Nikki Sahagin Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 How would you take this? 1) They want to discover who they are and what they want from life. 2) They want to play the field and have sex with lots of new people. 3) They didn't want to be with you enough. My ex left me to be single. He hasn't been in another relationship and I doubt he will for a long time. So i've always wondered, if he said he loved me, and he isn't with anyone else, why the hell did he leave?
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted April 28, 2010 Author Posted April 28, 2010 He is 21 and we were both each others first sexual partner.
Els Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 I think there are some people who genuinely feel that at this point in life, they don't need a relationship and would be happier without one - not because they want to sleep with lots of people and not necessarily to discover themselves.
EthanH Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 see, the fact people actually choose one of your options shows the real limitations of this site, and the weakness of your question. What is the point of this? There is a real chance that he could have wanted to be single for all/some/none of these reasons, what do you think will be achieved by asking this? The ONLY person who knows is him. He is young, and inexperienced, but everyone is different. I think trying to work out why he left is a pointless exercise, I can understand why you are doing it, but can't you see it is pointless, say 10 people say it is so he can go and have sex with other people, so you take something from that? and feel upset as you think he is away with other people etc etc, um... what is the point in that?
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted April 28, 2010 Author Posted April 28, 2010 see, the fact people actually choose one of your options shows the real limitations of this site, and the weakness of your question. What is the point of this? There is a real chance that he could have wanted to be single for all/some/none of these reasons, what do you think will be achieved by asking this? The ONLY person who knows is him. He is young, and inexperienced, but everyone is different. I think trying to work out why he left is a pointless exercise, I can understand why you are doing it, but can't you see it is pointless, say 10 people say it is so he can go and have sex with other people, so you take something from that? and feel upset as you think he is away with other people etc etc, um... what is the point in that? Well there isn't really a point but its me getting my feelings out rather than bottling it up. Because i'd only be asking it in my head, if not on here and its helpful to me to get these questions and thoughts out. I'm not expecting to understand him or learn a great revelation from peoples answers because as you say, people don't know him and I myself will never know the reasons. I just find it strange someone can supposedly love you...but choose to be single.
USMCHokie Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 The most fundamental option is 3. All breakups boil down to option 3. Look at option 1...they want to do this "self-discovery" (which I personally feel is just a line of BS)...but without you...because you weren't good enough...they didn't want to hold onto you...death of a party is really the only circumstance that would force a breakup...otherwise, one party doesn't think the other is worth staying with... Next, option 2...sex with just you isn't good enough...they want strange...so again, they didn't feel that a monogamous relationship with you was worth giving up all that new sex... Option 3...they didn't want to be with you enough...every breakup comes down to that...I challenge you to find an exception...
TaraMaiden Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Yup. It all boils down to number 3. Whether they've had a string of flings, or one serious partner since breaking up with you, or they're still alone and single - being with you just didn't float their boat. You weren't the one. And that's fine, because in their actions, they sure as hell proved that however much you loved, you couldn't ever love enough for two, and that they would never have completely floated your boat either. A person who breaks up with you, is actually doing you a huge favour.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted April 28, 2010 Author Posted April 28, 2010 Thanks guys. This may sound strange but your answers have actually been really empowering and helpful for me to read. All of this time i've hung onto this idea that we had this mad, beautiful love and possibly we did, and possibly he did love me very, very much, but that changed, and hanging onto this almost pre-destined idea of us being meant to be and that we would last forever, is simply me being poetic and naive and romantic - but it isn't the reality. I'm not trying to diminish the relationship and the love we had for each other, but obviously it was more 'my head', my heart, my expectations....rather than the reality of what we shared or no self-discovery or amount of new sex would be enough to make him leave something that meant so much and was so special. I guess its important to realise that, what you feel isn't necessarily what they feel, or what they feel anymore for you. I think realistically for me and my ex, it is a combination of him wanting to find himself alone, have experiences with new girls and maybe not about not loving me enough, but about not wanting to try enough. My ex has never denied loving me, but I do not believe he wanted to try anymore...so he was able to walk away from that love...maybe that does equate to not loving me enough. We weren't compatable enough, we had to many problems, it was too hard to fix, easier to walk-away. This has been helpful for me, thankyou you guys
EthanH Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Next, option 2...sex with just you isn't good enough...they want strange...so again, they didn't feel that a monogamous relationship with you was worth giving up all that new sex... lol, seriously, haha um, how can you say any of this stuff? You just pick this out of thin air?
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted April 28, 2010 Author Posted April 28, 2010 Interestingly....my ex is apparantly not interested in sex and not having any (I didn't hear this through him but through someone else).
USMCHokie Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 lol, seriously, haha um, how can you say any of this stuff? You just pick this out of thin air? So are you denying the truth of that statement...? Or just objecting to the blatant straightforwardness of it...?
USMCHokie Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Interestingly....my ex is apparantly not interested in sex and not having any (I didn't hear this through him but through someone else). And sometimes it's legitimately not about sex...
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted April 28, 2010 Author Posted April 28, 2010 And sometimes it's legitimately not about sex... I know...I think I just assume it must be because he is young and a man and wants to sow his wild oats. I would hate to think of him out there with loads of new girls, but I think it would help put me off him.
EthanH Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 no, i just think sometimes you are too straightforward, you think things are always black and white, when sometimes they are grey... but it doesn't stop you from coming out with forward unfounded pieces of advice like you have some form of 'facts' on it... and these are upset people...i just think you should be a bit more balanced...
USMCHokie Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 no, i just think sometimes you are too straightforward, you think things are always black and white, when sometimes they are grey... but it doesn't stop you from coming out with forward unfounded pieces of advice like you have some form of 'facts' on it... and these are upset people...i just think you should be a bit more balanced... There are enough people on LS that would rather blow sunshine up people's asses because those people are upset...and I agree that sometimes the upset folks need just that...but LS doesn't need another sunshine blower...and I'm willing to be that jack*ss that provides people with a different perspective on things...albeit straightforward and oftentimes insensitive, but usually the perspective that requires one to take off the rose-tinted glasses and see things for what they are after you strip off all the bullsh*t from a situation...the "grey," as you call it... And unfounded...? My "advice" comes from personal experience as well as the experience from countless LS members, friends, and family. Unfortunately, it often isn't what people want to hear...for that, they come to LS looking for sunshine blowers...
USMCHokie Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 I know...I think I just assume it must be because he is young and a man and wants to sow his wild oats. I would hate to think of him out there with loads of new girls, but I think it would help put me off him. I understand how you feel about this...my ex had this same fear...that I would one day up and leave because I hadn't sown my wild oats...but never had that thought crossed my mind... Would thinking that truly help you though...? In one way, you say it will help put you off him...but is it worth the pain of thinking those thoughts...? Or is it better to not place a reason on him leaving at all...but to just let it be that he simply left...? Must we always label our breakups with a reason they left...?
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted April 28, 2010 Author Posted April 28, 2010 I understand how you feel about this...my ex had this same fear...that I would one day up and leave because I hadn't sown my wild oats...but never had that thought crossed my mind... Would thinking that truly help you though...? In one way, you say it will help put you off him...but is it worth the pain of thinking those thoughts...? Or is it better to not place a reason on him leaving at all...but to just let it be that he simply left...? Must we always label our breakups with a reason they left...? Well...I think human beings need reasons, most of us anyway. For things to just happen for no purpose, to have no meaning - lots of people struggle with that. Its why we question things and we ask how, why, what, when? I mean, I am relieved to have heard that he ISN'T currently a sex mad pimp because it shows I was special to him, that sex isn't just something he is having with everybody. But at the same time, I am put off promiscuous men, so it would definately put me off of him. I know we perhaps shouldn't look for meanings and justifications for everything but it is part of my nature and I think it helps me heal. I think all girls worry their boyfriend will want to go off to sleep with loads of new girls. Because we were each others first I always knew or had the fear he would 'need' or 'want' other girls. I couldn't imagine a guy only wanting or having one sexual partner.
EthanH Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 give straight advice, sure, but I think you are confusing that with the part I quoted from you, where you are talking a 50/50 situation and making a wild prediction... just because it happened to you, doesn't mean it is the case for anyone else in a particular situation... and it just doesn't help... people on here don't want to be told by someone who knows nothing about their situation that their ex is sleeping everyone, simply based on the fact that your ex did... can't you see why that is so harmful and frankly irresponsible to say...
GrayClouds Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 (edited) and it just doesn't help... people on here don't want to be told by someone who knows nothing about their situation That is simple silly. That is the only reason to be on LS. Just because it is not what the person may want to hear, and even if it is, it is advice told by "someone who knows nothing about their situation". People are looking for advice from compete strangers, by the nature of the site, little beyond what is given about the situation. And for those smart enough to accept it receive advice that is unbiased, unemotional, and generally uncomplicated by and large quite good. ]can't you see why that is so harmful and frankly irresponsible to say... Naive statement at best. Whats more harmful and frankly irresponsible is to play into someones nonconstructive, unhealthy, emotionally driven, self sabotaging thinking patterns. As as far as gray area, which by my name I think I can speak on the subject, when it come right down to it there is very little in a break-up. The only thing looking into the gray does is keep people from moving on and healing. It is an emotional security blanket to comfort the fact that someone rather walk away then be with you. For not matter what the nuance of the break-up is, that is the only fact that matters. Holding on to anything but that fact is holding on to pain. . Edited April 28, 2010 by GrayClouds
northstar1 Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 As as far as gray area, which by my name I think I can speak on the subject, when it come right down to it there is very little in a break-up. The only thing looking into the gray does is keep people from moving on and healing. It is an emotional security blanket to comfort the fact that someone rather walk away then be with you. For not matter what the nuance of the break-up is, that is the only fact that matters. Holding on to anything but that fact is holding on to pain. . Well put. I know I did that as well with my breakup, purposely tried to 'cloud' the real reason we broke up as a way to protect my own ego and think that there might be hope.
GrayClouds Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Well put. I know I did that as well with my breakup, purposely tried to 'cloud' the real reason we broke up as a way to protect my own ego and think that there might be hope. :laugh: very good
USMCHokie Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 give straight advice, sure, but I think you are confusing that with the part I quoted from you, where you are talking a 50/50 situation and making a wild prediction... just because it happened to you, doesn't mean it is the case for anyone else in a particular situation... and it just doesn't help... people on here don't want to be told by someone who knows nothing about their situation that their ex is sleeping everyone, simply based on the fact that your ex did... can't you see why that is so harmful and frankly irresponsible to say... Actually, this never happened to me...my thoughts and advice are not clouded by any sort of hatred or vengeance against women...far from...I admit that there was a time a while back when I thought I could never trust them again, which is a very common effect of breakups...but as time went on I pulled my head from out of my ass and realized that a vast majority of women are good people...now it's just a matter of recognizing and avoiding the few not so good ones...not putting up with stupid things from women... And in the passage that you quoted me from, I merely explained that the first two options presented by OP were in fact derivatives of the third option...and note that the options were reasons the dumper gave for ending the relationship...option 2 clearly stated that the dumper wanted to go out and have sex with other people...never did I say that the dumper was already sleeping with new people...just that they wanted out because they wanted new sex...just as option 2 stated... And Nikki, I must apologize for this whole segue in your thread...
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted April 28, 2010 Author Posted April 28, 2010 Its a good distraction from thoughts of the exes sex life so argue on, i'll sit back with popcorn
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