Just married - hurdles, expectations, communication & 'the ex'!

[bdsaint28]

Hi everyone. Allow me to introduce myself - i'm 26 years old and have been married for about 4 months. My wife is two years younger than me and we are currently living in with my parents (a joint family, you could call it).

 

Before you raise your eyebrows, you must understand - the system of living in a joint family is extremely common in our country (in fact, it's actually EXPECTED from most wives and their families here). While I was born in my native country, I spent most of my young years growing up in the US... but the idea of a husband and wife completely detaching themselves from both sides of the family and staying separately just doesn't fly well over here. I was cool with that when we got married, and here we are now.

 

My wife and I met each other in the workplace. In fact, we both quit our last jobs and STILL are working together in another organization right now. Since day one, you COULD say that we've never really been apart from each other -- literally. Morning, day and evening we're together - though interaction at the workplace is limited, obviously.

 

Both of us are easygoing but there are a couple of issues i'd like to outline:

 

1. Me being anal on being punctuality

I hate being late to office. And I hate leaving office late.

Reach on time, leave on time. Unfortunately, I feel my wife has a habit which even after calmly explaining to her several times, still doesn't go away. We end up reaching late (5-10-15 mins) some days, while 90% of the time, we end up leaving the office late. This 10-15 minute delay in leaving the office piles on the evening rush-hour traffic and ends up being a time waster.

 

I have tried re-iterating this to her over and over, but it's gotten to a point where i've stopped saying anything and just go silent every evening when we are late, out of frustration.

 

 

2. The small things

This point is mostly about initiative. I feel I have to take the initiative in most of the things we do - whether it be

a. resolving an argument/disagreement/dispute by breaking the silence between us

b. initiating sex between us

c. small things like wrapping my arm around her at night

 

It feels like it's always me - why isn't it the other way around as well?

 

3. Communication

Because of the above issues, i've started feeling that she isn't understanding my issues. While I also need to understand her thoughts on WHY she always gets late from the office - I honestly cannot understand why she needs to have a reason/excuse 90% of the time! I need to remind her to 'pack up' to get ready to leave at 5:55 every evening because i KNOW she doesn't keep a track of time.

 

This lack of trust is causing gaps in communication - repeating the same thing over and over has become frustrating for me to voice out, and i'm sure frustrating for her to listen to over and over again.

 

It's been about 16 hours and we haven't talked. It's not anger or resentment, it's just that i've been at a loss of words and i guess she has too. But is it wrong that I EXPECT her to break the silence by saying SOMETHING? I wonder how she can be comfortable with the silence for so long and not say anything?

 

Look forward to your suggestions to help mend this awkward gap in between us.

 

 

4. The EX

 

This is somewhat of a side issue - unrelated to the above.

 

I have only had one other serious relationship in the past, with my ex who's 2 years older than me. It started on a sexual note and ended up becoming more serious. The relationship lasted only 4 months (she sort of cheated on me with HER ex for no reason - to actually hide the fact that she was seeing me) and i couldn't accept that, so we broke things off.

 

About a year later, I met my wife but still was in touch with my ex. My wife at that time was in a rocky relationship of her own. During this time, me and my ex got back together one night and got a little frisky - but there was absolutely no romance between my wife and I at that time.

 

Later on, when my wife and I got romantically involved, i obviously never met my ex again but couldn't stop thinking of her. Since my relationship with my ex started off on a sexual encounter, I forgot to mention that we actually lived together for a month. This was also my first girlfriend, mind you - and i found that even when I was with my wife (girlfriend at the time), I still kept in casual touch with my ex via phone calls and SMS.

 

We got married 4 months ago and my EX and I still keep in touch through messages and phone calls. My wife knows I speak with her, but not to the extend I currently do (2-3 times a week, whereas she has no idea about this).

 

I need to know or figure out why i'm still inclined towards speaking with my ex. Am I playing with fire and just testing my limits? I don't know what's going on but I do know that I need to figure out the issues with my wife before anything else.

 

 

Thoughts/comments would be welcome - I hope the above wasn't (too) confusing. If you guys have any questions, please feel free to ask. I'm simply in a confused/blank state of mind right now.

[aerogurl87]

You should've never gotten married. Your hiding how much you contact your ex to your new wife and it's only been 4 months? Yeah, not a good start to a marriage. Also, you forgot to mention you lived with your ex? Well that's a pretty big detail, but let's move on to the other stuff you mentioned.

 

You said there's a lack of trust in your relationship? Where is this lack of trust coming from? If it's from her inability to be on time, then that's a poor excuse for a lack of trust. I think you have some unresolved issues that you should've resolved before marrying your wife. But it's too late for that now.

[TaraMaiden]

I agree.

you're more than anal about punctuality. you're controlling.

There are people in this world (whom I am sure you interact with on a daily basis) who are probably a lot less thoughtful about their timing than your wife is.

You need to ease up.

And no, basically, you should never have gotten married if your ex is so prominent in your thinking.

You're betraying your wife, and frankly, you're deceitful and selfish.

This post is all about you. What you want, how you want things to be, what you expect of her, how frustrated you are that she isn't behaving in the way you want...

and all the while, you're lingering in your past and stiring up complications for yourself.

Take a step back, and drop the ex.

Then ask what it is that YOU are doing to jeopardise your relationship with your patient, loving, long-suffering and loyal WIFE.

[bdsaint28]

I meant i forgot to mention earlier in my post, that I lived in with my ex for a month at the time I was with her. Sorry for not wording it clearly enough.

 

When she says 'i'll improve' and 'i understand, i'll be on time' after several discussions we've had, I place a certain amount of trust in her words. Her being late is not only limited to us reaching and leaving the office - it is an issue from day one that I figured was small enough and would eventually get resolved. I used to pick her up from her house and we would go to work together (before we got married) and 95% of the time, she'd make me wait outside her house before she finally came out. This would be despite the fact that I would call her to notify her that i'm leaving, and that I would be there in another 10 minutes.

 

These may be small issues and frankly quite trivial to think they could be such a problem - but it's been going on for a LONG time and I don't feel she quite understands that it bothers me so much. Being on the WAITING end isn't the same as being the person who makes you wait.

 

Hope the above adds a bit more clarity to my initial post.

[bdsaint28]

I agree.

you're more than anal about punctuality. you're controlling.

There are people in this world (whom I am sure you interact with on a daily basis) who are probably a lot less thoughtful about their timing than your wife is.

You need to ease up.

And no, basically, you should never have gotten married if your ex is so prominent in your thinking.

You're betraying your wife, and frankly, you're deceitful and selfish.

This post is all about you. What you want, how you want things to be, what you expect of her, how frustrated you are that she isn't behaving in the way you want...

and all the while, you're lingering in your past and stiring up complications for yourself.

Take a step back, and drop the ex.

Then ask what it is that YOU are doing to jeopardise your relationship with your patient, loving, long-suffering and loyal WIFE.

 

 

You're right. I plead guilty on my actions regarding keeping in touch with my EX without my wife knowing that we still talk on SMS'es, and will be putting an end to it.

 

Regarding punctuality - we are dependent on each other for going home at the same time, and being on time to office at the same time. Is it wrong for me to expect that we be on time together, at a bare minimum?

 

I don't want to waste half an hour sitting in traffic, leading to us reaching home at an even later time, thus giving us less quality time to spend together at home. After numerous ways of sitting with her to help her understand the reason behind this, if I don't see a change, do I just sit back and keep accepting the fact that it's never going to happen?

[TaraMaiden]

Regarding punctuality - we are dependent on each other for going home at the same time, and being on time to office at the same time. Is it wrong for me to expect that we be on time together, at a bare minimum?

I don't want to waste half an hour sitting in traffic, leading to us reaching home at an even later time, thus giving us less quality time to spend together at home. ,

If she was consistently an hour late, day in, day out, both going to and coming from work I'd understand, but 10 minute a quarter of an hour? Are you serious?

If you're sat in traffic with her, going home, no matter how long it takes - why would that not be part of your quality time together?

Instead of sitting in the car seething and resentful, why not talk, unwind, ask her how her day went, what she'd like to do this evening, how pretty she looks, and thank goodness the traffic is slowing you down so that you actually get to spend MORE time alone with her, instead of being in the company of others....

 

After numerous ways of sitting with her to help her understand the reason behind this, if I don't see a change, do I just sit back and keep accepting the fact that it's never going to happen?

Again, it's all about what YOU want, expect, demand and think you have a right to.

There is such a thing as compromise and flexibility.

What, do you give yourself 10 minutes in the bathroom, 5 minutes to get dressed, 7.5 minutes for a cup of coffee, 6.5 minutes for a slice of toast, and 1 minute to grab the car keys and your coat?

I damn well hope not....

 

You adjust your perspective to understand that this is the woman you married.

She's different to you.

She's beautiful and charming, and you'd like her to be the mother of your children... and trust me - PLEASE trust me on this - when you have children, the words 'schedule' and 'punctuality' will become an insignificant irrelevance.

Timing and clock-watching will be a complete thing of the past.

so you'd better adjust your spectacles young man, or you are going to make you more miserable, and she will wish she had the man she married, not some anal, controlling inconsiderate and intransigent man who's 70 years old before his time.

[bdsaint28]

If she was consistently an hour late, day in, day out, both going to and coming from work I'd understand, but 10 minute a quarter of an hour? Are you serious?

If you're sat in traffic with her, going home, no matter how long it takes - why would that not be part of your quality time together?

Instead of sitting in the car seething and resentful, why not talk, unwind, ask her how her day went, what she'd like to do this evening, how pretty she looks, and thank goodness the traffic is slowing you down so that you actually get to spend MORE time alone with her, instead of being in the company of others....

 

 

Again, it's all about what YOU want, expect, demand and think you have a right to.

There is such a thing as compromise and flexibility.

What, do you give yourself 10 minutes in the bathroom, 5 minutes to get dressed, 7.5 minutes for a cup of coffee, 6.5 minutes for a slice of toast, and 1 minute to grab the car keys and your coat?

I damn well hope not....

 

You adjust your perspective to understand that this is the woman you married.

She's different to you.

She's beautiful and charming, and you'd like her to be the mother of your children... and trust me - PLEASE trust me on this - when you have children, the words 'schedule' and 'punctuality' will become an insignificant irrelevance.

Timing and clock-watching will be a complete thing of the past.

so you'd better adjust your spectacles young man, or you are going to make you more miserable, and she will wish she had the man she married, not some anal, controlling inconsiderate and intransigent man who's 70 years old before his time.

 

 

Thanks for the reply. I'm glad I posted this, and i'm glad you posted your thoughts as frankly as you did.

 

I think i'll take her out for dinner tonight for our 4 month anniversary.

 

Will finish swallowing your post and advice till then.