SouthernSunshine Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 Yes.. If you think about it, it's only logical. The OW was just a side kick, a temporary fix, whereas the wife is the opposite. The wife is the foundation of his world.. where there's meaning to his life.
Snowflower Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 This question is perfect for me,when I think about my XOW,I get angry I feel hurt it's just a bad memory for me.I am angry with myself for having an EA,I feel hurt because it saddens me to be reminded of the betrayal and hurt I caused my XW.It is a bad memory because it reminds me of the horrible choice I made that ruined and broke my family apart. Unfortunately OW comes with this package,because to me she is a reminder of what I consider the lowest part of my life,of course this was my choice OW did not force me to have an EA on my W,but OW did not resist me either. Thank you for writing this, John. It is refreshing to hear the perspective of former MM. I think what you share here is true for many WS who genuinely regret the decision to have an A. It is not so much about hating the xAP, but their own decision to make such a bad choice. Any memories of their xAP would likely be strongly tainted by the painful memories of how the WS destroyed their marriage, hurt their family, etc. My H and I have talked about this many times as we hashed out what he did. It wasn't the fault of the xOW, but she was certainly a willing participant in his horrific choice. And now it is impossible for him to think of her in a benign way. I'm sure he doesn't hate her--he has never indicated this, even to me. But she is a painful reminder of the lowest point of his life. I think many repentant WS would relate to what you have written here, John. Again, thank you for writing this.
Author hopeless4u Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 Thank you so much for the posts and believe me I have read each and every one of them.....some more than once!! I did something very stupid late last night and am about to write a thread on the OM/OW site.....could of been a lot worse but hey we're all human, right??? Again, thank you xx
SavannahSmiles Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I dare you to start THAT thread! People are crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
White Flower Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 This question is perfect for me,when I think about my XOW,I get angry I feel hurt it's just a bad memory for me.I am angry with myself for having an EA,I feel hurt because it saddens me to be reminded of the betrayal and hurt I caused my XW.It is a bad memory because it reminds me of the horrible choice I made that ruined and broke my family apart. Unfortunately OW comes with this package,because to me she is a reminder of what I consider the lowest part of my life,of course this was my choice OW did not force me to have an EA on my W,but OW did not resist me either. Wow, that reminds me of the statutory rape I went through. I blamed the man who took my virginity for so long because he was old enough to know better and I was only 17 and 3/4 years old. Did I want him? Hell yeah, but I felt regret afterward and refused to take the blame in full. Then I grew up. And that is when I realized I was responsible for my actions only. I can only blame myself for what I regret.
White Flower Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 I think if the MM is the type to bash his wife to the OW during the affair, then he is likely to bash the OW to the wife after d-day. So, if a OW gleefully listened to her MM hating on his wife, then she should expect the same to be done to her after d-day. Something about this kind of character trait in a man shows a distinct lack of respect for women in general. And it shows a refusal to take responsibility for his part in the A. OTOH, it is not uncommon either for ex-lovers to be rather turned off by the thought of each other after a break-up. How many ex-spouses despise each other after the divorce? Or that former gf/bf where the thought of them now turns your stomach? I think some of 'turn-off' is part of getting over the relationship, whether it was an affair or not. Some ex-lovers can remain friends but with the complicated affair dynamic this is pretty much impossible for xAPs to remain friendly. FTR, my husband didn't ever bash or say he hated his xOW afterward. He was more dismayed by some of her actions during the A and of course, dismayed by his own. He said he never bashed me to her, either. Of course, I will never know for sure. Take your own advise Snowflower, if he didn't bash the OW then he certainly didn't bash you. You're a lucky woman. Although he cheated, it sounds as though he demonstrated a measure of dignity. And you seem to radiate dignity in your posting.
Snowflower Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Take your own advise Snowflower, if he didn't bash the OW then he certainly didn't bash you. You're a lucky woman. Although he cheated, it sounds as though he demonstrated a measure of dignity. And you seem to radiate dignity in your posting. Thank you for your kind words, White Flower. (hey, our screen names sound kind of alike!) I try to remember this when I get 'down in the dumps' about my husband's betrayal. There were plenty of things before and during his A that he did wrong; but even at his worst, there were still a lot of things that he DIDN'T do wrong. It is a matter of perspective, I think.
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