Did NC, ex contacted me, now she won't contact me again

[wingman2]

As some of you know already I've accepted my ex girlfriend's decision to break up. Pleaded for the first week however but regardless I've done everything right and everything that I've read in some books I've purchased and remarkably the events happened exactly as I was explained would happen in those books.

 

I stayed in NC for over 3 weeks and then my ex contacted me and admitted to how much she missed me. She was even eager and extremely impatient to speak with me. We talked last Friday for the first time since a little after the breakup but as some of you know that conversation didn't go as expected but I managed to keep a calm and casual attitude without looking desperate. If you want to read more about our conversation go here. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t229346/

 

Everything was going so well and just as planned and I felt as if everything was taking a turn for the best... but now I have the feeling everything may have just sunk down deeper into the hole it's been 5 days and my ex still hasn't said anything to me again. Prior to our conversation she was desperate to see me and hear my voice and just talk to me in general but now not even a word, not even a lousy text message like what she's been sending me constantly last week. What could have gone wrong? I know our conversation wasn't the best.. well it wasn't bad we didn't argue, in fact we didn't even go into detail about the breakup and our relationship but rather caught up with things going on in our lives. It didn't go as expected for me because I was expecting her to go into deeper detail discussing our breakup and the problems in our relationship while trying to keep it exciting but it was really dull and awkward.

 

I've mentioned in my earlier post that I'm currently in NC and maintaining that. I'm just so confused as to why she would be so desperate to speak with me all last week, seeming as if she wanted to reconcile but now has completely disappeared from my life? The only thing going through my mind was I blew it at the conversation and talking to her gave her a reason to not want to come back because it didn't feel the same. But that's only typical being the first convo am I right? I feel as if I've posted this question already but it's just driving me nuts. Is this normal to happen? Those of you who have had your ex's contact you, behaving as if they want you back and admit that they miss you but then completely block you out before you know it, please let me know what happened after that. I really don't know what to do from here and where things will go. I just know I'm going to remain NC and wait and see if she'll pop up again but sometimes I wonder if she ever will.

 

A friend of mine told me she's waiting for me to make the first move now and another friend of mine gave me his opinion that she possibly may have wanted to reconcile but saw that I'm doing well without her and made no effort in wanting to reconcile on my part so she just gave up. Could this be true? Will she come around again?

 

I know everything was going so well up until Friday, I just need to stop worrying and know what my next move should be or whether I should remain this way until she speaks up again.

 

Is this normal? By that I mean is there nothing to worry about or did I conpletely screw up here?

 

What do you think will happen next? I could really use some insight, specially from people who have been in similar situations as me, or just give me your opinion as to why she may have stopped contacting me

[TaraMaiden]

You've broken up.

What SHOULD happen is that you should stay in NC, not contact her, not hope for her to contact you, and if she does, cut her off, stop her getting through and blank her totally.

 

If she really really wants to make a go of this, then you'll know.

 

You'll know because she will fall at your feet, apologise profusely, tell you what an awful, dreadful mistake she's made, she desperately wants to make amends, she will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, to prove she's serious and regain your trust, and to please, please give her another chance, please.

 

Anything else is just yanking your chain and throwing you breadcrumbs.

 

If however, you like slashing your body and pouring salt and lemon juice in the wounds, together with pushing two needles up your nostrils sideways, and pull them out through your eyes, then go ahead.

 

because by prolonging this, and hanging on to this, you're hurting yourself marginally more than that.

[northstar1]

Unfortunately no one can give you the actual answer. However, it is clear she is not making much of an effort to get back with you.

 

If I had to guess, and realize this is a guess, is that she missed the attention from you, and wanted to see how she felt when she saw you again. You obliged and she got her fix of attention, and didn't feel she wanted to try again, or wasn't ready. So she's retreated again.

 

It sucks, because I know how it feels to meetup with an ex and have the feelings come back when you have a nice time, only to have nothing change.

 

I would suggest going back to NC and assume she isn't coming back and there is nothing in you power to change it. Don't make any moves to try and win her back again. The next move, if there is one, is in her court.

[Rearden Metal]

It took my GF three or four periods of NC interspersed with small bouts of contact before she realized that it was on her to make the move. I think up til then she expected me to continue trying to get back with her. Once she saw that I was focused on my own business, she took the initiative.

[lullaby]

Well, you commented on my problem and it's quite similar. I can't tell you that much because I'm not taking a decision either.

I would probably advice you to wait and follow the NC rule. At least for a week or two. If she really wants to see you, she will contact you again. As you told me, I don't know up to which point they are like playing games with us. Remember that the dumper needs to know the other person is still there, unless it's really a complicated situation in which they don't want to see you anymore, but if not, they need to feel the other one is suffering too and is available just in case, so they don't feel guilty for taking the wrong decission. I was a dumper once, and I remember I used to call my ex just to see how he was and the moment I heard he was seeing someone else, I totally colapsed and went nuts. Again, this is like "do as I say, but not as I do", right? I'm desperate to call my ex, but I'm trying to be strong and wait.

Look, a friend told me the other day "it will never be late, because if he loves you, you'll get back together, if not, then you won't be wasting your time and will think it was best for him not to appear because he then is not worthy of you".

I hope it helps!!!! we're all together in this mess!

 

Best!

[Ronni_W]

A friend of mine told me she's waiting for me to make the first move now and another friend of mine gave me his opinion that she possibly may have wanted to reconcile but saw that I'm doing well without her and made no effort in wanting to reconcile on my part so she just gave up. Could this be true?

It is possible that it could be true. It's as possible, though, that your friends are just guessing, assuming and making things up for whatever their perverted reason(s).

You could ask them if she specifically told them that and, if not, what is motivating them -- are they trying to somehow make you feel "better" by saying what they're guessing/assuming you want to hear? If so, maybe let them know that for your healing and moving on, ultimately, false hope will be much worse (on you) than no hope at all.

 

 

As far as your ex's motives and desires, you will need to ask her. There just isn't anybody else qualified to tell you what is going on in her head or heart.

 

One *guess* is that she wanted/needed to speak with you last week to confirm that she'd made the right-for-her decision to break-up with you. *If* it was something like that, yes, it could have come across as her being "desperate" to speak with you...but her desperation would have been about confirming her prior decision -- she "needed" you to help her do that.

 

Another *guess* is that she wanted to see if there was anything to salvage or that might influence her to try for a reconciliation. Given that she's gone MIA again, most likely it just isn't there for her anymore. If there was anything at all, she would have been in some kinda contact with you, yes?

 

Again, though, if these types of questions are going to consume your mind and erode your heart, then you are as well to just ask her (because she is the only one who actually knows her own answers.) But. Contact her with a vow and commitment to yourself that it will absolutely, definitely, no-doubt-about-it be your very last contact with her.

[cmichael16]

Well, you commented on my problem and it's quite similar. I can't tell you that much because I'm not taking a decision either.

I would probably advice you to wait and follow the NC rule. At least for a week or two. If she really wants to see you, she will contact you again. As you told me, I don't know up to which point they are like playing games with us. Remember that the dumper needs to know the other person is still there, unless it's really a complicated situation in which they don't want to see you anymore, but if not, they need to feel the other one is suffering too and is available just in case, so they don't feel guilty for taking the wrong decission. I was a dumper once, and I remember I used to call my ex just to see how he was and the moment I heard he was seeing someone else, I totally colapsed and went nuts. Again, this is like "do as I say, but not as I do", right? I'm desperate to call my ex, but I'm trying to be strong and wait.

Look, a friend told me the other day "it will never be late, because if he loves you, you'll get back together, if not, then you won't be wasting your time and will think it was best for him not to appear because he then is not worthy of you".

I hope it helps!!!! we're all together in this mess!

 

Best!

 

I really like that quote (reversed because I am the he and the ex is a she)

 

My story has been very interesting. I am on a self imposed vacation from all things facebook because of it.

 

So My ex and I have been broken up for 2 months, 1 week and 2 days at this point, during the first month it was me begging, then going NC, then finally telling her I agreed with the breakup (and while I agree a few things neded to change it would have been really easy to talk them out and fix them, sheesh) then she tells me Im her backup plan if her then current relationship doesnt work out. they break up, we talk, decide its too soon (it really really was) and she begged me to be friends, after a week of that I told her no, I cant be friends I still have feelings for you. so we go NC again, last week I start seeing random FB postings like "I have someone new that makes me happy" and "I have someone new that makes me smile" then I blocked her feed on facebook, because if I remove her Ill catch absolute hell, then I couldnt resist the urge to check her feed, nothing new, but I knew I needed to stop looking, so Ive gone silent on facebook for the time being.

 

Saturday she calls me repeatedly, leaving a vm and such, after like the 12th call I finally answered and told her listen Im in No contact to heal, if you want to discuss reconcilliation call me but no time soon, if you need to handle business (her INS is still in my name but I got a notice from her new carrier it goes into effect 5/8) text me, but I really want to do NC to heal damnit.

 

So that was it till today when she texts me to say her ins. goes into effect the 8th and if i cancel it the 1st (original cut off date) then she will just try hard not to wreck, and that she knows I dont want her to contact me.

 

my response was, okay its set for the 8th, but please respect my no contact unless its absolute business or you want to reconcile.

 

her response was "LOL I just dont like texting about sappy ****" whatever the hell that means

 

so I responded (again) and said then if you find you miss me and want to reconcile call me and we will discuss, but I have someone I am talking to and make sure its not for at minimum 3 weeks I grow stronger every day and will not respond to breadcrumbs. I may one day reach out to you but it is extremely unlikely, sorry. Ill talk to you at some juncture I am sure.

 

and that was it. Im healing, slowly, her calls are sent strait to her own dedicated VM (thanks Google Voice) but my phone and carrier wont block texts from one number, sigh.

 

Do I still want a second chance? yes if she will come crawling, otherwise absolutely not. but she needs as much time as I do to straiten out her 21 year old head (Im 27, 28 next month).

 

I dont think I am gonna reset the counter because All I did was lay out the NC rules again and settle some business, will I ever hear from her again? Ide like to, but honestly it doesnt matter, Ive let her go.

 

Ball is totally in her court now and she probably is starting to understand that.

 

Wow long post, sorry, jsut thought Ide spell out how hard NC is sometimes

[wingman2]

I got a bad feeling Ronni is right about how she might not have found anything to salvage and has decided to give up and move on. It's my biggest fear since the conversation was really awkward and there was no spark but that's typical being the first conversation after the break up and to top it all off I wasn't even ready to talk to her and I was nervous and tense.

 

I just can't be at peace until I have the answers and I believe the only way is for me to ask exactly what she's feeling and what her intentions were by contacting me. I'd rather wait till she contacts me again but if she never does I will never be at peace until I know because everyday my mind if spinning in circles about this and I could never be at ease. I have a lot I want to tell her, things I need to get off my chest and I want to know why she showed so much attention towards me last week but now doesn't care one bit. Last week so was so eager to speak to me, told me she missed me incredibly and has been thinking about me but now shows no interest towards me so I want to know what her intention was. Part of me thinks she's just playing with me and needed her fix but why get my hopes up like that then shut me off?

 

Part of me wants to just chew her out if that's the case. Tell her she's already hurt me enough as it is she should't use me to try and get over her pain while causing me more. I just don't know what I should do. I feel like I should give myself at least another week but can't handle it I need to know. Hopefully she'll get to me before I do.

[ChemicalFire]

If she loved you then it's unlikely that she did any of this in order to hurt you. Unless you did something that would make her hate you. She is probably just trying to work out exactly what she wants.

 

If you need to get things off your chest, write a letter and don't send it, use the frustration to make yourself a better person.

 

I know it's hard man, I'm finding it the same, but it would seem that she has no romantic feeling for you any-more. I'm not saying she doesn't, but from what you say it doesn't look that way.

 

Don't confront her man, it's the worst thing you can do. I think it may be time to move on. Look at this way, if you move on and she does come back to talk to you, you'll of lost nothing. But if you wait around and wait for her, then you may lose an awful lot.

Edited April 28, 2010 by ChemicalFire

[lullaby]

Yeah, I agree with ChemicalFire. It's really tough, but although it may seem unreasonable, she is struggling too. That's for sure. It's not easy to take that decission and you both are confused, so whatever you do or say it may not be the real thing, and the same goes for her. She will never stop caring about you, that's a fact, and of course she will want to hear your voice or see how you're doing, you've always been there for her, and it's comfy you know, like an old pair of jeans. But imagine her seeing her phone and not seeing your call, how would she feel? She will wonder!

Try to give yourself the time. I bet it will be the hardest thing to do, because I'm coping with the same s***! You know deep down inside you that you will still be waiting for her, but do it in silence and let her think whatever she has to think.

If you really need to ask her, then do it, noone will tell you what to do. It's just that we've all read from this kind of experiencies, and the first talks are never the nice ones and leave no conclussion. You have to be stronger in order to confront her when the time comes. At least, that's what I tell myself so I won't call my ex bf.

 

Let us know how it goes!

[Tiggerlondon]

Hi Wingman and all other posters to this string

 

I have just joined this site tonight as i just had to comment, as your latest posts could have been me talking.

All I want is some honest answers, not knowing how my ex really feels is driving me crazy but then i'm the one who initiated the break up.

Long complicated story in my case but was perfect for a year until the curse of drug and achohol abuse reared up. My ex has a troubled background and uses to drown everything out.

This resulted in physical abuse towards me and my posessions, jealousy. control etc etc .

I am not a big drinker and dont use drugs at all.

Watching the person you love with all your heart disappear before you eyes and not being able to stop it is torture

Anyway after enduring another eighteen months of hell which resulted in me starting to lose my health and some of my hair with the stress, we had an argument because of him staying out drinking and then not being able to go to work the next day.

i guess what i had to say that night really hit the spot because following day he left and i have not seen him since 1 dec last year.

My point is after all he did to me , he acts like it is all my fault.

After various calls in the first weeks after the breakup, insulting texts from him if he thought i was going out, i went NC from around mid Jan and thats how it stayed until the other nite.

Just when i was doing so well, up he pops drunk and high obviously to tell me he still loves me etc etc , lets go way and talk blah blah blah.

I was ecstatic to hear from him, pathetic i know.

Then the next day nothing.

I felt just like you. Why open up the wound like that and then act like nothings happened.

I wanted answers to so I txt him two days later and got barely one word replies.

Its absolutely taken me back to square one and now all im waiting for is the message bleep.

No matter what went on , im ashamed to say that i still love the guy even when 99% of me knows I m so much better off without him.

Although technically i know im the Dumper it wasnt by choice , more a matter of survival.

All the posters advice makes perfect sense but in the meantime you just have to battle with yourself everyday to not keep dissecting everything and to keep yourself from contacting them.

 

I just wish i had blocked that number as soon as the first text popped up and had not bothered to respond to the 40 plus that followed it ! But of course I was like a moth to a flame. Now i just feel stupid for being "tricked" into showing my hand to someone who just needed yet another fix.

I just want that person that i fell in love with back and i cant have it.

Maybe we will never know the real truth of whats going on inside their head or hearts and thats the hardest part to bear.

 

I just need to know thats it finally finished and then i can move on but all im getting is dont knows and mixed messages.

If you go down that route of asking straight out, i hope you have more luck than me :-) and get the peace that you deserve.

[wingman2]

Chemfire I understand what you're saying but I can't move on until I've gotten a few things off my chest and figured out what exactly her intention was for wanting to talk to me. I will never be at ease until I do.

 

Of course the first conversation is not going to feel the same because it's the first after some time apart and considering we're broken up it's not going to feel the same. We can't act all romantic when we're apart but I just put on a calm casual attitude and showed her I'm doing well. I didn't want to bring up the breakup or appear desperate. Also we were both pretty nervous and tense. This does not mean however that our connection can be determined by just one conversation.

 

I'm just going to give myself time, if she doesn't come around I'm going to tell her wuts on my mind. If chances are I'll lose her anyway I might as well tell her to get things off my chest and find out the real reason she wanted to talk. This way I'll have the answer and she'll know my side of the story. It might not help her come back but it'll be some form of closure to me.

[wingman2]

Chemfire I understand what you're saying but I can't move on until I've gotten a few things off my chest and figured out what exactly her intention was for wanting to talk to me. I will never be at ease until I do.

 

Of course the first conversation is not going to feel the same because it's the first after some time apart and considering we're broken up it's not going to feel the same. We can't act all romantic when we're apart but I just put on a calm casual attitude and showed her I'm doing well. I didn't want to bring up the breakup or appear desperate. Also we were both pretty nervous and tense. This does not mean however that our connection can be determined by just one conversation.

 

I'm just going to give myself time, if she doesn't come around I'm going to tell her wuts on my mind. If chances are I'll lose her anyway I might as well tell her to get things off my chest and find out the real reason she wanted to talk. This way I'll have the answer and she'll know my side of the story. It might not help her come back but it'll be some form of closure to me.

[Ronni_W]

wingman,

It IS important for you to get any "closure" that you need in order to start recovering and moving forward. If that must take the form of you sharing your intimate thoughts and feelings directly with her, then that's what you gotta do for yourself.

 

I would caution, though, that being, or trying to be, emotionally intimate with someone who just don't give a crap only leaves YOU in a vulnerable position, exposed and at risk of being disappointed and hurt by that person over and over again.

 

OTOH, if you are going to do that, I'm wondering why you are not just taking charge of your own recovery, acting assertively and doing what you gotta do on YOUR schedule? As you've explained it, you're planning to wait for her to contact you...and then you're gonna "chew her out" -- that's just passive-aggressive...or totally pussy, if you will.

Your "plan" means that you are dependent on her kindness and desires, to (hopefully) grant you an audience in which you can get things off your chest. So also, a totally dependent pussy, if you will.

 

What is up with THAT?

 

In any case. You could start by writing down your thoughts, opinions and feelings -- so that you can get things clear and ordered in your own mind. It will also ensure that you do say EVERYTHING to her that you want to say, in one conversation.

 

I want to know what her intention was.

In reality, what difference is it going to make to anything, after you know what her intention was? What if her intention was just to mess with your head? What if it was to see if she wanted to reconcile (which it ended up no, she did not)? What if it was to prove that she can still get you to do what she wants, when she wants? What if it was to satisfy any doubt she might have had about the break-up (which it ended up she has no more doubts)?

 

How does knowing ANY of that change anything for you, in reality? How does knowing which SPECIFIC one of those scenarios is her truth, change anything for you?

Think of all the possible intentions she may have had, and ask the same question. Is there really one that is somehow gonna make you feel "better" about and at peace with her decision? If so, then just accept that one for yourself -- you don't need her for this.

 

It was her decision. You had no control over it. Knowing her intentions will not give you any more control than before knowing it.

 

why get my hopes up like that

She didn't do that to you, wingman -- you did it to yourself. YOU "read" all kinds of possibilities into her request to speak with you. YOU decided she sounded "desperate". YOU decided her request and her "desperation" had to mean what you wanted it to mean.

 

She did NOT say, or even hint, that she wanted to try to get back together. She didn't really do anything for you to have gotten your own hope up.

 

It's difficult to lose an important and valued person. The way you're dealing with it, though, is just going to make it even more difficult on yourself. Take charge; Get back in control. Genuine control, over the things over you really do have power and control -- your own thoughts, feelings, words and actions. If you have things to say to her, it is your responsibility to make that happen. I wouldn't be sitting around waiting for her to grace me with an opportunity to control my own life!

 

I know it sucks. I'm sorry that you're hurting and experiencing all this mental and emotional chaos. You do have the power to get yourself to a better place...but how you're currently thinking about and doing it isn't the best way.

Hugs.

[northstar1]

Wingman

 

What Ronni says is very good advice.

 

We all, after a breakup, usually have more we have to say, and want the chance to say it for 'closure'.

 

But let me tell you from experience, it rarely will make you feel better.

 

I had the same thoughts, I had feelings about the past, our relationship, my faults, what went wrong, how it could have worked etc. I was certain that writing her these feelings would be cathartic and I'd have closure. But part of me also wanted my words to somehow make her come back. People are only fooling themselves if they deny that this effort is only about 'closure'.

 

Anyways, what often happens is you send the letter with some hope that it will make you feel better and they will respond in a simliar, sentimental, emotional fashion. Maybe it will cause some lightbulbs to go off in their heads.

 

But in most cases, they will either ignore it, or respond with a tone of neutrality or sympathy etc and that my friend is very crushing to deal with. That they are past it and no longer want to deal with it.

[wingman2]

I know I've been there before. Few days after the break up I wrote her an enormous letter letting out my feelings, thinking it would change her mind but she responded with a single sentence response which was really disappointing. I'm not going to chew her out, I was just in the moment of anger but I'm a bit more calm now. What I wanted to do was send a letter tellling her my side of the story since there was a huge misconception in her motivs and I just feel that it's important for her to know the truth but that's an entire thread on it's own that I'll post later. I won't send that till way later though.

 

Right now I'm going to give myself till Sunday and if I don't get anything from her I'll send her a quick message asking what her intention was for wanting to talk to me last week and what she got our of talking to me or what she was hoping to get out of it. This way I won't just be asking her if she wants back but I'd know what her intention was for wanting to talk cause my mind is spinning in circles about it and I don't want to feel like I have the chance to get her back right now but didn't take advantage of it. I hope she's still thinking of me and still has feelings for me. I'm so worried that she wanted me back but saw I made no effort or showed so sign of wanting her back plus the conversation she probably thinks there is no spark. I love this girl a lot and although I'm confused and can't forgive her too easily I will be willing to works things out with her if she shows me that's what she wants.