Chochobong Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 My soon to be EX-wife intiated a BREAK between us and then proceeded to have a fling with another man, all the while staying in my (was ours' before the BREAK) house that I own and the phone bill that I pay for. She could have broken up, divorced and moved out before doing this. I don't get it. How can a person who over 6 years showed herself to be loving, caring and a person of good morals and principles betray me like this? Marriage or not, you don't do this to someone you say you still love and care about. I did not cheat on her nor abuse her. I supported her through everything and helped her financially, and this is the thanks I get in return. What is this, a symptom of midlife crisis (her erratic behavior seems to indicate a type of midlife crisis)? How do you justify this course of action in your mind. It makes me sick!
stillafool Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 How old is your wife? It never fails, whenever someone asks for a break in the relationship, no matter what excuse they give; there's always someone waiting in the wings. I suggest you give your wife a real break. Tell her to move out of your house until you decide what you want to do about it. How long has the affair been going on and how did you find out?
TaraMaiden Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Thank your lucky stars she even initiated a break. I agree, she should have completely separated, but many, many countless people don't even get to a "break" stage. And let's put it this way. She tells you she wants a divorce. You ask her why. She either tells you - "I've met someone else" which is pretty blunt and makes you question how the hell this all happened without your noticing, or She tells you she just isn't happy, you've drifted apart, it's not you, it's her, she loves you but she's not IN love with you - then three days after separating, she's in bed with the other guy, and she's now a cheating liar who knew all along why she wanted to separate. Actually, I know it's precious little comfort, but now, you have complete grounds for divorce, but it was on the cards anyway, because when somebody says 'let's take a break', they usually mean 'it's over', anyway.
monkeymaid Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 i dont understant this break stage,or time apart, or needing space. wtf is that ****? peoples brains dont work in stages. we just create them to suit our needs. eff that. you are either in love, marriage or not, or you are not. you are either commited, or you arent. i would tend to see that her break was just her distancing and reasoning to herself that she could **** someone else without guilt. ...let her go, she isnt worth the atoms that she is composed of. ...i mean really? after 6years. ....lowest thing someone can do. kill them, rob them, beat them, but this is the tye of **** that is unforgivable. choch im feeling for you man. ...im sorry you have to feel this shiite. you dont deserve this at all. you are very right in walking away. ....dont give her another chance! it quite sounds like its time for you to protect yourself! obviously there will be legal discussions, but unless there are no kids, NC all the way. hit the gym, its time to become very selfish.
Author Chochobong Posted April 28, 2010 Author Posted April 28, 2010 Wife is 35. No children, but we wanted to have some in the near future. She's been open, honest and trustworthy until the BREAK. She has had ongoing insecurities and anxiety (some she admits, some she hides). Recent changes with friendships and family issues. Multiple job losses and career dissatisfaction over the last 4 years. Some regrets that have been held dormant. I'm not without my faults and problems, though. I'm turning towards introspection and self-reflection to fix things. She on the otherhand wants to run away and make a big change. In her words, "There have been all these little changes going on, I feel like I need to do a big change".
CarrieT Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 I am sorry you are going through this but it shocks me whenever someone is surprised that someone they love "cheats" while on a "break." Asking for a "break" and allowing a "break" is exactly that; a free pass to pretend and believe that a relationship does not exist. Maybe not for the person who is granting the "break," but definitely for the person asking for it. Why this is a surprise to people astounds me.
Trimmer Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Asking for a "break" and allowing a "break" is exactly that; a free pass to pretend and believe that a relationship does not exist. Maybe not for the person who is granting the "break," but definitely for the person asking for it. Ask for a "break" and you will usually get what it sounds like: it ends up "broken." I'm not without my faults and problems, though. I'm turning towards introspection and self-reflection to fix things. She on the otherhand wants to run away and make a big change. In her words, "There have been all these little changes going on, I feel like I need to do a big change". This makes it sound like she knows what is going on and is trying to make changes, but I think what it really reflects is that she has NO IDEA what is going on, and she's flailing around trying to fix herself, her dissatisfaction, without having any introspective idea what the problem is in the first place. Small changes not working? Then let's make some big ones! SHe's chasing a mirage... But in the end, unless she really gets to the root of her dissatisfaction, she'll be chasing ghosts with a butterfly net.
Author Chochobong Posted April 28, 2010 Author Posted April 28, 2010 Really it doesn't surprise me. She originally put it on me and said that I needed to see what else was out there. She denied she wanted/needed to see others. Told her twice I was not cool with either one of else sleeping with someone else. I got silence the first time and then a "Fine" the next. Of course in my emotional state I was willing to forgive her for her actions and lying. Damn ***ch! If not now, a similar scenario probably would've played itself out down the road, no?
Trimmer Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 ...all the while staying in my (was ours' before the BREAK) house that I own and the phone bill that I pay for. Out of curiosity, did she initiate the break, and then you agreed to move out, or what happened there?
carhill Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 OP, this nebulous mess is how women justify their actions after the fact. Cut through the BS. File for divorce and move back into *your* house. Forget about understanding anything. You never will. Trust me. Clear action is what is needed now. Proactive. She's now irrelevant. Good luck
Author Chochobong Posted April 28, 2010 Author Posted April 28, 2010 Out of curiosity, did she initiate the break, and then you agreed to move out, or what happened there? She initiated the break and then we continued to live together. Less contact, no questions about whereabouts, etc. She goes on vacation and we initiate NC and then things continue to drift apart. I have to rely on Facebook to find out the state of her thinking and what she is telling people - I am the last know, of course. She dances around the question when I ask her if she is planning to move out. I then gave her a firm deadline of when she is to move out by.
stillafool Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 I'm glad you gave her a deadline. She was just dancing around the question until she finds out what is going on with her new man. Let her figure these things out away from you. Go NC on her arse as soon as possible. Maybe the fog will start to clear for her then.
Author Chochobong Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 My belief is this.....you cut all ties from your SO before you begin another fling, relationship, etc. Anything other than complete separation before taking such action proves they are willing to break their high morals, values and principals (should they have any in the first place). My wife had offers from friends for her to move in with them. She could have asked me for a divorce. And she chose not to do these things before engaging in her so called fling.
You Go Girl Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Move back into your house. If you have equity and have moved out, it can be considered abandonment of primary residence in a divorce and she could get all the equity. SHE wanted a break and to mess around. Why are you the one who has the inconveniences, like moving out of your house? Let the cheater have to deal with the inconveniences, everytime. You are to go through life with business as usual. She is the train wreck, not you.
Author Chochobong Posted May 8, 2010 Author Posted May 8, 2010 I never moved out, but she is now completely out. Divorce proceedings will be happening soon. - I didn't beg or plead for her back at any time - Played the whole thing cool headed and civil (highly doubt she can pin anything negative coming from side during this whole fallout) - Went NC and respected her request for space and time apart Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing. In the past she has poked me to stir up some emotional pizazz because this somehow ignites passion and proves I love her. I want to tell her "Thanks for showing me your true character and loyalty". I know nothing good would probably come from saying it and she would either ignore it or bring up some short coming of mine from the past. I hope she eventually wakes from this newness and excitement of being single and starting anew and feels regret and remorse for her actions towards me and her decision to end things. There are days where I feel like I'm moving on and over her. And then there are moments that creep up where I either miss her, or I'm pissed at her for having a fling and stringing me along while I was emotionally vulnerable (while she was checking out, weaning herself off me, and planning her escape).
Author Chochobong Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 He is acting like someone who has fallen out of love, but hasn't completely fallen out of love. I'd say he is more than 85% gone, though. That little bit left is where you see the "I love you", the tearfulness, the "miss you", the not wanting to change status - but... it is small compared to the coldness, the not talking to you, defensiveness (yes, there is more than likely another girl in the picture on some level or other - his behavior over 'trust' is a dead giveaway), and so on. It sounds like he is genuinely dismayed over watching his love for you uncontrollably leak away. When you fall out of love, it can be just as confusing and hurt just as much to the person who is doing the falling out of love as it is to the victim of it. That keeps them hanging on for a while, but it won't stop the process. If there is another girl, or even just the temptation of one, he may be feeling guilty about it and that might be part of his anger as well. When a person is on the way out, nothing and I do mean nothing will keep them from leaving. They might keep one foot in the door out of guilt/nostalgia/residual emotion - but, the parts that really count are gone. Don't struggle to hold on to that small and dwindling percent of emotion he still has left for you. It is like trying to hold water in a jug with a thousand tiny holes. Even that percentage shrinks to nothing. When that happens, he will be like an alien to you: cold, distant, short, etc. You only know the person he is when he loves you. You are beginning to see the person he is when he doesn't. That is why ex's seem like some alien came and kidnapped their brains - because when you get to know someone in the context of a romantic relationship, you aren't seeing 100% of who they are. You are only seeing the percent of them that loves you. The percent that doesn't is a stranger that you never see until they are on the way out, or already gone. Hang in there. He is leaving: if you hang on, it will simply speed up the process. If you let go, you can both walk away at your own paces. For you own sanity and emotional health, it would be best to treat this like a complete breakup and let him know you need to move on from this pain. Wish I knew this 2 months ago.....but then again if I was in the Denial Stage I may not have believed it right away.
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