I am unwittingly the "other woman" and I am PISSED!

[Hedgewitch]

The basics. I am married- happily now. But in the past things have been rough. I openly had an emotional affair with a man who told me he was single. In fact, even after his WIFE contacted me he tried to maintain he was single...all he could come up with when his wife contacted me was that I was insane and probably "made it up to cause drama".

Can you believe that?

 

As soon as she contacted me, I was shocked. I immediately said how sorry I was, that I was behind her 100%, would tell her whatever she wanted to know and would not have carried on with him if I knew he was married.

I was totally polite, supportive, apologetic and willing, if not enthusiastic to help her in any way I could.

 

What do I get? her and her friend calling me slut, whore, homewrecker etc etc etc. HELLO. I didn't know he was married. She is threatening me, harassing me and contacting my husband now to try to get me in trouble although he already knows. She even hit on him. (he just said "what a nut" and told her to piss off basically.) But come on!

Her husband lied to and hurt BOTH of us. And apparently he was carrying on with other women too! How am I the bad one here?

 

It also disgusts me that she is now reading the logs that dumbass neglected to delete- which contain MY personal secrets. Thanks, buddy. Not only did you lie to me and her and other girls but now my very personal secrets are public.

I am sickened to my core by this.

 

I understand that she is hurt. I understand that I unwittingly did wrong.

I won't put up with more of her abuse but what can I do to help this woman? I have no allegiance to that lying husband of hers at ALL but I have questions of my own.

 

Advice? Please?

Edited April 29, 2010 by Hedgewitch

[whichwayisup]

Ignore her. And him. Focus on your husband and making things right again. Your ONLY concern should be about reconnecting with your H and proving you're worthy of a second chance. You're caught up in the drama of your own doing. Sorry to be harsh but you chose to cheat on your H. Magnify how you feel 100x and that's probably how your H feels right now.

 

 

You got involved with the wrong guy and his wife is reacting, rightfully so. Her anger is directed at the wrong person, it should be at her H but chances are, he's lied to her and she has friends firing her up. All the more reason to leave her alone and dont' react to anything. And ignore him. No need to ask them (him) questions..It'll just bring more drama into your life.

[Hedgewitch]

I agree with you, however, it was always in the open, I didn't "cheat" because my H and I had an open arrangement for awhile (open for me but not him. What a guy.) My H didn't like this guy from the beginning. Guess he was bang on! I should listen to him more often. He forgave me for continuing to talk to the man and he's trying his best not to say "I told you so" although I really deserve it.

 

Anyways, I think you're right, and o more open M, just H and I!

I'm washing my hands of it and just going to revel in the fact that my H is one of the good ones and not the "cheating type".

Good riddance to bad rubbish, right?

 

I hope he gets his ass kicked.

[jnj express]

You should ignore the other family entirely, and if they persist in bothering you---get a R. O., or call the police and say you are being stalked.

 

Just out of curiosity why did you find that you needed to swing, in your mge. Was it becoming dull, and boring, no passion, problems????what would cause you to wanna do something like that----You had to know --that no matter what your H., said or allowed you to do---just the visions of you being with another would hurt him deeply.

[Hedgewitch]

Actually, my husband was turned on by the idea of me attracting and playing with other men. It was a mutual fantasy and once in a blue moon he still lets me "date" another man for his and my excitement. We're a progressive couple you could say. Open about everything.

 

I'm NEVER letting it get to the point that it did before though. Way too long, way too involved and even after my husband didn't like this particular man I kept talking to him (openly) which was very wrong of me.

We have moved beyond it and finding out that jerk was married and knowing that I inadvertently hurt a woman because that man was a liar.

 

Bottom line is, we have a new screening process and I will never risk this situation again! Bottom line is...I was stupid and didn't read the writing on the wall.

[RedDevil66]

If this cheater denies he's married and says you made it up for drama and the wife is abusing her with names and getting a friend to help, that solidifies some psychopathic behavior.

These people sound nuts, so just stay away and if they keep at you, call the cops. Simple as that!

[OFGnomore]

If this cheater denies he's married and says you made it up for drama and the wife is abusing her with names and getting a friend to help, that solidifies some psychopathic behavior.

These people sound nuts, so just stay away and if they keep at you, call the cops. Simple as that!

 

To a lesser degree, this couple sounds like the situation xMM is in with his wife. A narcissist and a co dependent. Stay away from this couple, you can't win, even in the face of concrete evidence. It's like the stories you read about, when the BS walks in on the WS having sex, and get's told they're not really seeing what they're seeing. Protect yourself, document everything.

[Hedgewitch]

Agree with all of you.

I feel so bad for the wife though. I tried to help her by being calm, forthright and giving her information and she just freaks the **** out.

Their marriage is now ending. She is divorcing him. I won't talk to him.

I got used by a scumbag to hurt a wife and I could kill him for that.

I hope she sticks to her guns and really divorces him.

I'm not talking to either of them again. It's summer and it's not my drama.

I tried to be of assistance, she doesn't want it, I wash my hands.

The end.

 

Thanks for making me realize I don't HAVE to be involved here, guys.

[Dexter Morgan]

The basics. I am married- happily now. But in the past things have been rough. I openly had an emotional affair with a man who told me he was single. In fact, even after his WIFE contacted me he tried to maintain he was single...all he could come up with when his wife contacted me was that I was insane and probably "made it up to cause drama".

Can you believe that?

 

what I can't believe is that you cheat on your husband, and have the audacity to ask us if we can believe that.

 

 

What do I get? her and her friend calling me slut, whore, homewrecker etc etc etc. HELLO. I didn't know he was married.

 

so what? unless I am mistaken by the first part of your post, you were married were you not? If not, it wasn't clear.

 

But if you were married, what difference does it make if he was married? you should have been faithful to your husband.

 

 

Her husband lied to and hurt BOTH of us.

 

OMG, you have got to be kidding here. You cheat on your husband and you are going to claim victim status? YOU ARE MARRIED. You shouldn't have been messing around with him in the first place.

 

 

And apparently he was carrying on with other women too! How am I the bad one here?

 

you cheated on your husband.

 

 

I understand that she is hurt. I understand that I unwittingly did wrong.

 

unwitting? so you are trying to convey to us that you did wrong unknowing because you didn't know he was married? uh, again, unless you weren't clear about your marital status, you were married. There was no "unwitting" about it.

[Dexter Morgan]

I agree with you, however, it was always in the open, I didn't "cheat" because my H and I had an open arrangement for awhile (open for me but not him. What a guy.)

 

guess I should have read this first, but my opinion really doesn't change.

 

so why do you want to have sex with men other than your husband? don't respect him that much?

 

 

I'm washing my hands of it and just going to revel in the fact that my H is one of the good ones and not the "cheating type".

 

but you are, open marriage or not.

[Confused4Now]

To a lesser degree, this couple sounds like the situation xMM is in with his wife. A narcissist and a co dependent. Stay away from this couple, you can't win, even in the face of concrete evidence. It's like the stories you read about, when the BS walks in on the WS having sex, and get's told they're not really seeing what they're seeing. Protect yourself, document everything.

This is SPOT ON!!! This is exactly what it sounds like. Hopefully you don't have to get a restraining order at some point.

[Dexter Morgan]

Ok, then I found out you posted this some time ago:

 

"Fast forward a week later and we both had "casual encounters" lined up and were feeling ok about it. Then I had second thoughts and called the whole deal off...but he continued to talk to the girl he met off Craiglist until I found out and freaked out. He was planning to meet her.

He claims he only continued to talk to her because he was still hurt over the "D" thing and he claims he doesn't think he would have done anything if he met her and they were just going to go for coffee. He phoned her in front of me and told her it was off.

Regardless, now I'm hurt."

 

So basically your husband isn't into the swinging thing, but he agreed to have his own little fling after you started an emotional affair with another man.

 

So what it boils down to is, you felt it ok to have flings with other men because husband didn't mind apparently, until you agreed he could have a no strings night of fun with someone else.

 

BUT, you didn't like that did you? but it is ok that YOU CONITNUE to have flings?

 

Am I missing something here? Ok for you to mess around, but not for him apparently.

 

So if it hurt you that he was going to have a little fun on the side as you have been doing all these years, and he doesn't do it now.....why do you continue? I don't care if he agrees to let you mess around out of arousal or whatnot. the problem is if he did it, you'd THEN have a problem with it.

 

So rather than getting all high and mighty over a guy that lied to you, how about forsaking all others and putting your energy into your husband?

[Hedgewitch]

Dexter.

My husband and I do not play with other people willy nilly.

We have had some excellent experiences and some awful ones.

This one was emotional, bad and a first (and last) experience.

 

Also, bite your tongue becuase HE is the one who wanted this.

I am the monogamous type, he wanted more adventure, I agreed to it.

 

Awfully silly to make judgements when you don't know the full story.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter.

My husband and I do not play with other people willy nilly.

We have had some excellent experiences and some awful ones.

This one was emotional, bad and a first (and last) experience.

 

Also, bite your tongue becuase HE is the one who wanted this.

 

he may get aroused by the thought, but I'd venture to guess that the anger and name calling you wrote about in another thread stems from him, while getting aroused from it, doesn't sit totally well with him deep inside.

 

but thats just a guess

 

 

I am the monogamous type

 

uh, no....if you were, you wouldn't seek out other men even if he did like it.

 

you are either monogamous, or you are not.

 

 

he wanted more adventure, I agreed to it.

 

something tells me he didn't have to twist your arm to hard.

 

 

Awfully silly to make judgments when you don't know the full story.

 

you gave enough of the story

[Hedgewitch]

He poked fun at me for years actually. Implying that I was some prude because I didn't want to "experiment".

Finally after years, I caved- a few times.

As I said before, some have been awesome and he, my H has been very pleased with many of the encounters and memories to this day.

 

So to correct, I guess it's better to say I WAS monogamous by nature.

HE showed me the "way" and we like it most of the time.

He was adamant and finally got his way. It's only a happy coincidence that he was right, I do enjoy it. My notions of monogamy may not as be as solid as they once were.

 

His anger has been around for a long time and it's as clear as day that the more we liberate ourselves, the smoother things are around here.

I guess my H has a fetish of sorts, and luckily it works for me.

The only thing we cannot control is other people.

This arrangement works very well for us.

We are happy these days- just sorry that poor woman isn't because her H lied to her.

[jnj express]

I am sorry to say this---but your H. is out of line. He gets his kicks watching you with other men. There have been many times when this has backfired, and the partner participating fell for her sex partner. That would screw your H. up!!!!!!

 

Obviously you didn't care and also got off on these little escapades, or you would have told your H. NO. I didn't get married to do weird things.

 

Sorry but you have no complaints coming for participating in this crap at all. Other wife got hurt cuz of you and your H. wierd attitude about what a mge. really is. GUESS WHAT IT IS AND REMAINS A TWOSOME-----You should have told your wierdo H. NO.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Am I missing something?

 

You are leading a lifestyle which basically begs for dysfunction.....yet you are shocked by this womans behavior.

 

Get a clue....of course she is pissed.

It doesn't matter if her husband lied to you, her, whoever....SHE IS PISSED.

 

You are seriously not too bright if you expect her NOT to be VERY pissed WHATEVER the contingency.

 

Your lifestyle welcomes liars and weirdos.

 

If your sitch is OPEN, then you have to find a man who is willing to participate with a married woman. A man with brains would realize that HE is taking a huge risk when engaging with a married woman....whether it is open or not. How the **** does he know YOU are not lying? How does he know that your husband wont have a change of heart and come after him? Therefore, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE SUSCEPTIBLE to meeting screwballs.

 

Be grateful that his pissed wife was the extent of the fallout.

 

Oh, your husband is a loser BTW. He should protect his wife. He put you at risk. What if this woman came after you or yours violently. He has you suckered for his sexual jollies.

 

Tell your loser husband to jerk off to porn....its safer.

[Hedgewitch]

Hey, Blind.

Agreed to most of your post up until you calling my husband a loser.

Are you implying I'm some submissive, stupid little woman who just got manipulated by her "sicko" husband for "his" sexual jollies?

 

News for you.

I'm military combat trained, 6 feet tall, fiercely extroverted/dominant and the typical "alpha bitch".

I'm not the shy little wifey getting manipulated by her husband.

This was no brow-beat or spur of the moment decision.

It came over the period of 8 years, discussed and debated this until it came to fruition. We are careful. We are sensitive to each other and despite a few "glitches" things are pretty righteous. He brought it up every so often, we discussed it, a few false starts and into the abyss. It's not like these things have fast rules or aren't without "surprises".

 

I agree with some the productive portion of your post before you started spewing about my hot as hell 6'4, successful husband being a "loser" (lol)

See, out of every cross section of people, you're going to meet some amazing people and some messed up people.

We've met some amazing people along the way and had some mindblowing times.

YES we will always run into weirdos.

But we LIKE weirdos

WE'RE weirdos!

 

The only thing we're not into is unwittingly hurting someone who didn't have a choice to play. I wish that woman nothing but the best and if she won't accept any help from me, then I hope she finds her peace.

 

No venture no gain. Some people are content to eat crackers, we like eating life with both hands, preferably off a table, writhing with exquisite bodies in the throes of pleasure and pain.

 

From us "weirdos": enjoy your crackers. =)

Edited May 1, 2010 by Hedgewitch

[White Flower]

There are clubs one can join in order to screen OPs properly. This lifestyle can be maintained if all parties play it right. It sounds like your exMM was absolutely lazy about the whole thing. There are plenty of M guys whose Ws are willing to enter the lifestyle. Again, rules come first.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hey, Blind.

Agreed to most of your post up until you calling my husband a loser.

Are you implying I'm some submissive, stupid little woman who just got manipulated by her "sicko" husband for "his" sexual jollies?

 

News for you.

I'm military combat trained, 6 feet tall, fiercely extroverted/dominant and the typical "alpha bitch".

I'm not the shy little wifey getting manipulated by her husband.

This was no brow-beat or spur of the moment decision.

It came over the period of 8 years, discussed and debated this until it came to fruition. We are careful. We are sensitive to each other and despite a few "glitches" things are pretty righteous. He brought it up every so often, we discussed it, a few false starts and into the abyss. It's not like these things have fast rules or aren't without "surprises".

 

I agree with some the productive portion of your post before you started spewing about my hot as hell 6'4, successful husband being a "loser" (lol)

See, out of every cross section of people, you're going to meet some amazing people and some messed up people.

We've met some amazing people along the way and had some mindblowing times.

YES we will always run into weirdos.

But we LIKE weirdos

WE'RE weirdos!

 

The only thing we're not into is unwittingly hurting someone who didn't have a choice to play. I wish that woman nothing but the best and if she won't accept any help from me, then I hope she finds her peace.

 

No venture no gain. Some people are content to eat crackers, we like eating life with both hands, preferably off a table, writhing with exquisite bodies in the throes of pleasure and pain.

 

From us "weirdos": enjoy your crackers. =)

\

 

You guys sound okay to me, you made an agreement with each other and modified it over the years to suit your own wants and needs. If there are no children involved, then it is your own personal boundaries.

 

The MM is an a-hole, a messed up a-hole. I probably would write the wife something concrete just to sum it all up and include the fact that neither she nor her friend are welcome to contact you anymore and that you wanted nothing to do with anyone else's marriage regardless of what her H may say. If she is looking through the logs, she won't find anything in reference to him being married either, which would be odd if you knew you were helping him to have an affair. As a BS, I would really want to have the info in writing and know the OW was pretty innocent.

[Hedgewitch]

We do not have children, and if we did there is simply no way we would do this. That's a deal between us.

 

BS has all the logs (which must be awful for her) and not only did her H claim he wasn't married, or even involved from day one, he bold face lied to the bitter end. The last thing I sent to her was:

 

"I am very, very sorry this happened and I am willing to speak to you anytime if you need support, information or just to vent provided it's not totally abusive towards me.

I understand how hurt and angry you are but I'm really not the enemy here.

He hurt me too, and apparently he hurt other women.

Your husband's lies have hurt a lot of people.

Your hurt is the most important though because you're his wife, and I wish there was something I could say or do to take away the anger and pain you're feeling right now.

Frankly I want to kick his ass because what he did to you was very wrong. I am so sorry you're going through this.

Your husband is my enemy and I hope that you understand that despite this ****ty situation, you, I and those other women (provided they were also victims of your husband's lies and not willing participants) are in the same boat, allies against a common enemy.

I never would have continued if I had known he was lying, and my skin crawls when I think of him.

I want nothing more than to be open with you and help you in any way I can. Please know this.

I hope you don't forgive him and move on. No one should have to go through this."

 

No response but I said what I needed to say (for the third or fourth time.)

I still feel awful for unwittingly helping that dick hurt his wife and I wish she'd ask me to go there and kick his ass.

 

I think it's over now.

[dreamingoftigers]

that's good. cool.

[Hedgewitch]

From now on, if we can't call someone at home or we sense anything that may point to this kind of thing again, there's no way it's happening.

Should have been tipped off when all I had was a cell number.

Cell is ok in the beginning but if things progress, no way this is going to happen without positive proof the guy isn't attached.

I don't dig women who "poach".

In fact, I've slammed a few of them on behalf of friends.

I'm very in the mind that women should stick together, and if she needs me,

I'll be there for her.

 

But I think it's over.

Now I have to try to get over the knowledge that her pain has just begun

and I contributed to it. I could kill that scumbag.

[White Flower]

From now on, if we can't call someone at home or we sense anything that may point to this kind of thing again, there's no way it's happening.

Should have been tipped off when all I had was a cell number.

Cell is ok in the beginning but if things progress, no way this is going to happen without positive proof the guy isn't attached.

I don't dig women who "poach".

In fact, I've slammed a few of them on behalf of friends.

I'm very in the mind that women should stick together, and if she needs me,

I'll be there for her.

 

But I think it's over.

Now I have to try to get over the knowledge that her pain has just begun

and I contributed to it. I could kill that scumbag.

I think your letter to her is a good one. It shows your dismay at who he really turned out to be and if I were her I'd meet with you so I could read the truth in your face. It sounds as though she is either too afraid to do that or is just comfortable stuck in her anger. Shrug. But you did your part.

[Hedgewitch]

Yeah. I think it's over. She added me to yahoo a few days ago but hasn't chatted me up or called me or anything.

Regardless, if she needs to talk, I'll talk with her.

 

I really hope she dumps his ass.

Nobody deserves to have such a dishonest spouse.

 

Edit: We have someone new now and he's not married. He's a friend of a friend and has a "rep". He's known. We've been to parties at his place.

All good, no foul, and if anyone gets their feelings hurt at least they agreed to the possibility/risk and can take responsibility.

Let the good times roll.

 

I'm so happy to be a "weirdo". ^_^

Edited May 1, 2010 by Hedgewitch