OK so I may get a real bashing here but??

[hopeless4u]

Please don't take this the wrong way but I really need to ask this question....

I am an xOW and I was/am still deeply in love with my xMM(the one I fell in love with, not who he is now)

 

I have read so many threads here on LS and its quite obvious that WH's that have chosen to stay with their W's really blame and usually, once the 'fog' has cleared actually despise the OW??

 

Maybe its just me and my guilt but is that the case??

 

Is it that when the 'fog' clears the the man us 'OW' love with all our hearts think of us as some kind of 'vermin'??

[KikiW]

I don't know from firsthand experience, but I suspect the married affair partner might often turn on the "other" partner as a defense mechanism. For the sake of ease, let's say there's a man who is having an affair. His wife finds out and is beyond livid, just seething with feelings of anger, fear, hurt and betrayal. She gives him an ultimatum, dump the mistress or she's going to take him to the cleaners and never let him see the kids again.

 

Out of fear, shame or whatever, he bows to her demands and dumps his mistress. The wife obviously will not have good feelings abut this other woman, and may even portray her as a "temptress" who tried to steal her husband. Because the husband is trying to salvage his marriage, his house, his children, his life, he shuts down the good feelings toward the mistress and parrots his wife. Perhaps he starts to focus on small negatives - the mistress called him often, and where it used to be very welcome, he now sees it as "stalkerish". Those small gifts of devotion turn into chains she tried to bind him with. Those sweet nothings they used to whisper turn into mind games she played to draw him away. He ends up tossing her under the bus to save his skin.

 

I doubt this is always the case, but if I had to make an educated guess I would say it happens that way a lot.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yep. He will throw you under the bus, why because you arent married to him.

 

Also wasn't you married? So if he knows you can betray your husband, He knows that when it gets rough and your needs aren't being met, you will betray him.

 

How can you and him promise loyalty when your being disloyal with the ones you promised originally? Huh WTF, is you smoking?

 

You threw it all away for a coward who only wanted you for one thing, and that was a good time.

 

Accept it and move on. You made a terrible choice and when you wake up your gonna realize how stupid your actions was. You wasted all that time for a fallacy that didn't even make it.

 

What a waste!

 

I wish you well...

 

Find a SINGLE man, and stay out of other people's marriages. Learn from the choices you make and make better ones.

[White Flower]

Please don't take this the wrong way but I really need to ask this question....

I am an xOW and I was/am still deeply in love with my xMM(the one I fell in love with, not who he is now)

 

I have read so many threads here on LS and its quite obvious that WH's that have chosen to stay with their W's really blame and usually, once the 'fog' has cleared actually despise the OW??

 

Maybe its just me and my guilt but is that the case??

 

Is it that when the 'fog' clears the the man us 'OW' love with all our hearts think of us as some kind of 'vermin'??

Hopeless, while we can't know how your MM truly feels we can discuss the possibilities.

 

I do feel that SOME actually feel some kind of disgust about the A, or the OW once it is discovered. EVEN then, I think he may actually feel disgust toward himself but finds it easier to blame his other victim. I think in a sick way, it gives this faulty thinker some power, and makes him look like a KISA (knight in shining armour) to his W. Further, I think any W who falls for this deserves to be a victim, but that is another thread.

 

And he may even find it easier to despise the OW instead of actually feeling the pain of missing her. I think it is easier to hate than to miss a lost love, don't you?

 

And the MM who takes this route may be doing it because that is what his W expects him to do. I don't get it, but they're out there.

 

If this has happened in your case, please take it with a grain of salt. He would ONLY be doing it for damage control at home and in most cases, I am sure, he doesn't truly mean it. Deep down, if his W is intelligent, she doesn't believe it anyway. Unless of course the OW really was evil, conniving, and pursuant of a very weak man who was absolutely helpless in his victimazation by the OW.

[MizFit]

Yep. He will throw you under the bus, why because you arent married to him.

 

Also wasn't you married? So if he knows you can betray your husband, He knows that when it gets rough and your needs aren't being met, you will betray him.

 

How can you and him promise loyalty when your being disloyal with the ones you promised originally? Huh WTF, is you smoking?

 

You threw it all away for a coward who only wanted you for one thing, and that was a good time.

 

Accept it and move on. You made a terrible choice and when you wake up your gonna realize how stupid your actions was. You wasted all that time for a fallacy that didn't even make it.

 

What a waste!

 

I wish you well...

 

Find a SINGLE man, and stay out of other people's marriages. Learn from the choices you make and make better ones.

 

CB...I think she's got that all pretty well under control. I think she's just thinking and trying to delve into some of the different aspects. H4U has always asked questions that appeared to be cathartic to her...this is another. As a BS can't believe the man who made promises to love her would betray her an OW can't believe the man who made promises to love her would betray her. The tough part is when the OW is sitting home and the mind takes over. I may be wrong, but I think H4U is just trying to figure out where the feelings go.

 

I'm not sure how to answer your question H4U...I know my MM struggled mightily each DDay. The situation is very different to most, but at the end of the day he is the first to admit the feelings don't just disappear...Devil Inside spoke of his love for his OW well into his reonciliation. Humans do have a tendency to rewrite history...we all do. Someone dies and they become saintly, we split up with someone and we demonize them...so many ways we manipulate our past to make the present and future what we need them to be. Maybe that's the type of thing you're talking about.

[MizFit]

Hopeless, while we can't know how your MM truly feels we can discuss the possibilities.

 

I do feel that SOME actually feel some kind of disgust about the A, or the OW once it is discovered. EVEN then, I think he may actually feel disgust toward himself but finds it easier to blame his other victim. I think in a sick way, it gives this faulty thinker some power, and makes him look like a KISA (knight in shining armour) to his W. Further, I think any W who falls for this deserves to be a victim, but that is another thread.

 

And he may even find it easier to despise the OW instead of actually feeling the pain of missing her. I think it is easier to hate than to miss a lost love, don't you?

 

And the MM who takes this route may be doing it because that is what his W expects him to do. I don't get it, but they're out there.

 

If this has happened in your case, please take it with a grain of salt. He would ONLY be doing it for damage control at home and in most cases, I am sure, he doesn't truly mean it. Deep down, if his W is intelligent, she doesn't believe it anyway. Unless of course the OW really was evil, conniving, and pursuant of a very weak man who was absolutely helpless in his victimazation by the OW.

 

I dare you to start THAT thread!

[hopeless4u]

Yep. He will throw you under the bus, why because you arent married to him.

 

Also wasn't you married? So if he knows you can betray your husband, He knows that when it gets rough and your needs aren't being met, you will betray him.

 

How can you and him promise loyalty when your being disloyal with the ones you promised originally? Huh WTF, is you smoking?

 

You threw it all away for a coward who only wanted you for one thing, and that was a good time.

 

Accept it and move on. You made a terrible choice and when you wake up your gonna realize how stupid your actions was. You wasted all that time for a fallacy that didn't even make it.

 

What a waste!

 

I wish you well...

 

Find a SINGLE man, and stay out of other people's marriages. Learn from the choices you make and make better ones.

 

No CM I was not M when I met xMM but I knew he was M so was as much to blame...

 

I was just curious as to why MM who have A's seem to hate xOW when the fog clears thats all....its been very hard to get to a point where I feel strong enough to ask these questions with a sane mind:o

[datura_noir]

A few weeks back, I posted a thread here about the lies a WS tells their AP about their spouse. It may be helpful.

 

Just as the WS talks negatively about their spouse, or complains and exaggerates their spouse's faults to their AP, after a time (if the couple stay married and work through it), the WS will start to pick the AP to pieces to their spouse. Is it fair? Is it right? I don't know; but why worry about it?

 

The things my FWH told his OW weren't very nice or true, and I sometimes feel defenseless against the picture that was portrayed. I took the few things that were said about her with a grain of salt, because she wasn't here to defend herself, just like I was not there to defend myself.

 

All's fair in love and war I guess.

[califnan]

 

You threw it all away for a coward

 

QUOTE]

 

-------------------

 

It would be the Responsible thing for your AP, to only be upset with himself, and taking responsibility for the affair in His life.

 

And, probably you shouldn't worry about what he thinks .. An affair can take you completely off track.

[Dexter Morgan]

No CM I was not M when I met xMM but I knew he was M so was as much to blame...

 

I was just curious as to why MM who have A's seem to hate xOW when the fog clears thats all

 

maybe by forcing themselves to hate the OW it helps them to move on in the marriage. I don't really believe that the MM would hate the OW unless something specific went on that pissed the MM off. Because after all, what would he have to be mad at? The MM that cheats is an untrustworthy ahole. It would be highly hypocritical of him to hate the OW unless you did something to really piss him off.

 

But you should have known he was an ahole from the get go. He was cheating on his wife. So basically you are in love with a cheating dog.

[Fight4Me]

Please don't take this the wrong way but I really need to ask this question....

I am an xOW and I was/am still deeply in love with my xMM(the one I fell in love with, not who he is now)

 

I have read so many threads here on LS and its quite obvious that WH's that have chosen to stay with their W's really blame and usually, once the 'fog' has cleared actually despise the OW??

 

Maybe its just me and my guilt but is that the case??

 

Is it that when the 'fog' clears the the man us 'OW' love with all our hearts think of us as some kind of 'vermin'??

 

fBS here. My fWH never bad-mouthed the OW. He took 100% of the blame for the affair. After the fog cleared, he had a great deal of hatred for what he had done, and since then the memories of their time together repulses him. The revulsion has little to do with her specifically, but with his actions.

 

I suspect that the blaming of OW that some MM do after DDay has little to do with the BW (which is just silly ), but more to do with their inability to take full responsibility. The other possibility is that some MM built up the OW so much in their minds that reality comes crashing to the ground after it's over. My fWH began to acknowledge some of her flaws later on also, but it was nothing over the top.

 

I wouldn't worry about what he is or is not saying about you, but instead work on becoming the person who has nothing to feel guilty about.

[Samantha0905]

I do feel that SOME actually feel some kind of disgust about the A, or the OW once it is discovered. EVEN then, I think he may actually feel disgust toward himself but finds it easier to blame his other victim. I think in a sick way, it gives this faulty thinker some power, and makes him look like a KISA (knight in shining armour) to his W. Further, I think any W who falls for this deserves to be a victim, but that is another thread.

 

And the MM who takes this route may be doing it because that is what his W expects him to do. I don't get it, but they're out there.

 

If this has happened in your case, please take it with a grain of salt. He would ONLY be doing it for damage control at home......

 

This is exactly what popped into my head.

 

Kiki has made some good points also.

[Spark1111]

Please don't take this the wrong way but I really need to ask this question....

I am an xOW and I was/am still deeply in love with my xMM(the one I fell in love with, not who he is now)

 

I have read so many threads here on LS and its quite obvious that WH's that have chosen to stay with their W's really blame and usually, once the 'fog' has cleared actually despise the OW??

 

Maybe its just me and my guilt but is that the case??

 

Is it that when the 'fog' clears the the man us 'OW' love with all our hearts think of us as some kind of 'vermin'??

 

My fWS had very real deep feelings for his OW. I knew this intuitively and told him to go get her.

 

He turned on a dime, and once he could have her, no longer wanted the relationship. My heart broke for HER!

 

While I still was adamant I DID NOT want him because I refuse to be anyone's default choice, he continued pursuing me to reconcile while maintaining contact with her. She hoped, after a year and a half, he would choose her....a very reasonable assumption from a man claiming his wife di not care about him. How could I fault her?

 

I made the decision based on his actions, not his words, and not on her.

 

It seemed unkind and immature to vilify a woman who had fallen in love with the same man I had. My anger was directed solely at him, not for his feelings for her, but for lying to me, the deception and secrecy and gaslighting to me for so long-- about those feelings.

 

Whenever he spoke of her, he seemed very enamored and said they were two lonely people no one else wanted.

 

We could have separated.

 

I never said a bad word about her. That would have been just wrong and a diverting of where the blame belonged...with my cheating spouse.

 

I think when a spouse GROWS remorseful, and it is over time, they look back at their actions and it makes them sick with guilt. Who was that person? How did he do what he did to his family? To the spouse he now has mysteriously fallen back in love with and fears losing forever.

 

And when he thinks about the OW, he now projects onto her the role of aiding and abetting him willingly in a relationship that has COME TO SIGNIFY one of the most shameful periods of his life that he atones for everyday and NOW regrets.

 

Not fair, but I think that is what happens.

 

Because in his confusion, he told her lies, they both willingly had to plot and plan how to keep it secret from me, but mostly, he lied to himself on so many different levels.

 

So if I was blamed for all that was wrong in his life during the affair, the OW often is blamed by him, in time, after the affair.

 

More conflict avoidance. It is STILL his issue.

[White Flower]

Further, I think any W who falls for this deserves to be a victim, but that is another thread.

 

I dare you to start THAT thread!

Ha ha, maybe I will.

 

<digs up books on infidelity>

[White Flower]

My fWS had very real deep feelings for his OW. I knew this intuitively and told him to go get her.

 

He turned on a dime, and once he could have her, no longer wanted the relationship. My heart broke for HER!

 

While I still was adamant I DID NOT want him because I refuse to be anyone's default choice, he continued pursuing me to reconcile while maintaining contact with her. She hoped, after a year and a half, he would choose her....a very reasonable assumption from a man claiming his wife di not care about him. How could I fault her?

 

I made the decision based on his actions, not his words, and not on her.

 

It seemed unkind and immature to vilify a woman who had fallen in love with the same man I had. My anger was directed solely at him, not for his feelings for her, but for lying to me, the deception and secrecy and gaslighting to me for so long-- about those feelings.

 

Whenever he spoke of her, he seemed very enamored and said they were two lonely people no one else wanted.

 

We could have separated.

 

I never said a bad word about her. That would have been just wrong and a diverting of where the blame belonged...with my cheating spouse.

 

I think when a spouse GROWS remorseful, and it is over time, they look back at their actions and it makes them sick with guilt. Who was that person? How did he do what he did to his family? To the spouse he now has mysteriously fallen back in love with and fears losing forever.

 

And when he thinks about the OW, he now projects onto her the role of aiding and abetting him willingly in a relationship that has COME TO SIGNIFY one of the most shameful periods of his life that he atones for everyday and NOW regrets.

 

Not fair, but I think that is what happens.

 

Because in his confusion, he told her lies, they both willingly had to plot and plan how to keep it secret from me, but mostly, he lied to himself on so many different levels.

 

So if I was blamed for all that was wrong in his life during the affair, the OW often is blamed by him, in time, after the affair.

 

More conflict avoidance. It is STILL his issue.

You are a RARE and unique woman Spark. Once again, I can see why he chose you AND to prove to you by actions that he wanted you. I would have made him show it to me in the same way. Words mean nothing.

[fooled once]

Please don't take this the wrong way but I really need to ask this question....

I am an xOW and I was/am still deeply in love with my xMM(the one I fell in love with, not who he is now)

 

I have read so many threads here on LS and its quite obvious that WH's that have chosen to stay with their W's really blame and usually, once the 'fog' has cleared actually despise the OW??

 

Maybe its just me and my guilt but is that the case??

 

Is it that when the 'fog' clears the the man us 'OW' love with all our hearts think of us as some kind of 'vermin'??

 

I know for a fact that the man I was involved with doesn't hate me. the last time I spoke to him (years ago) he was still trying to convince me to let him back into my life (I was happily married by then).

 

I think many cheaters want what they can't have ... and when the OW stands up and refuses to be disrespected anymore, they cheater gets pissed and blames the mistress --- especially if there was a DDay. Many refuse to accept that THEY are the one who broke the vows, they are the one who cheated on their spouse, they are the spineless wimps who chose to cheat instead of divorce.

 

Hopeless, I think you cling to the relationship and you cling to a fantasy, and to let go of it, would mean the feelings you thought were there really weren't. How can you love someone who really ISN'T that person? The person he is is the one who is with his wife. The person you thought he was just really wasn't HIM. It was him performing for you. It was him playing a part per say. It isn't who he really is. I think you want to be loved so badly, that you think he is someone that he isn't.

 

if you really sit and think about it --- he showed you who he was at the end. He showed you himself and you are still thinking he was someone else. Until you let go of that fantasy, you will continue to think he was some great guy. He isn't. Great guys don't hurt so many people because of actions. OR they don't intentionally manipulate and hurt people. That is what he has done - he intentionally hurt you and his wife. He intentionally disrespected you and his wife by having an affair.

[datura_noir]

The destination in cases like these, is not hate, but indifference. My H and I don't "hate" OW, nor like her....it's just a feeling of dis-belief that he went that far and did so many things contrary to his character at the time of his affair.

 

He loaned her a signficant amount of our monies without my knowledge, and never received any payment. At all. She made condescending comments about me in an email to me and never apologized. At all.

 

There is no hate, but he definitely felt that he screwed up a good thing with us by allowing himself to be drawn into her dramas. And he always blamed himself, and to a lesser degree, her brother. But he never blamed her, just acknowledged that she was all too eager to be sneaky about the whole deal, and it made him question her character, And his own.

[bentnotbroken]

I can't answer for Mr. Messy, but I don't think he thought of ow as vermin. He did say he was the one who pursued and he was the one who persisted in "attaining" her. She was a prize for him. The damsel in distress....or so he thought. Turns out she was a bigger "gamer" than he was and he got played.

[datura_noir]

Some of the responses on this thread (including my own) remind me of the KISA syndrome among men-wanting to rescue a female in distress in order to feel like a savior, or a trusted guide in life.

[MizzBlue72]

Well I think actions speak louder than words.

I am sure that some MM/MW throw the AP under the bus and hate them at the end - but as the other posters have said, it reminds them of a part of life they want to forget.

 

I don't think a MM/MW can repair their marriage if the admit they actually love the AP.

[White Flower]

Well I think actions speak louder than words.

I am sure that some MM/MW throw the AP under the bus and hate them at the end - but as the other posters have said, it reminds them of a part of life they want to forget.

 

I don't think a MM/MW can repair their marriage if the admit they actually love the AP.

This reminds me of something I read in After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring. She doesn't neccessarily suggest to deny being in love, but she does suggest that the WS not admit to the sex being unusually special in the A but if it is already admitted to then just say it was only outstanding due to the implicit nature of the A. IOW, she suggested the WS lie about how great the sex was so that healing the M would be easier.

 

In the end, if the WS really wants to stay M he will say and do anything, including lying, in order to achieve that goal. That is not to say all would lie.

[Owl]

My wife never 'hated' nor 'blamed' the OM after her EA. My wife was very unhappy with herself in relation to her actions during/leading up to the affair, but that's the extent of the 'blame game' for her as far as the whole thing went.

 

She knows that I not only considered her responsible, but OM as well...but we didn't make it a point of contention between us.

 

I did blame OM for his part in the whole thing, ESPECIALLY in light of his/their attempt to 'befriend' me as part of the process.

 

He knowingly, intentionally pursued my wife while claiming to be a friend.

 

He had a share of the 'blame' for the EA, for the betrayal as well.

 

My wife didn't see it this way as much, as her focus was on her role more than anything else.

 

The only one who 'threw OM under the bus' as a result of all of this was me. My wife never attempted to make him out as a bad guy...nor did I require that of her.

[grogster]

I've accepted full responsibility for my affair, and I've not thrown my MW "under the bus" except to say that she was the aggressor. And she was.

 

And I never talk about the extra-marital sex; my wife has never asked. If she does, I'll minimize its importance.

 

It's the healing time, now.

[Snowflower]

I think if the MM is the type to bash his wife to the OW during the affair, then he is likely to bash the OW to the wife after d-day.

 

So, if a OW gleefully listened to her MM hating on his wife, then she should expect the same to be done to her after d-day.

 

Something about this kind of character trait in a man shows a distinct lack of respect for women in general. And it shows a refusal to take responsibility for his part in the A.

 

OTOH, it is not uncommon either for ex-lovers to be rather turned off by the thought of each other after a break-up. How many ex-spouses despise each other after the divorce? Or that former gf/bf where the thought of them now turns your stomach? I think some of 'turn-off' is part of getting over the relationship, whether it was an affair or not. Some ex-lovers can remain friends but with the complicated affair dynamic this is pretty much impossible for xAPs to remain friendly.

 

FTR, my husband didn't ever bash or say he hated his xOW afterward. He was more dismayed by some of her actions during the A and of course, dismayed by his own. He said he never bashed me to her, either. Of course, I will never know for sure.

[John Who]

Please don't take this the wrong way but I really need to ask this question....

I am an xOW and I was/am still deeply in love with my xMM(the one I fell in love with, not who he is now)

 

I have read so many threads here on LS and its quite obvious that WH's that have chosen to stay with their W's really blame and usually, once the 'fog' has cleared actually despise the OW??

 

Maybe its just me and my guilt but is that the case??

 

Is it that when the 'fog' clears the the man us 'OW' love with all our hearts think of us as some kind of 'vermin'??

 

 

This question is perfect for me,when I think about my XOW,I get angry I feel hurt it's just a bad memory for me.I am angry with myself for having an EA,I feel hurt because it saddens me to be reminded of the betrayal and hurt I caused my XW.It is a bad memory because it reminds me of the horrible choice I made that ruined and broke my family apart.

 

Unfortunately OW comes with this package,because to me she is a reminder of what I consider the lowest part of my life,of course this was my choice OW did not force me to have an EA on my W,but OW did not resist me either.