to try the very best I can and see where it goes. I will really understand if we can work this out or if we were just not meant to be together. We have been down this road before but we both are going to give it 110%. After 12 years of marriage, for me, I noticed it is much harder and we have to redefine and get to know one another all over again. You spend all these years married, jobs, raising kids and than all of a sudden, wait a second, now it is our time to redefine ourselves and our marraige. So, it will begin, I will keep everyone posted. For now, I would love to hear from anyone who has comments of course but I would love to also hear from those of you who have been married 12 years or more. I would love to hear if any of you have been through this? where you need to refocus and redefine who you are and your partner. Also, I would love to hear from those of you that have ever has an affair, how you handled it and did you tell your spouse, what was the overall outcome? Ok one more thing..... I would love to hear from those women who are married to a man and who have fallen in love with a woman at one poit in time, what was that like, what happened, how did you handle it and did you stick with it or move on? THANKS SO MUCH TO YOU ALL, I APPRECIATE YOUR HELP SO MUCH!!!
SouthernSunshine Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I would love to hear from those of you that have ever has an affair, how you handled it and did you tell your spouse, what was the overall outcome? I cheated on my SO one time before in the past. It was with my ex BF, and I regret it. I wanted some excitement & attention.. I was selfish. My SO took me back, and I promised to never cheat again. So far I've kept that promise, and I will maintain it. When I was a teen I was in a very serious relationship with another female. She was my best friend. I still cry when I think about her, and the times we had together. After 3 years together, I cheated on her with a man. I told her about my feelings for the man, and we tried to repair our relationship, but I had already fallen in love with the guy, and I soon left her for him. The man I left her for severely abused me in every way. He was a drug addict who got me hooked on meth. I had originally thought to myself (when I first started seeing him) that by being with a man, I couldn't go to hell, (I was raised Baptist)but he took me straight to hell. I can't talk anymore about him, and what he did to me, b/c I refuse to relive those memories. Fast forward to now, I have a good man who helped me get clean, and I've been clean for nearly 4 years. Without the help of my SO, I'd be dead. He was there for me when my own mama gave up on me, and ignored my cries for help, (I relapsed several times, and she was tired of helping me) She told everyone I was hopeless. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back to your situation: You said this woman already has someone else. Can you elaborate? Was she single when she got with you, or did she also cheat? As I'm sure you already know, there are people who want what they can't have. They want a challenge.. Nothing raises a Lesbian's ego like "turning" a heterosexual woman gay. Do you think that's a possibility in your situation? It seems a little fast that she already has someone else.
Author Parasailing01 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 Southern Sunshine, Thanks so much for sharing your story, you have made it through hell and back and I am so happy your are feeling better! This woman was not in a relationship when I met back up with her, she was out of one for a little while. I had told her I was going to get a divorce and yes, I was very close but very scared. So, she waited approx. 8 months and she got sick of me saying I was going to leave and never did. I had such a hard time figuring out what I would do. I wanted her but did not want to mess up my marriage, family, etc. She told me she was going to start dating and she met another woman online. So, she told me she wanted to be happy again and work it out with this girl. Apparently this girl is ok but she feels a lot closer with me. Today was the last straw, we had been texting back and forth. She got pissed off at me and told me to call her when I got divorced. I will try to work it out with my husband and have to get her out of my mind but it si very difficult. She and I had such an emotional connection that I get goosbumps talking about it, now I am having a bit of a challenge getting close intimately with my husband, I have had sex with him and when I do she comes to my mind, it;s horrible, my thoughts of her have to go away but they don't. This has been a real mess I got myself into and I am not sure what it's telling me. I always think about her, I hope it fades or do I? Thanks for listening.
JustJoe Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I'm late, tonight . Para, have you told your H about this yet? If not then you might as well keep talking to the other woman, because you haven't changed anything.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Yep, until your husband knows about your betrayal you will never fix your marriage. You will always be in the affair state of mind.
You Go Girl Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 There's no such thing as intimacy without honesty. There are those people who will tell themselves they have a good marriage while hiding a secret. They are living a lie. You will never have a good marriage unless you openly discuss your affair with your H. You will never grow a spine, either. What your affair was, was a desire to grow as a person. Find out more about yourself, and others. Now that the OW is gone--she waited long enough I'd say while you lied and said you were going to get a divorce--and your H is completely ignorant of what has happened-- and you consider not confessing because you don't want to have to take responsibility for your actions, nor face any consequences of course. Bottom line is this--you will never grow as a person, the reason you ventured out in the first place. All you will have is your secret and little memory to take to your grave. What you need is a spine. Then you can begin to see what life is like for those who go after what they want, are open and honest about who they are, and are willing to face consequences because it's worth it to be themselves. I think you are hiding, and have been, for most of your adult life. Sorry if this sounds harsh. I'm actually in the camp of wanting you to grow as a person enough to stand up for how you feel, know how you feel, and have enough spine to look others in the eyes and state how you feel, openly, and honestly.
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