RedThorn Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Hi! I have been in a relationship for the past 2 years. I came to the point where I love my gf, but I often doubt that we are made for each other. We have a great relationship, shared values, respect for each other, but sometimes I feel like we are better as friends than as a couple. She is incredibly and constantly sweet to me, and all this care often turns me off and makes me want to have space for myself. So we end up often only seeing each other 2-3 times a week. We have discussed about it but I don't see the situation changing. I want the best for her and for myself, maybe we are better off seeing someone else. We are in our early 30s so ready to start families and so on. I know that the decision is up to me ultimately, but your insight could provide great help in looking at my relationship from a different perspective. Thanks.
TaraMaiden Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Don't prevaricate. Are you having sex with her? If so, then stop. If part of you feels you don't want to be with her any more - then you shouldn't be with her any more. Because this 'part' will only get bigger. And she deserves a 100% commitment from you, and you from her.... But if your heart's not in it, how is that fair on either of you? You need to break up, because if your heart is not in making this the most wonderful thing in your life - then it's futile staying in it one day longer.
Author RedThorn Posted April 28, 2010 Author Posted April 28, 2010 Thanks for your reply. But what do you mean with "don't prevaricate"?
TaraMaiden Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 I mean, make your mind up, because right now (if you are having sex with her) you're enjoying the 'best of both worlds'. You're treating her like a GF, but you're not committed to making this work to the best of your ability. Don't sit on the fence. Either Stay - or Go. But don't pussyfoot, and end up having her accusing you of using her. Because if you let this go on much longer, she will - when you break up - in all probability ask you how long you've been feeling like this. And the more you leave it, and end up saying "a little while now" (which is logical, because things like this don't happen in an instant or even overnight), she will come back with the "Well why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?? All this time we've been having sex and you don't love me?!?" (Duck at this point, because she may well throw something at you. I know I would.....)
Author RedThorn Posted April 28, 2010 Author Posted April 28, 2010 You're treating her like a GF, but you're not committed to making this work to the best of your ability. Well, it is a 2 yrs relationship we are talking about. She IS my gf and quite official too! I am trying hard to make it work, it is just that I don't feel like things are progressing the way they do in my fantasy. So I don't know whether I have unrealistic expectations or if this is just not working.
northstar1 Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 I understand where you are coming from. However, I caution you to think carefully here. Relationships have ebbs and flows and times when you are not in sync and get on each others nerves. Really examine of the issues you are having with her are not fixable through communication/therapy etc. If you can truly not see any resolution to the problems, then I think you do need to end it and not waste either of your time. But be mindful that you might regret it if you walk away and then realize that her being sweet wasn't as bad as it seemed, and that you might have let a good partner go. It happened with my ex where at some point we stopped fighting together for it as well and we let small things fester to the point where she no longer felt it could work. Looking back, it seems so foolish to me, because it was all quite fixable if we'd both been willing to fight for it and truly we let something fantastic slip away.
TaraMaiden Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Well, it is a 2 yrs relationship we are talking about. She IS my gf and quite official too! my ex-husband was a 23-year official, but that didn't end up working out. So really, 2 years is nothing.... I am trying hard to make it work, No, I don't believe you are. I'm not accusing you of lying. What I'm saying is that you may think you're trying hard to make it work, but I don't think you are really in it to make the effort. I think you may be in it for the guilt. if you really really loved her, this wouldn't need 'hard work'. Anything you're into 100% shouldn't be 'hard work'. It should be work, and sometimes it's hard - but hard work? I don't agree. it is just that I don't feel like things are progressing the way they do in my fantasy And what would that be, exactly? What is it you seek in a relationship that is not happening here? What part of your fantasy is not a reality? So I don't know whether I have unrealistic expectations or if this is just not working Could be both....huh?
stillafool Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Hi! I have been in a relationship for the past 2 years. I came to the point where I love my gf, but I often doubt that we are made for each other. We have a great relationship, shared values, respect for each other, but sometimes I feel like we are better as friends than as a couple. She is incredibly and constantly sweet to me, and all this care often turns me off and makes me want to have space for myself. So we end up often only seeing each other 2-3 times a week. We have discussed about it but I don't see the situation changing. I want the best for her and for myself, maybe we are better off seeing someone else. We are in our early 30s so ready to start families and so on. I know that the decision is up to me ultimately, but your insight could provide great help in looking at my relationship from a different perspective. Thanks. So you want a bit of a "bad girl" huh? Do you have great sex? Your only wanting to see her 2-3 times a week is not good especially if you guys are thinking about marriage. If you can't stand her more than 2-3 days a week now you will go crazy after you marry. I think you should stop dating her and let her find someone who wants to be with her. Afterall, she is in her 30's now and may want to marry and start a family. Don't waste her time or yours because 10 years go so fast. Don't delay in your decision. However, you may find that a really sweet woman like you have is not easy to come by. Good luck.
Author RedThorn Posted April 28, 2010 Author Posted April 28, 2010 So you want a bit of a "bad girl" huh? Do you have great sex? hey! Are these the questions? No, not necessarily a "bad girl", but maybe a good girl with a bit more "balls" (in a figurative way). Sex is good, even though I have less desire than at the beginning.
stillafool Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Thanks for the response. However, you didn't answer TaraMaiden's questions. So basically your girl is too passive is what you are saying. Have you talked to her about it? She may want to marry you so bad that she is afraid to ruffle your feathers. You say the sex is good but your desire for her is waning. You cannot help how you feel. I just don't see this working as a long term relationship as you should want to see her more than 2-3 times a week. Like I said life is short and perhaps you should think about ending the relationship.
dreamer0123 Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Hi, I just saw your post and I had to reply... In your case- I was the one who was dumped- by my bf of 3 years. I just turned 30 and him, 29 and honestly- we had a few issues but something never felt right to him. He didn't have the guts to tell me until I pretty much FORCED him to... and I was completely blindsided. I had no idea he was feeling the way he was feeling and honestly- I am still sooo hurt (it's been about 6 months since the break) So please.. for her sake .. if you care about her as much as you say or do- let her at least know what you are thinking- see if you can come up with a compromise and if not- let her go. She deserves to know because if the situation was reversed- you would want to know.
georgia girl Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 I just had to reply too. Break up with her. Likely, you will regret it for the rest of your life, but the important thing is, she WON'T. If this amazingly sweet woman isn't a b*tch enough for you, then you are certainly welcome enough to go out and find one. Of course, when the next one is too much of a b*tch, you can always move on again. A few key things, however. One, you mention that you're in your 30s. You're a little old to be creating a fantasy image about who your partner should be. It's time to understand the reality of human relationships. No real partner is ideal or a fantasy and you shouldn't be placing that sort of burden on your partner to try and become that. It's the difference between true love and infatuation. Secondly, it seems like communication may be sorely lacking in your relationship. I wonder if you talked to her honestly, she won't reveal that she's often frustrated by your behavior but has decided not to make it an issue since it's not that big of a deal. Third, ever hear of commitment phobia? You're describing classic symptoms. No one ever quite has measured up, huh? Still, I think you should break up with her. If you don't deal with your issues - not hers, by the way - then this will resurface and she'll get hurt again. Let her go. She sounds like a nice woman and she deserves to love again with someone who can commit.
Author RedThorn Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 (edited) Thanks again for all your replies. Just a few clarifications: I have never said I want a b*tch! Just that probably someone with a stronger personality would suit me better. I know that the perfect partner doesn't exist. That's why I am still trying to make this work. I don't want to rush into decisions. Still it doesn't feel totally right. As for th comments about my committment issues, sorry but I don't think I have disclosed enough elements to allow being judged. In my last relationship I was the one being dumped. It happens, right? Moreover, we have actually discussed about our frustations, so we know there is an issue we need to work on, but I am not seeing improvements from either side. Edited April 29, 2010 by RedThorn
EmperorR Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 as a guy who has been cheated on 3 times in a row, you'll regret this nice sweet girls are running out.
TaraMaiden Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 ..... Moreover, we have actually discussed about our frustations, so we know there is an issue we need to work on, but I am not seeing improvements from either side. ok, well, you know what they say about insanity doing the same thing over and over again..... if something is broke, maybe the sanest, wisest and kindest thing would be to leave it be..... For how long do you think you should persist engaging in a relationship before you finally decide to call it quits? Until you gain the courage to end it? until you meet someone else? What's the "ok let's call it a day" trigger going to be? It strikes me form what you say that perhaps you passed it a while ago, but you seem reluctant to do the deal. if you know it ain't working, and she knows it ain't working.... Why is it still 'working'?
Author RedThorn Posted May 9, 2010 Author Posted May 9, 2010 if you know it ain't working, and she knows it ain't working.... Why is it still 'working'? because things sometimes are not really black and white: "working" VS "non-working". Because we have a good time together and because as I said in my first post, we do love each other. I am sure than for a lot of people this would be more than enough to carry on. I guess it is a question of personal expectations and we all differ in that respect. More than once in this thread I have been told that "I will regret it" on case I decided to break up. So of course I am thinking twice. I am trying to adapt to this relationship (we all do have to adapt to a certain degree when in a relationship), but I am having a hard time completing the last step. Anyway, just a quick update: we have talked some more, also about the possibility of breaking up, so we both know what is going on. We are on this together. Things have improved slightly, confusion persists :-)
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